Friday, 30 November 2012

The One Bag Rule

Just a reminder that the 'One Bag' rule is temporarily lifted from tomorrow until the beginning of January.

Although lifted, try and not to break the rule too often, it makes you look desperate.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Dear David - Lift

Dear David

I would like your opinion on an ensemble sighted this morning in the lift. 

Pale tan trousers, black shoes, pinky purple shirt topped with a black and white knitted waistcoat (fairisle pattern). 

It was odd and he deserves some styling advice. Being slightly gibberish with a moustache didn't help!

David Responds

Oh dear, I am not sure where to start.  The simple advice is to stop getting in that lift, but I suppose that doesn't really help the young man in question.  

Black shoes with tan trousers are ok at a push, but I would have preferred to see brown shoes with said trousers.

The tan trouser look is quite popular with youngsters, (I am guessing the gentleman in question was no older than 22?) but they are really a summer look, and should have been stored away long before now.  

Black and white knitted waistcoats are a few seasons ago now and I wonder if it has been dragged out of the back of the wardrobe following a brief resurgence in popularity of the fairisle look prompted by a contestant on the Great British Bake Off. 

The pinky purple shirt is a little adventurous for early morning and you should really have pointed this out.

I think we have to allow the moustache - it being the Movember season.

I can see why you were so distressed, but times are hard and we all have to make the seasons stretch a little, but if you see him again, gently point out that after September he really should be into his autumn\winter wardrobe.

Send me a stamped self addressed envelope for my free leaflet 'How to tell someone to update their wardrobe'.

Dear David - Fashions

Dear David

I know I am knocking on a bit, but I do like to keep up with the new trends.

I have seen these young people wearing 'onesies' and I think they would be great for us older ones in this cold weather. 

Times are hard and I don't have much money so I have made my own.  What do you think?  Photograph enclosed.

Ethel

David Responds

Yes, it keeps you young to keep up with the latest fashions.

Oh and a photograph, I like these questions.

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

... Let's have a look ...

Ah ... well its not really a 'onesie' is it dear, ... it is a duvet cover.

And you might find it a bit more comfortable if you cut some arm holes in it.

Dear David - Cash in the Attic

Dear David

When I watch Cash in the Attic, does it make me a bad person if there is someone I don't like the look of and I hope their tat sells for next to nothing?

David Responds

No, that is why we watch it.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Rain

If it doesn't stop raining soon I won't be able to get to town to finish my Christmas shopping.

If I can't get to town, I will have to go to B&Q.

If you wonder why your Christmas present this year is a tin of paint and a screwdriver ... now you know.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Dear David - Necklines

Dear David

I have read that plunging necklines are fashionable this season.  I have bought a few new tops, do you think I suit the look?  I have enclosed a photograph.

David Responds

Oh a fashion letter and a photograph, I like these questions.

Yes the plunging neckline is still popular for the coming season.  Let's have a look at your photograph ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

Oh you are a big girl aren't you, that is quite a plunge.

To be frank dear, I don't think we are plunging that far, if you are going to wear that top, you might want to invest in a couple of scarves to dress it up a bit.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Birthday Night Out

... is a little bit tired today after a birthday night out in the Laughing Donkey.

It was freezing cold and it chucked it down all night, but it didn't spoil the party mood.

And what a night it was, there was dancing girls and party streamers, a cabaret artiste in the person of Miss Rusty just back from a six month tour of Gran Canaria.  Even the plastic glasses had had a bit of a wipe over, and they must have had a delivery of straws in, so there was plenty to go around.

Oh that has just brought a flash back, sorry to my friend for spilling a vodka and coke over your new shoes, I know you said they were pinching a bit, but it was an accident, I am sure they will come up like new if you stuff some newspaper in them and let them dry out.

