Saturday, 30 November 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Helen wore a tea dress - I didn't know they still did tea dresses;
  • Becks and Posh bought a house for £40 million - I couldn't' see anywhere to put their wheelie bins;
  • William got on stage to sing a couple of songs;
  • Zac still has a broken jaw;
  • Alex wants to be independent, but keep everything British;
  • Nigella has had better weeks;
  • Joan's sister got an Oboe off of the Queen;
  • One off of Bros is doing Christmas Strictly;
  • Nicolas had his first driving lesson;
  • Ryan is 40 and is still playing football; and
  • Corrie moved two miles down the road.

    Dear David - Christmas Tree ... again

    Dear David

    I told my maid what you said regarding her festive creation and the 'white rubber glove' Christmas Tree was removed immediately.  Goodness knows what she's done with the gloves.

    When I was out at the local supermarket buying flax seeds, I returned home to find the stock pile of empty toilet roll tubes (she's been collecting them for months now) had disappeared and discovered and new type of tree in the hallway. To make things even worse, she's placed the whole contraption along side Mrs.Clover's (from next door) fruit basket (now filled with citrus smelling potpourri) and, placed a charity shop picture behind it whilst laying the whole arrangement on one of her crocheted doilies, not to mention the blue frilly table-top cover given to her at the battered husbands' charity jumble sale held last week at the local community center (which, incidentally, took place under torch light as the electricity was cut off a fortnight ago due to none payment of this year's bill and their stockpile of candles had been pinched by the local teenagers)!

    I'm not sure if I can can take much more. I'm traumatised by it all!

    Please Help


    David Responds

    I am not sure who I am more worried about, you or your maid.  You both sound like a couple of loons ... (and what were you doing buying flax seeds at the supermarket ... you haven't been getting a budgerigar have you?).

    I am not sure what to advise, although I have to say your maid's latest creation has a certain look .... very ... sort of post second world war meets 1950s home made ... still under ration look.  It is the sort of thing Kirstie Allsopp might make on one of her Chanel 4 programmes.

    Key to this is how good at her job is your maid.  If she is a marvel, then you could decide she is 'wonderfully eccentric' and use these incidents as 'funny anecdotes' when your friends call.  After all this latest display has a certain charm, it rather reminds me of my friend Ethel and her homely Christmas decorations when I visit.

    If she is useless as a cleaner use this as an excuse to let her go, start screaming and threaten to call the police if she doesn't leave immediately. 

    Oh .. and errr ... she doesn't live in does she?

    Dear David - Shovel

    Dear David

    Now that the weather is getting colder should I put a shovel in my boot?

    David Responds

    Look you ask me this question every year and I have no idea what you are talking about.

    I have passed your letter on to Denise Robertson, she has time on her hands for time wasters these days so she might send you a reply.

    Friday, 29 November 2013

    Dear David - Christmas Tree ... again

    Dear David
    After yesterday's trauma of the office Christmas Tree, I arrived home this evening to find this - a gift from the maid!  Photograph enclosed. What is it with rubber gloves and Christmas Trees.

    Whatever next?  What do you think I should do. Your advice is much appreciated! 

    David Responds

    I am starting to get worried, I think I read a book like this once ... it didn't end well.

    You clearly have too many rubber gloves in the house (although I quite like the white ones - where do you get them from?) and your maid does not have enough to do.

    I suggest you cut her hours and insist she starts doing the tops of doors. 

    That should keep her occupied so she doesn't have time to make you these creepy gifts.

    Dear David - Christmas Tree

    Dear David

    I've got a dilemma that I'd like to help me out with. The cleaners at work thought it'd be a nice idea to use up several spare marigolds from the cleaner's stock cupboard to create a Christmas Tree.

    I'm worried come January, that there will not be enough gloves to clean the toilets with! Would adding a few fairy light result in it being a fire hazard, or would it add to the festive cheer?  Photograph enclosed.  What do you reckon?

    Much thanks


    David Responds

    That is quite the most revolting and creepy Christmas tree I have ever seen (and I have seen a pink plastic one in Leeds).  If Prince Albert was alive today he would turn in his grave.

    I don't think adding a few festive lights would do anything to enhance this monstrosity.

    The best I can suggest is a few minutes with a couple of hat pins.

    Thursday, 28 November 2013


    I see Charles Saatchi got a letter from his credit card company telling hiim his bill was £100.000 a month.

    They also said that he should make a minimum payment of £5 by the 20th of the month.

    Wednesday, 27 November 2013


    Have you had a quick look through Salmond's vision of an independent Scotland?

