Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Dear David - Olly Murs ... again

Dear David

I am afraid I don't agree with you regarding Olly Murs and Bruno Mars being pretty much the same. It's obvious that Olly Murs has a massive talent. You can see it when he performs.

anon

David Responds

Yes I can see where you are coming from Olly is quite energetic on stage all that jumping about and running around. I think it is what they call a 'performance'.

But I have to say Bruno does quite a bit of that too so it is all much the same.

Oh hang on wait a minute, I know who you are ... I recognize the yellow notepaper. You're that one that sent me a smutty letter a few weeks ago. Let me read this letter again ...

I knew it, you are being smutty.

I am passing this on to Marjorie Proops she likes to deal with your sort.

Monday, 29 April 2013

Dear david - MOT

Dear David

I recently took advantage of an offer on the Internet to have my car MOT'd for £50. I am now getting worried that I have made a mistake. What do you think?

David Responds

Ah yes, well .. that is a little side line I am running, but don't worry I have a new bucket, some J cloths and a willing team for my new business.

And just as soon as I learn the Romanian for 'do a MOT on that car' I will be up and running.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Dawn got married;
  • Will took his dog for a walk with a beard – Will has the beard not the dog;
  • and George has a beard as well;
  • Reese has had better weeks;
  • Luis went to a play in Chelsea, then out for a bite to eat – I think that is what it says here, I haven’t got my glasses on;
  • JLS decided to pack it in;
  • JLS decided to give a lot of notice about splitting up so they could give fans plenty of time to buy their tunes again when they release their Greatest Hits album;
  • Danny had a bit of an accident;
  • Gwyneth wore a dress;
  • Gwyneth said she probably should have worn something under the dress - we were all saying that;and
  • Philip had a black eye.

Sainsbury's

Weekly visit to Sainsbury's and that miserable old bag off of speciality bread is definitely off the checkout for good. Saw her stacking a load of sliced whites on the front shelves.

I asked her how much red cabbage was ... she had no idea.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Dear David - Advice

Dear David

I have noticed that some people don't always appreciate the advice you give in your letters. Have you ever thought of just not bothering?

anon

David Responds

Well yes, sometimes I do think people don't always appreciate the advice I give, but that isn't the point.

The world is full of problems and difficulties - and they won't get sorted if we ignore them.

The advice I give is useful and informative and people are going to get it whether they want it or not.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Dear David - Lakes ... again

Dear David

I didn't like your reply to my letter about going to the Lakes .  I enjoy my annual outing there and think you should be more open minded about what the Lake has to offer. 

I have enclosed a photograph from my trip to the Lakes with my friends last year.

R

David Responds

I'm sorry you didn't like my advice - only every time I have been to the Lakes it has been cold and wet. 

Oh you have enclosed a photograph, I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... Let's have a look ...

Oh don't you all look like the professional travelers, with your matching boots and outdoor clothing, very smart. 

Are they 'knapsacks' you are all carrying, I bet you have every possible emergency catered for in there and sandwiches too!

And what's that you are wearing over the top of your clothing?  Are they cagoules?   They are certainly yellow aren't they.  There will be no losing you and your friends on the mountains wearing those will there!

Not sure about the Sou'westers though.  I know you are going to the Lakes, but I think Sou'westers are more sea going than inland waterways.  You might want to leave those at home

Dear David - Lakes

Dear David

I am going walking in the Lake District this weekend, do you have any advice?

R

David Responds

Don't go it will be freezing.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Dear David - Olly Murs

Dear David

are Olly Murs and Bruno Mars the same?

David Responds

Pretty much.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

DPD Postal Deliveries

Came home to a note pushed through the front door - DPD had tried to deliver an item I had bought off the internet, but I wasn't in … so they couldn't.

