Saturday, 31 August 2013

Celebrity Week

This week celebrity news:
  • Louis had a cigar;  
  • Catherine and Michael split up; and
  • so did Clint and Dina;
  • Tom and Tamzin split up as well; but 
  • Kim and what's his name got back together
  • Vanessa ratbag is doing Strictly;  
  • so is that one off of the BBC news;
  • Jennifer is going to do American Idol again - for $17 million; 
  • One D Liam isn't a teenager anymore;
  • ITV are having a go at doing Strictly;
  • Peter is retiring from ITC2;
  • William and Kate had a day out without the baby; and
  • Camila wanted to know what time they were getting back as she needed to get to the shops.

Dear David - Kiss

Dear David

Last week in the Laughing Donkey a friend of our only air kissed me on one cheek, instead of the customary two.  What do you make of that?

C

David Responds

How odd .. although to be fair, you were eating a cheese and onion pasty at the time.

Sainsbury's

Popped into Sainsbury's this morning and thought I would have a bit of a chat with lady on specialty bread.

You might remember the bakery counter had a bit of a make over a few weeks ago, so I complimented her on her nice new racks.  She just glared at me.

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Dear David - Football

Dear David
 
I support a premiership football team but they are so bad we think it is a major achievement if they beat a minor team from a seaside town - a town I didn't even know had a team.   Can you give my team some help?
 
AG
 
David Responds
 
Your team doesn't need me, they need the Wizard of Oz.

Dear David - Panda

Dear David

Is it true that Tian Tian is expecting a ginger baby panda?

C

David Responds

What a funny question ... no I don't think so, it is highly unlikely that ... oh I see where we are going with this one ... I think you are making reference to the high pre disposition to red colouring in Scotland.

Well I won't be doing with such blatant stereotyping in my correspondence, so just to be clear, the new panda (should there be one - I have my doubts, and anyway pandas are dead boring) will not be named Hamish McTaggart Panda, Och aye the noo Panda, nor will it be called Ecclefechan McSporran Panda!

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Dear David - Bread Sticks

Dear David

My bread sticks are much better than those on the Great British Bake Off.  Would you like me to bring some to the Laughing Donkey for you to sample one night?  So much better than your usual cheese and onion.

C

David Responds

Oh God, not again.  We had this all out last year with your so called 'home baked jam doughnuts'.

It was very kind of you to bring your freshly warmed treats to the Laughing Donkey and a great idea to slice them into quarters to pass around the bar, and I suppose you weren't to know the dreadful consequences - who knew you could get listeria from a jam doughnut!

We never did get to the bottom of how the contamination was caused did we, and really you shouldn't blame yourself - after all the coroner was quite clear on the point, he said, hang on I still have his report here, what did he say again ... oh yes  ..'it was very unusual chain of events that led to the contamination of the jam doughnuts,  .... in all his 43 years as a coroner he had never seen such an event ... and 'no blame should be attached to the defendant' ...

There you see dear it was all very unfortunate, but in the circumstances, perhaps you should leave your bread sticks at home. 

Monday, 26 August 2013

Dear David - Shirts

Dear David

I have a major moral dilemma - do I swap running shirts with a promising, upcoming Ugandan runner when it means gaining a national Ugandan shirt but losing my Parkrun 50 shirt?

David Responds

I can see you don't want to lose your treasured Parkrun 50 shirt, but what an opportunity! You will regret it if your friend becomes internationally renowned in years to come.

Why not cut the labels out of each shirt and swap them over before you exchange shirts, that way you will always have a piece of your original. 

Dear David - Remarriage

Dear David

I have just found out my son might be geting back with his ex.  What sould I do?

name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Oh dear I am sorry, I know you had a bit of bother with that one.  Still look on the bright side, it should make for an amusing, if a little awkward Christmas lunch.

But as to your dilemma, there isn't much you can do, except support you child's decision.

... Oh ... that picture you cut out of The Sun and keep in a frame on the mantlepiece, you might want to stick it in a drawer somewhere.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Dear David - Washing up

Dear David

I have run out of Fairy liquid.  Will liquid soap do?

