Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Dear David - Desolate

Dear David

I am a suddenly rather well known member of the House of Lords.  I am thinking of going somewhere desolate for my holidays.  Do you have any suggestions?

name and address withheld (Ed)

David Responds

Why not try your future career.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Long Lost Family

Spot the flaw in the argument …

'Oh!  I always hoped you would find me one day.  I made it easy for you by moving to Australia, not leaving a forwarding address and changing my name'.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tina got married; 
  • Ricky got a new tattoo; 
  • Kate had a baby; and 
  • Penelope had a baby as well;
  • Helen fell over in her shoes - there is a lot of it about at the minute; 
  • the pope went on holiday to Brazil - the latest one - not the one before the current one; 
  • Helen had an emergency spray tan at one in the morning - oooh I wonder where she got done?; 
  • David is going back to EastEnders; 
  • Jane is going to be on a £10 note - how exciting; 
  • a rock star had a secret love child - whoever heard of such a thing;
  • Harry is going to look after George to make sure he doesn't get into trouble ... are you sure that is wise?;
  • the Queen went on her holidays; and 
  • David went on his holidays as well - still with a rotten blue shirt - it is a new one, but it is still rotten.


I have a message for the rotten old trannie that has started parking in my space in Sainsbury's car park ...

... your skirts are too short for a lady of your age.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Dear David - Prince George ...again

Dear David

I would rather buy something for Prince George.  I have enclosed a list of things I might get, what do you think?


David Responds

Well if you are sure ... let's have a look at the list ... fishing it out of the envelope ...

eerr, do you think Prince George really needs steak knives?

Dear David - Prince George

Dear David

What do you think would be an appropriate gift for me to get Prince George?


David responds

Oh how very thoughtful of you, especially since I know you only have your ... well let's call it a 'government grant' .. to get by on.  But I am sure William and Kate wouldn't want you to go to any expense, so why don't you make them something?

And not one of your rotten tea cosies, the one you sent me for Christmas was neither use nor ornament after it had been washed.

Dear David - Gym

Dear David

I am going for my first gym session today.  Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, one hour before you go to the gym, roll down your town socks, so that when you change into your gym outfit you don't have that line of ribbing indentation marks showing around your calves above your gym socks. 

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Dear David - Bob's Your Uncle

Dear David

I've often heard the expression 'Bob's your uncle', and wondered where it comes from.  Do you know?

I am American.

David Responds

American ... how lovely.

And I do like letters about English ... how ironic.

Unfortunately for this one, I can't be exact.  No one realy knows where it comes from.

There is a theory that it originates from Robert Cecil, Lord Salisbury.  He was British Prime Minister (Prime Minister is like your American President, only not as big) during Queen Victoria's (Queen is like your American President, only bigger) reign (reign is like your American 'term of office' only longer - ask Charles) and he was well known for giving his nephew Arthur Balfour (another Prime Minister) great jobs in preference to and at the expense of others.

This led to people saying 'Bob's your uncle' when something was seen to be easy.

This is only a theory, but it is as good as any.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Celebrity Week - Royal Special

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate had a baby; 
  • Charles and Camila went to have a look at the baby;
  • Camila asked if they could leave it until after Countdown because it was a semi-final;
  • Charles said he didn't have much in to take in as a present - he wasn't sure they would want a packet of Duchy originals;
  • the queen told Camila to say she was asking after them, but she couldn't come in at the minute because, she had that much packing to do for Balmoral;
  • Camila slapped Charles every time he said 'eeeh I remember when me and Diana were here with William;
  • Carole said she was pleased to get her first cuddle;
  • William said he was a bit surprised at being grabbed but wouldn't make an issue of it ... just this once;
  • there was a 62 gun salute outside Buckingham Palace for the royal baby;
  • the queen dropped and smashed her favorite tea cup when she forgot about the 62 gun salute;
  • the queen asked 'Which one is William again?'
  • Charles said 'He is mine mother, the first one I had with Diana, I've just told you that; and
  • William said - 'does anyone know how this baby seat works?'

Dear David - Baby ... again

Dear David

The girls at work were talking about what 'push' presents Kate would get following the birth of her baby.  One said she got a 'Pandora's bracelet.  I'm confused, what is a 'push' present?

David Responds

I think it is a modern term, it is a bit coarse but it refers to when she got the push from Tesco Extra on the high street when she told them she was with child.

