Friday, 31 August 2012

Dear David - Dallas

Dear David

Thank you for your refresher about Dallas and its Characters, but you forgot to mention Crystal Carrington that used to bitch slap her played by Joan Collins - Alexis I think she was called, oh and what about Knots Landing are they bringing that back? Wasn't Ronald Regan's wife Jane Wyman in charge of the winery or am I getting my soaps mixed up? Could you investigate further? Didn't someone have a pet lion ...

David Responds

Oh dear, I think you are getting a bit carried away with the imminent return of Dallas.

Just a couple of things ... we didn't really like Crystal Carrington (and anyway they were in Dynasty pronounced Dye_na_stee not Dallas), so it was always better when she got a slap off Alexis (our Joan) or they rolled around in mud and Alexis pulled Crystal's wig off ... but I digress.

Knots Landing was bit down market from Dallas and Dynasty, I think it was more 'Daytime Soap' than the proper ones that were on in the evening.

And Ronald's first wife Jane Wyman was in Falcon Crest (with the lovely Lorenzo Lamas) not Knot's Landing.

And there was no lion ... unless you are thinking of Daktari, but that was Africa and in the 60s - and it wasn't very glamorous.

For information the proper order for the drama series were

Dallas - Dynasty (I can't say which is better, I've tried I really have, but I just can't)
The Colbys
Falcon Crest
Knots Landing
Santa Barbara
Flamingo Road

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Joan was at a party in St Tropez; 
  • Chanelle chucked Jack - Chanelle, not Chantelle - she is someone different; 
  • Andrew said he was packing in cricket; 
  • Rihanna wore a hat and a dress; 
  • Rihanna's fashion show isn't doing so well - no kidding; 
  • Our Cheryl and Will.u.not had a bit of an accident; 
  • Lindsay forgot to pay her £46,000 hotel bill - it is easily done; 
  • Kate and William wore matching red trainers; 
  • Ferne wore a coat and carried an umbrella; 
  • Fergie went shopping gin shorts and t-shirt - Black Eyed Beans Fergie not Duchess of; 
  • Rita was on X Factor - but no one is really sure who she is; and
  • Someone left the Celebrity Big Brother house - well I assume someone left it, they must have done.

Hadrian's Wall - Urgent Update

Last minute date for your diary.

As part of London 2012 there is an event tonight (Friday 31 August 2012) at Hadrian's Wall.

They are going to put lights in 400 balloons and let them go.  It doesn't say the lights aren't candles, but I am assuming not.

In case you don't know where Hadrian's wall is - it is in the middle of nowhere, between England and Scotland.  After being set free, the balloons will drift out in the cold in the middle of the night.

So if you want fun filled evening, get yourself along to somewhere along the 70 mile length of the Wall.

More Information

Urgent Update

this event is not to be confused with the celebrations of 100 years of the Blackpool Lights - that event is going on a few miles down the road and has a few more lights.

Brought to you by Dear David events promotion

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Dear David - Dallas

Dear David

I have seen that Dallas is coming back, but I am too young to remember the original series so can you tell me what happened?

David Responds

Not really lovey it was on for years - loads happened.

The best I can do is tell you a bit about the characters

Sue Ellen Ewing - was the best one, she was glamorous and wore nice clothes.  She would flutter her eye lashes and could talk without moving her lips (no she wasn't a ventriloquist)

JR Ewing is Sue Ellen's husband and was the main one in the show.  He was supposed to be nasty but everyone liked him although he did tend to get shot quite a lot

Bobby Ewing is JR's younger brother, he is supposed to be nice but he is a bit wet.

Pam Ewing (nee Barnes) is Bobby's wife, but JR hates her because she is the sister of Cliff Barnes.

Cliff Barnes is JR's arch enemy, (a bit like the one I used to work with that has the scrawny neck and the rats tail hair that needs a good conditioner)

Miss Ellie was the mother, she was a bit like the Queen Mother and wafted in and out wearing floaty dresses.