Their note gave me four options:

They could deliver again tomorrow - during normal business hours when I would be out - like I was today

I could give them another £10 (in addition to the £5 I already gave them to not deliver my item) and they would see if they could pop along during a nominated time period and give me my parcel

I could go to their depot and get it myself - to do this I could go online and book an appointment and they would see if it was convenient for them for me to go and get my item; or

They could leave my item in the front street for me to get when I get in from work - but I have to sign a card first to say if it is stolen it is my own fault.

They conclude by saying if I don't sort it out in four days my parcel will be retuerned to sender ....

Saturday, 20 April 2013

Celebrity Week


A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Kerry got a new engagement ring - she has nearly as many as the Orange one; 
  • while Sharon and Ozzy split up; 
  • Chris packed it in; 
  • Ozzy said they aren't getting divorced - he said it was the drugs - Ozzy taking drugs? you're kidding; 
  • Miranda was on crutches; 
  • the vile one is in Mexico; 
  • Eric said we can’t just build extensions anywhere we like now, he has changed his mind; 
  • Harry is going to the South Pole – I thought he had been?; 
  • Michelle’s green combat jacket is leaving the Street; 
  • Bernie said politics shouldn't get in the way of him making millions out of motor racing; and
  • David said his French wasn’t very good;

Sainsbury's

Another Saturday morning in Sainsbury's

Noticed the summer fashions are out in force ... plunging necklines ... bare arms ... cut-off shorts and flip flops.

I know the sun is shining but it is 8am and 2 degrees for goodness sake.

How do you spell 'thickos' is it one 'k' or two?

Friday, 19 April 2013

Dear David - Laughing Donkey

Dear David

Last Saturday you threw me by suggesting we only had two drinks in the Laughing Donkey instead of our usual three and then move on to other establishments. As you know, I was somewhat traumatised by this change of routine. Are you planning on suggesting a similar change to our plans this Saturday?

C

David Responds

Yes that was a bit of a shock wasn't it - I saw you blanch visibly when I suggested it.

I know you like your routine, and you would stay in the Laughing Donkey all night if you were allowed, but I think you should see what other places have to offer - live a little.

But I think you are being a little coy. You think no one knows, but it is common knowledge that you usually start off in the community center drinking sherry with that fast cat Elsie Dewhusrt before you even get to the Laughing Donkey.

I've seen you hanging onto the fruit machine, trying to stay upright, so don't pretend you don't like touring the bars looking for cheap drinks.

But you might be right, I think it was a little early to be in the Bag of Spanners, you couldn't get moved and there were people standing in our corner.

It might be safer to go back to our usual routine and go later, some of the riff raff might have gone by then.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Deard David - Dates ... again

Dear David

I wrote to you about the trouble I have getting second dates with men after I tell them I am a flea and worm adviser. I didn't thin k your reply was very helpful. can you give me a proper answer?

Anon

David Responds

I wish you would stop writing, you have me itching all over again.

I think you already know the answer to your problem, you have to stop telling men what you do for a living.

Why not just tell them you 'work with animals', (it is animals you work with isn't it?). Yes that's it .. say you give 'hair and nutritional advice for animals'.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Dear David - Dates

Dear David

I am a flea and worm adviser.  Whenever I go out with a man I never get a second date.

David Responds

I'm not surprised.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Dear David - Competion

Dear David

I am in a sewing competition and I need some advice on how I can nobble my competitors.  Do you have any tips?

David Responds

I am not sure I know what you mean.

Have you tried writing to the Daily Mail?

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Dear David - Eyebrows

Dear David

I love Alesha Dixon's eyebrows.  I'd like mine to be like hers, I've had a go.  What do you think?  Photograph enclosed.

C

David Responds

Oh yes she does have marvelous eyebrows doesn't she.  She must spend lots of time doing them, maybe she doesn't work.

Oh and a photograph ... I like these letters...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... let's have a look ...

Ah well yes, you have had a go haven't you.  I think you have the basic shape, but I think they are meant to curve the other way ... curve down not up ... they are ... err nice, but they do make you look a little sinister.

When they grow back why not have another go.


