Saturday, 29 June 2013

Dear David - A Day at the Races ... again

Dear David

Your response about racing tips for today at Newcastle wasn't much help.  Give me a proper reply.

David Responds

I'm not a bookie's runner ... but if you insist try Tominator in the 3:15.

ps - sorry I am a bit behind with my letters - I was out last night and I have a bit of a head.

Dear David - A Day at the Races

Dear David

I am at the races.  Do you have any tips?

David Responds

I don't really do racing tips - I think it is a bit rough.

I have passed your letter on to Denise Robertson, she is a bit more down to earth. I am sure she will be able to help.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:

  • William and Harry went to a wedding, Kate stayed at home - result;
  • someone won The Voice - at last, I thought it would never end;
  • Rita is getting a body double in Corrie for when she is attacked in the park - there is no truth in the rumor that Miss Beverley Hills landed the role; 
  • a few people left Wimbledon - there will be no one left by the time it finishes at this rate;
  • a load of musicians will be standing in fields and singing in the rain this week;
  • Wiley isn't doing Glastonbury now - no I've never heard of him either;
  • Rupert has got a lot of houses; 
  • Gaga did a show with her new hip;
  • Miss Ross went to a Brazilian steak house - I think that means she went for a meal; and;
  • Billie wore a pink dress at Glastonbury.

Friday, 28 June 2013

Dear David - Phone

Dear David

My phone claims to have predictive text, but it doesn't seem to know any swear words.  Do you think I can get my money back?

C

David Responds

Why on earth would you want a phone that allows swear words, unless you know Gordon Ramsay (you don't know Gordon Ramsay, do you?). 

Were there any particular swear words you wanted to use?  There might be a feature that allows you to add them. 

But why not use nice words instead?  Nice words like 'puppy', 'kitten' or 'unicorn'.

Remember 'a frown is just a smile upside down'.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

Dear David - Wimbledon ... again

Dear David

As previously mentioned I am enjoying Wimbledon.  I have decided I would like a civil partnership with Novak Djokovic, could you arrange it please.

C

David Responds

Ah yes he is quite pleasing isn't he.

I passed on your letter and the hand knitted tea cosy you included. 

I hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of sending him some of the photographs you have sent me over the years ... just so he knows what you look like.

He said 'Thank you very much' for the tea cosy.  He said he didn't know what it was, but thank you very much anyway.

He was a bit less ... how shall I put it ... err  ... thrilled by the prospect of a civil partnership with you.  Yes that's it ... he wasn't 'thrilled' at a civil partnership with you. 

He said he would rather  ... actually I'm not sure what that word is .. I think it is foreign.  I've tried looking it up in my Yugoslavian phrase book ... but it isn't in.

But anyway, I don't think he is interested dear.  Have you not thought of writing to that Billie Jean King, she seems nice.

Dear David - Wimbledon

Dear David

I am really enjoying Wimbledon however it got me thinking.  I can see the score clearly from where I am watching and I can hear all the grunting, so what is the point of commentators?  And why two of them?  My TV license seems to be being wasted.  What do you think?

C

David Responds

Oh is it Wimbledon again, .. already, doesn't the year fly by.

I can see what you are saying, it does seem a bit of a waste, but it isn't really.

If you listen carefully you will see the commentaries are a little behind the action and sometimes they don't quite fit.

This is because the commentaries are recorded soundtracks from years ago (after all if they were current Sue Barker would be 112 by now 'lol'), and the BBC just re-plays them over and over again each year.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Dear David - Flotsam and Jetsam ... again

Dear David

It's a trip to the Isle of Arran.

Ethel

David Responds

For god's sake pull yourself together.

Dear David - Flotsam and Jetsam ... again

Dear David

Just thought I'd explain, I'm going on a cruise organised by the community and I haven't had a night's sleep since with the worry.

The old bag on teas made it worse by mentioning lagan and derelict.  Now I don't know what to do!

Ethel

David Responds

Oh dear, this does sound rather adventurous but worrying dear, where exactly are you going?  Its not Somalia is it?

Dear David - Flotsam and Jetsam

Dear David

What is the difference between 'Flotsam' and 'Jetsam'?

Ethel

David Responds

What a funny question?

'Flotsam' is part of a ship or ship's cargo found as a result of a ship wreck, whilst 'Jetsam' is more or less the same, but stuff which is deliberately thrown overboard, for example to make the ship lighter to avoid a ship wreck.

 Why do you want to know dear?

Monday, 24 June 2013

Him Next Door

Bumped into him next door his morning.  Not him next door that is married to her next door, him next door the other way.