    It seems there will be angels carrying harps in the sky throwing £5 notes onto the streets below, and everyone will be given a puppy.

    It sounds most marvelous.

    Monday, 25 November 2013

    Dear David - Birthday ... again

    Dear David 

    Just a letter to say Happy Birthday and I hope you enjoyed the buffet in the Laughing Donkey on saturday - it cost me a fortune!


    David Responds 

    Thank you very much and the buffet was lovely ... what there was of it.

    I know times are hard and you have only got your pension to manage on, so it was lovely of you to go to all that effort and expense, but to be honest dear ... it didn't go very far.

    Those big lads (who who were they by they?), made short work of your sausage rolls so I am afraid I didn't manage to get one, but your cocktail sticks with pineapple chunks and tinned hot dogs were delicious, I can almost taste them now ... actually I can taste them now.

    And that cheese ... what sort was it dear, and is it meant to be that colour?

    But I am afraid I had one too many drinks so it is all a bit of a blur but I vaguely remember paper plates, doileys and a grapefruit covered in tin foil so I am sure it was spectacular. 

    Saturday, 23 November 2013

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Rita Fairclough is going to be a judge on next year's X Factor; 
    • the Pythons are putting aside their artistic differences to produce a new show and to make some money because they are broke; 
    • Ed got a new hair-do; 
    • Elton has a new tune out - not that struck on Elton but this one is all right; 
    • Ed wishes he had never heard of the Co-Op bank; 
    • Robbie has had some new hair fitted; 
    • some X Factor people went to the fair; 
    • some people are in the jungle; 
    • Meg went to the shops without a hat on; 
    • Posh gave some clothes she can't get into anymore to charity;
    • Harry went to the antarctic .. or the arctic, anyway somewhere, where it is cold; and
    • Jame was suffering from acute exhaustion- celebrities get that when they have been caught saying or doing something they shouldn't and want to lie low for a bit.

    Dear David - Birthday ... again

    Dear David

    Just thought I would give you some advance warning about your 40th birthday celebration tonight in the Laughing Donkey. Me and H have arranged a finger buffet for us in the Laughing Donkey - your favourite sausage rolls will feature heavily ... because you are worth it.

    C and H

    David Responds

    Oh how lovely, I hope you haven't gone to any bother, you know how I hate a fuss.

    When you say 'favourite sausage rolls' you don't mean the home made ones that you brought last year?  What did you put in them, I can still taste them.

    But a do in the Laughing Donkey would be lovely, have you booked the Snug?  I know they put 5p on a drink but it is worth the extra.

    And what about those big lads that wander around with bottles to sell shots ... after last year you haven't invited them have you?

    Oh and can I have a seat in the corner, away from the window?  There is a right draught gets in there at this time of year.

    What about Deirdre from the Community center - she can be a right misery until she has had a drink.  And she never goes anywhere with that sister of hers, she gets right on my nerves.  You haven't told them it's my birthday have you, we will never get rid of them if you have.

    But how exciting ... I can hardly wait.

    Thursday, 21 November 2013

    Dear David - Dr Who

    Dear David

    I am so excited about the new Dr Who - I think it is about the original Doctor - at the weekend I can hardly sleep.  Can you help me get through the next few days?


    David Responds

    Well no not really, you will just have to wait for the BBC to broadcast your programme.

    In the meantime why not put your grandad in a phone box and sit and look at him for a couple of hours?

    Dear David - Christmas Already

    Dear David

    A lot of people are moaning that Christmas is upon us again.  Do you think it is worth having a referendum about only having Christmas every four years like the Olympics?


    David Responds

    I can see the sense of what you say, but there are several drawbacks to your suggestion.

    Many people rely on the gifts they receive at Christmas to re-wrap and re send to friends and family throughout he year a birthday gifts. Making Christmas only every fourth year would greatly add to the yearly birthday gift cost.

    And what about Oor Wullie?  He only gets published every other Christmas, under your suggestion it would be eight years between visits from our Highland friend. 

    On a practical level, if people are shocked and surprised at its sudden arrival when it is every year, imagine the distress caused at the realization that it was Christmas this year and how many 'eeh I can't believe it is Christmas already' and 'I can't believe it is four years since it was here' you would have to put up with!

    So sorry on balance, I think we might as well put up with this annual festival as it is and accept it won't go away.

    It could be worse ... you could be in America and have to deal with Thanksgiving as well  That is like having two Christmases straight after each other!

    Wednesday, 20 November 2013

    Dear David - Christmas Cards ... again

    Dear David

    I my Christmas cards last year in the sales but now everyone is sending Facebook cards. I don't know if we have to send card, cards as well. Life has become so much more confusing.  Can you help?

