Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Say that again ...

Item on the news, some chief constable or other was complaining about not being able to get many candidates to interview for senior jobs.

She said 'the trouble is I am fishing in a very small pool and there are not many people in it'.

Well there wouldn't be many people in a very small pool - it wouldn't be big enough.

I think she meant she was fishing in a very large pool with only a few people in it, or maybe a very small pool with no people in it?

I wish people would say what they mean ...

Grand National

You might be interested to learn 84 horses have been entered into this year's Grand National ...

... three of them were entered by Tesco

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Dear David - Night Out


Dear David

Last year I invited you to join me on a night out at the Community centre, but you said you didn’t like going out in the dark nights.

Now that we are getting through the winter and the nights are getting a little lighter I wondered if you would like to go with me on a night outThe Community has a great night planned in a couple of weeks.

Please say you will go, I am very lonely. Would you like me to get you a ticket?

Ethel

David Responds

No.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Dear David - Two Outfits ... again



Dear David

I just wanted to tell you I had a wonderful time at my ‘do’ at the weekend and to thank you for all your style advice.  I was quite the ‘belle of the ball’.

Yes it was at the Laughing Donkey, I was looking for you all night but I couldn’t see you.  Were you there?

Once again thank you for all your help.

David Responds

I did see you in the Laughing Donkey, I waved, but you were tucking into the £3.50 all you can eat buffet at the time so I don’t think you saw me.  That was quite a plateful you had there, you certainly got your money’s worth! 

I was upstairs on the roof terrace overlooking the bus station for most of the night after that. I don’t think I came back downstairs until after I saw your last bus leave.  

Was that you chasing after it as it pulled out of the station?  I didn’t think the driver was going to stop – that is quite a grip you have there, you nearly had the door off!

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Dear David - Football

Cher David

Je pense d'une carrière en jouant au football en Angleterre. Avez-vous des conseils? 

David Responds 

Try Newcastle.

Dear David - Two Outfits ... again



Dear David 

I have decided to take your advice and wear the green outfit tonight.  I also received your leaflet How to dress up a dowdy outfit and tried to follow some of your tips.  Although some of the things you suggest are quite expensive and I don’t have much money … so I have used some things I found lying around at home.  I have enclosed a photograph of my ‘new’ outfit.  What do you think?  I am very excited about my night out!

David Responds

Oh well done you, styling a new outfit isn’t all about buying new clothes, it is about making the most of what you have.

Let’s have a look at your photograph …

… Fishing it out of the envelope …

Oh my good lord, what have you got on, you can’t go out looking like that.  Especially if you are going to tell people you followed my style advice.

And what’s that on your head? Is it a lamp shade?  I blame Gok Wan.  I think I saw it on his programme but when he did it I think he took the fitment out first. 

Phone me urgently on my private number.

Oh and incidentally, you didn’t say if your ‘do’ was at the Laughing Donkey, … if it is can you drop me a text first to warn me.

Celebrity Week



A look at this week’s celebrities: 

  • Tulisa ate some crisps; Rylan is 24 – you’re kidding right?; 
  • Daniel went to the gym; 
  • Justin won a case against a woman who said his concert had destroyed her ears – oh dear; 
  • Beyonce sang live; or maybe she didn’t; 
  • Kimberley sang live and she shouldn’t have; 
  • the orange one complained about the resort she went to after her wedding, she said it was awful and it ruined her honeymoon – never mind pet you can have another one next year; 
  • Liberty is getting divorced from Rupert - no I've no idea who either;
  • the orange one got the offer of a refund on her holiday, but only on condition she never books with them again; and 
  • Somebody won Celebrity Big Brother.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Dear David - Ball boy



Dear David

I am thinking of becoming a ball boy.  What do you think?

David Responds 

Don’t go to Chelsea.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Dear David - Two Outfits ... again



Dear David

You asked me to send a photograph of my other outfit – here it is. What do you think? Which outfit should I wear to my outing at the weekend?

David Responds

Oh another photograph, I like these letters.

… Fishing it out of the envelope … Let’s have a look …

…Oh dear …

… it is quite green isn’t it? I don't think I have seen that shade of green before, what colour do you call it ... is it err 'natural green'?

Still on the positive side, your dress does take the eye away from your hair, I see you still have those sturdy bunches.

But your acne does seem to have cleared up quite a lot. Did that recipe for a poultice I sent you help?

This is a difficult decision, but I think all in all you should go for the green for your 'do' at the weekend.

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet How to dress up a dowdy outfit.

Oh and this 'do' at the weekend ... It isn't at the Laughing Donkey is it?