Friday, 31 May 2013

Dear David - Crisps

Dear David

I've just eaten my fourth packet of crisps tonight and it's not even 8 o'clock.  Do you think I am addicted to crisps?

David Responds

Four bags of crisps is rather a lot to get through in one sitting, but I am not sure addicted is the right word … maybe substitute would be a better description.

You might be eating crisps as a substitute for something else. 

Are you lonely?  Do you have vast amounts of time when you have nothing to do?  Do you sit at your living room window for long periods of time and look longingly at the lives of others?

If your answer to any (or all) of these questions is yes, then I think you need to consider a strategy to distract you from your huge consumption of crisps.

Have you thought of taking up a hobby?  There are many fascinating ways of passing the lonely evenings to take your mind off eating crisps.

What about fishing ... oh maybe not, it might just make you think of salt and vinegar.

Perhaps train spotting might be safer ... yes that's it.

Next time you fancy a bag of crisps - go and have a look at a train.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Dear David - Gay Marriage

Dear David

Apparently the first gay marriage took place in France this week.  When it is made legal here should we get married and have the world's media at a reception for all our many friends at the Laughing Donkey?

C

David Responds

You might have forgotten the fiasco of the last time we met up, but I haven't.

You invited me along to meet 'all of your friends' at the 'Midsummer Midnight Madness Ball' at the community centre.

What a disaster.  There were only two other guests there.

One was your postman (who said he had never actually met you) and the other one was a chap from the local Chinese who said he was only there making a delivery (He stall wants paying for two number six and an egg fried special, by the way).

I thought the night would never end.

We had this all out last year ... I am not going to marry you.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Dear David - Britain's Got Talent

Dear David

I am a rather well known international singing superstar and I recently had a bit of a spot on Britain's Got Talent.

I wore a rather nice stage outfit, but wondered, did my btm look big in it?

anon

David Responds

Yes, massive.

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Dear David - Gran Canaria ... again

Dear David

As you know from my recent post cards Ia on holiday in Gran Canaria, but I've got a problem.

the thing is, I like prawns but the ones here look different to the ones I am used to from Marks and Spencer.  These ones have heads on them and tails and eyes and shells.  How do I go about eating them?

C

David Responds

I never touch prawns.

Those ones in Gran Canaria sound disgusting.  Order an omelet.

If you absolutely must - try this.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

EDL in Newcstle

Your blogger rarely comments on politics, but with the EDL so close I feel I have to say something.

Some members were interviewed on the local news. 

They could barely string a sentence together, but from what I could make out, they are protesting about foreigners coming over here taking their benefits.

If any of them are in the Laughing Donkey tonight I shall  give them a piece of my mind!

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • George was in a car crash
  • Jessica got married;
  • Patrick put some sun cream on – it is front page news apparently;
  • the queen went to Chelsea;
  • Kate wore a yellow dress;
  • swivel eyed loons became celebrities;
  • Harry was accompanied by a shirtless male companion – that is what it says here;
  • The vile one is back on the X Factor – I’m definitely not watching it now; while
  • Strictly on Ice has been cancelled – after next year’s one;
  • the queen got the bus;
  • after waiting 10 minutes, the queen asked someone it the 47 had been; and
  • Danny chucked Tulisa.

Dear David - Sauna

Dear David

Is it okay to talk to strangers in the sauna?

Brenda

David Responds

Well no not really dear.

Look I don't really deal with these type of questions, I think it is a bit smutty.

I have passed your letter on to Marjorie Proops, she deals with your sort.

Sainsbury's

Your blogger had an eagerly anticipated visit to the supermarket this morning.

Now that the new Tesco has opened, it should clear some of the riff raff that has been in Sainsbury's for months ...

A while later.

... it is too early to tell.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Dear David - Gran Canaria ... again

Dear David

I am still having a lovely time on my holiday in Gran Canaria. We are going out drinking tonight and I think we are going to try and find that bar you told me about - the one that plays the videos and songs by all the latest singing stars.