The Laughing Donkey was packed as Miss Rusty did a special performance of Miss Tina Turner singing that one that starts off quite slow but gets a bit faster as she gets into it (not sure what it is called, something Mary I think).  I was a bit worried at one point 'cause she seems a bit heftier since she got back from the Canaries and I though she was going to tip off the stage at one point ... but she didn't.

... and can you believe a personal appearance by Kylie Minogue singing just for me.

I was very touched that my friend had gone to so much bother to book her for this special personal birthday treat.  But I have to say Kylie is a lot taller in real life.  She must be over six foot and a bit hairier than she looks in Hello magazine, still I suppose they work on the photographs before they publish then.

So as the curtain falls on another birthday night out a special thank you to all my friends for their birthday wishes.  I think I will be taking to my bed this afternoon for a little lie down ...

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • David isn’t playing football in America anymore; 
  • Rihanna locked herself in a panic room on an aeroplane; 
  • Tulisa told everyone off for not voting for who she thinks they should vote for - Unless Tulisa is going to pay my phone bill she can keep her trap shut and I will vote for who I like; 
  • Gary got a medal - I’ve been watching X Factor, I’m the one that deserves the medal; 
  • Gareth switched on the lights on a rotten Christmas tree; 
  • Gordon’s wrinkles are back - not on his back, just back; and 
  • Nadine said she had permission from Tory central office to go on holiday to Australia for a month - Nadine pet, Tory central office doesn’t employ you - your constituents employ you, you might want to have a look at your contract of employment;
  • Linda left the jungle - I didn't even know she had gone in; and 
  • the Ewings won't be the same with out JR bless him

Sainsbury's

Popped into Sainsbury's this morning and bought my Lotto ticket while I was there.  Maybe I will be lucky this week.

I will certainly be lucky not to catch some rotten disease after the ratbag behind the counter coughed all over my ticket for 10 minutes before she handed it over.



Friday, 23 November 2012

US Politics

I rarely comment on international politics, but I can't keep quiet about what is going on in America.

Hilary Clinton, just what are you thinking about?  You really have to do something about your hair.


Thursday, 22 November 2012

Dear David - Christmas Buffet ... again

Dear David

Thank you so much for your help with my question about the Community centre Christmas buffet. I am sure there will be plenty of room would you like to be my guest and come with me?

Ethel
 
David Responds

No.

Dear David - Christmas Buffet

Dear David

There are having a Christmas buffet at the Community centre. It is free to go but you have to take something to eat or drink and share with others. I don't have much money so I was going to take a tin of carrots.  

They are a bit Christmassy, - do you think that will be all right?

Ethel

David Responds

It is nice to see you getting out and about dear, but to be honest I don't think carrots are 'Christmassy'.  When I think of Christmas, I don't immediately think of Carrots!

Can you not have a look around and maybe take a tin of pineapple chunks instead? 

If you can't then I guess the carrots will have to do.

You don't say if the carrots are whole or sliced, if they are whole ones you might be able to get away with putting a cocktail stick in them and calling them 'crudités'.

If they are sliced, I suppose you could mash them up and try and pass them off as a dip. Do you think you could you stretch to a bag of crisps to add to the effect?

Have a nice time and let me know how it goes.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Ear Phones

Have you ever noticed that when you are wearing earphones and someone wants to speak to you - they always whisper?

Why do they do that?

Monday, 19 November 2012

Concert

You might have seen in the news they are organising a concert to raise money for the victims of hurricane sandy.  Apparently Paul McCartney is going to sing.

You would have thought the people on the Eastern seaboard had suffered enough.

Dear David - Brad Pitt

Dear David

I have just seen the Chanel no 5 advert with Brad Pitt.  Me and Brad are about the same age.  Do you think I should grow my hair shoulder length?  Recent photograph enclosed.

David Responds

Oh yes I have seen the advert, not sure I have any idea what it is all about though.

And of course while we would all like to look like Brad Pitt, some of us are closer than others.

