Saturday, 30 June 2012

The Queen's Diamonds

Bit of an item on morning News TV today.

A rather breathless reporter presented an item from Buckingham Palace about the Queen's diamonds (well I think some of them are ours, but I won't quibble here).  After showing us some of them she confided 'you know, the ancient Greeks believed diamonds were little bits of stars that fell from the heavens'. Pause for a little laugh at the naivety of the ancients.

How to break it to you pet?  Since everything on the planet came from the stars (where else did you think it came from?), that is exactly where they did originate!

Friday, 29 June 2012

Celebrity Review

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • the queen continued her jubilee tour in Belfast;
  •  the queen shook a man’s hand; 
  • the queen wore gloves when she shook a hand;
  •  the queen threw her gloves in the bin after she shook a hand;
  • Rihanna wore a suit;
  •  Some people who are only famous when Wimbledon is one were hitting balls across a net; 
  • Some British players are playing tennis until they get knocked out; 
  • Sean needs to put a T shirt on; 
  • Carla is having a baby - perfect timing just after Nicolas lost his job; and 
  • Adel is having a baby too; 
  • David isn’t going to play for Team GB in the Olympics; 
  • Rafa decided to leave Wimbledon early; 
  • While Bob said he thought he would hang around Barclay's for a bit; and 
  • Dave said he didn’t know why he had to keep going to Euro summits ‘cause he isn’t even in the Euro; and news just in - 
  • Tom and Katie are getting divorced.

Bankers

We are always being told that bankers get big bonuses to pay for their experience, knowledge and skills to do a difficult and complex job.  Question - which experience, knowledge and skills are these?

Is it the experience, knowledge and skills that lends thousands of millions of pounds to people and organizations with fat chance of ever paying it back?

Or the experience, knowledge and skills in seeing the financial breakdown coming (the same experience, knowledge and skills as next door's cat has)?

Or the experience, knowledge and skills in being able to operate like a chiseling bookie's runner for dodgy Dave the bookie?

Just asking - if there are any bankers out there reading this - perhaps you will let me know?

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Dear David - Personal Message

David Responds

A personal message for a regular correspondent ...


Ethel love, you really shouldn't try to make me break a confidence.  My recent letter from a footballer was confidential and must remain so, but on this one occasion I will confirm that, no you are not correct, the letter was not from Bobby Charlton.

Dear David - Team GB

Dear David

I was hoping to play football for Team GB in the Olympics, but now I’m not.  I am very upset, what can I do?

Anon

David Responds

Although you haven’t signed your letter, I think I know who you are (but don’t worry I will maintain your confidentiality in your published letter).

I am so sorry you are disappointed, but you are knocking on a bit and you haven’t really played in GB much for the last few years so you probably should have expected you wouldn’t be picked this time.

You will be upset for a day or two, but it will pass.  Try and stop thinking about it, go on holiday, go on a shopping spree and buy yourself a nice outfit, anything to take your mind off it.  In a week or two you will be fine.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Diamond Jubilee - last words ...

After an exciting extended diamond jubilee period I am bringing my coverage of the celebrations to a close.

But before I go a few words about the monarchy (don't worry, as you know my blog is a political opinion free zone - only observations are recorded).

Whether you are for or against the monarchy, being part of the royal family is a deal. 

You have a life of luxury and wealth beyond compare, anything and everything you want can be yours, in return you are required to put the country before yourself. Anytime there is a conflict between what you want and what the country wants - you come second.  That is the deal, it is non-negotiable and it is a life long contract.  Who gets the deal?

The Queen - gets it - totally
Philip - doesn't get it
Charles - doesn't get it
Ann - gets it, she doesn't like it, but she gets it
Andrew - doesn't get it
Edward - doesn't get it
Fergie - wouldn't get it in a million years
Diana, bless her- got it, but wanted to do it her way, but that isn't allowed either

Product Review

As you know I occasionally review a product - purely as a service to readers, this week:

L'Oreal Sublime bronze self-tanning Fresh Feel Gel (Face and Body)

Proguct - clear gel

Application - very easy, but rub well in

Result - you go very brown.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Dear David - Wimbledon

Dear David

I see Wimbledon has started, can you explain the rules to me?

