Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Dear David - Bow Tie ... again

Dear David

I thought you were a bit dismissive about my plans to wear a bow tie. There is a new club opening near the Laughing Donkey at the weekend and I am planning to wear one of my bow ties to the opening event. I am very excited about it.

I have enclosed a photograph of me wearing a bow tie so you can see how good I look.


David Responds

'one of your bow ties' how many have you got for goodness sake?

Oh a photograph ... I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

... Let's have a look, just pop my specs on ...

Oh don't you look smart in your bow tie! I see you have left the top button of your duffel coat open so you can see the full effect, very nice.

And what's that in the background dear? Is it your trip bus waiting to take you back home after your day out? Doesn't that bus look comfortable, it certainly looks like it has done a few miles.

You have convinced me, take no notice of what anyone says, wear your bow tie and enjoy your night out.

Dear David - Bow Tie

Dear David

What do you think about bow ties being worn to a non black tie event?


David Responds

Not if you don't want to look like a nutty professor.

Oh incidentally, did I ever reply to your letter asking why you never get a second date?

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Dear David - Tunes

Dear David

What is a 'gentle bossa nova'?


David Responds

You have been listening to Petulia Clark records again haven't you?

It's a type of Brazilian music popular in the 1950s and 1960s.

Monday, 25 February 2013

Dear David - Beds

Dear David

Is a queen size bed bigger or smaller than a double bed?


David Responds

What a funny question.

A queen size bed is bigger than a double bed.

But if you are thinking of buying one, bear in mind I have never seen queen size sheets etc in the shops.

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Dear David - Leopard Print

Dear David

I am on a lovely night out but it is being marred by so many girls swarming the place in leopard print outfits. Is there any way we could start a petition to ban leopard print clothing?


David Responds

As yes, the animal print fashion look is not one of my favorites - I blame Bet Lynch.

You don't say where you are having your night out, but on a cold snowy night in February surrounded by lots of ladies in tiny silk leopard print I am guessing Newcastle?

I am afraid I have tried a petition on this subject before but didn't get very far, so a new one probably won't do much better.

As animal print fashion is unlikely to go away, why don't you try and embrace the look yourself? Splash out on a new outfit, or maybe update an existing one?

What about that duffel coat you usually wear? Why don't you get some fabric paint and in a couple of hours you could have a stunning new look. (Tip: you might want to paint over that cigarette burn in the elbow while you are at it).

Saturday, 23 February 2013

MP ... again

Is printing a retraction, apparently it isn't a carrot ... it is a parrot.


It is outrageous!  That woman with a dozen kids and a free £400,000 house ... I now read she has a £1,000 carrot.  It's a disgrace.  I'm going to write to my MP!


The promised 'light dusting of snow overnight' turned into six inches and still falling.

So no Sainsbury's for me this morning. Instead a trip to the local high street and the 'fruit and veg' shop.

... she said she didn't have 'hand-cut, slightly chilled Italian red grapes', but she did had some graes from Namibia.

I didn't know Namibia did grapes ....

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Yo – Ko 8 – 0;
  • Hilary needs to keep her trap shut; and
  • so does Philip;
  • Adel got a Brit for something or other;
  • Adel is expecting an Oscar;
  • Adel is too big for the Brits now so she doesn't go anymore;
  • Adel only has two dresses, that black one she wears all the time or that one that looks like a sofa cover from the 1970s;
  • Vicky has to go through it all again;
  • Adel was still moaning about being cut off TV before the news last year - pet you have never been off the TV since, get over it;
  • Michael spends £60 a day on his new diet - I know how he can do it for less;
  • Cheryl was back home for a few days; and
  • Michael got a phone call.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Dear David - Ready Meals

Dear David

This horse meat scare has me worried, I've thrown all my ready meals in the bin - do you think I should become a vegetarian? Do you think Linda McCartney would approve?

David Responds

Yes this 'horse in burgers' fuss has been going quite a while hasn't it.

I hate to break it to you, but if you have been living on 'ready meals' you probably gave up eating beef ages ago without knowing about it.

Not sure going vegetarian is the answer, after all, it is perfectly fine, if a little filling, to eat a horse.

The question isn't about not eating meat, it is about eating horse but paying for beef.

As for Linda McCartney, I wouldn't worry too much on that score, I doubt she ever sat down to a plate of her own sausages.


Just seen an item about Maths on the news.  Apparently children in this country are two years behind students in Asia in Maths.

Or as our students would report it ... three years!

British Horses

I see the Daily Mail was struggling to keep the 'is that a horse I see in your burger' story running.