I am very excited about it and have spent all day choosing my outfit. I am trying it on now and have sent you a photograph. What do you think?

C

David Responds

I am so pleased you are still having fun on your holiday. Oh and I like these letters … with photographs in them.

… fishing it out the envelope …

… let's have a look …

Dear lord what have you got on? You are never going on a night out dressed like that?

I know you like to be fully covered up in case you attract unwanted glances from men, but I think you have gone a bit far with that outfit.

Do you not think it is a bit shapeless, why not try pulling it in a bit round the middle with a belt.

And the sleeves seem a little long. I know you are a bit self-conscious about your hairy knuckles, but I think having your sleeves past your fingertips is just attracting attention.

Why don't you roll the sleeves up a bit, I am sure no one will notice. 

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Scott and Bailey

Your blogger has missed most of this series but caught the last few minutes of last night's episode. Just in time to find out the series is about to conclude.

The lady announcer informed us that the final episode could be seen the following night, but if we couldn't wait until then we could buy it for £1.29 off of iPlayer.

£1.29! This is outrageous, I'm not paying £1.29 to watch a TV programme, it's a disgrace,.

It is a poor show if you can't wait 24 hours for a TV programme …

… did anyone buy it … what happened?

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Dear David - Gran Canaria

Dear David

I am having a lovely time on my holiday in Gran Canaria, I just thought I would send you a post card to say hello.

There was one thing, my friend says he thinks I am over dressed for the beach, (I don't think he wears enough - it can get quite windy in Gran Canaria) photograph enclosed.  What do you think?

C

David Responds

Oh I am glad you are having a nice time and took the time out to send me a post card - I didn't know you could still get post cards, you must have had this one for years.

Oh and a photograph .. I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... let's have a look ...

Well ... you look very nice having fun at the seaside.

But to be fair to your friend, you do seem to have quite a lot on for a day at the beach.

I know times are hard and you won't have wanted to splash out on a new raincoat for a few days in the sun, but your winter overcoat does look very heavy.  Is that what they used to call astrakhan?

Why not undo the top button or take your scarf off, you will feel much more comfortable.

Monday, 20 May 2013

Dear David - Shopping

Dear David

I am ill with worry.

I went shopping today for some new trousers. i tried on my usual 34 waist only to find they were too small, so I tried on a 36 which were OK.

I then tried another pair in another shop, but I had lost so much weight walking between the shops I was down to a 32 waist.

This pattern of fluctuation repeated from shop to shop. Am I ill?

C

David Responds

No, I don't think you are ill, but I do understand why you might be a bit worried.

You have to understand some manufactures use their own clothe sizing methods which often bear no reality to an actual measurement.

On a shopping trip you might encounter many different sizes that fit you, pick the one you like the best.

Oh I see you have enclosed a photograph

… I like these letters …

fishing it out of the envelope …

let's have a look …

Oh ... are these your new trousers? Aren't they smart, it is like looking at a still from 'When the Boat Comes In'.

But they look a little short, is that intentional dear?

I can see that they show your boots off very well, (are they what they used to call 'hob nail boots'?), but to be honest I am not sure it is a great look.

Why don't you try dropping the hems a bit?

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Dear David - Management Courses ... again

Dear David

Just thought I'd let you know that after just one day of training I think our management team will be cohesive and effective, ready to embrace change and motivate our people.  'Team work makes the dream work'.

C

David Responds

Oh dear, they have gotten to you already.

I understand you might be a little worried as they seem to be changing you into a manager.  But don't be too alarmed.  Once you are back in the office and that annoying so and so from admin starts messing around you will soon be back to your usual grumpy cynical self.