Saturday, 13 April 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • the orange one said her new husband pays for everything – that came as a bit of a blow to the new husband;
  • Rochelle and Kimberly wore the same dress;
  • Denise said her marriage wasn’t on the rocks – oh dear;
  • Gina’s jewels were sold off;
  • Joan has never done any ironing and never had the vac out;
  • Stella wishes she had never heard of The Apprentice;
  • Tony and Ed had a bit of a row - I thought we had seen the back of Tony;
  • Denise said again her marriage wasn’t in trouble;
  • the Orange one said Abbey was too skinny; and
  • Lucy chucked Mario – is she mad?

Factory

Just reading about industrial relations in a match factory (Bryant and May) in the 19th Century. (Saturdays are a laugh a minute in this house).

And have just got to the bit where they are organising a strike committee.

I am not sure that is wise.

Sainsbury's

Packed out at the checkout on an early morning visit to Sainsbury's.

But help was at hand from a cheerful young man who said I should just unload my items (he didn't say items - he said stuff) on an empty checkout and someone would be with me in 'literally two seconds'.

Well it wasn't going to be 'literally two seconds' as there was no one in sight, but it wasn't the time or place to argue.

helpful young man he was, he said he would just 'pop me through'.  I didn't want to be 'popped through', but there was no stopping him.

Still he was fast enough so I was done in no time - but then he insisted on announcing to the world how much I had saved by going to Sainsbury's rather than to Tesco.

I don't like it when they do that.  I like to save that for my afternoon cup of tea when I am transcribing the figures into the ledgers in the attic. 

But do make an effort to go to Sainsbury's today - everything is on offer!  I spent a fortune. I would go back, but I can't afford to save any more money.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Dear David - Song

Dear David

With all the fuss about 'that song' is it true Terry Thomas has been banned?

David Responds

No.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Dear David - Lilies

Dear David

Do Inter-flora do lilies?

C

David Responds

Well they do, but they are a bit pricey, and I don't think they let you buy just one.

Dear David - Panic Room ... again

Dear David

Thank you for your advice about a panic room. I see what you say, but I still think I need one.  I have had a go at building one myself.

Photograph enclosed. What do you think?

Ethel

David Responds

Well I am not convinced you need one, but well done on building your own panic room!

Oh and a photograph … I like these letters …

… fishing it out of the envelope … let's have a look …

Ah well, that isn't really a panic room is it dear? It is your airing cupboard with a sheet hanging in front of it.

And, you might want to take up the Welcome door mat you have put in front of it - it is a bit of a give away.

 I'm not sure that will fool many burglars.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Dear David - Job

Dear David

I was going to be a police commissioner.  But I've made a right mess of it.  I'm right fed up.  Do you have any advice?

name withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Yes - get a decent conditioner.

Dear David - Panic Room

Dear David

I have read in the news about celebrities having panic rooms built in their homes. Do you think I need one? Should I get one?

Ethel

David Responds

Yes I have seen these reports and think they are a marvellous idea.

Do I think you need one? Well if the panic you got yourself into during the Olympics every time they moved Coronation Street is anything to go by, then yes you could probably do with one. But where would you put it?

You know I have been to yours for tea many times and you have a lovely home, (that reminds me, did I leave my hip flask there the last time I was round?) but a one bedroom flat on the fifth floor of a multi-story isn't the easiest place to fit a panic room.

Then there is the industrial size weaving loom you have in your front room, that does take up a lot of space and would probably get in the way if you had to make a mad dash for a concealed door next to the fireplace.

All in all dear, I think a panic room would create more problems than it would solve - why not just put a chain on your front door?

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Dear David - Shoes

Dear David

I know a person, (I don't want top name names, but let's call him Steven Dixon), who openly flouts his cheap and awful footwear in public. Please can you tell me when is it socially acceptable to wear £4 shoes so that on such an occasion I know not to berate said person.

Thank you

N

David Responds

I think you are being a little harsh, how bad can they be?  Are you sure you have the price right, it does seem a little on the cheap side.

