Sunday, 30 September 2012

Dear David - Love Lost

Dear David

I wasn't in the Laughing Donkey last night (you might have noticed?) so I had some quiet time to myself where I spent time matching spare socks back together that the sock monster in the washer releases periodically after it has held them captive and the phrase 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' suddenly popped into my mind. 

As I am sitting on the fence on this one after a night of contemplation I wonder what your thoughts are on the subject?

David Responds

Yes I did notice your absence from the Laughing Donkey last night, your usual table was unoccupied and they didn't run out of sherry half way through the night. 

While I applaud your attempts at household management, sorting out your socks is probably something you should do during the day, leaving your evening free to press on with that quilt you are making - Christmas won't be long.

But to your question - this is a simple one to answer, it is always great to get a pair of socks back together again.  To save them separating again, you should place your socks in a silk drawstring bag.  this will keep them together and stop them becoming entangled in the rest of your washing.  Although I have noticed your shoe size before, you might want to use a pillow case.

But I think you were really seeking advice on the love and love lost thing.

Well dear you should really write to Majorie Proops, she tends to do the 'moping about getting on everyone's wick' sort of subjects, whereas I give advice of a more practical nature.

 But reading between the lines, I think you already know the answer to this one ...

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Dear David - BMI:IQ ... again

Dear David

thank you for your reply regarding BMI and IQ, now I understand I will do as you say and remove the offenders from my Christmas card list immediately  Could you tell me what date Christmas falls on thar?

David Responds

Oh dear, I am beginning to think your colleagues might have a point, add them back onto your Christmas card list.  Christmas will fall on 25 December this year.

For future reference, you might like to know that writing in green ink isn't very polite. 

Dear David - BMI:IQ

Dear David

I overheard two colleagues talking about me at work the other day - one of them said 'his bmi is bigger than his IQ'.  I am not too sure what they meant, could you explain?

David Responds

Oh dear, yes unfortunately I think I can explain. 

I did think about not replying to your letter as my response may be a little upsetting, but this is an advice column not social services.

BMI is Body Mass Index, it is a number calculated in relation to your overall body size.  To put it in simple terms, think of a bucket of potatoes, a small bucket of potatoes will have a low BMI and a big bucket of potatoes will have a high number.  There are different values for men and woman but a healthy BMI would be around 20 to 26.

IQ is your Intelligence Quotient, this is a measure of your intelligence based on your response to a set of questions.  An average IQ would be around 90 to 109.

Without going into specifics it would appear that your colleagues think you are thick and fat.

This is intolerable dear correspondent, take immediate and severe action by removing them from your Christmas card list.

Coupon

Bit of excitement at the till in Sainsbury's this morning.

Apparently if I had bought the same things in Asda I would have saved 50p.  So the till lady gave me a coupon for 50p.

I told the lady I don't shop in Asda, but she said it didn't matter I could still have the 50p coupon.

'Do I have to use it in Asda?'

'No' she said, 'you have to use it in Sainsbury's'.

'But isn't it cheaper in Asda?  Would it not make more sense to spend it on reduced price items in the other shop?'

'Well yes might be, but you still have to use it in Sainsbury's'.

I took the coupon, but really I don't think they have thought this through properly.

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Boris (tennis not mayor of) went to Oktoberfest; 
  • Boris didn’t go into a cupboard at Oktoberfest; 
  • Kate wore the wrong dress to the wrong Island - or should that be the right dress to the wrong Island?; 
  • Adrian is going out with Catherine - it is only five minutes since she was supposed to be going out with Jason; 
  • La Gaga has put on a concert for 25 pounds - no I’m sorry I will read that again … La Gaga has put on 25 pounds for her concert; 
  • Nicole said she wasn't kissing Chris, just shouting to be heard above the noise - not sure why she was shouting in his mouth, but whatever; 
  • Carol wore a tight top;
  • Kylie has a new movie out - she isn’t glamorous in it; and 
  • Our Cheryl is back on the X Factor.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Dear David - Magna Carta

Dear David

Where was the Magna Carta signed?

DC

David Responds

At the bottom.

Dear David - Goat

Dear David

The other day I was hoying a wobbler (for our readers not acquainted with the phrase this means losing my temper - Editor) and was shouting 'she really gets my goat'.  I was so ashamed afterwards because I really don't know what the phrase actually means.