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Dan has a new book out, they say it is a ‘page turner’ – I suppose that is the least you can ask of a book;
  • Nick got clamped – well his car did;
  • it rained in Cannes;
  • David said he was packing in football;
  • Victoria said ‘if you think you are sitting round the house all day, you can think again’;
  • Nigel won’t be going to Scotland again for a while;
  • Harry went to Chelsea – the place not the team;
  • Farage suffered a barrage of comment; and
  • the spice girls have cancelled their world tour – Geri is bringing out a solo album instead – that should lessen the disappointment; and 
  • Nigel was asked if he wanted to speak at a Burns supper in January  - he said 'No he did not!;

Shower Gel

As you know, your blogger is ever watchful against the tricks of manufacturers to make us spend more money.

You might have spotted this new body wash product from Nivea.  It promises to leave your skin smooth and fresh after the shower.

Checked it out and you have to use your normal shower gel, then use the Nivea product and them rinse it all off.

This is a disgrace, it is a blatant marketing attempt to make you spend double on shower gel.

This is a scam and a rip off.

Nivea In shower body moisturiser  £3.69 at Sainsbury's.  I'll let you know how I get on.


Friday, 17 May 2013

Dear David - Wine Glass

Dear David

So sorry I have so many questions .. Is it wrong to have a wine glass that can hold half a bottle of wine?  I've enclosed a photograph of me having a small drink on my verandah.

C

David Responds

Oh well done, you have started using a glass, you usually knock it straight back from the bottle, I am so pleased about this little step forward.

Oh and a photograph ... I like these letters ... let's have a look ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

Ah well ... yes ... that isn't really a glass is it dear, it is a vase.

Still it is better than than drinking it straight out of the bottle.

Oh but don't you look cosy gulping back your drink on your balcony on a lovely spring evening.  And what a lot of washing you have, it must be drying a treat in the sunshine.

And what's that behind you ... it looks like an old washing machine and a mattress?  Be careful dear they look like they might topple over!

Dear David - Eurovision

Dear David

I am having a pre Eurovision party on Saturday.  There will be drinks and sandwiches and sausage rolls.

There will also be karaoke where we will sing Eurovision winning songs. Would you like to come?

Steve

David Responds

Dear God no.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Dear David - Management Courses ... again

Dear David

I have thought about your advice on attending the management courses at work and i think I have decided I don't want to do it.  How do I get out of it?

C

David Responds

Oh dear this is a tricky one.

I assume that as you have worked for your employer for a while that they do know you?  And since they know you they must be fairly determined to make you into a manager whether you like it or not.  Getting out of it won't be easy.

They will be wise to all your tricks and will be ready for you.

You might have to rely on my card of last resort ...

... burst into tears every time it is mentioned.

Dear David - Management Courses

Dear David

I am about to go into the first of three all day training sessions on management team building. I don't think I will get anything out of it. Do you think I should be a manager?

C

David Responds

That sounds awful, three days of people trying to be managers.

I am not sure this is for you, you don't really like people so having to manage them might be a bit of a strain. On the other hand it is an opportunity to make their lives a misery so is not something to be dismissed lightly.

Try and find out who you would be managing and if you like the look of them, give it a go. Otherwise try your best to get out of it.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Nerte

Asked by a colleague … 'had I got his nerte'.

I said I had never touched his nerte ...

... What's a nerte?

Monday, 13 May 2013

Dear David - Fashion ... again

Dear David

Thank you for your advice about fashion.  You are right of course I shall stick to my designer look.  I have enclosed a photograph of my 'turn up jeans' look.   What do you think?

C

David Responds

I am happy to help, that is what I am here for.

...Oh and a photograph ... I like these letters ...

Let's have a look ....

Goodness haven't you got skinny ankles, how ever do you stay upright?

To be honest, I think your turn ups are a little high, you don't want to catch a chill do you!

Why not roll them down a little or perhaps wear a nice pair of socks.





Dear David - Fashion

Dear David

How come some people can look wonderful in a £4 tee shirt from Primark but I need to wear designer clothes to achieve the same effect?