Now to your question, oh I see you have sent a photograph, I like these letters

… fishing it out of the envelope …

Let's have a look

Ah yes I see, your hair is … err … quite … what's the word … wispy … no err no, fine, yes that's a better word .. your hair is quite fine.

I am trying to imagine you with shoulder length hair … have you seen Cher in that video for the popular music tune 'Believe', I think you might look a bit like that. 

Not pink of course, but the natural grey look you are currently sporting.

And what's that pointy bit on your forehead?  Would you be keeping that?  It gives you a bit of a look of Eddie Munster - but it is quite fetching in a 'Twilight of the 60s' sort of way.

It might take a bit of growing to get the 'Brad Pitt' look, but I am sure it will be worth it in the end.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Mince Pies

You might recall from last year my life long quest for the perfect Christmas mince pie ... well the quest continues.

I am looking for a mince pie that has no pastry lid, but has a covering of soft icing sugar over the sweet mince filling.

I have searched for many years to find the ones I desire - with little success.

The closest I came last year was Fenwick's own - about £3.50 for six and they were rotten.  Minuscule mince, hard pastry and harder icing. 

So if you see any on your travels - let me know. 

Dear David - Sneeze ... again

Dear David

Thank  you for responding to my query about sneezing, just one comment regarding your reply - when you refer to my 'rotten' cold and 'rotten' germs from frequenting the Laughing Donkey, I would like to point out that the chances are I caught them from you when we were last having a sherry weekend as we discussed the importance of daily moisturising in the aforementioned Laughing Donkey.

C

David Responds

Has anyone ever told you, you get tetchy when you have a cold?  (And thank you for the photograph of you on your sick bed).

I don't think your cold originated from me.  You might recall I had a slight sniffle and may have coughed slightly. 

Judging by how you look in the midst of your illness, your fevered brow, your sweat ridden clammy pyjamas and the vast array of preparations from Boots at your bedside, what you are currently going through is vastly different from my minor indisposition.

Send a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet 'How to Survive a Cold'.

Coupon ... again

A visit to Sainsbury's and another coupon.

This time £0.38p instead of my usual £0.70p.  Now either the item(unspecified) has gone up in Asda or Sainsbury's has dropped its price.

I don't know wheter to stop buying the item or to buy two!

And I received a free copy of the Sainbury's Christmas magazine.  Containing lots of items about what to do at Christmas, what to eat and what happens during the festive holiday.

How useful, what with Christmas being such a closely guarded secret!

Dear David - Sneeze

Dear David

I am slightly under the weather with a seasonal cold and have the usual symptoms, last night I sneezed before I went to sleep and after a restful night's sleep I sneezed almost as soon as I got up.  this got me thinking 'why don't we sneeze when we are asleeep?

C

David Responds

Oh dear I am sorry you are not so well, I hope you weren't in the Laughing Donkey last night spreading your rotten germs around - I don't want your rotten cold.  Hope you get well soon. :-)

Now to your question - there is a long answer and a short answer.

The long answer has to do with nerve reflexes being relaxed when asleep, lack of air flow in a bedroom during the night and nerve messages to the brain.  But that is quite complex to explain and it is Sunday morning and I have a dinner to get ready ... so perhaps the short answer?

You just don't sneeze when you are asleep.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Dear David - Carrots

Dear David

Why are carrots so sweet when they are vegetables?  Should they not be fruit?

David Responds

What an ... errr interesting question.

I don't think the determining factor for fruit status is if something tastes sweet.

After all if it was, jelly and ice cream would be fruit and so would mince pies.

But if you want to call carrots fruit, you go right ahead and do it.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I would draw the line at cabbages though - they could never be called fruit. 