Could you tell me its origin and would the phrase 'she should get off her behind (some touchingly authentic Anglo Saxon words replaced - Editor) and do some work' be more appropriate motivational management tool?

David Responds

Oh it is ages since I have been asked to explain the originn of an expression - I like these ones.

Unfortunately no one really knows for certain how this phrase originates, however it is almost certainly American.  The most popular theory is that it relates to horse racing and the practice of putting a goat with a horse prior to a race to calm the horse down. 

Those that wished to interfere with the running of the race would steal the goat and make the horse more skittish and then bet on the horse to lose.

There is little evidence to support the truth of this theory, but little to confirm any other origin.

I think your management style, while direct and clear, is a little unsophisticated.  Perhaps next time you might try a gentler approach with less emotive words, with maybe a bit of sarcasm ... something like ... 'come on Felicity, these customers won't serve themselves, you remember what customers are don't you?'


Loaf

Regular readers will know I like to support independent enterprises where I can.  So I popped into a local bakery for a loaf of bread.

Not a lot of choice at this time in the afternoon but there were a couple of Rye loves I liked the look of.

£2 for a loaf of bread hardly bigger than a bread roll - outrageous.

Still I was committed by then but the man selected the smaller of the two loves to give me.  I was livid

In his haste to pop it into a bag (a nice brown paper one) he dropped the loaf on the floor and had to give me the larger of the two - he was livid!

And if he thinks I don't know that loaf will end up back on the shelf as soon as I was round the corner - well I do!  

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Dear David - Big Bang Theory ... again

Dear David

I hope you were not offended by my suggestion you remind me of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. 

I know that comparisons to celebrities can be somewhat daunting, I myself am regularly compared to a young Pierce Brosnan (picture enclosed).

David Responds

Oh not at all I am quite comfortable with you thinking I resemble a famous person, although addressing your letter to 'Doctor Whackadoodle' is perhaps taking it a little far.

Thank you for enclosing a picture, it is always nice to see what my correspondents look like ...

... just fishing it out of the envelope ...

... oh dear lord, ... are you sure you have been compared to Pierce Brosnan?  Are you sure people haven't just said 'yes, yes of course you look like Pierce Brosnan?, and then patted you on the head?

Dear David - Island Dress

Dear David

I recently wore a traditional Cook Islands outfit to an engagement in the Solomon Islands.  I feel embarrassed, what should I do.

K

David Responds

Don't worry about it pet, it could happen to anyone.


Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Dear David - Big Bang Theory ... again

Dear David

I saw your response to my letter about the Big Bang Theory, did you know which character I meant?

David Responds

Yes I did.  There is nothing wrong about insisting all things are correct and in their appropriate place.

If there was a bit more putting things back where they belong in the world, there would be a lot less bother!

Dear David - Big Bang Theory

Dear David

A friend of mine recommended the US comedy series the Big Bang Theory and I am catching up on the re-runs.  it strikes me you remind me of one of the central characters. Has anyone else ever made this comparison?

David Responds

Yes, everyone.

Dear David - Christmas ... begins

Dear David

With all this sudden autumnal weather, I feel like planning for Christmas.  Is it too soon?

David Responds

Ah yes, Christmas preparations get sooner every year, but it is never too soon to plan for some parts of it.

If there is anything you don't want to do, now is a good time to start preparing the way, by dropping hints that you will not be available for a particular engagement.

If your immediate thought is 'oh now I should start planning to get out of going to great aunt Lettice's over Christmas' - that is a mistake.

Visiting you great aunt Lettice is one of the highlights of Christmas.

You may be alarmed at the prospect of a stroll down years gone by without access to a television set, but you will have a cup of tea (that you have not had to make yourself) served from a teapot and in a china teacup and saucer.  You will also have a free slice of Christmas cake on a matching tea plate.

After forty five minutes of chatting you great aunt will fall asleep, making this a short visit and giving you the rest of the afternoon free to do as you will.

There is the additional bonus of being able to play the 'have to go visit great aunt' card during the festive season to get you out of a visit elsewhere.

Dear David - Extradited

Dear David

I have recently been extradited from the UK.  Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes - don't go through the metal detector ...

... oh and, don't come back.


Monday, 24 September 2012

Dear David - Pauline

Dear David

I saw you mention the one that looks like Miss Pauline Fowler in a recent reply to a letter, I haven't seen her for years.  What happened to her?