Ray and Donna were dead boring, Ray was half brother to JR and Bobby, he spent most of his time riding up and down on a horse.

The two main events of the year are the Oil Baron's Ball where everyone gets dressed up and has a few drinks, and the Ewing barbecue where everyone eats hotdogs and wears jeans, check shirts and stetson hats.

It is very good.

Interview - Prince Henry of Wales

After the success of my interviews with the Queen to mark the Diamond Jubilee, I have just been given and an interview with Prince Henry of Wales. What on earth will I talk to him about …

‘Hello’

‘Hello’

‘How are you?’

‘I am very well’

‘Have you had a nice year?’

‘Yes’

‘Have you been busy?’

‘Yes’

‘Have you been on holiday?’

‘Yes’

‘Did you go anywhere nice?’

‘Yes’

‘Where did you go?’

‘Vegas’

‘Oh nice, was it hot?’

‘Yes’

‘Did you meet any nice people?’

‘One or two’

‘Did you get any nice photographs?’

‘Are you trying to be funny?’

‘No, I just wondered if you had any nice pictures of your holiday’

‘Well I haven’t’

‘Oh, are they still in Boots?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well sometimes it takes ages for Boots to do your photos, especially if they have a two for one offer on’

‘I don’t take my pictures to Boots?’

‘Happy Snaps?’

‘No’

‘Well who does your photos?’

‘No one, I have digital ones’

‘ooh that’s nice, do you like digital photographs?’

‘Not any more’

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Dear David - Lion ... again

Dear David

I know I was a bit worried when that lion was on the loose in Clacton-on-sea, but now it has been captured, I sort of miss it.  Do you know where I can go and see some other lions?

Ethel


David Responds

Actually Ethel love, I don't think the lion was captured, I don't think there ever was a lion to capture. 

I have had a quick scan through Yellow Pages in your area and I am sorry but I don't think there are any lions near where you live.

I can see how you miss this feline visitor so I have sent you a couple of socks and an old cushion so you can make your own soft toy lion.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Dear David - Lion ... again

Dear David

Is it safe to go out now?

Ethel

David Responds

Yes

Dear David - Come Dine With Me

Dear David

I have recently been successful in my application to go on the tv show ‘Come Dine With Me’. I wonder if you have any menu advice or general guidance on how to carry off a successful night - couple of potential problems that jump to mind are 1) I can’t cook,  even the dog wont eat the leftovers and 2) generally I don’t like people.  The last person who visited was the meter man. Please try not to judge me too harshly, I just want to be on tv and Stars In Their Eyes turned me down.

David Responds

Oh dear this is a bit of a challenge.  Let’s take it a bit at a time.

It seems your over riding wish is to be on tv, I suspect you apply to every show on tv and Come Dine With Me was just the first show to offer you the opportunity. 

Going on a cooking show when you can’t cook is a recipe for disaster, so I suggest you stick to simple dishes, perhaps a salad starter, fish and chips and maybe a yoghurt for pudding.  I am sure even your limited cooking repertoire could cope with such a simple menu.  Or what about bagels?  I have three and a half cinnamon and raisin bagels I could let you have at a discount.

Not liking people in your house is a bit of a drawback for a programme where you invite people around, but why not suggest a twist to the show’s producers?  You could suggest your show is done by video link.  You could present your food while the other contestants stayed at home.  This would let you take full control and you could have the whole thing over in half an hour.

But I have to say, dear reader, that Come Dine With Me does not seem to be the show for you, have you tried Cash in the Attic or Jeremy Kyle?

Monday, 27 August 2012

Dear David - Lion ... again

Dear David


I  haven't got a linen chest.


Ethel


David Responds


Yes you have. Don't you remember? 

The last time I was at yours we agreed that we would call the big cardboard box you keep your dirty washing in a 'linen chest'.

Dear David - Lion ... again

Dear David

You don't seem to be taking my concerns about an escaped lion very seriously, I am very worried.