C

David Responds
As yes this is one of life's little annoyances, and something I have often wondered about.

But you need to get it into perspective, there are some people that look great in anything, but they are few and far between.

The reality is that some rotten old tat from Primark will look exactly like that, no mater who wears it.

Even if it is marginal ok on its first wear, once it has been through the wash a few times, the savings on design and quality will begin to show.

Don't be fooled by the occasional stroke of good luck of others, stick to your principles and go for the designer look.

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Keira got married;
  • Liam chucked his girlfriend;
  • Charles shut his veg stall;
  • Camilla went to the Houses of Parliament and said ‘ooh I quite like this’;
  • Harry made a film – not that Harry – not that film;
  • the vile one might be heading back to X Factor;
  • Pete is sharing a flat with Macaulay;
  • Harry is in America - the proper Harry;
  • they are putting Poldark back the telly;

Hair Product

It is a while since I have done a product review - but what better opportunity with a new hair product on the market.

L'Oreal Studio Matt & Messy has arrived in a store near you so thought I would give it a go.

It promises a 'Matt and Messy' look.  This is very important because shiny hair is out this season and matt hair is in.

It does look like a lump of putty and you have to go at it a bit to get some out of the pot, but it does go on easily and leaves only a little residue in your hands.

A small amount of product makes absolutely no difference to your hair.  I used increasingly large amounts and reckon you will need about a third of a pot to have any noticeable effect.

It is rubbish, save your money.

Prepostion

Dear David

I noticed a while ago that in your response to a letter you ended a sentence with a preposition.

This isn't allowed.

David Responds

Dear Readers, do you see what I have to put up with ...

... do you see with what I have to put up.

Friday, 10 May 2013

Tune

Bit of a surprise on the music front - I have discovered I quite like a new tune. And it is number one in the hit parade.

I was a bit disappointed to find out it wasn't Chic's new tune … I thought it was ... but it wasn't.

 it must be some other group.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Dear David - Holidays

Dear David

Thank you for your advice. I will send you a postcard from Gran Canaria and another fridge magnet for your collection.

C

David Responds

That is very generous especially since I know how strongly you feel about the cost of postage stamps from abroad.

Oh and don't bother with the fridge magnet, the last one you bought me wasn't really a fridge magnet was it … it was the lid off of a tin of beans.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Dear David - Holiday Fashion

Dear David

I wrote to you earlier in the week to tell you about my holiday in Gran Canaria (I am so excited). I thought I would try on a few of my holiday outfits and let you see the result. It wasn't as warm today as I thought it would be, but you will get the idea. Photographs enclosed.

C

David Responds

Oh yes I do remember your letter about your holiday, you must be really looking forward to it.

Oh and photographs … I like these letters …

… fishing them out of the envelope … let's have a look …

... oh don't you look in the holiday mood it your beach togs.

... but why are you wearing purple leggings dear?

Wait a minute ...let's have a closer look … oh I see they aren't leggings … goodness that North sea must be cold.

And I do like your beret, aren't you quite the bobby dazzler. You will cut a quite dash amongst the fashionable beach goers of Gran Canaria.

Do have a lovely time and you must tell me all your adventures when you get back.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Dear David - Yumbo

Dear David

I have heard that someone has tried to torch the Yumbo Centre in Gran Canaria.  Do you think they will have it looking beautiful again when I go in two weeks?

C

David Responds

Oh dear that is unfortunate ... didn't someone try to torch the place when you went the last time?  Or was that someone else?

I do hope it is all sorted before you go, smouldering tires and blackened shop fronts can put a bit of a dampener on your holiday.

But just to be realistic, The Yumbo centre has needed pulling down for years, so I wouldn't build your hopes up too high on it looking beautiful.  Maybe if they added a few trailing plants on the balconies it might help.

But do look out for that marvelous bar that plays the music and has video tapes.  They have three tapes and if you are there for a week you are sure to hear them all.