Miss P

David Responds

Strictly speaking your letter isn't seeking advice, it is more like gossip, and I am not normally one for gossip, but since you ask.

She left the laundrette under a bit of a cloud, actually she was sacked for running a 'Quick Stitch' business out the back, using her nan's old treadle singer sewing machine.

She fled to Gran Canaria (pron Can_ar_i_a)  and last I heard she was doing a drag act at some ratty bar just outside the Yumbo centre.

Dear David - Plebeian lyrics

Dear David

Are there any songs that use the word 'plebeian' in the lyrics?

David Responds

Cry me a River is the only one I can think of

have a go at listening to Dinah sing it

History of the World

Exciting new TV documentary from the BBC (and Andrew Marr) about the History of The World.  Promising lots of things we never new from the history of the world.  Can't wait.

Oh ... it only has three episodes ...

... oh, it's on opposite Downton ...

oh well, maybe another time.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Dear David - Video

Dear David

I recently made a video to say sorry for something.  Now everyone is making fun of me.  Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, I have seen the video - get a decent moisturiser for your neck get rid of some of those creases.

Dear David - Bicycle

Dear David

I had a bit of bother the other day with a policeman when I was riding my bicycle into work.  Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes - get the bus.

Bagels ... again

Excitement in Sainsbury's this morning.

They are now selling branded bagels.  I didn't know which ones not to buy.

Should I not buy the new line or should I stick to not buying Sainsbury's own?  In the end I decided to not buy the own brand.

Oh and commiserations to the lady on the till - she was full of cold, coughing and sneezing everywhere.

My purchases are now in a deep steam clean in the kitchen.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • the Daily Mail had lots of excuses for re-running pictures of Diana so they could sell more papers;
  • David is thinking of buying Bond’s Aston Martin; 
  • the Daily Mail accused the French press of intrusive and tasteless journalism - yes really; 
  • Nick got married; 
  • Philip casually asked the Queen if they ever had any foreign magazines delivered; 
  • Robbie had a baby; 
  • Alex want to get back with Chantelle (pron Shan_t_well); 
  • Monica is writing a book - I thought we went through all that years ago; 
  • Elizabeth walked on a carpet; 
  • Shane walked on a carpet as well - it is a Hollywood thing; 
  • John needs to do something with that hair - like stop dying it;and
  • Helen is going into I'm a Celebrity;

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Dear David - Cookery

Dear David

I am hooked on these reality TV cook shows like the Great British Bake Off with Mary Berry and Australian MasterChef.  So much so that I have started to cook more and more at home, with some measure of success.  My fairy cakes are delicious, however by pure fluke I stumbled on the most delicious main course - chicken and mushroom pizza with brown 'chop' sauce (I didn't have any tomato sauce in the fridge). I discovered the dish at 2am one morning after I had been having a sherry in the Laughing Donkey, do you think at 35 I'm too old to pursue my culinary dream of a career in high class cuisine?

ps I'll pop a cake in my pocket for the next time I see you, yum yum.

David Responds

Oh yes these programmes have become very popular, I have had a number of letters on this subject and even one of my regular, (lets just call her a bit elderly), correspondents has been inspired to take up cookery.

At over 35 (well over! - thank you for the enclosed photo) you are probably leaving it a little late to start a new career in the competitive world of high class cuisine, but bravo for having a go.

I do worry a little about what you call 'high class cuisine' because as far as I know 'The Ivy' doesn't serve pizza, and if it did I doubt it would come with sauce - red or brown.  Also I'm not sure I know what brown 'chop' sauce is, but I don't like the sound if it - sounds like something from the war.

Trusting your career to luck is a little risky, and I suspect your example was more down to the effects of 10 pints of lager rather than a glass of sherry.

You need a more practical plan to take your new found interest forward.  Send away for the Be-Ro cookbook and start with some good wholesome basics.

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope for my leaflet 'How to be the New Mary Berry'

It is very thoughtful of you to bring me a cake in your pocket, but really, there is no need (the Laughing donkey doesn't encourage you to bring your own food).  If you feel you must, could you pop it into a small plastic seal-able container. 

Dear David - Party ... again

Dear David

Thank you for your response about going to a party, but I wondered how I would know the age of ladies at the party.  Should I just ask the lady I think is the oldest how old she is?