Ethel

David Responds

Ethel love, you live on the fourth floor of a multistory, so even if said lion could travel 200 miles unnoticed on a train, it is unlikely to be able to find you on the fourth floor.

Even if the lion could reach the lift call button (which I doubt) that lift of yours is never working anyway.

But if you are still worried, lock yourself in and push your linen chest up against you front door, you should ok for a few days while the authorities recapture the lion.



Dear David - lion

Dear David

I have read in the news a lion is on the loose in Essex.  I am very worried, what should I do if it attacks me?

Ethel

David Responds

Ethel love you live 200 miles from Essex, so unless the lion can get a train out of Clacton-on-sea I think you are quite safe.

But for others, if you do come across a lion while out shopping, a sharp tap on the nose (the lion's nose not your own) will send it on its way.

This also works for tigers and bears.

Friday, 24 August 2012

Dear David - Hoodie ... again

Dear David

I would like to complain about your tardiness with regard to a reply to my last letter. I am currently on a train and on arrival at my destination I will be 35 and wearing a hoodie and you still haven't told me if it is acceptable. If you could reply in the next two hours it would be appreciated as there is an opportunity for me to pinch something suitable as I am in first class.

David Responds 

I think I have missed your two hour deadline for offering a reply but I have been a bit busy.

I am not sure being in first class on a train was much of an opportunity to get a new outfit - whenever I have been in first class it is full of middle aged business men in cheap suits that fit where they touch.

I like to think my readers have a little more style than picking up a second hand C&A jacket off a luggage rack and recycling it as a future outfit.

But to get back to your dilemma - whether at 35 (let's go with that) you are too old to wear a hoodie.

The short answer is yes you are - the longer answer is that hoodies are not really suitable for a gentleman about town.  

Write to me privately (with a stamped self addressed envelope) and I will send you some brochures of some nice clothes.   

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Brad and Angelina might be getting married - I’m getting fed up with this, either get married or don’t bother; 
  • Beyonce wore a white dress - It so is news, it was on the front page of the paper; 
  • Harry wishes he had said 'no phones'; 
  • Rihanna wore some funny shoes; 
  • Jaime wore an orange dress - that is so last year pet; 
  • Miss Diane is joining Coronation Street; 
  • Jerry is heading for Strictly; and 
  • Darcy is going to be a judge - how exciting; 
  • David had some photos taken for his new fragrance; 
  • Debra wore a metallic dress - now if she had been in Cannes that would have been funny; 
  • Chantelle said she hadn’t split from Alex - I’ve lost track, I thought they split ages ago?, I‘m sure it was when she was thinking of a new money deal with Hello on ‘My life of Hell with Alex‘ and just before her money deal with Hello on ‘How I‘m stronger now that Alex has gone‘; 
  • Joey wore some short shorts - it is getting to the point where this isn’t news anymore; and 
  • Madonna and Elton are speaking again - well she is but he still isn’t.

Dear David - Hoodie ... again

Dear David
 
I would like to complain about your tardiness with regard to a reply to my last letter. I am currently on a train and on arrival at my destination I will be 35 and wearing a hoodie and you still haven't told me if it is acceptable. If you could reply in the next two hours it would be appreciated as there is an opportunity for me to pinch something suitable as I am in first class.

Thank you
 
David Responds
 
I was asleep when your first letter was received and I am currently at my day job. I will respond later to both your letters when I have had my tea. 

But on first reading if you are even considering a hoodie there might be little I can do for you.

Dear David - Hoodie

Dear David
 
I am 35 and I have just bought a hoodie as I was unsure what the weather was going to be like this weekend as I have casual daytime public engagement to attend - as I know you are in a better position to judge my wardrobe than most can you advise this confused 35 year old? Normally jacket and jeans would prevail but surely variety is the spice of life at 35?

Anon
 
David Responds
 
Oh dear this is a bit of a dilemma and I am sorry that you are a confused 35 year old.  Reading between the lines here but I think some of the confusion arises because I think I know who you are and you are knocking on a bit and nowhere near 35. 