David Responds

Yes, two players hit a ball back and forwards over a net for hours until everyone watching dies of boredom.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Her next door

Had her next door round this afternoon for a coffee.

Bit of an incident when I gave her little girl a colouring book and crayons to play with.

She said she didn't want a colouring book and crayons.  I asked her why not?

'Because I am 23!'

Sainsbury's

I notice Sainsbury's are selling their 'England Party Packs' at half price.

They don't normally do that until after we have lost the quarter final!

Dear David - Packing

Dear David

I only have a 15 kilo luggage allowance for my holiday, it is not nearly enough.  What can I do?

J

David Responds

Yes times are getting tighter and travel companies are always looking for ways to cut costs, smaller luggage allowances will be the norm in the future.

You don't say where you are going or how long you are away, but your allowance should be enough.  Follow my top tips for happy packing:
  • think about your suitcase, I have a very nice top of the range one, but it weighs a ton, think about trading down for something a bit more light weight, thereby increasing the amount of luggage you can take in a stroke;
  • take a critical look at your clothes, do you really need 14 cardigans for a two week holiday? why not double up and wear a cardigan twice, thereby halving the amount you take
  • your raincoat - do you really need two? Take a chance, if it rains one evening, jump in a taxi.  an additional cost I know, but cheaper than excess baggage on a coat;
  • limit your shoe, a stout pair day daytime walking and a more glamorous pair for evening wear;
  • don't take four tins of Heinz beans with you - they weigh heavy and you can buy them abroad now (I know they don't taste the same, but you are on holiday, you have to make sacrifices!
For further advice, check out a previous letter

Friday, 22 June 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:

First of all a correction to last week's Celebrity Review - Gary did not receive an oboe for arranging the Queen's concert, it was an OBE.
  • Cheryl wore some shoes and a top; 
  • Cheryl was at HMV on Northumberland street flogging some records; 
  • The Voice isn't going to bother with the tour now; 
  • Little Mix have written an autobiography - yes really; 
  • X Factor was in town and is coming to a venue near you soon; 
  • Johnny and Vanessa aren’t together anymore; 
  • Johnny bought a lady friend a horse; 
  • Johnny might have to give Vanessa £100 million - go figure; and 
  • I’m beginning to wonder about Frank and Christine; 
  • the queen went to the races; 
  • the queen had five pounds on her horse in the 5 O’clock at Ascot; 
  • Jimmy has had better weeks; 
  • Jimmy's house cost £8.5 million and he paid cash for it;
  • If your blogger didn't pay tax he could have paid cash for a £8.5 million house;
  • Frankie got a new hair-do; 
  • Gary entered a competition to see if he could lose his OBE before he received it;

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

England

I don't often comment on football, but after last night's show I feel I must share an observation.  Why is it that whenever England play in a tournament it seems to come as a complete surprise?

When interviewed players tell us 'they did the best they could in the circumstances' 'it's all starting to come together and with a bit more time ...' blah, blah, blah and on it goes.

They must have known Euro 2012 was coming - I have known about it for weeks, so why are they never ready?

And as for that goal - I am sure even I could have scored that one.

Oh and Wayne if you are going to spend £30,000 on a hair transplant, why not spend an extra fiver and get some product!

Iron Maiden

Bit of a chat with a friend at work about Iron Maiden (I know...).  I said that if I was on Who Wants To be A Millionaire pounds and the million pound question was 'Name an Iron Maiden song', I couldn't do it.  This was met with some disbelief, but I am sure at least 50% of the people reading this couldn't name one either!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Dear david - Wellingtons

Dear David
 
I am thinking of getting some wellies, can you give me some advice on which ones to get?
 
David Responds
 
Of course not.

Monday, 18 June 2012

X Factor Judges

Bit of a disagreement today on the relative merits of Cheryl Cole and Nicole Scherzinger. My contention is that Nicole is much prettier than Cheryl, most of those around me seem to have the opposing, incorrect view, that Cheryl is the prettiest. 

If you wish to leave a comment confirming the correct view, please do so.