David Responds

You have 'run out?', whatever is your maid thinking of, letting such a thing happen.

Send her out immediately for a new bottle and tell her you will be stopping the money out of her wages.

Celebrity Week

This week celebrity news:
  • Madonna was 55;  
  • David is on holiday in Scotland - an island; 
  • David is wearing that blue t shirt again;
  • Greg had a bit of a tussle in a hotel; 
  • David is on holiday in cornwall;
  • David must have an all day rover; 
  • David had a bad back - must be carrying all them suitcases;
  • One off of One Direction got engaged to one off of Little Mix - not sure which ones; and
  • One Direction had a premiere;
  • Gareth is going to be quite expensive;
  • another load of celebrities entered the BB house; 
  • Ben is going to play Batman; and
  • Rihanna is going to play Josephine. 

Dear David - X Factor

Dear David

Are we watching X Factor this year?

David Responds

This is a tricky one, on the one hand, the standard of contestant gets worse every year and with the return of the vile one, it isn't very appealing.  But on the other hand it is every where and difficult to avoid.

Why not watch the first week, see if there is anyone on you can't stand and take it from there?

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Dear David - Photographs

Dear David

We had a family barbie the other week and I took a few snaps of wor kid, her bairn and her latest fella, anyway they are all over Facebook and I'm getting grief because they aren't perfect. I'm right fed up. What should I do?

David Responds

Oh that made me laugh, when you wrote 'they weren't perfect' I thought you meant your family, not the photographs. I am still laughing.

Oh you have included your photographs … I like these letters ...

... fishing them out of the envelope ... let's have a look ...

Oh, good heavens, you did mean your family ...

… they do remind me of that American TV programme from the 60s … now what was it called … (they're creepy and their Kooky ...) about a family, yes that's it The Addams Family.

Let's have another look at your photographs … oh they do so remind me of that programme … it was hilarious … no wait a minute, it wasn't the Addams Family, .. it was the other one wasn't it … The Munsters, that's it Herman and what was she called again .. oh yes … Lily.


I liked that programme.

Now where was I, oh yes your family photographs, well I am afraid we all get the family we are given, I can see they are a bit rough, but there isn't much you can do.

If you are planning to take photos in the future, why not pop around on a Sunday when they will be in their Sunday best, that might take the edge off a bit.

Oh and try and avoid impromptu, sudden snaps, that one with the meat cleaver is a bit worrying.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Dear David - One Direction

Dear David

I've just seen One direction on the telly. Do you think I shold have my hair done like Harry Styles?
C

David Responds

What hair?

Dear David - Great British Bake Off

Dear David

I see The Great British Bake Off is back on TV, I am very excited.  I know you liked it too, would you like to come over and watch it with me?

Etherl

David Responds

No

Monday, 19 August 2013

Dear David - Relationship

Dear David

I have borderline personality disorder and my partner is bipolar. Is there a future for our relationship?

David Responds

Oh I would pack it in, I couldn't be bothered. Try and find someone else.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Celebrity Week

This week celebrity news:
  • Frank and Christine went shopping - I still say they will never get married;
  • Justin left a party; 
  • Jennifer didn't get married; 
  • Barbara has written 160 books since she died; 
  • Tom is leaving the Voice - there will be no none left at this rate; 
  • Dame Kiri is going to be in Downton; 
  • Ed got an egg shampoo; 
  • Rihanna wore a zebra dress - not a zebra's dress, a zebra dress;
  • Nicholas wore a hat and sun glasses at the airport - he was looking cool and trim, apparently; and
  • Dec has a new girlfriend.

Sainsbury's

Huge excitement in Sainsbury's this morning.

After a few weeks of in-store construction work, we have a new specialty bread section.

With brand new shelves, new counter, new cover glass case with little cup cakes in ... it was very exciting.

It even has a new name ... 'Patisserie'.

Even the miserable old bag behind the counter was smiling ... well almost smiling.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Dear David- Flip Flops ... again

Dear David

I think you were a bit dismissive about my flip flops. I have enclosed a photograph to let you see how stylish I look in them.

