Monday, 30 September 2013

Dear David - Royal Mail

Dear David

I was thinking about buying a share in Royal Mail. What do you think?


David Responds

'A share'? I don't think you are allowed to buy just one, I think you have to buy a few.

Anyway, I don't really give financial advice, well not since the advice I gave about buying shares in Woolworth's (who saw that happening!).

If you do decide to invest, remember the value of shares can go down as well as up.

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry and Niall had a game of golf;
  • Katy has a new perfume out;
  • Ed went to Brighton;
  • Ed made a bit of a speech; 
  • Cher released her 26th album;
  • David is back in EastEnders;
  • David said he wasn't sure if he was a feminist - not the David back in EastEnders;
  • Ricky is doing the Voice in Australia;
  • Harry went to a casino - not 'Prince of' Harry;
  • George is going to be Christened next month; and
  • Rosie and Justin haven't split up.

Dear David - Tutu

Dear David

You said you would never mention that night I wore the tutu again.  Anyway I don't really remember much about it.  I still want to wear it.


David Responds

Oh you must remember, I told you all the details while we were waiting for that nice policeman to check your card details when I went to bail you out.

Do you not remember ... you were at the bar wearing your tutu and that big lad asked if you could pass him a straw.  And you said there weren't any straws, and he laughed and said 'Oh sorry they must be your legs'.

And you were furious and you said he should think himself lucky see your legs ... and he said 'I don't want to see your rotten skinny legs'.  And you said 'don't you bandy legs with me'.

And he said 'who are you calling bandy legs'.

And then it all got a bit out of hand.

The next thing I knew, the music was off, the lights were on and the riot police were pushing everyone out onto the street.

So no, i don't think you should wear your tutu.

Dear David - Strictly

Dear David

In honor of Strictly being back on TV do you think I could get away with wearing my tu tu to the Laughing Donkey this weekend?


David Responds

Not with those legs.  And anyway, have you forgotten the last time you wore it?


Early visit to Sainsbury's and just in time to see fresh rolls being put out on display.

If you have ever wondered if it is worth using the tongs to select our rolls, I wouldn't bother, the miserable old bag on specialty bread was picking them up with her bare hands and chucking them in the baskets four at a time.

But hasn't she got big hands, she could manage four dried tomato and black olive at a time. 
Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Dear David - Crafts

Dear david

I saw your letter about crafting and thought I would tell you about our little up coming event at the community center.  It is the old folks autumn competition 'stars of the silver screen in buttons'.  Would you like to be a judge?


David responds

God no.

Dear David - Winter Hobby

Dear David

As summer is over and the nights are drawing in, I want to take up a craft for the long winter evenings.  I was thinking of embroidery, what do you think?


David responds

Oh I think a new hobby is a great idea, and this is a great time to start, by the time Spring comes you will be quite proficient!

But ... eerrr, I'm not sure embroidery is such a good idea.

It's just ... well how can I put it ... you are not the most delicate of things, and your hands are quite large, almost shovel like, (remember winter 2010 when you dug your 4x4 out of that ditch with your bare hands?), and those needles are quite small. 

Let me have a think of an alternative, in the meantime I will send you my free leaflet 'How to fill the long lonely winter nights with a new hobby'.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Dear David - Hemp ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter, but if you read my question properly you will see I was asking about decoration for my loaf.  Now give me a proper reply.


David Responds

How rude.

I have looked up 'hemp' and I don't think it is the type of thing I want to be associated with.

But I do have contacts that might be able to help you in the Laughing Donkey.  So I have passed your letter onto the tab man with one ear called Albert.  See him on Saturday night and he might have something for you.

Dear David - Hemp

Dear David

Where do I get hemp leaves from?  for decoation purposes only of course?


David Responds

You don't say what it is you want to decorate and I am not sure I quite know what hemp is.  Why don't you get a nice brooch instead?

Dear David - Ladies Maid ... again

Dear David

I received your leaflet 'How to dress yourself when you don't have a ladies maid', what does it mean 'take dress out of wardrobe?

David Responds

Oh God ... stay where you are, don't move ... I'm coming round.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Dear David - Ladies Maid

Dear David

When I awoke this morning I discovered my ladies maid quit without giving any notice.  I don't know what to do, can you help?

David Responds

Oh dear how distressing, but please don't panic, I will try and talk you through this ... I am here for you. 

First of all ... can you move?  Try and sit up ... can you do that for me?

If you can sit, try and put a pillow under your back.  Don't worry if the pillow is a bit heavy, you will get used to the weight.  You might be a little breathless after this sudden movement, but don't worry, it is quite normal.

Now when you are sitting up, try ringing that little bell next to your bed.  You might have to wait a while before someone comes.  Please be patient.