The one who's wife didn't speak to him all Christmas before last because I addressed their Christmas card to 'John and Pauline' when she is called Yvonne and she thought he had been having an affair, but I'm not totally convinced she exists anyway because I've never seen her. 

Well him, he said he thought out joining wall needed pointing.  Which I was surprised at because last summer he pulled it down and built a new one.  But no, he meant the one out the back.

He said he would sort it out as I had no idea my wall needed pointing at ... but I suppose he knows what he is doing.

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Dear David - Holly

Dear David

How does Holly Willoughboobie get her chests to stay in the same place in that dress?

C

David Responds

Blu tac

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news;

  • David left a £50 tip in pizza express; 
  • David has more money than sense; 
  • David got some of his outlay back by using coupon cut out of the Daily Mail; 
  • the queen got a new garter;
  • the queen put a monkey on her horse - what a peculiar thing to do, still I suppose she knows what she is doing as it won;
  • Mariah has two bikinis; 
  • George became Jefferey;there was an abdication on The Apprentice;
  • the orange one has written another autobiography - this one covers the fascinating three weeks from late spring back holiday weekend up to and including last Tuesday; and
  • Sheila Grant is leaving Corrie.

Dear David - World Cup

Dear David

I have tickets for next year's World Cup in Brazil. But I have seen the riots on TV and I am worried.  What should I do?

David Responds

Yes it is a bit worrying isn't it.

Why not pop along to a Newcastle v Sunderland match next season?  If you can survive that, you should be OK.


The Orange One

Exciting news from the world of celebrity!

The orange one has another autobiography out.  I think this is number 43.

This latest book deals with the fascinating period from May bank holiday up to and including last Tuesday.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but in it she tells us about her latest husband, the day she went shopping for some shoes, and the exciting time she had wearing a hat!

In all good Asda Extra stores now, price £1.99.  Or if you wait until next week £0.25 in the bin by the checkout.

Sainsbury's

If that rotten old bag off of specialty bread spent less time whinging about people making complaints about her, and more time putting bread on the shelves, she wouldn't get so many complaints.

rotten old bag.

Friday, 21 June 2013

Dear David - Lunch

Dear David

I am a rather well known celebrity chef and I was thinking of going out for a meal with my husband. Do you have any advice?

(name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Yes - wear a thick scarf.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

Dear David - Getting on

Dear David

I am middle aged but starting to think others might consider me to be 'elderly'.  Are there any signs that you are 'elderly'?

David Responds

Oh yes, people love to attach labels and are more than ready to consider others older than they are.

There are many signs that you are getting older, including signs that you might be becoming 'elderly'.

One to look out for is if, instead of saying 'she fell' someone says 'she had a fall'.   This is a sure sign that you are 'elderly'. 

If someone said 'she had a fall' about you recently, I am so sorry ….

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Dear David - Party

Dear David

It is my birthday soon (I will be 48) and I am having a big party for all my friends at the Community CenterCentre. Would you like to come?

C

David Responds

Oh god, not again.

We went through all this last year. I traipsed for hours on the bus to some rotten Community Center in the middle of nowhere for a so called 'night of a lifetime'.

I was the only one there, I thought the night would never end. And it cost me £27 to get back to Cheadle.

So no, I don't want to come.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

On a recent night out I had a brief chat with a casual acquaintance, but after a few minutes he neglected to leave and followed me and my friends around from bar to bar all night. This was most inconvenient. Can you give me some tips on how to avoid unwanted company in the future?

C

David Responds

Oh yes this can be very distressing when it happens. Although, and I'm not being funny, usually after chatting to you for a few moments most people seem to disappear of their own accord. Are you sure you weren't doing something to encourage him to stay?

If not, then if it happens again try this tip, when he is speaking to you, start singing to yourself, (any current popular song of the day will do). This will make him feel uncomfortable and should be enough to make him move on.

If that doesn’t work try telling him how much you enjoy his company and say you would love him to meet your mother. Say you are going round for tea the following day and you will pick him up from his home to take him with you. Tell him when you are having tea with your mother not to make any sudden movements or mention the Russian royal family. 

This should do the trick.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Dear David - Sainsbuy's

Dear David

I'm very concerned that you didn't give an update on your Saturday visit to Sainsbury's.  Have you been barred?

C

David Responds

Oh I did pop into Sainsbury's at the weekend and posted an update but it was quite early on Saturday morning. 