Dear David - Midsummer

Dear David

I have been invited to a midsummer Druids party at the weekend.  I don't know what to expect, do you have any advice?

David Responds

Oh dear, this is a new one on me, I have never been to a Druid gathering, but I expect this event will involve staying up all night and waiting for the sun to rise.

It sounds dead boring so I would take a book and some sandwiches.

What to wear should be fairly easy though.  All you need is a white sheet (plain white please and no patterns) and drape it casually over your shoulders.  The hem should end about a centimeter from the ground. If your sheet is a bit long, try hitching it up a bit with a belt.

My best advice is just to follow the lead of others - do what they do and have fun!

Friday, 15 June 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • William and Kate went to the pictures - to see The Avengers; 
  • Gary is getting an oboe for arranging a concert - I think that is what it says, I haven’t got my glasses on; 
  • David said ‘you know when you get that feeling that you have forgotten something but can‘t think what it is?’; 
  • Gaga got hit in the face by a pole - metal not national; 
  • James Corden is getting married to Julian Clary - I think that is what it says, I haven't got my glasses on; 
  • Zara will be riding around on a horse in the Olympics;
  •  the viiiile Osbourne has a funny hair-do;  and 
  • Wayne got a new hair-do too!; 
  • Cheryl wore a tangerine dress: 
  • Cheryl wore a leopard print dress; 
  • Cheryl wore a polka dot dress; - just how many dresses has Cheryl got!; 
  • one Direction invested a lot of money in property - mainly Simon Cowell's property; and 
  • Nicole is doing X Factor instead of Kelly.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Dear David - Conversation

Dear David

I have often wondered what ladies talk about when they get together. Do you know?

David Responds

This is a very closely guarded secret, but I understand they talk about kittens, rainbows and unicorns.

Dear David - 40th Birthday

Dear David

I am going to a 40th birthday party soon and wondered if there were any rules or etiquette I should be aware of for the evening.

David Responds

Not really a party is a party is a party. Enjoy and have fun.

Although you might want to remember it is a little impolite to be more attractive than your host.


Dear David - Euro 2012

Dear David

I am fed up with all this football on and my programmes being moved around. What can I do about it.

David Responds

Not a lot really, and there is worse to come with the Olympics a few weeks away (if they ever stop faffing about with that torch that is).

The best I can suggest is to take this as an opportunity to do something new. Why not switch the TV off altogether and do something different instead:
    • Get a cardigan and start listening to radio Four - there are some lovely plays and books to listen to;
    • Get a cardigan with holes in it and join your local 'Green' group;
    • Take up knitting - find an old jumper you never wear, unravel the wool and knit a new jumper you will never wear - if sleeves sound tricky, try making a poncho;
    • Go 'antiqueing' in your local charity shops - buy up some bargains from one shop and try to sell them at a profit to the shop next door; (this might sound harsh, but times are hard for all of us);
    • Pop round to visit some neighbours - no scrub that, once you start that lark they will never be away!

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Dear David - Drachma


Dear David

I recently found 50 Drachma down the back of the sofa. What should I do with it?

David Responds

I'd hang onto it.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Dear David - Reunion

Dear David

I am arranging a 'Class of 75' school reunion night out. Would you like to come?

David Responds

No.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Dear David - Bees

Dear David

When beekeepers harvest honey out of hives, what do the bees think when they return to the hive to find out all their honey has gone?

Ethel

David Responds

Ethel I have no idea, and stop asking me stupid questions.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Croatia v Ireland

Bit of a slow start to the Euros, but thought I would check out tonight’s match between Croatia and Ireland.

Croatia is the much better looking side, apart from the little one in the headband.

Looks like it is raining - so maybe the headband will come in handy after all!

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Olympic Torch

Well I knew the Olympic Torch was heading my way, but have just found out when it arrives.

The torch will be heading across the Tyne Bridge and 17:00 on Friday afternoon. 

Well planned, there shouldn't be much traffic crossing the Tyne at tea time on a Friday!

Friday, 8 June 2012

Euro 2012 starts

After forty plus years of thinking otherwise we have finally come to the conclusion, that compared to other football teams around the world, England isn't very good.