Your upstairs housemaid should arrive soon, but don't be alarmed if your parlour maid arrives instead, your servants will have been surprised to hear you ringing your bell so they might panic.

Tell your maid you will take breakfast in bed and to cancel all your appointments for the rest of the week.  This will give you some time to get dressed, it will be difficult for you as you will have to do it yourself.

I have sent you my leaflet 'How to dress yourself when you don't have a ladies maid'. You should get it in a couple of days.

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Professor Green and Millie got married - no I have no idea who they are either - but it says here they got married;
  • Liz and Shane split up; 
  • David had long unkempt hair for Paris fashion week;
  • Chris is taking driving tests in LA;
  • Simon had an argument with the one that is having his baby;
  • Tom has lost a bit of weight;
  • Julie is still telling the tale of her marriages and her time on Corrie;
  • Shane arrived in London to make up with Liz;
  • Liz went to New York;
  • David had a nap with his shoes off;
  • David wore black skin tight jeans;
  • David is too old to wear black jeans;
  • David's jeans weren't meant to be skin tight;
  • Godfrey told a joke that wasn't funny;
  • Godfrey tells lots of jokes that aren't funny;
  • Nigel was annoyed with Godfrey;
  • Nigel said Godfrey was offensive;
  • Nigel said he was annoyed because it was supposed to be his turn to be offensive.

Dear David - Harry Styles

Dear David

I have been putting all your style advice into practice to make me look like my favorite out of One Direction.  What do you think?  Photograph enclosed. Do you think I look like Harry Styles? 

David Responds

Oh I do like it when people find my style advice useful ... I love it when I can turn someone who is rather dreary and uninspiring into someone exciting and fabulous.

... let's have a look at the photograph ... I do like these letters ...

Good lord, what have you done?  Is that the before photograph or the after one?  Oh hang on, there is something written on the front in crayon ... what does that say ... ah yes 'After' with the more unusual spelling containing two 'f's.

I never told you to do all that!  You haven't told anyone you followed my advice have you?

And no, you don't look like Harry Styles, more like Harry Worth. 

Look I will pass your letter onto Gok Wan, he likes a challenge. 

And don't go out of the house until he contacts you.

Friday, 20 September 2013

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

Since when did it become socially acceptable to have a Saturday night out in clothes I would do the gardening in?  Can you recommended somewhere nice to go?

David Responds

Ah yes this has been a worrying trend over many years.  Even my local, the Laughing Donkey, is not immune to this worrying fashion.

Sadly the days of dressing up on a Saturday night in your latest finery are long gone.

For some, the best they can manage is to shine their Wellington boots on the back of their overalls.

You don't say whether you are a lady or a gentleman, (I have had a look at your enclosed photograph, but I am still not sure), but don't let the masses deter you, if you want to dress up in the latest designer gear for a night out - you go for it.

Where do you live dear? I tried putting your post code in my GPS to see if I could find somewhere local for you that is a bit smart, but your not coming up.

You aren't in Essex are you, I think there might be one or two places you could try.  Drop me a text with your post code on my private number and I will see if I can find somewhere.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Dear David - Caravans

Dear David

Tomorrow I have to count, verify serial numbers and occupancy of over 900 static caravans.  Do you have any advice for me?

David responds

Yes, start early.

Dear David - Hair Extensions

Dear David

I have seen in the news that men are having hair extensions to look like Harry Styles.  Do you think I should have extensions put in my hair?


David Responds

What hair?

Dear David - Tray-Bake

Dear David

Can you give me a recipe for a home made tray bake?

David Responds

Oh a bakery question ... I like these ones.

Yes a home made tray-bake can be tricky, try my recipe for a special Christmas treat ... although I did get it originally from Mary Berry herself. 

Buy a shop made block of shortbread, a jar of jam, six glace cherries (quartered), some Cadbury's buttons (for decoration) and a box of icing sugar.  Put them all on a tray.

Monday, 16 September 2013

Dear David - Antiques

Dear David

I have been watching a lot of daytime television and I do love all those antiques programmes, but I don't understand all the terms they use. Can you give me a guide?


David Responds

Oh dear, I have had this question several times before, but since you ask, here are some of the more popular descriptions they use … and their meaning:

Collectable - tat
Very collectable - common
A good eye - lucky
Decorative - tat
Speculative - tat
No age to it - new
At its price - paid too much
In the style of - copy
Silver plate - worthless
Pewter - worthless
Cigarette box - worthless
Arts and Crafts - tat
70s - worthless
Family piece - worthles; and with two meanings ...
Interesting - boring
Interesting - worthless.

Oh and Ethel, that reminds me, could I have my opera glasses back, I don't particularly want to squint all the way through Pagliacci.  