But they have now told us 'British' horses are involved.

It was sort of ok as long as it was foreign horses, but ... 'Oh no, now British horses are involved'.

The dirty rotten foreign horses coming over here ... stealing our burgers ...

Dear David - Noise

Dear David

I keep a gun under the bed. I'm concerned I might wake up and hear a noise, not attempt to wake my partner to alert them to potential danger and proceed to shoot through the bathroom door before I realise the noise might be my partner in the bathroom. I am not sure what to do. What do you think?


David Responds

This is shocking ...

... how did you get a partner?

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Dear David - Outfit

Dear David
I have just bought a new outfit for a night out in the Laughing Donkey, (photo enclosed), but do you think my bum looks big in it?

David Responds

Let's have a look ...

… compared to what?

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Dear David - The Smiths

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician and I have just been banned from listening to Smiths records. I am dead fed up. What can I do?


David responds

Have you tried Abba?

Tuesday, 19 February 2013


Noticed a multi storey building on my way to work that is being demolished. They seem to be pulling it down from the bottom upwards.

I am not sure they are doing it right.

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:

  • the pope packed it in; 
  • the queen said she wasn’t bothered if the pope packed it in – she wasn’t going anywhere; 
  • Adele wore a sofa cover to the Grammys; 
  • This Morning accidentally showed pictures of Kate, the same programme that accidentally showed a list the last time; 
  • the orange one wore saggy trakkie bottoms; 
  • the orange one has got funny legs; 
  • Martine doesn't have any money;
  •  Delia says she isn’t doing any more TV; 
  • Delia was on Graham Norton; and 
  • Petulia is doing some UK concerts later in the year.


Bit of trauma in Sainsbury's this morning.  There was a small queue at the checkout but one of the ladies said she would 'put me through self-service'.

I said I didn't want to be put through self-service, but she made me.

Apparently we had to be quick, but if she scanned I could pack.

I said I didn't want to be put through self-service.

I know she was just trying to be helpful, but it was awful, she was scanning and chucking things everywhere.

I like to pack my things in a particular order (you will be surprised to learn) but she was just putting them anywhere she felt like.  She crammed my hand-cut, slightly chilled Italian red grapes next to my teacakes.

Now I have warmed grapes and teacakes with little indentations in them.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Training Course

Quiet week on the blog, I have been on a training course.

They kept asking me questions and everything …

… it was awful ...

... and the trainer was a right misery guts.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Dear David - Pope ... again

Dear David

A bolt of lightening hit the Vatican just hours after the Pope resigned.  Do you think this is unequivocal proof that god exists as he was showing his anger at having to go through another recruitment process?

David Responds

What a lot of questions in one letter ...

I think lightening striking the Vatican is just one of those funny little things in life that just happen.  After all you are supposing God is a catholic, evidence would suggest God isn't catholic at all.

On the other hand He might be a bit cross at having another election so soon as the last one was quite expensive, what with the price of three coffins, a new papal ring, and those ruby slippers aren't cheap. 

Then there are the travel costs, gathering over 100 cardinals from around the world runs up a bit of a bill.  So He might think we should try and get a bit longer out of Popes before we get new ones.

Not sure if they are reading this, but the conclave might like to follow my top tips for electing a Pope:
  • don't get one that is knocking 80 before he starts;
  • don't get one that was in the Hitler Youth - even if he says it wasn't his idea to join and everybody did it in those day;
  • see if you can get one the same size and shape as the last one, to cut down on outfit costs;
  • see if you can get one that can read the bible and interpret it for the 21st century.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Dear David - Pope

Dear David

I hear the pope is resigning - do you think we should have a collection for him?  We could have a leaving do in the Laughing Donkey.  They do a nice buffet supper - it could be a modern day 'Last Supper!'

David Responds

I have had to get my thinking cap on for this question, it is a tricky one isn't it!

I think a collection is a marvellous idea, but what do you get a man who is supposed to have nothing?

I do happen to know he won't be allowed to keep those red shoes after he retires, so a nice pair of slippers from Marks and Spencer's will probably be welcome.   I don't know his taste in slippers but those tartan ones are always popular.