Despite millions or words written to say the contrary, England's ability on the world stage, in relation to the amount of financial reward for players, has gradually deteriorated year after year.

We have now reached a point where we can't even be bothered to tell the lie that 'this time England can win'.

Don't agree? Couple of questions - how many goals did England score in the last world cup? What was the total annual salary of the England football squad? (I know you don't get a salary for being an England footballer - but that is splitting hairs).

First up tonight Greece v Poland.

Dear David - Horse

Dear David

An acquaintance recently passed comment as I didn't use a napkin while I was eating a pasty on my horse. Is not using a napkin in this circumstance wrong?

David Responds

Oh dear who passed comment - George Osborne?

Just my little joke - to be serious now.

The point of a napkin is to save your lap from stray food crumbs. Not using one leaves you open to this peril but this is your choice and on your own head be it.

In the scenario described there are others involved - namely your horse. (Incidentally thank you for the picture of your horse, no name of horse was supplied, is it called Merry legs?)

Stray pasty crumbs in your mane is not a good look and will leave your horse open to snickering and ridicule from other horse in the stable. I hope on this occasion there were no such incidents, but something to think about for the future.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Euro 2012

In case you missed it, the England football team arrived somewhere in Europe for Euro 2012. 

Bit of a low key start, they could be back before anyone notices they have gone.

Don't know if I can be bothered to cover it - but I know you would miss my insightful coverage ...

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Celebrity Review - Jubilee Special 3

A final look at the jubilee celebrities:
  • the queen hoped she didn’t have many more engagements this weekend as she was running out of outfits;
  • the queen panicked when she realised she didn’t have a clean pair of tights;
  • the queen rang Anne to ask if she could borrow a pair of tights;
  • Anne suggested she ask Camilla as she was nearer;
  • the queen said she didn’t think it was a good idea as she thought Camilla’s tights might be a bit baggy round the knee;
  • the queen went to church;
  • the queen had lunch in a very nice barn conversion;
  • the queen thought ‘why do they always stick me right next to the door - there is a right draught coming in here;
  • Obama read out a message to the queen that someone else had written;
  • Obama doesn't like the British and isn’t over fond of the queen;
  • Katherine nudged William and whispered - does Harry have to come everywhere with us?; and
  • the queen read out a message someone else had written.

Jubilee Concert

Dear oh dear oh dear.

What a waste of an evening.  I had premonitions of disaster before it started.  Our record of these 'spectacular' concerts isn't good and with the line up of the same old old crocs the omens weren't good.

Early on we had JLS and they were embarrassing, if only I knew what was to come.

I shall spare you the awful details, but a few points:
  • Cliff - it really is time to give it up;
  • Elton - you haven't been well recently, I will put it down to that;
  • Kylie - that outfit was awful, what were you thinking;
  • mccartney - cant stand him at the best of times;
  • Tom - not bad, but you have a lot of ground to make up after the Voice;
  • Gary - did no one tell you, you never touch the queen
  • Rafe - love you dearly, but time to stick to the paintings
  • Madness - what the bloody hell was that all about?
Only real highlight was 64 year old Grace and those legs! ... oh and the hula hoop!

Re-naming

As everyone seems to be having ceremonies at the minute, I think it is time for my latest official re-naming.

Regular readers will be familiar with 'the viiiile Osbourne' (four 'i's), the 'Black Eyed Beans' and the 'Pussycat Kittens', these names are now established as their official names.

Latest one - Will.u.not for obvious reasons.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Celebrity Review - Jubilee Special 2

Another look at the jubilee celebrities:

  • the queen kept looking out the window at all the people in her back garden;
  • the queen kept saying ‘have you seen all the mess they are making’;
  • the queen asked Charles to set her recorder for Coronation street;
  • the queen told William that Rita was getting married to Elsie Tanner’s son and she didn‘t want to miss it;
  • William had no idea who Elsie Tanner was;
  • the queen asked did she have to go because she hadn’t got warm since she spent all day yesterday on that boat;
  • Anne said she didn’t care what the weather forecast was - she was wearing her raincoat;
  • the queen watched a concert;
  • Charles said ‘Mother stop asking “who’s that?“ every time someone comes on;
  • Charles got a slap off Camilla ever time he said ‘Oh Diana would have liked this song’;
  • the queen said ‘oh look he is called William like my grandson;
  • Charles said ‘no. it’s will.i.am;
  • the queen said ‘that’s what I said, William‘;
  • Charles said ‘stop asking if Julie Andrews is on, she isn’t; and
  • ‘stop saying ‘Surprise Surprsie’ in that funny accent - Cilla isn’t on either‘; and
  • the queen lit a beacon.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Celebrity Review - Jubilee Special