I'm surprised they got enough in the whip round to get her a Pandora, I wouldn't have thought she had been there that long.  Maybe its really a Bella Perlina.

Monday, 22 July 2013

Dear David - Baby ... again

Dear David

Will Kate have a boy or a girl?


David Responds


Dear David - Dream ... again

Dear David

I thought your reply about the meaning of my dream was rubbish.  Give me a proper response - I've never even heard of Robert De Niro. 

David Responds

Oh that is a mystery then.

What about Bananarama, do you like them and have you been in what might be descibed as ... errr a 'gay environment' recently?

Dear David - Baby

Dear David

I am in hospital trying to have a baby, but there is a load of people outside my window making a lot of noise.  I am right fed up. Do you have any advice?


David Responds

Oh that is annoying.  Why don't you tap on the window and make a 'shooing' motion with your hand.  That should encourage them to move on.

Dear David - Dream

Dear David

Last night I had a funny dream. I dreamt that Robert De Niro asked me to marry him and he gave me an engagement ring made out of Haribos. What do you think my dream meant?

David Responds

As yes the mystery of dreams.

I think this one is quite tricky and the meaning is hidden deep within the content, but having thought about it and decoded your dream I think it means, that you want Robert De Niro to propose marriage to you and you would like an engagement ring made from a Haribo sweet.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Halle got married;
  • Cisse got fined for not wearing his Wonga football shirt; 
  • If Cisse pays his fine early, he can get another one straight away;
  • Mickey Rooney says he wants to leave Man U;
  • Coleen says she isn't going abroad;
  • the pretty one won the Apprentice;
  • Harry almost set fire to himself on stage;
  • Liz kissed Shane; while
  • Christina fell over - it's them shoes;
  • Sean has been barred from his local for being too rowdy; and
  • Cheryl and Kimberley have given up alcohol, junk food and sugar to lose weight.


It was a Friday visit to Sainsbury's this week, (I'm a bit pushed busy wise this weekend) so I was hoping the miserable old bag on specialty bread only does weekends and not Fridays.  But she doesn't she was there - her normal happy self.

I asked for some almond croissants.

'We haven't got any' she said.  A little too quick I thought.

'Have you not got any under the counter?'

'No, but we have got some jam doughnuts'

She new fine well I didn't want jam doughnuts.  Rotten old bag.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Dear David - Heatwave ... again

Dear David

I am finding it so hot at the moment.  Do you have any advice for keeping cool?


David Responds

Oh yes dear it is hot isn't it. 

I think I saw you on the bus going past the Co-op on Tuesday, I couldn't help notice you were wearing your winter coat and that woolly hat you got from the War on Want shop last Christmas .  Don't you think you were a little over dressed for the summer?

Why not undo your top button, that might allow a cooling breeze around your d├ęcolletage.

Dear David - Heatwave

Dear David

It has been very hot at work this week.  I have had to wear cooler clothes for work.  Photograph enclosed, what do you think of my summer work outfit?


David Responds

Yes it has been warm this week, hasn't it, and unfortunately it has created some sights to behold in the office.

Oh and a photograph … I like these letters … fishing it out of the envelope … let's have a look …

Ah, oh yes … that does look like a cool summer outfit, very casual.  And aren't you pale, what a lovely colour, my nan used to have her back room that colour in the 60's however did you manage to achieve it?  Aren't you clever - no long summer days lying on a beach for you!

You are quite tall aren't you, and those shorts are quite short, aren't they wonderful - they make your legs look so long. I'm sure in the winter all that hair is quite welcome - but I bet you wish you weren't quite so 'orang-utan' like in the summer!

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Dear David - Quiche

Dear David

Apart from being hooked on fish fingers I have recently developed a bit of a thing got quiche.

What is wrong with me, aren't quiches something from our childhoods?


David Responds

Fish fingers and quiche, that is quite a party you had there.

But oh no, I quite approve of quiche, it is better than some of the recipes you tell me about … tins of beans with sausages already in them … as if there was such a thing!

A nice quiche Lorraine on a crisp white doily will look lovely on your tea table.

You may be interested to learn that quiche originates from Germany, (of all places), and not France as most people think. The word 'quiche' comes from the German word for cake and has been known since about the 14th century. Although adding cheese to make a 'Lorraine' came later.

Please do continue with your quiches.