    David Responds

    Sending Christmas cards has always been difficult, but it is now more complicated than ever.

    For this particular dilemma, when you send a Facebook card, if in previous years you have sent the recipient a card, card, then you have to send them a card, card as well as the Facebook card.

    If you have never sent a card card to the person you are sending a Facebook card to, then you don't need to send them a card card as well.

    I hope that helps.

    Dear David - Christmas Cards

    Dear David

    Is it too soon to send my Christmas cards?

    David Responds

    Ah well … yes .. no … it depends.

    At first thought the answer would be yes it is far too soon to send your Christmas cards, but it depends what you want to achieve.

    If you send your cards now, your friends and family will think you are losing it and avoid you like the plague over the season, leaving you to have a nice peaceful, relaxing stress free time all to yourself. If this is for you, add to the effect by making a small note in your cards to say you are sorry it is so late this year.

    On the other hand if you do want callers and visitors, then leave it until around 10 December to send your cards.

    Tuesday, 19 November 2013

    Mince Pies

    At last Fenwick's have their mince pices.

    The ones with icing topping instead of a pie lid.  I usually buy them in boxes, but this year they are selling them individually.

    £0.85p each!  That's a bit steep, times are hard and I'm not made of money.

    I wonder if they will cut one in half?

    Monday, 18 November 2013

    Dear David - Birthday

    Dear David

    I am just checking that we are celebrating your 40th birthday (again) in the Laughing Donkey on Saturday?


    David Responds

    Actually I'll be 39 ....

    How nice of you to remember, I thought after last year you might have forgotten ... but I suppose that court case would make it stick in your mind.

    I have to say, that judge was right out of order saying ... what was it again ... ah yes ... "never in all his years has he heard of such disgraceful behavior" ... "has he heard of a gentleman,  if indeed you are a gentleman, being so drunk in a public place".

    To be fair to you I don't think anyone could have predicted that doing a paso doble on a bar top could end up in such a disaster.  It was a thousand to one chance that your high heel would end up in that big lad's pint.  And when he got cross and grabbed you by the throat, we all knew you were just trying to calm him down by tickling him under the chin and saying 'oh don't be such a misery', so it wasn't really your fault that such a big fight ... oh what was it the judge said? ... oh yes, that was it ..."and so ensued what he can only describe as a common brawl".

    So I think you were really hard done by, by the way have they lifted your curfew?

    But to your question, yes I am having a do in the Laughing Donkey, nothing fancy, they are going to cordon off a small area next to the fruit machines for one or two discrete guests.  If I see you I will wave.

    Dear David - Andre

    Dear David

    I am Andre Rieu, do you have any advice for me?

    David Responds

    Yes, take that brooch off your cravat.

    Saturday, 16 November 2013

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Robbie has a  new tune out - doesn't it sound like an old tune;
    • Robbie can't really whistle;
    • a load of people are going to the jungle - Joey, ah bless;
    • Chris dyed his hair; and
    • Cliff's looks a bit dodgy too;
    • Strictly on Ice is doing 'All Stars' competition next year for final run - if they had concentrated more on people who can stake they might have got a few more years out of it;
    • Charles was 65;
    • Camilla wore the Queen Mother's tiara;
    • the Queen told her to put it back where she found it, she wasn't gone yet; and
    • Anne said we should eat horses - oh I couldn't manage a whole one.

    Dear David - Christmas Do!

    Dear David

    I have a worry.  Work are planning an evening out prior to Christmas, at which we have been requested to wear a jumper.  I am at a loss!  Sartorial advice needed, but please don't advise scratching the fixture - I have to go.

    Miss C

    David Responds

    Ah yes it is the time of year for the works Christmas do.  Made even more difficult by various imposed themes.

    Your event requirement does at least have a practical nature - a jumper in December - but it is hardly glamorous.  I share your distress.

    Since you have to go I am assuming it is too late to drag out your great aunt Maud and give her a dreadful case of the flu and you have to see to her?

    If this isn't an option you have one or two other possibilities.  On the night, ignore the jumper rule and say 'Oh "compulsory jumper wearing?" - I thought you said compulsory fabulous ball gown wearing!'

    If you don't feel you can pull that one off, why not throw a cashmere pashmina over bare (but lightly dusted) shoulders and say you are counting your pashmina as a jumper.

    Dear David - Jalapenos

    Dear David

    What are Jalapenos like?

    David Responds

    Oh I'm not sure, I've never been to Jalapenia, but I am sure they are very friendly.