Oh, you have sent a photograph ... I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... let's have a look ...

... Oh my good Lord in heavens above.  Where did he get those shoes?  Does he wear them in public ... when you are with him?

I am trying to think of an occasion where those shoes would 'blend in' but I'm struggling ... perhaps a Tinker's Ball?

Not sure what advice I can give you but next time you plan to meet up with your friend, try casually dropping into the conversation the subject of footwear ... something like 'Oh I'd love to meet you for a coffee in Fenwick's, what shoes are you going to wear?' 

That shouldn't arouse too many suspicions.  And if he is planing to wear said shoes you could alter the venue (to somewhere a little more obscure) or come down with a headache at the last minute.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Simon turned up on Saturday night prime TV in a ratty old t shirt and jeans that should have been put in the bin years ago;
  • the orange one wants to sell her pink car;
  • Brad and Angelina are getting married - I know;
  • One Direction have been turned into dummies in Madame Tussauds – apparently they used the melted down wax from the Spice Girls – make your own jokes up;
  • William and Kate had a day out in Glasgow;
  • the Queen won a BAFTA;
  • the Queen said she had been a bit nervous beforehand coz she thought Meryl Streep might have got it;
  • the Queen asked 'how many BAFTAs has Helen Mirren got?

Dear David - Gambling

Dear David

You might have seen in the news I am in a bit of bother as I lost £1 billion in a casino in just over a year.  Do you have any advice?

name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Put a fiver on Seabass in the National.

Horses

I don't often comment on sporting things, but I think this really comes under the heading of 'English'.

There was an item on BBC news about a sporting event this afternoon and the man said that some horse or other was hoping to be only the third horse to win some race this afternoon as well as winning one it ran in a couple of weeks ago, (apologies to my non-sporting readers for all the 'sports speak' jargon).

I don't like to pick up on tiny errors, but I have to point out  that the horse is hoping no such thing.  The horse has no idea it will be running in a race this afternoon let alone hoping it will win it.  The jockey might be, but the horse won't.

Dear David - Spring 2

Dear David

As it is April, do you think it is too soon to apply fake tan?

David Responds

God no.

Dear David - Spring

Dear David

Now that it is April, is it safe to take the shovel out of my boot?

David Responds

What are you talking about?

Friday, 5 April 2013

Dear David - Nuts

Dear David

I am hooked on eating pistachio nuts. Are they good or bad for me? should I be worried?

C

David Responds

Pistachio nuts! Aren't they a bit pricey? I thought you were feeling the pinch and saving your money to buy wool or bits of material for your new hobby?

But still, nuts are a great nutritional addition to your diet - but just a handful mind, they are packed with calories.

Ooh and a photograph, I like these letters …

… although why anyone would take a photograph of a serving of nuts beats me - but I get letters off of all sorts …

… Let's have a look … fishing it out of the envelope …

Ah … well … that's not really a serving of nuts is it dear, it's a family size bar of Cadbury's fruit and nut. It's not the same.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Dear David - Books

Dear David

Are Anne of Green Gables and Pollyanna the same?

David Responds

Yes

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Dear David - Sewing

Dear David

I have started watching the Great British Sew Off, I love it and I have decided to take up sewing as my new hobby. 

Today I made a shirt, what do you think?  Photograph enclosed.

C

David Responds

Oh well done, I am pleased you have found a new hobby, I know time has been hanging heavy on your hands since you got out.  This is great, lots of fun and will save you money too!

But a shirt .. that is very ambitious for a first attempt, let's have a look ...

... fishing the photo out of the envelope ...

... Ah yes that is colourful isn't it?  How many different bits of material did you use dear?  Still as long as it is comfortable ...

... not sure about that third sleeve though, do you really need it?

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Dear David - Easter Eggs

Dear David

Do you have any tips on what to do with left over Easter eggs?

David Responds

What do you mean 'left over'?