David Responds

Err no, I don't think that is such a good idea.

I've generally don't find it difficult to work out who is the oldest lady at a party - although I have to admit it is a little harder now that the one that looks like Miss Pauline Fowler is living in Gran Canaria (pron Can_ar_i_a) and what with Miss Beverly Hills already living there, there aren't the party girls in attendance that there used to be.

But I have a tip you might like to try.

Identify your target (guest of honour) and get her into friendly conversation about popular music.  Try to find out which 'oldies' she likes best.

Most people think the popular music around when they were in their mid 20s is the best there ever was.  So if someone likes 80s music they were probably born in the 60s.

Remember, this is just a general guideline, don't get your Guinness book of pop music out to look up the tunes she mentions.

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope and I will send you my leaflet 'How To Tell a Lady's Age at a Party'.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Dear David - Party

Dear David

I have been invited to a party, but I don't get invited to many so I am a bit worried about it.  There are so many things to consider, but my main worry is about when to leave.

How will I know when it is the right time to go home?

David Responds

Oh yes a party can be great fun, but as you rightly say there are a lot of things to think about. 

Knowing when to leave a party can be tricky and your host will be grateful to you if you get it right.

Most parties have a guest of honour - usually the oldest lady present.  It is extremely rude to leave a party before the guest of honour, so work out who it is when you arrive and watch her like a hawk.

As soon as you see her reach for her gloves and handbag, start to think about making your own preparations to leave.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Mitt Romney ...

“It’s hard to know just how well (the 2012 London Olympics) will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting”  … Mitt Romney

“It’s hard to know just how well (the Romney bid for the White House) will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting“.  … Dear David

Dear David - Plastic Surgery

Dear David

I have been watching with fascination an evening with Barry Manilow, and I am thinking he might have had some work done (and I don't mean a new wall built).  The thing is, now that I have hit 35 I'm wondering if I should consider some 'work'.  What do you think about plastic surgery?  Is it ever acceptable? I don't want to look like Joan Rivers, but I can't help thinking of her quote 'there is no point an old face getting out of a new car'.

Name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Sounds like you have had an entertaining musical evening and understand how your thoughts might turn to plastic surgery.

Although I have had none myself, I think the occasional bit of surgery is fine, we need all need a little help from time to time.

Thank you for your enclosed photograph, I can see why you might be thinking of surgery (has anyone told you, you have a look of Dorothy Squires?) but much depends on your available budget. When you have say you have 'hit 35' I assume you mean that was some time ago?

With limited funds, you might not be able to do all the necessary work, (Rome wasn't built in a day) so think about prioritising.

Maybe tackle those bags under your eyes first and see if they can do something about those tram tracks (I think we have to stop calling them ‘laugh lines’) and leave the heavy construction work until you have a little more money in the bank.

Why not ask friends a family to chip into your construction fund rather than buying Christmas presents for a few years?  But beware of charlatans, don't be tempted by special offers, or such things as 'buy one get one free'.
I am not sure I understand that comment from Joan Rivers - but it is sure to be smutty.  Don't let that old ratbag be your role model.

Think about it carefully and I am sure you will have great results that will last and last.

Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope and I will send you my leaflet - 'How to get great results from Plastic Surgery'.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Dear David - Tepidarium ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter about tepidariums, they sound quite exotic, I think I might like to keep one.  Can you tell me a bit more about them?

Ethel

David Responds

Ethel love, we had all this out when you wanted to take up dressage, the fourth floor of a multistory is no place to keep a horse, and I doubt it would be much better for a tepidarium.  It would be cruel.

Dear David - Tepidarium

Dear David

I am thinking of getting a tepidarium.  What do you think?

David responds

As long as you have plenty of outdoor space for exercise, it should be a welcome and worthwhile addition to your family.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Christmas

Christmas has arrived at Sainsbury's.

The shelves are full of Christmas sweets, tins of Christmas biscuits with snow covered trees, (the tins, not the biscuits), Christmas cakes and puddings.  With mince pies half price, (get them quick before they go) ...

... I can feel depression descending as we speak ...

Morning

And it is a cheery good morning to the white van man that was tooting and gesturing to me at 07:30 today because I was driving at 29 miles an hour in a 30 zone.   I did wave back slightly as he over took me at speed on a blind corner, but he didn't wave back.