    For last week's trip to Sainsbury's I had to scrap ice off the car, this week it is 9 degrees ...

    ... and excitement at the Patisserie, lots of people milling around filling shelves, even my large multi-grain seeded, was ready and sliced.

    I think I even heard singing in the background.

    No sign of the miserable old bag, must be her day off.

    Friday, 15 November 2013

    Dear David - Medium... again

    Dear David

    I notice you will do readings for a small fee. Please find enclosed a photocopy of my palm. Can you see into my future?


    David Responds

    Yes I am happy to do a reading for a small consideration.

    Oh and you have enclosed a copy of your palm .. let's have a look …

    … Oh, did you have the photocopier on 'Enlarge'? Your palm seems quite big … and hairy too.

    Let's see if I can make anything out under all those hairs … aren't they dark ...

    Ah yes let's see now.  It says here that you are going to meet a strange man ... no sorry ... not strange ... what's the word ... ah yes 'odd', that's a better word ... you are going to meet an odd man and you will go somewhere you have never been before.

    Not sure what that last bit means, have you been to Cleveleys?

    Look there is a lot of information here, I will jot it down and pop it in the post once your cheque has cleared.

    Thursday, 14 November 2013

    Dear David - Medium

    Dear David

    I went to a medium on Tuesday and she said she could see I had a 'long felt want'. I didn't understand as I only had my handbag with me. What did she mean?

    David Responds

    Ah yes a visit to a medium, sure to raise a lot of questions. But in this instance I think she just meant you have a long held desire for something. Any idea what that might be?

    As it happens I do have the gift of prophecy myself, so if you would like to send me a photocopy of your palm and £10 I can do you a personal reading.

    Tuesday, 12 November 2013

    Christmas Sofa

    If you thought it is far too soon for furniture companies to be telling us to 'buy now in time for Christmas delivery, well it isn't ...

    If you want a new sofa for Christmas - you will have to order it by the weekend!

    Dear David - Christmas Present

    Dear David

    I can't think of what to buy my bin man for Christmas.  Do you have any ideas?

    David Responds

    Oh yes that is a tricky one isn't it.

    I had the same problem last year, but I know bin men start really their working day really early so they finish early ... which means they have the afternoon free.  So last year I bought my bin man a lovely box set of Bette Davis films. I am sure they went down a treat.

    But it is funny now tyou mention it, I haven't seen him since, he always sends his mate to empty my bin.  Maybe he is embarrassed about receiving such an extravagant gift.

    Monday, 11 November 2013

    Dear David - Cake Stand

    Dear David

    I am trying to find an authentic 1950s Royal Doulton cake stand for my themed 'Christmas after the Coronation' event on Boxing Day, but I am having no luck finding one.  Can you help?


     David Responds

     Oh your event does sound fun, but sorry I can't help I have been looking all over for one for myself.  Have you asked Doreen at the Community Centre, they might have one you can borrow.

    Sunday, 10 November 2013

    Dear David - Santa ... again

    Dear David

    I told mummy  you said I was too late to send a letter to Santa and she said something I didn't understand,  what does 'viscous old rotter' mean?

    Sarah age 6

     David Responds

     What does she mean 'old'?

    Saturday, 9 November 2013

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • the Boomtown Rats put aside their differences for a reunion tour and the money;
    • Ed willfully looked out of the window; 
    • Jennifer had her hair cut; 
    • Bankrupt Mo is going to do the jungle thing - has she not been in it before?; and
    • Rebecca is doing the jungle; and
    • so is Joey - ah bless;
    • Justin is having a bit of a time in Brazil; 
    • the group that was going to be the new One Direction left X Factor - if only they didn't have to sing, they would have got on much better;
    • the one that does the numbers on Countdown that isn't carol left Strictly;
    • looks like Trinny is seeing that bloke - is she mad?; and 
    • James looked a bit rough when he moved back in with his mother.


    Bit of a surprise at the patisserie this morning when I was greeted with a beaming smile and a cheery Hello.

    'I've kept you a family mince and apple if you want it' she said.

    Well go on it thought, I'll take it.

    I don't know what she is up to but she is still a miserable old bag.

    Friday, 8 November 2013

    Dear David - Santa

    Dear David

    I am writing my letter to Santa, can you help me with what to write?  I am very excited about Christmas.

    Sarah age 6

    David Responds

     Sorry, it is too late, last posting day for Santa was last week.

    Thursday, 7 November 2013

    Dear David - Christams

    Dear David

    Do you know when China is sending over our Christmas?

    David Responds

    Oh, I'm not sure, I think it is due a week on Tuesday.