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Andrew went for a walk in the garden and had a chat with a policeman;
  • David left his secret work box (the work box isn't secret, it is the work that is secret) on a train;
  • William left the RAF;
  • Kerry is having a baby;
  • Tom was doing jury service in America;
  • Boris told someone to get stuffed; Boris said he was very sorry for saying get stuffed, he said it just slipped out, he had meant to say 'no';
  • Sian isn't going to a wedding this weekend;
  • that Geordie bird won BB; and
  • Elton won something as well; and
  • Zara wore an outfit from Thoroughly Modern Millie to somewhere or other.

Dear David - Bouncer ... again

Dear David

I was upset you mentioned that I don't like being out after dark in your reply to my recent letter. I thought we agreed not to talk about it again?


David Responds

I am sorry you were upset by my reply. I know you are still a bit touchy about being out after dark and the whole subject of … well ... what the local paper called 'Stalkergate'.

But really you have to put it behind you, when the whole sorry story came out in Court there was absolutely no evidence against you, the judge even said … now what did he say again .. oh yes I have the report here … let's have a look … 'I find it difficult to believe that this slip of a defendant mounted a serious surveillance operation of terror against that big lad over there'.

So really forget all about it and try to re-build your life. And no more nonsense about going out after dark.


At last the Christmas sweets have arrived at Sainsbury's, complete with jack frost and snowmen decoration.  I was beginning to think they weren't going to bother with Christmas this year.

Meanwhile, over at specialty bread I see they have moved the bread slicer round the corner (the bread slicer is a machine not a person).  Which is all very well, but when I have spent 10 minutes selecting my munti-grain seeded, I don't particularly want to let it out of my sight. 

The miserable old bag that slices it could be up to all sorts round that corner.

Friday, 13 September 2013

Dear David - Bouncer

Dear David

I have been thinking about a new job. What do you think about me becoming a bouncer?


David Responds

A bouncer! I know you have been looking for something new since you were finished at Greggs, after that unfortunate incident with a waffle iron and a tray of jam doughnuts (how is Tracy by the way, has she had her cast off yet), but whatever made you think of being a bouncer?

I'm not sure it is wise, not with your ankles.   And you know you don't like being out after dark … and what with your bus pass ending at 9pm, I'm not sure it is the best career move for you.

Having said that I do know the seniors group at the community center are having a bit of bother with some local lads trying to crash into the Bring and Buy coffee mornings, so you might want to give them a ring and see if they need a bit of muscle for the door.

Well I say muscle … it would be more 'looking at trouble makers in a menacing way' with you, but you get my drift.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Dear David - Soggy

Dear David

How can I avoid a soggy bottom?


David Responds

Oh yes this is a major concern, now when you are baking pies … oh hang on a second, I think I know where you are going with this question. You are one of those 'bawdy humour' types that revels in rather unseemly lines of conversation.

I have passed your letter on to Denise Robertson, she likes a laugh down the pub with her mates, I am sure she will appreciate your question, (I can hear the hoots of laughter even now).

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Dear David - Custard Tarts

Dear David

I can never get my custard tarts out of the tin.  Do you have any tips?

David Responds

Have you tried whacking the back of the tin with a hammer?  That should do it.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Dear David - Eyebrows ... again

Dear David

I couldn't wait any longer for a reply to my question about my eyebrows (do you not have a customer charter), so I plucked. What do you think, photograph enclosed.


David Responds

Flaming cheek, I am not Arkwright's store, I am not open all hours.

I offer a bespoke, quality service to my customers, if you want some reeled off, top of the head advice, write to Denise Robertson.  She is happy to rattle off some homely advice at a moments notice.

Oh ... I see you have enclosed a photograph ... let's have a look ....

Oh my good lord, what have you done?

While I am happy to see you now have two eyebrows, I think I recommended some 'general shaping and a tidy up.  You have gone from Rudolph Hess to Joan Crawford.

See if you can get one of those wool hats the youngsters seem to like (I think Enrique Iglesias has one) to wear, and pull it down firmly until your brows grow back.

Dear David - Eyebrows

Dear David

Is the rule for shaping and plucking eyebrows the same for men and women. I have enclosed a 'before' photograph of me.


David Responds

Oh yes, more and more men are having a little work done on eyebrows, so this is quite timely ...

Oh I see you have enclosed a photograph ... I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... let's have a look ...

Goodness you are hairy aren't you, I thought I had picked up one of the panda photographs. 

Make an urgent appointment with your usual beautician and ask for some general shaping and trimming.  You might want to ask your beautician to try and form your eyebrow into two separate brows ... rather than the 'Rudolph Hess' look you currently favour.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Dear David - Panda ... again

Dear David

After all the fuss in the media a couple of weeks ago, did that Scottish panda have its baby?

David Responds

Animals don't have nationalities.