To add a little excitement (for maybe a Sunday or a Bank Holiday when family call) why not add a parsley garnish. This will be sure to make your guests gasp with delight.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David went to a festival;
  • David went bare foot at the festival;
  • David gave his blue shirts a rest and wore a black one;
  • David wore a pair of shorts;
  • David's shorts have been through the wash a few times;
  • Peggy is going back to EastEnders - for one night only;
  • Elton is having his appendicitis out;
  • Nigella has been talking to Fiona;
  • David and Nick are going on holiday - not together; and
  • the pretty blonde one got through to the final of The Apprentice.

Dear David - Neighbours ... again

Dear David

Not conkers ... conifers.


David Responds

Oh sorry, I thought it was odd, you should write more clearly.

Relationships with neighbours can be tricky, you might not like them but falling out with them can be a nightmare.

I know all about that, don't tell me, you have no idea how many gypsy creams I have lost just staying friends with her next door.  I remember this one time, oh no sorry, I was answering your letter wasn't I, ... where was I, oh yes your conifers ...

Why not try the uncomplicated approach, your neighbour has asked a simple question 'how big will your conifers grow'. Tell her you have been in touch with Alan Titchmarsh and he confirms they will grow to 87 feet.

That should make her happy.

Dear David - Neighbours

Dear David

Her next door, who has only ever spoken to me twice in two years, stuck her head over the garden fence and asked me how big my conkers are going to grow.  She then asked if I had ever thought of cutting them back, she then said they block the light.  She then walked away.

I think it might have to do with me not saying anything at all while she was hurling all this abuse.

What do you think I should do?


David Responds

How rude.   Tell her it is none of her business how big your conkers are. Flaming cheek.


Early morning excitement in Sainsbury's.  Normally you are lucky if there are two checkouts working, this morning, after an emergency broadcast, I counted at least 10. 

But I still think if you are not normally in Sainsbury's at 7 am of a Saturday, you shouldn't be allowed in just because it is sunny.

Oh and an update on the miserable old bag on specialty bread, she is back, she must have just been on holiday last week. 

Friday, 12 July 2013

Walks Like Rihanna

I've been listening to a popular song of the day.

The one about the girl that hasn't got much going for her (in fact I'm surprised she gets out of bed in the morning), but has one positive quality in that she walks like Rihanna … that one.

There is a line that says 'if you close your eyes she's the girl of your dreams'. I don't think they have thought this through.

If you close your eyes you won't be able to see the one good thing about her.

Sometimes I think they just throw these songs together.

Thursday, 11 July 2013


Bit of a rumpus in the House of Commons when William Hague was seen to mutter 'stupid woman' about a lady MP on the opposite benches.

Much annoyance caused and apologies given over the use of the word 'woman' in the insult.

Being called 'stupid' passed without comment.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Dear David - Fractions ... again

Dear David

Hello Dear David. My mummy says you are dead mean and I've not to write to you anymore, but I am still trying to work out that the answer to that question.

I have been up all night trying to get the answer and I think I have finally got it. Is the answer 125/72?

Sarah age 6

David Responds

No it isn't try again.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Dear David - Fractions

Dear David

Hello Dear David. I learned fractions for the first time at school today, do you want to set me a little test to see what I learned?

Sarah age 6

David Responds

How lovely, I think fractions are a bit old fashioned, but I am sure you will find them useful.

A test ... oh well yes ok ... let me think ...

Whats ½ plus ¾ minus 7/8 plus 2/3 divided by 3/5?


I noticed a bit on an error over numbers at the Wimbledon match on Sunday.

It isn't 77 years since a Briton won Wimbledon, it should read, 'a Briton hasn't won Wimbledon since 1977.

Monday, 8 July 2013

Dear David - Barbecue

Dear David

At the weekend I badly burned my fingers when I touched a red hot barbecue. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes - don't touch red hot barbecues.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Dear David - Washing

Dear David

I'm furious, I've hung my freshly lennored sheets on the line to flap in the sun.  However I have discovered them next door have lit a barbecue and now my sheets smell of brunt sausages.  Is there not a law against these barbecues?


David Responds

No, there isn't a law but there should be.

I'm not a great fan of barbecues, I've never seen the attraction of eating dead animals off an open fire.

But to your problem, there isn't much you can do I'm afraid, marching over there and pouring a bucket of water over the offending coals and sausages is one way to make sure you don't get a Christmas card this year.