At this age I would strongly advise you to keep away from 'hoodies' as a normal part of your wardrobe. I think wearing a jacket with a hood is fine if it is actually raining, but just to reach for one as you leave the house and wear as part of your normal daytime wear is not really acceptable for a man of your age. 

Wearing a hoodie when it is not raining is generally only done by burglars or people working as casual labour on a fairground (I assume you are neither?)

Having said that, and again reading between the lines, I suspect your 'casual daytime public engagement' might mean 'standing on a street corner drinking lager' if so then wearing something warm might be advisable. 

If you think there is a possibility of rain then a hoodie might just be acceptable.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Our Cheryl

You might have noticed Cheryl has a new tune out, with a video where she sings and dances and everything.

It is very good.

She does those dance moves where she puts her hands in the air and then crosses her arms over, then she runs her hands down her body to make sure her purse is still in her pocket and hasn't left it in the launderette.

It is marvellous, you must watch it.

What's it called?  Oh, I have no idea.

Dear David - Christmas

Dear David

Is it too soon to start shopping for Christmas?

Anon

David Responds

Caroline ... is that you?  Now stop it, you do this every year and it gets earlier and earlier.

You can't start shopping until at least October.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Dear David - Words

Dear David

What does cavorting mean?

Anon

David Responds

You know what you were doing on holiday last week?  That's cavorting.

Dear David - Photographs

Dear David

Some photographs have been taken of me in a ... well lets call it a compromising position, and I think they are going to be printed in the media. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, get better friends.


Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Dear David - Autumn Fashion

Dear David

Now that autumn and winter are heading speedily our way (I know because the X Factor is back) could you give me some advice for what is likely to be fashionable for a gentleman of my age to wear out and about while visiting highly fashionable venues such as the laughing donkey?  Please exclude Primark recommendations for the purposes of this exercise.

David Responds

Oh dear that is a lengthy question isn't it.

But yes you are right to be thinking ahead, but I would normally recommend thinking at least a season ahead, (you should be thinking of your autumn outfits in the spring), but we are where we are.

You don't say how old you are, but from the correct usage of punctuation and a non-self-adhesive stamp on your letter, I would guess that you are over 40.


If you are a regular in the Laughing Donkey, then you will know that pretty much anything goes (actually I think I might know who you are and I have seen you knocking them back in the Laughing Donkey like a sailor on shore leave on many an occasion), but I think standards are very important so for a bang on trend this autumn\winter go for; fifty shades of brown is the colour for the coming season (you won't see me in it though, it is not me - I am more ... vibrant lilac), turtle necks, lightweight leather, scarves and minimalist.

There can be patterns, but they will be restrained; there will be colours, but they'll be muted; there will be accessories, but they will be functional.

The watchword - keep it simple, so you get the attention, not your clothes. 

Text

Exciting news, I've had a text telling me that the amount of compensation for my accident has been calculated and ready to be paid, I just have to text back and confirm I want the money …

… hang on a minute, I haven't had an accident ...

Monday, 20 August 2012

Dear David - Temper

Dear David

I recently had a bit of a rough time on a singing talent contest when I lost my temper, can you give me some advice?

David Responds

Yes, wear a skirt, those stretch pants did nothing for you.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Wall

I've had him next door round. Not him next door that is married to her next door; him next door the other way - when I say the other way, I don't mean 'the other way' just the other way.

Anyway he was around because he wanted to talk about our wall. It is all go around here.
 
He said he thought the wall between our houses was a bit crooked and he wanted to pull it down and build it up again. 

Well it looks ok to me, but it is bad enough being stuck with a tree that has the wrong colour blossoms on it without having a wall that is a bit crooked, so I said fine go ahead.

But if he thinks he is pulling it down and putting all the nice bricks back up on his side, he has got another think coming.