I know how you like to get to the Community Center of a Friday night and can be found propping up the bar and playing darts till all hours.  And judging by the state of you in some of the pictures you have sent me in the past, I doubt you see much of Saturday morning so you probably missed it.  Do check it out when you have a minute.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Agnetha has some new tunes out;
  • Graham and Trevor split up;
  • the queen popped into see Philip in hospital - but stopped off at a corner shop to get him a card first;
  • the queen said 'I might as well take the card in with me and save a stamp';
  • Anthea and Grant split up;
  • Charles and Camilla met the Bash Street Kids - oh that's a coincidence, one of the Bash Street Kids gets in the Laughing Donkey;
  • Jennifer got some chickens;
  • Caprice is having two babies in two places at the same time; Wayne got some new hair; Harry got 'Never Gonna Dance Again' tattooed on his feet - what a funny thing to do;
  • Since David retired, David spends a lot of time shopping with Victoria;
  • David needs a new hobby; and
  • Tony got a Sirhoodship.

Sainsbury's

I am not totally convinced some of the riff raff in Sainsbury's know the new Tesco has opened.

I've started leaving little pre-printed leaflets around the shop giving information on the newly opened store. 

I've even drawn a little map on the back showing how to get there and little signs showing where the nearest bus stops are.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Dear David - Big Brother

Dear David

I was going to apply to go on Big Brother this year but I was worried I would be nominated for eviction by other housemates.  Do you think I am being paranoid?

C

David Responds

Big Brother - is that still on TV?

Isn't that the programme that is full of attention seeking misfits that no one in their right mind would want to spend any time with? 

You should be alright.

Dear David - Emergency

Dear David
 
I recently licked the bottom of a tea cup that was covered in Domestos.  Can you help?
 
David Responds
 
Yes - seek immediate medical attention.  And then go see a doctor to see to your tongue.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Dear David - Gran Canaria ... again

Dear David

I have just got back from Gran Canaria and I have the post-holiday blues. Do you have any suggestions on how to cheer myself up?

David Responds

Ah yes, back to work after a holiday can be depressing. You need something to look forward to get you through it.

As we are almost half way through June the nights will be drawing in soon and we will be heading towards Christmas.

Why not do some early Christmas shopping, that should cheer you up.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Dear David - What to buy?

Dear David

I don't know whether to buy the new PS4 or XBOX ONE.  What do you think?

David Responds

What are you talking about?

Dear David - Music

Dear David

Are Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac the same?

David Responds

Yes.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Dear David - BGT

Dear David

I am very concerned that there are so many children in the Britain's Got Talent final tonight.  should I call social services.

David Responds

I would bother.  Life is hard and full of disappointment, the sooner you get used to it the better.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Robbie went for dinner with Beatrice and Eugenie;
  • the queen went to the races;
  • Mike fell asleep in the Abbey;
  • Tulisa had a bottle of coke - I think that is what it says here; 
  • Tulisa had some police around; 
  • Nick got clamped again - second time this month, be cheaper to get taxis; 
  • Cher wore a hat; and
  • Arnold wore a hat as well; 
  • Vladimir and Lyudmila separated;
  • the queen opened the BBC;
  • the queen said 'I get my license for free you know':and 
  • Joey is single again.

Dear David - Perfume

Dear David

I read an article in the paper today which said that we spend, on average £50 per person per year on perfume we never use.  Do you thing Superdrug would refund my money on my bottle of Tramp?

David Responds

Oh are you still wearing Tramp, wherever do you get it from dear?

It's not that bottle I bought you for Christmas a few years back is it ... when was it .. now let me think ... I know Princess Margaret was still alive because she gave me the idea.  I was reading an article about her in Bella and she said she swore by Tramp.

She said it brought back memories of her holidays in Mustique and that bloke she was knocking around with, now what was he called ... Roddy something or other.  I think he was her gardener.  It was all very Lady Chat ...

Where was I again, oh yes your bottle of Tramp.  No dear I doubt Superdrug will take it back, they haven't sold it for years.  Why don't you just use it.  I think it suits you.

Sainsbury's

Sunny morning visit to Sainsbury's and doesn't a bit of sunshine bring out the outfits.

But oh God it was the dozy one one on the checkout this morning.  I mean, she is lovely ... bless her ... but she wasn't at the front when they were giving them out, she really wasn't.

And you know your blogger, I try not to be sarcastic, but when someone holds up a bag of fruit and asks 'Are these oranges?'  It is difficult to not to say 'No they are bananas' ... but I resisted.

I just smiled and said 'Yes they are'.

She didn't think they were very big for oranges - which I thought was a bit forward.  I can only assume she is more used to serving truck drivers with hands like shovels and need fruit the size of footballs.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Dear David - Gran Canaria

Dear David,

Do you know anyone who was in Gran Canaria when this little event occurred?