C

David Responds

Oh a photograph … I like these letters …

… fishing it out of the envelope … let's have a look …

Ah … yes … well, they are nice flip flops, although they look a little homemade … I didn't know you could get wooden flip flops.

And those socks look lovely and warm, and fluffy too, but are you sure you are supposed to wear them with flip flops?

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Dear David - Flip Flops

Dear David

Is it ever acceptable to wear flip flops if you are a man on a night out in the toon?

C

David Responds

Oh good gracious no, not in any circumstances.

Oh by the way, you have spelled 'town' incorrectly, you have put a 'o' when you should have put a 'w'.

Oh hang on, let's have a look at the post mark … oh, you are one of those Geordie types … then the answer to your question is … I wouldn't be surprised.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Dear David - The Laughing Donkey

Dear David

I am getting flash backs from the weekend - I think I was in the Laughing Donkey and I seem to remember an inflatable doll landing on me and having an altercation with a hard looking hen party from Stockton.  Is that right?

David Responds

Oh was that you was it ... I was in the VIP area and I do recall there being a bit of a disturbance amongst a rough looking lot over by the fruit machines - is that what happened?

One of the bouncers - Kitty I think she is called - went over to calm things down a bit, I did wonder who it was.

If they let you back in the Laughing Donkey,mention my name and I will see if I can get you a nice seat somewhere.

Dear David - Great British Bake Off

Dear David

I am very excited about The Great British Bake Off starting again soon on the tely.  I was wondering if you would be giving baking tips while the series is running?

David Responds

Well no, not really, this is Dear David not Dear Delia.

Unless of course you have a specific problem, like your baps are too big, or your dough balls are too small, then I will be happy to help.

Look I have passed your letter onto Denise Robertson, she is more comfortable with these 'homey' type letters.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Dear David - Retraction

David Responds

C - I am very sorry I told everyone it was your 40th birthday at least 10 years ago, I didn't mean to upset you.

I am sure no one realises it is you, but I will print a correction in the next edition of Dear David to say it was your 25th birthday, not your 40th ... is that all right?

... Now put the spatula down and move away from the edge .. will you do that for me dear ...

Friday, 9 August 2013

Dear David - Wisdom Tooth

Dear David

I think I am getting a wisdom tooth and I am nearly 35.  What do you think of that?

C

David Responds

35?   Is that correct?  I am sure I was at your 40th birthday party years ago.  If I remember rightly it was a joint 40th birthday party with Miss Beverly Hills before she moved to live in semi-retirement in Gran Canaria.

She has been there for at least 10 years to my certain knowledge, so you must be a lot older than 35, maybe it was a slip of the pen when you wrote the number.

Now what was your question again ... oh yes .. your alleged wisdom tooth.

These teeth arrive later in life ... hence the name 'wisdom', but usually well before the age of 25.  If you are '35' then what you are experiencing is unlikely to be a wisdom tooth.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Dear David - Co-op ... again

Dear David

I've just seen on the news that the Co-op isn't selling Nuts anymore.  Where can I go now?

David Responds

Oh dear, that is sad, have you tried Holland and Barrett?

Dear David - Co-op

Dear David

I noticed the Co-op's summer TV advert plays 'the most wonderful time of the year'.  Is that not a Christmas song?

David Responds

It is indeed a Christmas song, but times are hard and the Co-op is saving a bit of money by reusing some old footage.

Get ready to hear it again in a month or so as part of their Christmas campaign.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Dear David - Eyes

Dear David

I didn't get much sleep last night, now I have puffy eyes.  do you have any tips to get rid of them?

P

David Responds

Ah yes, a sleepless night can cause havoc.

Take a few minutes to lie down with damp cooling tea bags on your eyes. That should reduce puffiness and give you that bright eyed look.

Remember to remove the tea bags before you leave the house.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Dear David - Scones

Dear David

A friend suggested recently that I try putting strawberry jam on my cheese scones for afternoon tea.  Has he gone mad?

K

David Responds

Ah this one comes up all the time.  Yes it does seem a strange combination, but it is quite delicious.  Do give it a try sometime.

It is a bit like putting balsamic vinegar on strawberries - odd but tasty.