Friday, 17 August 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Richard wasn’t happy about losing his train set; 
  • Philip was fed up with people talking about his bladder; 
  • Michelle doesn't want to get back with Max; 
  • Kevin wished he hadn't sent his mates some texts; while
  • our Premiership footballers, inspired by the hard work and success of our Olympians said, yeah they would pop along to training for a kick about for half an hour, ahead of the start of the new season;
  • Some of our celebrities went into a house - someone let me know when they have all come out again; 
  • Jessica wore I tight dress; and 
  • Sarah wore a clingy dress - not sure what the difference is; 
  • the Duke and Duchess went on display in Berlin - sorry that should be the Duke and Duchess waxworks went on display in Berlin; and 
  • the Wags will be crawling out from wherever they have been now the football season is about to start.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Dear David - Text ...

I've had a bit of a stern text from a correspondent …
 
… I was a bit cross at your recent response suggesting I get involved with the Great British Bake Off - how do you think I am going to afford passion fruit and marzipan on my pension! E

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Olympics Over

Dear David

I watched every bit of the Olympics when it was on, but now it is over I am really missing it.  I don't know what to do, can you help?

Ethel

David Responds

Oh dear Ethel love, I think a lot of us are feeling the same, but remember you had a full life before the Olympics started and I am sure you can have again.

What about that nice new series of The Great British Bake Off?  I am sure can find lots of ideas for new things to bake off that programme, that should keep you busy for a few weeks.  And I know you have a half finished cardigan you put to one side when the Olympics started, why not pick that up again and you will have a lovely new outfit for the autumn.

Wheels

I was just thinking, if you added up all the time people around the world have said 'Let's not reinvent the wheel', you could have actually reinvented the wheel!

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Cuckoo

You might have seen in the news about a cuckoo that was injured and has been nursed back to health. 

It is now ready to migrate to Africa and a woman is flying out to Italy (in a plane) with it to set it free.

The woman says she has mixed feelings about it, as she wants it to get back to its wild life, but she has become very fond of the bird and will find releasing it into the wild an emotional and difficult time.

You need to get out a bit more pet ... 

Monday, 13 August 2012

Celebrity Review Olympic Special

An Olympic Closing Ceremony celebrity special:
  • The queen said she couldn’t face staying up till past midnight again so sent Harry instead;
  • The Pet Shop boys wore those coned hats they have had for years but hardly ever get to wear anymore;
  • George sang his new tune;
  • George has finally stopped wearing black suits and black roll neck jumpers - (although I’m not so sure about that t-shirt he was wearing);
  • Posh spice stood on a taxi and hung onto a rail for dear life;
  • Posh spice sang a few words - slightly more than in all the time of her previous singing career;
  • Gerry spice didn’t wear the union flag dress we all thought she would wear;
  • Gerry said she would have worn it, but it won’t go near her these days;
  • Roger is looking pretty good even though he knocking on a bit now;
  • Paul had the decency to stay away this time;
  • Brain needs to get to grips with that hair and sort it out for once and for all;
  • Kate and David didn’t turn up but allowed 30 year old videos to be used instead;
  • X Factor only managed to get one of their acts onto the show list;
  • Take That sang, but everyone was asking ‘Where’s Robbie?';
  • Only one of the ones from Oasis sang a song - not sure if it was the good looking one or the not so good looking one, it is difficult to tell these days;
  • The one from Oasis that sang the song had a jacket on and it is the smartest he has been for 20 years; and
  • a surprise appearance by Freddie was the best performance of the night.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Dear David - Olympics Closing Ceremony

Dear David

I am not currently in front of a tv. Could you let me know if a certain silly old fool has started bothering the Olympics again this evening please? Thanks.

David Responds

Have no fear, all indications are that the silly old fool has finally taken the hint gone on holiday to a far off place.  Somewhere in Greece I think.

Olympics goodbye

Says goodbye to the Olympics:
  • the running up and down;
  • jumping off things
  • the bows and arrows;
  • the wrestling in pyjamas
  • lifting heavy things;
  • hitting a ball with a stick
  • sitting in a boat
  • getting horses to count their age
it's been great.