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Cheryl had a night out in Vegas but only lasted 15 minutes - there is no truth in the rumour she was wearing a coat on the night out; 
  • Vanessa wore a coat; while 
  • Miley wore a hat; 
  • Girls Aloud made an eagerly awaited come back - it says hear it was eagerly awaited; 
  • Tulisa is going out with Danny; 
  • just discovered there are lots of people in the jungle - I thought it was just Rosie; 
  • David is having a baby - well his wife is having a baby but these days we say he is having a baby when she is having a baby; 
  • Jennifer gave Justin a $100,000 Porsche; 
  • Kat von D is going back out with her boyfriend - no I’ve no idea who she is either; 
  • Charles and that woman are in New Zealand;

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Dear David - CERN ... again

Dear David

I was fascinated by your explanation about CERN, it was so intellectual. 

But I am now awash with guilt, I feel so guilty that I ask you questions on fashion, Christmas tree decorations and the like.  Should I stop sending you letters?

C

David Responds 

It was rather intellectual wasn't it?  I did wonder if some of my regular readers might struggle with it a bit, but I think they managed.

I do try to cover a wide range of subjects from quantum physics to Christmas trees, so please keep writing with your problems and worries.

If it is keeping you awake at night, I am here to help.




Dear David - CERN ... again

Dear David

I thought your response to the events at CERN was a bit abrupt.  I find it fascinating.  Can you describe what has been discovered.

David Responds

Oh if I must ...

At CERN they found this particle which separates into two.  They call this decay.  Which is dead confusing as I would have thought if a particle is separating into two new things, it was being 're-born' or 'expanding' or 're-creating' or something like that.  Calling it 'decay' is not right.

Anyway this particle they have found had been predicted under the Standard Model of physics, but they had never seen it before so they were quite pleased when they found it.

Having found it, they are now going to look harder for other things they haven't found before, like 'Super Symmetry'.

It is a bit controversial as some scientists say Super Symmetry doesn't exist and this latest finding almost confirms it.

So if it doesn't exist, it will be quite hard to find.

That is the main content of what happened at CERN - are you any the wiser?

Dear David - Trains

Dear David

I am really enjoying the new television series about train journeys with Michael Portillo. Am I getting old?

David Responds 

Yes.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Dear David - CERN

Dear David

I saw in the news a new development, apparently researchers have observed a particle reshaping into two tother in the Large Hadron Collider.  Could you explain it to me?

David Responds

Not really, it looks dead boring.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Gym

Bit of an eventful night at the gym.  the one that has a hairdo that makes her look like a labradoodle has had a purple rinse put on it.  No, I've no idea why either.

But walking home I was stopped by a couple of hoodlums.

'Excuse me' said one (well a polite hoodlum anyway), 'Have you got the lend of a tab?'

I was torn between having a discussion on the dangers of smoking and the problems of starting young and the likelihood of a lifetime of health issues, or raising the many and varied rules of English grammar broken and disregarded in his simple statement.

Then I thought 'oh I can't be bothered' and said 'No'.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Dear David - Gran Canaria ... again

Dear David

I recently sent you a letter about a planned trip to Gran Canaria.  But I think you mixed me up with someone called Ethel and give the wrong answer.  Perhaps you need a better filing system.  I have enclosed a photograpgh of myself, maybe you can get it right this time!

C

David Responds

How rude, there is nothing wrong with my filing system. 

... fishing your photograph out of the envelope ...

... Let's have a look ...

Same advice.

Dear David - Gran Canaria

Dear David

I am thinking of going on holiday to Gran Canaria in a couple of weeks, do you have any tips for a sunshine holiday in December?

Ethel

David Responds

That's a bit exotic for you isn’t it dear?  You usually have a week in Clacton at the back end of June.

I don’t want to put you off, but I am not sure Gran Canaria is suitable for a lady of your age, it might be a little raucous.