They have some wonderful music from all the latest singing stars, Petulia Clark, Cilla Black and Julie Andrews to name a few.  And of a Saturday night they do a Liza and Judy special (Liza is Judy's daughter, but you would never know), go early for a good seat and have a marvelous night.

let me know if the place is a hollow torched ruin and I can post a message for other would be holiday makers.

Monday, 6 May 2013

Dear David - Laughing Donkey

Dear David

I was delighted to see you had a great night out with your friends in the Laughing Donkey on Sunday, but it got me thinking ... is there something wrong with the company you keep of a Saturday night?  I can't remember you waxing lyrical about it before?

C

David Responds

Ah ... yes ... no ..well ... er ... thing is it was a birthday party.

There were hats and cake, we were drinking mosquitoes and that big bird from Stockton that wears sequined dresses and has big feet, she was playing music and there was dancing. 

I think we all got a little carried away because we ended up in that place next door, (where you go up the stairs and down the other side).

I think I still have a party streamer, should I bring it along on Saturday, you could throw it at someone?

Saturday, 4 May 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • William and Kate have been married two years – is it two years already? Can’t be ..;
  • One D was in Paris;
  • Nancy moved out of Sven's house - I thought he chucked her years ago?;
  • Beatrix packed it in;
  • Kerry lost her clothes;
  • Frank might be going to LA Galaxy, now that David has left;
  • the Spice Girl show is ending its run in the West End - I didn't know it was still going on;
  • the Pope moved back into the Vatican;
  • the other Pope said 'well if he thinks he is getting that nice room on the corner that gets all the sun - well he isn't;
  • Bollywood celebrated 100 years of remaking the same film;

Dear David - Shorts ... again

Dear David

I was a bit cross with your response to my letter about wearing shorts ... and after I took the trouble to send you a photograph as well!  Please give me some proper advice.

C

David Responds

I am sorry you didn't like my reply, it is just that not everyone suits the 'Eric Morecambe in shorts' look.

But if you insist on wearing shorts you should know that we are wearing them shorter this year (not '70s footballer short).

Traditionally men's shorts are worn to just below the knee or a 'mid-knee' point.

This year shorts are stopping at the top of the knee.

I have just had another look at your photograph, you might want to cut the turn-ups off.


Warning - this look does not suit everyone.   

Sainsbury's

Quiet visit to Sainsbury's this morning.

The miserable old bag was on her own on specialty bread.  Lady in front of me asked if she had any large bloomers.

I tittered.  (or should that be snickered - I will have to look it up).

The old bag just glared at me.

Honestly she has got no sense of humour, she is a right misery.

Friday, 3 May 2013

Elections

I thought the Tory's position on gay marriage was supposed to lose them votes at elections?

I have watched the news and it has never been mentioned.

UKIP coming over here, stealing our protesters ...

Dear David - Shorts

Dear David

As it is the Spring Bank Holiday I was thinking of wearing shorts on my night out on Saturday. Photograph enclosed, what do you think?

C

David Responds

Ooh a photograph .. lets have a look ....

... not with them knees.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Dear David - The Sage ... again

Dear David

I was so excited when you confirmed The Seekers were on at the Sage. I only have my pension so I don't have much money but I rushed out to the box office and bought two tickets.

Would you like to come with me?

Ethel

David Responds

No.

Dear David - The Sage

Dear David

I have heard that the original line up of The Seekers is getting back together for one last performance at the Sage in Gateshead. I used to like them a lot. Do you know if it is true.

Ethel

David Responds

Oh yes they were marvellous weren't they. 'Hey there Georgy Girl …' such a catchy tune

Yes it is true, they are on at the Sage in September. Tickets are on sale now.

Brought to you by Dear David Publicity.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Dear David - Dear Marge

Dear David

Stop sending me these smutty letters. I don't do that sort ... any more. I've passed them on to Denise Robertson.

Marge

David Responds

Ok thanks.