 And I have no idea, I've told you before, pandas are dead boring.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Dear David - Intruder

Dear David

I have a rather large house in London, but someone broke in while I was out last night.  I have checked all my capo di monti and I think it is all there, so I don't think he took anything. Do you have any advice?

Q  London (address withheld Editor)

David Responds

Oh dear that is a worry. 

There are lots of things you can do to protect your property when you are out; make sure all your windows and doors are locked, don't leave your dustbin under a window etc.

Have you tried leaving a light on when you go to the shops?

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet, What to do with your palace when you are out.

Celebrity Week

This week celebrity news:
  • Poirot is getting a new mystery to solve, 38 years after he died;
  • the Strictly line up was revealed - times are getting hard in the world of celebrity;
  • Harry took a tenner out of a Cashpoint - I mean money not a singer;
  • Vladimir didn't want to sit next to Barack; and
  • Barack isn't going to talk to David;
  • and Vladimir isn't going to talk to David either;
  • One D have a new fragrance out;
  • Victoria had her bike stolen in New York; while 
  • Nicola and Ellie had an night out; and
  • Joey and Jamie had a night out too;
  • Ethan has a broken arm - but it is only in a film; and
  • the ones in One D and Little mix that got engaged are getting married before Christmas (only 108 shopping days to go).


I see Russia had a bit of a go at the UK this week, commenting on how we have no place in the world.

Russia then went on to back their friend Syria.

When in your country's recent history your leader murdered 20 million of his own people, I suppose that's the sort of thing you do.

Dear David - Trifle ... again

An Urgent Message From 'Dear David' ...

... if you are planning to make a trifle this weekend, don't buy glace cherries, they are dead expensive (£1.50 from Sainsbury's).  Try crushing a digestive biscuit (chocolate) on top as a finishing touch instead.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Dear David - Autumn Fashion

Dear David

Apparently summer is over and autumn is here. Could you give me a steer for what to wear for this tricky season in the Laughing donkey?


David Responds

Oh I didn't realise your 'going out' wardrobe was adjusted for the seasons.  It's difficult to tell under that overcoat you put over everything.

Don't get me wrong, it is a very nice overcoat. It is just that not everyone can carry off the German storm trooper look.

But yes autumn with lots of different unpredictable weather can be a difficult season for fashion.

I know you don't have much money and you just have your ... what I like to call 'Government Grant, to live on, so why not try a re-using a summer outfit but add an autumnal touch?
 Wear a tee shirt with a cardigan thrown casually over your shoulders.

This should have the regulars gasping in admiration. 

What about that cardigan your nan knitted for you last Christmas? By the way, did she ever finish the second sleeve?

I know it has a reindeer on the front, but you could just tell people it was 'autumn forest' rather than Christmas.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Dear David - Conference

Dear David

I'm going to a big international Conference and there is someone going I can't stand.  Do you have any tips on how to avoid him?

anon U.S.

David Responds

Ah yes being thrown together with a load of strangers at a Conference can be a nightmare, even worse if someone you don't like is going!

Try and get there early and have a bit of a mooch around the conference room.  If they have put out place name cards, move them around a bit to suit yourself.  I like to try and get a seat facing a window so there is something to look at when it gets boring.

When you have decided on your seat, put your duffle on the chair next to you, if the chap you are trying to avoid looks like he is making for that seat, point to your coat and silently mouth 'my friend is sitting here'.  He is sure to take the hint and sit somewhere else. 

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Dear David - Trifle ... again

Dear David

Having watched last night's Great British Bake Off I decided to make a trifle.  My guest tonight said my custard is too slack.  How do you think I can improve it? 


David Responds

When you say 'guest' tonight do you mean 'community support officer'?

But how very adventurous making your own custard, well done!

I think you just need to add another table spoon (heaped) of Bird's custard powder, that should do the trick.

Dear David - Trifle

Dear David

I missed the 'Bake Off' last night but understand there were some great trifles on the programme. I love trifle - can you give me a recipe?

David Responds

Oh I like baking questions, yes I can give you a great recipe for a homemade trifle:

Buy a packet of ready made sponge fingers, ready made custard, ready made jelly and a pot of cream. Put everything in a bowel.

For that extra special 'gourmet' look, place a glace cherry on the top.

Top tip - Borrow a cherry off neighbour, because a pot of them is dead expensive.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Dear David - Strictly

Dear David

Who do you think will win this year's Strictly?

David Responds

Oh God is it that time of year already?

… let's have a look in the Radio Times …

… flicking through the pages …

… checking out the contestant list …

... there looks to be a right load of tat here ... oh hang on a minute ...


Monday, 2 September 2013

Dear David - Football Club

Dear David

I am a rather well known footballer just about to go to Spain for a lot of money. I want to say something in Spanish to my new club, do you have any suggestions


David Responds

Don't say

dos cervezas, por favor