But if you are determined, then be aware of the following:
  • The bingo will be in Spanish - can you count up to 90 in Catalan?;
  • There aren’t any post offices so you will have to get your pension when you get back;
  • The libraries won’t have any Catherine Cookson books in English - so make sure to take a few with you;
  • They won’t let you take your knitting needles on the aeroplane, so you won’t be able to get on with that jumper your making for her that does the teas at the Luncheon club;
  • They are unlikely to do port and lemon - even in cocktail bars.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Dear David - Christmas Tree

Dear David

I have a Christmas dilemma.  Should I go for a real tree or a fake one?  And the biggest part of the dilemma is what colour scheme with regard to baubles and decorations should I go for?

C

David Responds

This isn't really a dilemma - as a dilemma is generally a choice between two things, neither of which is appealing. 

If it were a dilemma the simple response would to have neither a real or fake tree.

But since I think you do wish to have a tree, I will treat your question as a problem not a dilemma.

Central to the resolution of your problem is your budget.  If times are hard and you already have a fake tree I would just dig it out of the loft and use it again this year.

If you are a little more flush, then splash out on a new tree.  Here we get to your problem - real or fake.

Personally I like a real one, but they are a right faff to get rid of in January - I can never work out which wheelie bin they should go in.

You can get some really nice fake ones these days, so it might save a lot of hassle after Christmas to leave the real trees in the forest.

If you go for fake, get one that looks like a real tree - it will do you for many years to come, rather than some 'fashionable' (e.g. black) one that you will probably have to replace next year.  Unless of course money is no object.

Tree decided, if you want to go for the sophisticated look, keep your decorations simple and stick to one colour theme.  I think dusky pink and ivory might be nice this year.

Otherwise go for the more traditional Victorian multi-coloured look.  Again much depends on your budget and what you already have.

If you have a box of decorations from previous years, maybe this is time to update them?  Be ruthless, ditch the cracked and chipped ones see what's left and update your tree.  

Oh what's this in the envelope ... oh a photograph of your tree

... Let's have a look ...

oh err, it is colourful isn't it.  Did you make it yourself?  What are the branches made out of, they look like chair legs?  And what is that colour you have painted them, I have checked Dulux colour chart and it doesn't seem to be in there, maybe you mixed it yourself?

Send me (urgently) a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet 'How to dress a Christmas Tree'.

Dear David - Christmas

Dear David

I have noticed lots of Christmas adverts on TV, is it now officially Christmas?

David Responds

Yes there are an increasing number of Christmas adverts about, and it has been weeks since SCS decided we all needed new sofas.

In the olden days I would have said Christmas only really started in December, but times have changed and although I still think December is quite soon enough to start making preparations, I would acknowledge the pressure and give into the inevitable.

Dear David is now open for all your Christmas worries and dilemmas, (please only submit dilemmas in the strictest meaning of the term - 'should I take a bus, a taxi or drive to my nan's on Christmas day' is not a dilemma).

Dear David - Coupon ... again

Dear David

I have a voucher from Sainsbury's for £0.07p.  I will leave it with the barman in the Laughing Donkey for you although I don't think it is redeemable in there.  I think the barman knows you.

C

David Responds

That was very thoughtful of you, and in these days of austerity every penny helps.  But if you could start putting stamps on your envelopes so I don't have to pay your postage, it would be even better.

The barman in the Laughing Donkey does know me - but I don't think he likes me - ever since I sent my flaming sambuca back because I didn't think it had enough flames on it. 

I asked the barman about the coupon last night, but he denied all knowledge of it, I did however see a Sainsbury's cheese and pickle sandwich in his satchel.  Although not conclusive, I have my suspicions about what happened to your coupon. 

Perhaps next time it might be safer to send me your coupons in the post (with a stamp on your envelope of course!)