Oh and he might want to check the post for the next week or so, as that particular road has some very active speed cameras on it. 

Friday, 14 September 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Posh smiled - at least that is what is says here; 
  • Andy was very excited about wining something or other in America - he said - yeah it was alright I suppose; 
  • the next time Kelvin feels like giving us the benefit of his opinion on, well anything, he can keep his big fat trap shut; 
  • Dannii fell over; 
  • Hilary wore some glasses; 
  • Sheryl showed her arms; while 
  • Kate covered hers up; 
  • Strictly is gearing up for another run - I’m sure some of them on it have been on it before - and how come Denise is on it?; 
  • Pixie wore some shorts; and S
  • haron wore an old jumper that looked like a sack of potatoes; 
  • Derren decided he probably wouldn't leave blank signed cheques on top of the telly when he goes on holiday in future: 
  • Geordie Joe has some new tunes out - well I say 'new', new to him; 
  • Angelina visited some Syrian refugees in Turkey - I would have thought they had suffered enough; 
  • is beginning to wonder if any of our royal family can keep their clothes on; 
  • while Dermot got married.

Dear David - Kate

Dear David

In all my many years I have never been so outraged as I am over the French publishing pictures of Kate with her melons out.  How dare they.  I was going to send Kate a card to tell her to keep her chin up, it will help deportment in future pictures of this nature) and send a token gift, do you think a factor 50 sun cream is insensitive in the circumstances?

Also one must ask the question who is advising the Royals these days.  You would never have caught Princess Anne with her puppies out would you?

David Responds

I find this letter a little risqué. I am more used to questions on doilies and fashion tips than issues of this nature.  Perhaps you would have been better writing to the Sunday Sport?

But since you write ...

I too am a bit cross with the French for publishing these pictures, but then I suppose I wouldn't put anything past the French.

Your thoughtful card and gift sound a great idea, I am sure Kate will find them most welcome.  But in the circumstances, perhaps after sun might be more useful than sun cream?

I think Kate should be able to have a couple of hours on a sun lounger without the whole world knowing the details, but it is perhaps a little naive of Kate to think there wouldn't be someone out there waiting to take pictures to sell to some rotten French magazine.

Times have changed and we all have cameras now.  Pictures of the Royals in unusual situations sell for ever more large amounts, I would have thought the Royals were all to painfully aware of that by now.

As for Anne, I'm not sure she much went in for sun bathing when she was young, she always seemed happier mucking out a stable.






Thursday, 13 September 2012

Dear David - In the Office

Dear David

I wonder if you could suggest a course of action to help me remedy a work problem.  We have a new female working for us, she is a bit of a cougar and career minded and although new to our office has worked for the organisation for a long time and has a bit of a reputation for getting what she wants.

Now you know I'm not remotely status conscious but I am chief bitch around hear and I haven't reached the age of 35 to be knocked down a few rungs by a tart in kitten heels.  What started off as office politics is starting to escalate, recently I mentioned in passing conversation that certain perfumes trigger my migraines, the savvy so and so must have overheard as she is now bathing in cheap designer trash and I am sure it is deliberate.  The other day I caught her spraying it in the air like air freshener in the staff room and when I walked in she made an excuse when was trying to cover the smell of chips and gravy that one of the girls had had at lunch time.  Can you advise?

Anon

David Responds

Oh dear this is quite a letter.  Office politics isn't really my field, I am more used to advising which napkins to use at a dinner party, but I will try and help.

Having a new person join your team can often be difficult.  Old hierarchies and friendships can be tested when a newcomer enters the equation.  You will have to give your new colleague time to settle in and see where she fits.

Having her reputation precede her only makes it more difficult for this lady. You don't say whether you are male or female (sorry but your enclosed photograph isn't a great help), try not to feel threatened or label her as a 'cougar', even if she is one, until you have a little more evidence to go on. Remember, just because this lady doesn't wear a ratty old cardigan everyday (no offense) - it doesn't make her a cougar.

I think you are feeling threatened by this new lady and looking for anything to knock her down, ask yourself, was there a smell of chips and gravy in your staff room?  This lady might have just been trying to make the atmosphere more pleasant, and maybe she didn't hear your earlier conversation about your migraines? 