You could check the wind direction and see if her two doors down on the other side will let you put your washing in her garden.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nicole and Lewis split up - I thought they did that last year?;
  • Kerry is short of money ... again;
  • John got married in California;
  • Kaley is going out with Henry; 
  • Harry went for a walk in the park; 
  • Charles and Camilla played with some Daleks; 
  • Abu is going on holiday on Sunday; 
  • Jessie packed in The Voice;
  • John Paul is going to be a saint and so is John;
  • David had a barbecue in his back garden;
  • David wore a blue shirt to his barbecue in his back garden; 
  • I think David has a lot of blue shirts.

Dear David - Birthday ... again

Dear David

I am looking forward to my birthday party in the Laughing Donkey tonight, but I have had a few cancellations saying people are sick.  Do you think there is something going around?

David Responds

Yes - an email.


Back to normal this week with a Saturday morning visit to Sainsbury's.

Did you know you can buy milk in a bag?  I've only just got used to it coming in boxes and now you can buy it in a bag.

What bright spark came up with that one?

No sign of the miserable old bag on specialty bread - maybe that petition wasn't a waste of time after all.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Dear David - Tennis

Dear David

It is Friday 7 pm and there is tennis on BBC1.  What is going on?

David Responds

Ah yes, tennis on the BBC.

What you have to understand is that the BBC is obsessed with tennis.

Every year they play this game where they pretend a British player can win Wimbledon.

A few years ago they even pretended a Canadian was British so that if he won they could say it was a British win ... tee hee, funny I know.

For the last few years they have pretended Andy Murray is going to win ... goodness forbid it ever happens, we will never hear the end of it!

And for that game we have to put up with all out favorite shows being moved about - (they even moved Flog It last Saturday!).  having said that, there was only The One Show on.

Switch over and catch up with Emmerdale and Corrie.

Dear David - Birthday ... again

Dear David

I told you about my birthday night out in the Laughing Donkey. Could you please confirm if you are coming. I need final numbers for the buffet so I know whether to get one jar of shrimp paste for the sandwiches, or two.

And think I have decided on my outfit, photograph enclosed. What do you think?


David Responds

I think I will be there, I'm just waiting to see if they move Marple from Sunday to Saturday night. But don't bother catering for me, I'm not a great fan of shrimp, or paste for that matter. I'll have a teacake before I set off.

Oh and a photograph .. I like these letters …

fishing it out of the envelope … let's have a look.

Wow what an outfit, that cloak is fantastic, very dramatic, and so long too!

And that top hat really adds to the effect - very Phantom of the Opera.

Is that a mask you have on dear … let's have a closer look … oh, no sorry, it's your acne … has it flared up again?  What a shame, and just before your party too.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Dear David - President

Dear David

Last week I was the President of a well known country, but all of a sudden I am out of a job.  I am very upset.  Are there any jobs for Presidents where you are?

name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Oh dear that does sound upsetting.  Did you get a chance to clear out your desk?

It happened to a friend of mine and she never did get her Royal Doulton tea cup with the hand painted periwinkles back.

As for a job, I am sorry but we have a Queen as Head of State over here and she is showing no signs of packing it in.

Even if she did, there is a queue a mile long for her job.

Sorry I can't give you a happier reply, but I will keep a look out for you and let you know if I hear of anything.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Dear David - Death Valley ... again

Dear David

It is still very hot in Death Valley.  I opened my window as you suggested, it was useless, what a rotten suggestion.  Have you got any other ideas?

David Responds

I can see the hot weather is getting to you and making you a bit bad tempered, but I will overlook it this time.  Have you tried opening the back door to get a through draught  that should do it.

Dear David - Death Valley

Dear David

I live in Death Valley and it has been very hot recently.  Have you any tips for staying cool?

David Responds

Have you tried opening a window?  That should do the trick.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Dear David - Butterflies

Dear David

What is the difference between a butterfly and a moth?

David Responds

Oh a question requiring a scientific reply - I like these ones … please prepare for a detailed scientific description.

Butterflies are pretty whereas moths are creepy and disgusting.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Dear David - Birthday

Dear David

It is my birthday today and I am having a big party for all my friends on Saturday in the Laughing Donkey. I have found out that one of my friends has invited one of his friends to the party without telling me. Do you think this is acceptable?


David Responds

Ah … yes .. well, I was going to mention that … I forgot.

But don't worry I have told him there will be no streamers and no party hats. There won't be any singing and unlikely to be any dancing.

I told him there will be drink, but he will have to buy his own.  I said if he wanted to bring a bag of sausage rolls, that would be great and would add to the party atmosphere.

He seemed really excited, he said he 'could hardly wait'.