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:  dedicated to Corporal Jones
  • Barack got to keep his job for another four years; 
  • Mitt is looking for another job; 
  • Donald said there should be a revolution in the USA - have they not already had one, are you allowed to have another one?; 
  • a load of people you don't want to see are going in the jungle - is it not time so of these old shows were given a rest and come up with something new?;
  • Kenneth got a sirhoodnessship; 
  • Phillip was very naughty; and 
  • David needs to keep his big fat ill informed trap shut; 
  • Naomi is planning a party for her billionaire boyfriends 50th birthday - isn’t she knocking on a bit for having ‘boyfriends’?; 
  • one of the ones on One Direction got a tattoo;  and 
  • so did one of the other ones in One Direction; 
  • Bradley had a bit of an accident;
And Clive bless him won’t be panicking anymore …

Dear David - Weight Watching

Dear David

I have been on a strict diet all week and I have put a pound on!  I have enclosed a photograph of me being weighed.  What am I doing wrong?

C

David Responds

Oh dear t is very disheartening when that happens, but these things take time and diets don't really work.

Ooh there's a photograph, I like these ones ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

...Let's have a look ...

Oh my good heavens you have no clothes on.

And where are you being weighed dear, it looks like Boots?

Perhaps if you put that quarter pounder and chips you have in your hand down while being weighed, it might account for the extra pound?

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my free leaflet Eat Fit, Stay Fit.

Sainsbury's

Popped into Sainsbury's this morning, got the nervous one in on the till again.

I keep telling her the 'beep' that makes her jump all the time is off of the till, but she takes no notice.

I proudly handed over my 70p coupon (you might remember I got it last week because I bought an item (unspecified) that was cheaper at Asda and the coupon was to cheer me up), but I didn't get one again this week.

'That is how it goes' the girl said, 'some weeks you get one' ... bit of a pause ... 'and some weeks you don't'.

It is nice to have things explained. 

Then in the car going home, the radio announcer was very excited, saying what a great week it had been ... bonfire night, Obama re-elected and the Kardashians have arrived in the UK.

I must have missed that last one.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

I have been invited to a rather private posh do at the Laughing Donkey.  I have decided which dungarees I am going to wear, but not sure which shoes to wear with them.  Can you advise?  (photographs enclosed).

David Responds

Oh a fashion question, I like these.

Let's have a look at your photographs ...

... fishing them out of the envelope ...

Ah well yes, those aren't really shoes are they dear? 

They are more what we call 'Wellington Boots'. And there are only two pairs to choose from; green ones or black ones.

Which ones you wear depends on the time of your social occasion, if it is a night time do, I would go for the black ones.  If your event is during the day, go for the more casual green ones. 

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Dear David - Soup

Dear David

Was my letter on how to eat soup too hard for you to answer?  It is just that if you don't answer soon it will be cold.

David Responds

Oh dear, I don't seem to have received your first letter.

But thank you for sending me a photograph of you in the restaurant with your soup bowl ...

... Let's have a look ...

oh yes I think I see the problem.

Have a word with your waiter and give him back your knife and fork, ask him for a spoon instead!

Dear David - US election

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician in America, but I have just lost a big election.  I don't know what to do next. Any ideas?

David Responds

Oh dear, you must be disappointed. 

Why not take it as as sign that politics is not for you and go and do something else instead?

Have you ever thought of writing an agony column using your experiences in politics to give advice?  There must be lots of people in America that make millions every year and pay no taxes that need help. 

And what about countries planning to host the Olympics - there must be loads of them wanting unsolicited an uninformed advice.

What ever you do next enjoy, just keep it away from me. 

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Dear David - Wedding ... again

Dear David 

I am so pleased you like my planned wedding outfit, (I will think about the parrots).
I have been planning the music I would like played at my wedding, I have jotted a few thoughts down on the enclosed list.  What do you think?

David Responds

You do seem to have this under control and plans are progressing at quite a pace - well done.

Let's have a look at your musical choices …

… fishing the list out of the envelope

Oh I see, yes those tunes are quite stirring aren't they … and very err … patriotic.

But I'm not sure the Dam Busters theme tune is a great song to go down the aisle to - have you thought of something a bit more romantic? What about a bit of Doris?