You don't say which perfume she uses but if it is something like Tweed (by Lentheric) or Babe (by Faberge) then perhaps you should try and get her to use something a little more sophisticated.  Try and find out when her birthday is, if it is soon, it could be an ideal time to buy her something new.

Give her time to settle in, and if she is still a bother in a couple of months time, write to me again.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Wall ... again

Him next door (not him next door married to her next door, him next door the other way) was at our wall again tonight.  To be fair he is doing other things outside as well, and he is in a hurry because he wants it all done before he goes on holiday on Saturday.

But I've had a closer look at our York stone, I think the York stone is more over his side than it is on my side. 

I think I want it moved, but I don't think he looks in the mood to move it all, so I might wait until he is in Gran Canaria and move it myself.  (That reminds me, I saw the one that looks like the one off of the Bash Street Kids at the weekend - not the one that went to Gran Canaria suddenly after, well let's just call it 'an incident' - the other one)

How long does it take for cement to set? 

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Wall ... again

Home tonight and him next door, (not him next door that is married to her next door, him next door the other way that is married to the one I called Pauline on their Christmas card last year when she is called Yvonne and she didn't speak to him next door for a fortnight because she thought I had let slip he was having an affair), was at our wall again.

He was a bit scathing about my comment that I thought the wall wasn't as high as it used to be because he says anyone could see he hadn't finished. 

We are now getting a York stone top.  I don't remember agreeing to stumping up for York stone.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Dear David - Part-Time Job

Dear David

I have been thinking of taking up a part-time job to supplement my income.  I was thinking about becoming a drag queen at the weekends, they seem to let anyone do it these days and I have better legs than the one that does the turn in the Laughing Donkey of a Saturday night.

I realise that now I have hit 35 my figure isn't what it should be but with a corset and the right heels I'm a sure I could pull it off.

Do you have any advice for me?

(name and address withheld Editor)

David Responds

What a sensible idea.  What with all the economic troubles we are all feeling the pinch, so a little extra income would be welcome to all of us.

I notice you say you are 35, but if you are anything like the one that can't crack open a hard boiled egg, you are probably knocking on a bit more than you are letting on.

Still I am sure with the right outfits you can cut a bit of a dash on the on the musical stage.

As you hint in your letter, drag queens aren't what they used to be.  These days you are lucky if you get a Shirley Bassey or a Judy Garland.  They seem to have given up totally on Barbra and Julie with even a Liza being a bit of a stretch. The one in the Laughing Donkey seems to just play records and go outside for the occassional tab.

Building up a repertoire of tunes should be fairly straight forward, as long as you can mine the words to Goldfinger and I Will Survive you have probably got the basis of an act.

But first, decide if you want to have an element of 'comedy' in your act.  This broadens the types of songs you can perform, but I would advise against it if you can.  The 'comedy routines' are well worn and not funny.  If you can, go for something a bit more sophisticated than comedy singing nuns.

Once you have your act sorted, you need to decide on your outfits (I think the theatrical term is 'costume').  Take an honest inventory of your body.  Decide what are your best features and which bits need a bit of help.

I leave you to decide on what your outfits should be, but (thank you for the enclosed picture) I would suggest something long and flowing and perhaps a little less revealing than the standard fare in this genre. For example, you might want to have a go at that hairy chest and back.

A corset might be a good idea, I am not sure if Harland and Wolff are still in business, but they might run up a custom made one for you.

All in all I think you could be onto a winner here, and if you don't do it now, it is something you could keep in mind for when you retire - a great way to supplement your pension.  After all it works for the one in the Bag of Spanners.

Dear David - Parade

Dear David

I have heard there is going to be a street parade of all our Olympians and Paralympians from the games. 

I really enjoyed all of the coverage and I am going to spend all my pension money on a trip to be part of it.

Can you tell me when the parade is going to be?

Ethel


David Responds

Ethel love, it was today, you have missed it.

Wall ... again

Him next door (not him next door married to her next door, him next door the other way) spent all day Saturday re-building our wall.  It was very hot on Saturday and after watching him for 12 hours he looked exhausted.

The wall looks very nice, but I don't think it is as high as it was, I think it needs another row along the top, must mention it when I see him.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Dear David - Boiled Egg

Dear David

I wonder if you could help me with a matter of etiquette?  When preparing to eat a boiled egg, should one slice the top off or tap the shell with the back of a spoon to dislodge it?