A look at the jubilee celebrities:
  • the queen went to the races;
  • Katherine wore a nice dress and sang for the queen;
  • the queen went on a boat;
  • the queen took a blanket because she said it looked like it might get a bit cold later on;
  • the queen saw the Chelsea Pensioners;
  • the queen chatted to the Chelsea Pensioners; the queen told them ‘I’m 91 you know‘;
  • Charles said ‘Mother you’re not, you are 86’;
  • Philip said ‘what the bloody hell is that?’ when he saw the boat;
  • the queen said ‘they’ll never get this under that bridge’;
  • the queen had a bit of a dance when the orchestra played a sea shanty;
  • the queen doesn’t get out much;
  • the queen stood for hours watching boats go past;
  • the queen said ‘I wish they would get a move on I’ll freezing stood here’;
  • the queen must have calf muscles like tree trunks.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Dear David - Expressions

Dear David

I often use the expression 'I'll have your guts for garters'. Can you tell me anything about its origin?

David Responds

What a quaint expression and how expressive.

I think it goes back to the middle ages when, well lets let us call it a rather painful, method of execution was available. It was a statement of how one person would execute another person and what they would do with the remaining body parts after the execution.

Voucher

Popped into Sainsbury's this morning and not much choice at the checkout.  Either the one that wants to know all your business and passes comment on your food items, the nervous one that jumps every time the scanner beeps, or the old bloke that insists on calling me 'bud'!

The thing is, I had a bit of a cold last week and used up the last of my 'Cold and Flu' max strength things, but when I got my receipt, the till gave me a voucher for an offer on their flu tablets.  How did it know!

Friday, 1 June 2012

Dear David - Pimms


Dear David

I am having a bit of a celebration for the jubilee but wonder what to drink; Pimms yes or too chavvy? Soda water or lemonade? Such a dilemma.

David Responds

Oh yes having the right drink is so important. Unfortunately I am not much of a drinker and I have never had Pimms so I can't really tell you from a taste point of view whether to have one or not.

From a style point of view, I can see that drinking Pimms outdoors has a certain 'cachet' but it is a little obvious for your blogger so I would probably give it a miss.

Soda water is an abomination and lemonade is really just for children.

All in all I would go for a cool refreshing sparkling water - but please don't ask for 'fizzy water'!

Dear David - Beacon

Dear David

I have a big celebration at the weekend, but some damn fool has got me lighting a beacon at 10:30 at night. I like to be in bed by 9, how can I get out of it?

David Responds

Oh dear how awful, unfortunately I don't think you can.

But a little advance planning might help. Wear a big coat on top of your night garments, so when you get home you are ready to jump into bed. Have a good evening meal so if there is a buffet on you can give it a miss saying you had ' a big lunch'.

With a bit of luck you will be home before midnight. Compensate by having an extra hour the next morning.

Celebrity Review

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Craig showed off his new body on he beach in Miami - there’s a man without a record contract;
  • Ken fell asleep at the cricket;
  • George says he wishes he had never heard of pasties;
  • David said he had a pasty recently at a place that closed down in 2008;
  • Julian is probably going to have to go to Sweden;
  • Mitt might be the next President;
  • Tony popped into an enquiry;
  • David had pie and mash with his nan - Victoria was outside fainting at the thought;
  • Sharon has a boyfriend 27 years younger; and
  • Lester's new girlfriend is 20 years younger - what's going on?;
  • Angelina met William (Hague not Prince of);
  • Camilla wore a dress with butterflies on it - not real ones;
  • Hilary has left the Den for her own show on Channel 4 - didn’t she have a show on Channel 4 before?; and
  • Madonna ha stared another tour.