Monday, 5 November 2012

Dear David - Wedding

Dear David

I was a bit upset by your lack of enthusiasm when I told you my news about finding the man of my dreams.  I don't think you are very happy for me.

I have enclosed a photograph of my dream wedding outfit, what do you think?


C

David Responds

I am sorry if I have upset you, I didn't mean to, and of course I am delighted that you have managed to find a man that will put up with your many endearing characteristics.

Let's have a look at the photograph ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

... oh err yes that is a very .. what's the word ... floral and voluminous outfit, you will certainly be the centre of attention.

And what's that on your head dear?  It looks like a couple of parrots.

They are very eye catching, but don't you think they might be a little difficult to keep in place on the big day, why not just have the one?

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my leaflet - What to Wear on your Wedding Day - for the Older Person. 

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Dear David - Christmas Present

Dear David

I want to buy a Christmas present for my six year old nephew, but I really don't really know what to get him.  I have thought of a couple of things and put them on the attached list.  I wonder if you could tell me if you think they are a good idea?

David Responds

It is very thoughtful of you to think about this so soon.  I am sue your nephew will love your gift.

Lets have a look at the list ...

... fishes it out of the envelope ...

Oh ... I see,

...do you think your nephew really needs steak knives?

And I'm not so sure about a toaster.

Why not send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my leaflet 'Christmas Gifts for Children'. 

Dear David - Night Out ... again

Dear David

I decided to try the Laughing Donkey again and I just wanted to thank you for your previous advice.  I have met the man of my dreams tonight, what a charmer he is, witty, intelligent and sensitive.  I know he is the one for me. Would you be my person of honour, at our wedding, it seems only right somehow.  I will foot the bill for a new suit, bhs have a sale on.

C

David Responds

I am delighted for you ... it's not that waiter that looks like a mad axe man is it?

I am so pleased you have managed to find someone at long last, I know you have been trying so hard for so many years.

I have to sound a small note of caution, as you have only just met, don't you think it is a little early to be planning a wedding?  Why not wait to see if he calls back first, and then take it from there?

But if you want to buy a new suit for me then that would be lovely, not sure I like the sound of bhs, why don't you just send me the money instead and I will see what I can find?

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Dear David - Coupon

Dear David

I have followed with interest your saga of money off coupons at Sainsbury's over the last few months, it seems to cause you some angst.  Can I suggest you use Waitrose in future.  It's not like you need save the pennies for the gas bill.

C

David Responds

Thank you for your interest, I suppose the coupons do cause me a bit of concern, but I am only trying to keep things right.

As I said to the man in Sainsbury's I didn't think they had thought the offer through, and that really the money off coupons should be valid in Asda, as that is where the food is cheaper (after all, that is why they gave me the coupon in the first place).

But he wasn't having it, he said I had to use the coupon in Sainsbury's and that was an end to it, and he really couldn't discuss it any further as he had to get the trolleys back to the front of the store for the customers.

I do pop into Waitrose now and again but they just keep giving me green plastic counters.

I now have a kitchen drawer full of them but I have no idea what they are for.

Dear David - Coupons

Dear David

I have followed with interest your saga of money off coupons at Sainsbury's over the last few months, it seems to cause you some angst.  Can I suggest you use Waitrose in future.  It's not like you need save the pennies for the gas bill.

C

David Responds

Thank you for your interest, I suppose the coupons do cause me a bit of concern, but I am only trying to keep things right.

As I said to the man in Sainsbury's I didn't think they had thought the offer through, and that really the money off coupons should be valid in Asda, as that is where the food is cheaper (after all, that is why they gave me the coupon in the first place).

But he wasn't having it, he said I had to use the coupon in Sainsbury's and that was an end to it, and he really couldn't discuss it any further as he had to get the trolleys back to the front of the store for the customers.

I do pop into Waitrose now and again but they just keep giving me green plastic counters.

I now have a kitchen drawer full of them but I have no idea what they are for.