Dear David - Shoes

Dear David

Did you notice when we were having our sherry last night that there seems to be a worrying trend for women to take their shoes off and walk around with naked feet - is this something that is now socially acceptable? Do you think Pippa does it when she parties in London or do you think it's going to be a northern phenomenon like no coat in January?

David Responds

Now Ethel stop it, we weren’t out last night, but you raise an interesting point.  I have noticed an increase in the number of women walking round bars with their shoes off, presumably because their feet hurt. 

To wear shoes for how they look rather than comfort is not new, but to then stick them in your handbag seems to defeat all purpose, not to say foolhardy considering the state of the floor in the laughing donkey. 

But to answer your question, no it is not socially acceptable, nor is putting your shoes on the bar while you order a drink!

As for Pippa, I’m  not a great fan, but nothing she does would surprise me.

I think this practice is pretty much confined to the Northern parts, but you never know, we might one day see ladies walking around Mayfair hot spots without shoes!

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Olympic Awards

With the Olympics coming to an end this weekend, I thought I would give out my own medals to the establishment for its lack of support for the GB Olympics:

Bronze medal goes to the British sports media for its embarrassing obsession with football\cricket\rugby to the almost total exclusion of all other sporting activity in GB.  For ignoring the dozens, hundreds of world class athletes in this country as they train day in day out.

Silver medal goes to the Daily Mail for its years of constant whinging, whining, bitching and sniping at the GB Olympic games.  For its total lack of support of any effort given by others to make this a good, happy and successful games.  And in a surprise double

Gold medal goes to the Daily Mail for coming in at the last minute when the gold medals started pouring in for GB and its reporting of how wonderful it all was, how it was all its idea in the first place and isn't the Daily Mail wonderful  ... too little too late!

Friday, 10 August 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:

Another quiet week for our celebrities with all the Olympic action going on - our celebrities must be getting worried we will become interested in people that can do something rather than just fall drunk out of nightclubs …
  • Marvin and Rochelle got married; 
  • Jodie chucked Kirk; 
  • Simon is in St Tropez - there’s a lot been in St Tropez this year; 
  • Vanessa has a tattoo - well it looks like a tattoo; 
  • Jennifer wore a black bra; while Sarah Jessica didn’t wear one at all; 
  • Brad and Angelina might be getting married - again (not married again, just rumor getting married - again); 
  • Rihanna wore a yellow dress - she must have been shopping again; and 
  • the spice girls are threatening to be at the closing ceremony.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Dear David - Fourth Prize

Dear David

I've really enjoyed watching the Olympics this year,all the dedication and professionalism is so impressive. so much so I think that just rewarding the top 3 seems somewhat unjust. I wondered what you thought of introducing a pearl necklace to reward those who finish 4th?

David Responds

I hadn't really thought about it before, but it does seem a little hard on all the people who train for so long to have only three prizes.

While stylish with the right outfit, I am not sure I think pearl necklaces would make a good additional prize.  They seem a bit expensive for fourth place.  Also they might have a detrimental effect on the world oyster population. 


Giving a fourth prize will inevitably lead to calls for a fifth prize.  

We have to draw a line somewhere and I think three is here to stay.

France

As we come to the end of the Olympics I wanted to buy a present for our nearest friend and ally - France.

I bought them some lovely top of the range grapes.

But unfortunately before I could pass them on they went a bit sour.

'Sorry, what was that France, didn't quite catch that' ...

Oh you don't need any, you say, you already have some!

North Korea

Just been checking out the Olympic medal table on the North Korea news service.

Apparently North Korea is in the lead with 87 gold medals.  Well done North Korea!

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Saudi Arabia Women

I see Saudi Arabia had its first woman running in the Olympics today. 

She didn't win, in fact she came last, but it was still a massive first for women in the Olympics.

But with the weight of all the extra clothes she had to wear, you would have thought they'd have given her a head start.

Football

What with all the excitement of the Olympics there hasn't been much coverage of football.