Not so sure about a 'do' in the Laughing Donkey - not after the 'Funny Popes from History' night we had last year.  It all got rather ugly and descended into farce when two trannies started cat calls about each others outfits.  To be fair to Greta, she did have a point, the big trannie looked nothing like Julius the second.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Richard III has been dead for a long time; 
  • Shayne got knocked out of Strictly on Ice – aaw bless; 
  • Zayn and Perrie had crisis talks about their relationship – no I have no idea either; 
  • Chris suddenly remembered he was driving a car after all; 
  • Chris has had better weeks; 
  • Bruce was on the One Show; 
  • Bruce won't be on the One Show again; 
  • Leonardo and Jonah went swimming in the sea; 
  • David went to Europe and wore a funny scarf; 
  • Shirley is going to the Oscars; 
  • Adele is singing at the Oscars – I’d rather hear Shirley sing at the Oscars; and 
  • a lot of people will get BAFTAs at the weekend, when what they really want is an Oscar.


Ministers are gathering today to discuss the growing scandal in the UK food industry.

It is not true the meeting is at 3 o'clock at Cheltenham.

Dear David - Happy New Year

Dear David

The other day someone said 'Happy New Year' to me, as it is now February I wondered when you should stop giving this greeting.

David Responds

00:15 on New Year's day.

Friday, 8 February 2013

Dear David - Ceiling

Dear David

Do you know if they have fixed the leak in the ceiling of the Laughing Donkey. It is just if I go this weekend I need to know if I need to take a pac-a-mac.

David Responds

Yes it was a little worrying wasn’t it. Torrents of water pouring through the ceiling onto the fruit machines. But as you know, this is a regular occurrence in the Laughing Donkey.

How clever of you to think ahead and plan to bring your 'pac-a-mac' with you. I remember in the last flood being impressed as you pulled out and donned this handy emergency outfit. Although not sure why you needed it as you were wearing a raincoat and galoshes at the time. And what was that on your head? Was it what they call a 'Sou'wester'?

Oh and did you get a new one for Christmas? I couldn't help noticing - the one you were wearing was a little snug.

No word yet on how repairs are going, so I would take your pac-a-mac with you - just to be on the safe side.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Dear David - GCSE

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician and I have had to change my plans for GCSEs, and I didn't want to . I am dead fed up.

David Responds

What is the capital of Peru?

Dare David - Tooth Fairy ... again

Dear David

I was very upset when you said the Tooth Fairy did not exist. My mummy says you are mean.

David Responds

Yes I am. Would you like to discuss Santa Claus and the Easter bunny?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Dear David - Gay Marriage

Dear David

I saw in the news about gay marriage becoming law. I was planning to marry my girlfriend next year. do I now have to marry a man. I am very worried.


David Responds

As yes it has been in the news quite a lot recently hasn't it.

Despite dire warnings of the end of the universe from some areas of the blue tory world, as far as I could tell this morning, the universe is still intact and God still seems fairly comfortable as general overseer of all we do.

But to your question, the new law is to make gay marriage optional not compulsory, so do proceed as planned.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Dear David - Richard III

Dear David

Why did they bury Richard III in a car park?


David Responds

They didn't actually bury him in a car park dear.

There was a battle, it was the weekend, there weren't so many undertakers in those days so he sort of got over-looked.

I think the car park came later.

Dear David - Tooth Fairy

Dear David

I lost a tooth and put it under my pillow, but the tooth fairy did not come. Mummy says tooth fairy has to pir…or…it..ise and give the money to younger children first and sometimes she runs out of money. Is this true?

Jemima (age 10¾)

David Responds

No, the tooth fairy does not exist.

Monday, 4 February 2013


I see the Daily Mail got in a bit of a state last week when it reported that the second language in England is now Polish. It is outrageous, and caused much fury.

The Mail hasn't quite worked out that the second language is always going to be a foreign one!

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Sunita is leaving Corrie … or is she?; 
  • Charles and Camilla went on the tube; 
  • One D are singing the Big Nose day tune (a Blondie tune); and 
  • Barbra is singing at the Oscars; 
  • Beyonce didn't sing that song, but she is going to sing the next one;
  • Becks is playing football in France; 
  • Stars of Cabaret reunited for its 40th anniversary; 
  • Zayn hurt his hand;  
  • Zara moved house, back to her mam's; 
  • Justin is going to do the Brits; and
  • it is the 40th year anniversary of Liza Minnelli’s hair-do;

Gym - Springs

After over a decade as a member it is a sad farewell to Springs in Low Fell. Sadly this venue is now closed. 
It must have been a difficult decision to close down but at least members were given plenty of notice.

… sorry what was that? 
Oh no sorry, members were not given any notice, only turned up on Saturday morning to find the gym shut and a notice on the door saying it had closed.

… sorry what was that? 
Oh no sorry, there was no notice on the door - only a locked door.

Goodbye Springs you were rubbish.