H

David Responds

Funnily enough I do know someone that has just come back from Gran Canaria. I had some very nice post cards from them while they were away.

Rather a lot of post cards if I remember rightly. I thought at the time they seem to be having a lot of stress for someone who is supposed to be on holiday.

Thank you for sending the link to that video clip ... let's have a look ...

What a funny place Gran Canaria seems to be. Where is that place that is on fire, it looks like an abandoned housing estate.

I can't answer all the letters I receive in my post bag, but now I think about it I did get one from Gran Canaria asking if I knew how to get soot marks out of a chiffon scarf.

I thought it was funny at the time, its not like you would have the fire on in the Canaries. I passed that one onto Denise Robertson.

Do you think that post card was a clue?

Dear David - Shoes

Dear David

I went out for a mid week drink on a lovely spring night. At some point I heard someone shout 'espadrilles' at me. I don't understand, is it an insult?

C

David Responds

Oh you do make me laugh … very good, very good. I haven't heard the word espadrilles for years. I think someone was just having a bit of fun with you.

Oh and you have enclosed a photograph of you on your night out … I like these letters … let's have a look …

… oh … you weren't joking, you are wearing espadrilles.

Have you had them a while? They look like they have seen better days, where on earth did you get them from dear?

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet 'How to wear a nice shoe'

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Dear David - Marriage ... again

Dear David

I thought your answer to my question about getting married in white was rude and abrupt.  give me a proper answer ... do you think I could get away with getting married in white.

C

David Responds

Look I am not being funny, but before you make all these wedding plans, don't you think you should get a boyfriend first?

Dear David - Marriage

Dear David

Now that we can get married, do you think I could get away with wearing white?

C

David Responds

Stop saying 'we' and no I don't.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Dear David - Fish Fingers

Dear David

I ate eight fish fingers for my tea - I could have eaten nine.  I seem to be addicted these days.  Could you sign post me to some suitable self help group or give me some advice?

David Responds

Eight fish fingers?  All at once?  Goodness that is a lot of fish fingers.

Let's think about this though.  If you could have eaten the ninth fish finger, does that mean you cooked nine but only ate eight?  If so it is a bit of a waste to leave one in the pan when you have cooked it, you might as well have had it.

Times are hard and we shouldn't be wasting food.

On the other hand you don't actually say you cooked the fish fingers.  You are not eating them raw straight form the packet are you?

You do know frozen fish fingers can't really be classed as sushi?  

Look I can't go into all of this here, send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet How to make a nutritious meal out of a tin of beans, a packet of fish fingers and a bag of King Edwards.

Monday, 3 June 2013

Dear David - Avocado

Dear David

What is the purpose of the avocado? I've tried to be objective but frankly I am at a loss.  do they have any purpose I am not aware of?

C

David Responds

Yes avocados are funny aren't they?

One day they are hard and inedible, two days later they are all mush and horrible.  You have to watch them like a hawk.

But they are nutritious - once you can find a ripe one.  An avocado has about 250 calories but be careful, it also has 22 grams of fat.

If you want to ripen a rock hard avocado, place in a brown paper bag and leave at room temperature. Add a tomato to the bag to speed up the ripening process

Oh and you do know you don't eat the skin don't you?

Brought to you by Dear David nutritional advice productions.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Dear David - Noah's Ark ... again

Dear David

Mummy says you are mean and I'm not to write to you anymore.  I have gone off lions.

Sarah (age 6)

David Responds

Suit yourself, but what did you think the lions were going to eat for 40 days out at sea?

Dear David - Noah's Ark

Dear David

We learned about Noah's Ark in school this week.  But I wonderd what they fed the lions during the flood.  I like lions.

Sarah (age 6)

David Responds

Have you ever wondered why there are no unicorns?

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Paul is planning a move to Hollywood - I wonder if he will be called Paul Aylesham if he moves to Hollywood?;
  • Paul doesn’t hang about;
  • Nikki is packing in the X Factor;
  • Barbara got back into her Genie costume;
  • a load of tat has been on BGT;
  • J-Lo needs to get herself a nice skirt and blouse;
  • David went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • David wore that blue shirt on holiday that was past its best when he wore it on holiday last year;
  • David needs to go shopping for some holiday clothes;
  • and I think Sam has had a few wears out of that beach dress as well; and
  • it is 60 years since the queen got coronated.

Sainsbury's

Trip to Sainsbury's this morning and a message to the chap in front of me who spet £179.90 on 92 items ... you're an idiot.

And the ratty old tee shirt you were wearing needs washing.