You would think now I'm 35 I would know the answer, but I was dragged up.

Anon

ps a quick answer would be appreciated or else it's going to get cold.

David Responds

Thank you for your letter and the enclosed photograph.  I see you say you are 35, you look older.

You sound common as muck if you have reached (allegedly) 35 without knowing how to eat an egg, but I am not one to judge, so ...

Soft-boiled eggs are often served in an eggcup made with a wide rim and a bowl that is narrow at the bottom.
  • Place the egg's most pointed end in the cup (to fit the shape of the egg cup)
  • Crack the shell with a knife in a horizontal movement, all the way around the egg.
  • Use the tip of the knife to lift the shell from the egg and place it on the side of the plate.
The exposed part of the egg is relatively flat, so a dab of butter can be placed on it, the butter melts and flows over the egg.

Make a mound of salt and pepper on the side of the plate.

Use a small spoon, such as an after-dinner coffee spoon, to scoop a bite of egg from the shell and dip into the seasonings. Alternatively, you might like to sprinkle a pinch of salt or pepper over each bite by hand.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Skip

Him next door (not him next door that is married to her next door - him next door the other way), has had a skip delivered this morning and has been chucking bricks in it since it arrived. 

I don't know why he can't place them in neatly and quietly.

Now we don't have a dividing wall - I'm going out.

Bagels ... again

Bit of a disappointment with bagels at Sainsbury's today.

I have decided I don't like them, so I wasn't going to buy their cinnamon and raisin bagels. 

But when I got to the bread aisle, they didn't have any, they had multi-grain bagels, but not the cinnamon and raisin ones. 

I didn't want to not buy the mulit-grain bagels I wanted to not buy the cinnamon and raisin ones.

Why is my life so complicated!

Friday, 7 September 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Our Cheryl wore some leather trousers; while 
  • Victoria wore a track suit; 
  • Nicholas forgot to return his DVD of Judy Garland ‘A Star is Born’ and had to pay a fine; 
  • Kym got married; 
  • David was trying to decide if he was a man or a mouse; 
  • after Chanelle split up last week, now Chantelle has split with Alex - this is very confusing; 
  • the Queen went to the Highland Games - thanks to an article from ‘Dear David events promotion‘; 
  • Alex got himself into a bit of bother; 
  • Rihanna had a hair cut; while 
  • Miley and Pink had the same hair-cut; 
  • Harry is back in Afghanistan where, he says, he feels most comfortable - he looked fairly comfortable in Vegas; 
  • David was a bit cross with Boris; 
  • Trannie and Susannah are doing Strictly - well one of them is; 
  • Denise was looking a bit like the Orange one; and 
  • George is singing again.

Dear David - Back to Work

Dear David

I have been off work for two weeks, I don't want to go back on Monday.

David Responds

Well you have to.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Dear David - Comment

Dear David

Today someone at work said I wasn't very butch because I bought my friend a cup of coffee.  I don't know what he meant by it?

David Responds

No, neither do I.

Dear David - Volunteer

Dear David

I volunteered to do a quick '5 minute task' at work, but it has turned into a right nightmare now I wish I had never become involved.  Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, there is no such thing as a '5 minute task' at work.  Never volunteer for anything, nitwit!


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Penshaw Monument

If you are looking for something to do this weekend why not pop along to Penshaw for the 'National Trust Penshaw Monument Tours to the Top'.

You might remember last year this event was swamped when a couple of pensioners turned up unexpectedly for the tour and they had to try and get the man to conduct several tours of this world famous landmark.

In the event, they couldn't cope with the rush of visitors and had to close the tour.   

Learning the lesson this year they are running the tour every weekend in September. 

If you have nothing better to spend £5 on, tours start at 10:00 on Saturday 8 September 2012


This event is brought to your attention by Dear David Event Promotion

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Dear David - Sleeve Tattoo

Dear David

I want to have a sleeve tattoo, but they are quite expensive.  Do you have any ideas for a cheaper option?

David Responds

I have to be honest and say I had to look up 'sleeve tattoo' on the Internet machine.  I am making the assumption that you want a fabric 'sleeve tattoo' you can wear as and when you wish, but without the permanent markings of the real thing?

If so, then try this tip you can easily make at home.

Ask a lady friend (I don't mean a 'lady friend' just a friend that is a lady) if she has any old evening gloves she no longer wants. 