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

My usual drinking buddy has ditched me again of a Saturday night.  The last time I asked you for advice for a successful night out in the the Laughing Donkey it frankly didn't really help much and I left early.  This time I wonder if you could come up with a new strategy?

C

David Responds

Oh yes I remember you now, you are the one that wrote to me at the last minute and expected me to conjure up the night out of a lifetime at the drop of a hat.

I would have thought a private table in the Laughing Donkey attended by a personal waiter would have been enough for anyone, but I am sorry you didn't enjoy my suggestion.

Yes, I know the waiter is a bit strange, but if you don't look straight into his eyes he can be most pleasant.  And I think 'he looks like a mad axe man' is a little harsh.

I am not sure I like the sound of your friend, he sounds like a bit of a flake.  Are you sure he hasn't got some bird tucked away somewhere?

Oh I see you have enclosed a photograph of you and your friend, I like these ...

... fishes it out of the envelope ...

... Let's have a look ...

Oh don't you both look smart!  Is that a Christmas party you are at?  Those blankets on your laps do look cosy.

Who are those people around you?  Are they the other residents?

I can see you are a bundle of fun and enjoy a night out so I have had a look in your local newspaper and found these events for tonight that you might be interested in:
  • there is a Pie and Pea supper at the community centre (tickets £2.75 per person incl free raffle ticket entry, start 19:00 prompt), and Deirdre Longhust will host bingo after the supper;
  • the Strolling Players are doing a revival of Blithe Spirit, at the Little Theatre with Marjore Dinsmore (her off of cooked meats in Sainsbury's) playing Madame Arcarti; and
  • Gloria Hawkridge, the mayor's wife is having a musical recital in her front room - where she will canter through some light opera classics (apparently her Cosi Fan Tutte is something to behold).
I am sure you will find something there you will enjoy.

Sainsbury's

Popped into Sainsbury's this morning, and if you have been following the excitement of 'Brand Match' and my money off vouchers, - I got a 70p off next shop again this morning.

That is three times in recent weeks and all for 70p.

I wonder what I am buying at Sainsbury's that is 70p more than at Asda!


Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Simon has been getting another chin; 
  • Tulisa might give up smoking; 
  • Sunita is leaving Corrie; 
  • Aston got half a hair-cut; 
  • One D like listening to all the screaming - they should come in my office, they would pass out with excitement; 
  • Someone left X Factor - ok clever, without looking it up, who was it?; 
  • the jungle thing is getting closer but no news on who is going in - hope it is Victoria; 
  • Max wants his engagement ring back off Michelle - good luck with that one; 
  • Nicole wore a Twitter dress - whatever one of those is; 
  • Sharon wore a funny outfit - it looked like one of the old Queen's - not one belonging to an old Queen, an old outfit belonging to the Queen; 
  • Leonardo isn’t with Erin anymore; 
  • while Ben has been giving out pancakes in New York.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Dear David - USA

Dear David 

I have always wanted to live in the USA but I am not too sure where to live - the East coast seems to have problems with storms and the West coast has a problem with earthquakes. the South around Florida gets tropical storms from time to time and the North has the Canadians.

Can you suggest where it might be good to live in America? 

David Responds

You have to remember that the USA is a very large country, and add to it Canada (which is by square mile, the second biggest country in the world) you are talking about a very large area, so for most people these natural disasters are not something they ever encounter.

But I still have to wonder with all these problems, why you would want to go there!   Still I'm not one to comment on my correspondent's state of mind.

Oh I see you have enclosed a photograph with your letter, I like it when my readers send me photographs.

Fishing it out of the envelope …

… Let's have a look …

… Oh I see, well you probably know the USA is famous for having a large Amish community. 

They live their lives quite happily and mostly undisturbed.  

The communities are a bit confined to certain areas so you might have to live in Ohio or Pennsylvania (although there are large communities elsewhere) which happily don't seem to be affected by the disasters you mention.