If you give the strawberries and vinegar thing a go - marinate strawberries in two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar, minimum one hour, no more than four hours.  Drain and serve.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Celebrity Week

This week celebrity news:
  • Elton had his appendicitis out;
  • Elle got married;
  • Peter became the new doctor;
  • Louis is leaving X Factor next year - at last;
  • Anthea is going out with Richard - didn't take long to find another millionaire, and this one has money as well; while
  • Kelly chucked Danny; and
  • Charley and Matthew split up;
  • Jennifer and Justin are marrying in secret this weekend - again;
  • with almost $3 billion to her name, Oprah was told she couldn't afford a £25,000 handbag; and
  • Sharon took her face with her to old boot camp ... sorry boot camp.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Dear David - Film

Dear david

I have just watched Indiana Jones and the last croustade.  But there wasn't a single reference to bread in it.  Why did they call it that?

Ethel

David Responds

Crusade. Put your glasses on.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Honor is going to be in Casualty - just the TV programme though;  
  • talking of honours, Vicky lost hers ... off the queen;
  • Simon is going to be a dad;
  • In a surprise win, Robert was re-elected president of Zimbabwe - oh no sorry that is next week's news;
  • Kelly bought Jane's ring;
  • Kelly isn't allowed to take Jane's ring home;
  • George got registered;
  • Kate says her job is 'Princess of the United Kingdom' - I know a few of them; and
  • Nigella got her nisi - funny how quickly these things can happen if you have a few bob in the bank.

Dear David - Dream

Dear David

Last night I dreamt Genghis Kahn was singing to me in an '80s disco.  What do you think it meant?

David Responds

Do you mean Chaka Khan?

Dear David - Frolicking

Dear David

I have just shown my holiday phots to a friend and she said I was 'frolicking on the beach'.  what's 'frolicking' and how do I know if I was 'frolicking'?

David Responds

What a funny question.

If you are walking along a beach, then that is, well ... just walking along a beach.

If you were running a bit, or jumping up and down, or had both feet in the water, then that is frolicking.

If you have just one foot in the water, that's not frolicking, that's just walking on the beach but not looking where you are going.

If you were canoodling on the beach, well that counts as frolicking.

Dear David - Sainsbury's

Dear David

I too shop in Sainsbury's (don't we have lots in common; the Laughing Donkey, 32 inch waists to name a coupler) and I have an issue with the surly old bag on the Lotto till.  do you think she could be related to the on on speciality bread at your local Sainsbury's?

C

David Responds

Yes we do seem to have a lot in common, but since I don't know you I don't think it is called 'lots in common' I think it is called 'stalking'.

But to your question ... does the one on the Lotto till say things like 'What do you want?' and 'We haven't got any?', or 'I'm on my break'?

And does she have a funny twitch if she has to smile?  If so, then I think we have found a couple of sisters.

Sainsbury's

Early morning trip to Sainsbury's

It is a cheery good morning to the gentleman in the black car driving four inches off the back of my car, who overtook me on a single carriageway on a bend ... at speed and a cloud of smoke.  All because I was traveling at 29 miles an hour in a 30 miles per hour zone.

I take it you are new to the area so welcome to the North East, area of outstanding natural desolation.

Oh and if you are wondering what that flash of light was, it was the hidden speed camera on that road that all the locals know about.

Friday, 2 August 2013

Dear David - An Hotel

Dear David

There's been a heated discussion in the office today about whether to say 'a' or 'an' before the word 'hotel'. Which is it, sir?

I don't know if it makes a difference, but I am American

T

David Responds

Oh a letter from one of our American friends, how lovely.

You have picked up on a frequent source of argument in the English language.

For many, we are taught to use 'an' if the next word begins with a vowel and 'a' if it commences with a consonant.

This is the source of the confusion, the correct direction should be to say 'where the following word begins with a 'vowel sound …'.

So in your example 'an hotel' is quite correct as although the following word begins with a consonant, it does have a vowel sound, (created because the second letter is a vowel).

Hotel is a funny one because I suppose it depends on whether you pronounce the word 'otel' or 'hotel'. Scope for more confusion!

For future reference and for an easier life why don't you just say you are staying at an Inn.