Using some chalk draw a design on the gloves (you might want to do just one glove)

Using a pair of scissors cut out bits of your design, leaving your main images in place and giving a 'lace like look' to the glove or gloves.  You might also want to cut the fingers off.


You can now wear your home made sleeve tattoo and it will have cost you next to nothing!

Monday, 3 September 2012

Zapcats ... again

As founder and manager of Dear David events promotion I went along to the Zap cat event on the Tyne yesterday. 

 It was dead boring.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Dear David - Apostrophe

Dear David

I’m getting very confused these days - maybe it is because I have hit 35, but recently the apostrophe has had me all of a dither, are ‘we’ as a society still using it, or has it been ditched - could you clarify its relevance and the rules?

Many thanks - yours Confused.

David Responds

Oh dear the question of the apostrophe. 

It is a little worrying that you have been confused about this for over 10 years, so I will try to help.

There are two views about the apostrophe, either; as long as meaning is conveyed and correctly understood then exactly how the apostrophe is used is not important.  The other view is that rules are there to be obeyed and apostrophe use must be correct at all times. 

I very much take the second view.  Grammar rules are there for a reason and need to be followed exactly as designed, otherwise what is the point?

After all, the equation is E = MC2  not E is more or less equal to MC2  depending on what you feel like at the time.

I have spent many a happy afternoon tapping on shop windows pointing out to shop staff that there is an apostrophe missing from their shop window sign and discussing with waiters that an accompaniment of a portion of peas with a meal is more than adequate and an apostrophe with the peas is not required.  

Unfortunately my efforts don’t seem appreciated and am often met with uncomprehending expressions.

Still no one said that re-ordering the universe to operate correctly would be easy.

I can’t go into the correct usage of the apostrophe here - it would take too long, but send me a stamped self-addressed (correctly) envelope and I will pop some instructions in the post for you.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Dear David - TV

Dear David

I see Dallas is back and I can't abide that programme it's like watching carthorses on ice much prefer strictly dancing apart from I can't stand Bruce and have to hit the mute button when he begins his jokes. Is it an age thing when you find yourself shouting at the telly?

David Responds

Yes well calling Dallas isn't the surest way of getting a reply to your letter, but you do raise an interesting question.

In the olden days people used to watch the tv as a family together.  This was because there was only one tv in the house and nothing else to do.

As a result it was quite usual for people to shout out at the tv when they saw something the liked (or disliked), communicating your views to the rest of the family.  So I think your practice of shouting at the tv goes back to those days.


Time has moved on and youngsters today would probably think you quite mad if you suggested the whole family sits down for the evening together and watch tv as a shared event.


There are advantages to solo watching, it has brought an end to others talking over the dialogue so you miss what has just been said, and those annoying comments like - 'oh that's her that was in Coronation street, but died in the fire when her oven blew up'.


On the other hand, that silly old fool deserves as much shouting at as is possible.

Whitley Bay Film Festival

You have just got time to get along to the Whitley Bay International film festival.

Not sure how they manage it as Whitley Bay hasn't got any cinemas' still, I'm sure they know what they are doing.

For more information

Brought to you by Dear David events promotion

Zapcats

A bit of Zapcat (if you don't know what zapcats are look them up on line) Grand Prix excitement on the Tyne.

Races will run from the Tyne bridge to the Millennium bridge on Saturday and Sunday this weekend. 

It's free and should fill in a few hours.  The publicity says it is on until !8:00, well it's not it finishes at 15:00 so get along early.

For more information

Brought to you by Dear David events promotions

Have to say this new feature with all its going around doing things is quite tiring.

Highland Games

If you are still suffering withdrawal symptoms from the end of the Olympic games, why not get involved with the Highland Games which start today.

I have never been myself, but understand there are all sorts of events to keep you interested, like:
  • throwing a tree;
  • pulling a rope;
  • throwing a stone (a heavy stone); 
  • throwing a stone with a handle;
  • throwing a hammer;
  • throwing some straw with a pitchfork;
  • throwing a stone over a heavy bar
and lots more. 

There is a lot of throwing things around so I would stand back a bit, and it is in Scotland so I would take a cardigan because the afternoons can draw in a bit.

Bit it looks like lots of fun so why not give it ago.

Brought to you by Dear David events promotion