    Dear David - Call Ring

    Dear David

    I have been trying to work out the difference between 'ring me' and 'call me', when meaning to get in contact with me by telephone.  I can't work out which is best to use.  I mhave been very worried, can you help?


    David Responds

    What a funny thing to worry about.

    Essentially there is no difference, in this context they mean the same thing. 

    My personal guidance would be to use 'call' if you wish to be formal, but use ring' if you wish to be less formal.

    Wednesday, 6 November 2013

    Dear David - Bananas

    Dear David

    I seem to have bought some of those forever green and hard bananas you mentioned earlier. Any further advice on what to do with them?


    David Responds

    Pop them in a brown paper bag and put them in your airing cupboard.  They will be ready to eat by morning.

    Dear David - Hercule

    Dear David

    What is the English name for Hercule?

    David Responds


    Dear David - Gran Canaria ... again

    Dear David

    I am having a lovely time here in Gran Canaria, (phew! Isn't it hot?), but I remember what you said the last time I was here to encourage me to go to the beach, so I am going to take your advice and give it a go. What do you think of my new beach outfit? Photograph enclosed.


    David Responds

    Oh I am pleased you are enjoying your holiday, and bravo to you for taking on a new adventure at the beach.

    Oh and a photograph .. I like these letters … fishing it out of the envelope .. just pop my glasses on … let's have a look …

    … Ah well … that's not really an outfit for the beach is it dear, it's more … well I'm not sure how you describe it … it looks … more for comfort, yes that's it … it looks very comfortable.

    And woollen ... it looks woollen, no wonder you are hot. And the leg warmers .. I mean they do match and they are very nice, but do you think you need them for the beach? Why not roll them down an bit let a bit of sunshine on your skin.

    Oh that reminds me, did that recipe for a poultice I sent you do any good?

    Monday, 4 November 2013

    Dear David - Gran Canaria

    Dear David

    I have just arrived in Gran Canaria.  Can you advise any places to go for a nice night out?


    David Responds

    Oh how lovely, a few days in Gran Canaria. 

    There are many places to go in this popular holiday destination. Look out for that place that looks like a massive '70s car park - it has lots of bars and restaurants to visit on a night out.

    Try the show tune place.  It has a television set and they play recordings and you can spend a lovely evening listening to all the latest tunes from today's top singing stars, Petulia Clark, Dusty Springfield ... Cilla Black to name a few.  I do like Cilla ... have you heard her?   She has the most marvelous northern accent, 'Step inside Luv', I can almost hear her voice now!

    And of a weekend there are 'Hollywood specials' to look forward to, featuring the likes of Liza Minnelli and Judy Garland, (did you know Liza was Judy's daughter? It's not well known, she likes to keep that one quiet). 

    I have asked my friend Miss Beverly Hills to look out for you, (you can't miss her ... she is quite tall), she will give you all the inside information on the best places to go. 

    Saturday, 2 November 2013

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Lady Gaga lost her luggage on a trans-Atlantic flight to the UK;
    • Lady Gaga had to perform her new tune on X Factor in her vest and pants;
    • Janine is leaving EastEnders;
    • just as Sonia is going back;
    • Harry broke a toe;
    • David got some new glasses;
    • James (Blake not Blunt) won the planet Mercury; 
    • Denise was on holiday with her latest husband;
    • the Queen signed something about making it easier to have your Sunday papers delivered; 
    • Rebekah has been seeing Andy - funny it never made it to the front page of The News of the World, nor get a mention when she divorced Grant Mitchell for adultery; and
    • Barak said he never hacked the pope's phone - but he said he might want to give their Kevin a ring back about Christmas.


    The Shipley art gallery has opened its craft store for Christmas.  They are promising all sorts of lovely knitted things you can give as gifts this Christmas.

    Do go along and support this local initiative.

    Oh one note .... I don't want anything knitted from a craft fair for Christmas.

    Brought to you by 'Dear David Crafts'.


    I have come to the conclusion that bananas are a nuisance in the Caribbean.

    And somehow those countries have found a way of making us pay to transport all of there bananas half way around the world so that we can put them in our bins


    ... And so it starts ... scraping frost off the car.

    And a bit of fashion advice to the young gentleman wearing flip flops and no socks ... when there is frost on the ground ... wear proper shoes.

    But last week's disappointment, bit of excitement at Sainsbury's with a shelf full off my multi-grain seeded.

    But oh doesn't she snatch it out of your hand when you ask for it to be sliced!  It's not my fault she has a dozen carts to load and no time to be doing personalised slices.

    Rotten old bag.