  • Maybe when our over paid and under-performing footballers see how hard Olympic competitors work to get world class results, they will train more than a couple of times a week (if they can be bothered to turn up);
  • Maybe someone will realise that it isn't necessary to have weekly salaries of £100,000+ 
  • Maybe the football obsessed media will understand that there is interest in sport other than football and give more coverage to other events.
That's a lot of 'maybes'.  Here is another one - maybe not!

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Mars

I see NASA has landed ... oh I'm not sure what you call it, not a spaceship, but er a thing that takes photographs, on Mars.

It has taken years of development and had to travel over 300 million miles to get there.

It has now started sending pics of Mars back to Earth. 

I've see the pics, after all that effort you would have thought hey might have put a colour camera on board.

Monday, 6 August 2012

Mitt Romney

I am becoming a bit worried about Mitt Romney.

He seems a bit quiet. 

He had plenty to say about Britain before the Olympic games started, offering his opinion on something he knew nothing about, but now he has gone all quiet.

I wonder why. 

Perhaps he has had a lot to stick in his pipe and is busy smoking it all!


Saturday, 4 August 2012

Dear David - Onlookers

Dear David

I own a rather large house in London, but I'm fed up with lots of people hanging around outside.

They have been walking up and down, running around and cycling.  And this morning there was a load of them swimming in my lake.  I am fed up with it, what can I do?

David Responds

Oh dear this is becoming more and more of a problem and it is very annoying.  You need to be bold and encourage these on-lookers to move along. 

Try standing at a window and make shooing movements with your hand. If you are not sure how to make 'shooing movements' - extend your arm fully and bend your fingers to a 90 degree angle.  Then flick your fingers sharply so they are fully extended.  Repeat the move several times mouthing the word 'shoo' as you do so.

This should be enough to make your unwelcome visitors move on.  If not you will have to go out and confront them directly.  Tell them your mam says they have to go away - that should do it!

Dear David - Athletics

Dear David

I think you were right about the bows and arrows, I had a go with a coat hanger, and elastic band and a knitting needle.  It is harder than it looks.

Now that the athletics has started, I quite fancy giving the hop, skip and a jump a go.  What do you think?

Ethel

David Responds

What ... with your ankles!

Friday, 3 August 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:

Haven’t really got time for celebrities this week, what with all these Olympics going on, but:
  • Mitt was given something to stick in his pipe to smoke;
  • the queen had her first part in a movie;
  • Anthea chucked Grant - and after all the bother she went to get him as well:
  • Arnold and Maria can’t sell their house;
  • Patrick might be getting married to Cat,
  • Robert is living with Reece for a while;
  • Bradley has had a good few days;
  • Elton is on holiday in St Tropez;
  • Bill isn't going to be in Ghostbusters 3 - I don't know Ghostbusters, was there a Ghostbusters 2?;
  • Charlotte has a new grunge look - she has always looked a bit grungy to me; and
  • Cheryl is doing a new TV programme.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Dear David - Watching the Olympics

Dear David
 
I am really enjoying the Olympics and I think you are too. But I am quite lonely watching it on my own. I think it would be quite nice to spend the weekend together watching it all at your house. 

Can I come round to yours for the weekend?

Ethel
 
David Responds
 
No you can't, sling your hook.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Dear David - New Sport

Dear David
 
I saw the Bows and Arrows on at the Olympics today and think I would like to give it a go. Can you tell me how to play it?

Ethel
 
David Responds
 
For heavens sake Ethel it was dressage yesterday and now it is 'bows and arrows'. Anyway I think they call it archery.
 
I don't think taking this particular sport up is such a good idea, your eyesight isn't what it was (remember the incident with the postman, the feather boa and the packet of sausages?), you could easily have someone's eye out and you need quite a bit of strength to fire those arrows.  

But if you are determined, the rules are fairly simple, you put at target at the far end you your garden and fire arrows at it.  The aim is to get as close to the center of the target as possible.  You get extra points if you split an arrow in two with a later fired arrow.