Thursday, 31 May 2012

Dear David - Media

Dear David

I am thinking of changing my media supplier from Virgin to Sky. What do you think?


David Responds

I'd leave it for a bit!

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Dear David - Boat

Dear David

At the weekend I am being made to sail on a boat down the Thames. It doesn't look safe. What should I do?


David Responds

Oh dear, sounds terrifying. But there are a few things you can do to help.

The biggest danger is something happening when no one knows where you are. Leave a plan of your journey with a friend or neighbour, and let them know what time you will be back.

Wrap up warm, even in May the afternoons can pull in a little cold. If it is a special event, wear your best cashmere cardigan - lovely and warm and smart too!

Try and sit in the middle of the boat, there is less disturbance if waves are a little high.

If you are prone to sea sickness, skip lunch, just to be on the safe side.

Follow my advice and I'm sure you will have a good time. Let me know how you get on.

Diamond Jubilee - Cup Cakes

Your cook will need time to get any special toppings, so time to make up your mind about what type of cup cakes you will be serving at your jubilee party.

Red white and blue colourings for icing toppings are an obvious choice for a jubilee celebration, but why not go for something a little more sophisticated?

Sample these for some great ideas!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Jubilee Buffet

Had a visit from her next door tonight, which is unusual because she hardly ever pops round of a Tuesday.

But then I realised what she was after, she must have heard about my Jubilee buffet and mingle on the bank holiday and she was after an invite.

Well she isn't getting one.  I have seen the way she goes through my gypsy creams, goodness knows what she would do to my strawberry tarts and diamond encrusted jubilee chocolate cup cakes!

Diamond Jubilee - Cake Stands

If you haven't already sorted it out for the weekend, you need to dig out your cake stands.

A cake stand will make a spectacular central display for your Diamond Jubilee festive spread. Filled with delicious cakes and scones it will provide an irresistible attraction for your guests.

As this is a most special occasion, after all no one alive today is ever likely to see a similar occasion, only your best cake stands will do.

Your finest bone china or crystal cake stands will look most splendid. Or for that extra special effect why not invest in a retro 1950s original. There might just be time to order one now - check out a specialist site for a distintive selection.

Or if you have time, why not spend a day wandering around your local antiques shops. You might be lucky and pick up an original at a bargain price.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Diamond Jubilee - Bunting

as we head towards the Diamond Jubilee weekend I will be offering last minute tips and advice for a carefree and happy holiday weekend.

And remember Dear David for those personal dilemmas

With less than a week to go, you need to dig out your bunting now and effect any repairs. 

If you last used your bunting at the silver jubilee in 1977 it is probably a bit grubby. Pop it into the washing machine (cool was, warm iron) for a quick rub through and it should be fine. 

Hang out to dry on the line - although you might want to explain to your neighbours you are washing your bunting, and that this isn't your permanent display.

Check for any tears or loose stitching and repair accordingly and there you are, a few hours work and you are ready to go. 

Dear David - Heat

Dear David

In all this hot weather I get a prickly rash on my arms. What should I do?

David Responds

Cover your arms up - I don't want to see it.

Saturday, 26 May 2012


Popped into Sainsbury’s this morning and noticed a chap filling his trolley with packets of teacakes, nothing else just teacakes. Great big armfuls’ of teacakes.

How strange.

Perhaps he is having a teacake party? I have nothing against teacakes, in fact I quite like one now and again, but I am not sure I could go to a party with just teacakes.

I was very close to suggesting he add a packet of gypsy creams to break it up a bit, but he didn’t look in the mood for advice.

I did wonder for a moment if this was the start of a panic buy, but soon calmed when I realised teacakes don’t begin with the letter ‘P’!

Friday, 25 May 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Kate isn’t doing GM Daybreak TV anymore;
  • Chantelle isn’t with Alex anymore - hardly seems worth getting divorced from the orange one now;
  • Amanda wore a pink dress;
  • Cheryl made a movie, she played the part of a talent show judge;
  • Mark had a good week last week - and a not so good week this week;
  • David shouted at Ed;
  • Matt hasn’t got a record contract anymore;
  • Matt (different Matt) says that Flavia wasn’t that hot;
  • Britney had a manicure;
  • Shane and Elizabeth had lunch - apparently it is worth putting in the papers;
  • Engelbert is getting ready to sing a song;
  • Geri didn’t have such a good day in Liverpool;
  • Victoria published her diaries; and
  • Cheryl says she isn’t going on US X Factor - did we not do this last year?

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Dear David - Shops

Dear David

What is the difference between T K Maxx and Matalan?

David Responds

No idea.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Shortages with a P

In my reporting of shortages beginning with P, (petrol, postage and pasties so far) we have a new one causing some panic at delicatessens up and down the country.

An earthquake in the northern Bologna region has affected one of the major Parmesan cheese production and storage areas in Italy.  

This has led to a predicted shortage of Parmesan cheese.

This could spell disaster for my jubilee spaghetti Bolognese!

Dear David - Street Party

Dear David

I want to hold a street party to celebrate the diamond jubilee. Can you give me some tips?

David Responds

You have left it a bit late lovey, the only thing I can suggest in the time available is you put a garden chair and a coffee table in the front street so you can sit back and relax.

You might want to put one of those fabric screens around your chair to discourage riff raff from stopping and talking to you.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Dear David - Wedding

Dear David

I am going to a wedding at the weekend. Should I get a spray tan

David Responds

Good god, yes!

Monday, 21 May 2012

Reviewing the troops ...

The queen has had a busy weekend, what with reviewing all those troops and sailors at Windsor castle on Saturday.

She said it was very nice, if a bit cold, but she was a bit fed up with all the mess they left on her front lawn as she says she has just had it done.

Meanwhile back at the Olympic flame ...

... it went out.

The man says this is not unusual and can happen for a number of reasons, like keeping it in a draught.  He went on to say it was alright as they keep a sparr flame in te van for just such an eventuality.

So the flame show went on ... how exciting!!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Olympic Flame

Looks like it could be a busy few months for your blogger, what with the diamond jubilee and the Olympics to report on.

First up, the Olympics …

You can’t have failed to notice the Olympic flame has arrived in the UK and your blogger was up before 07:00 this morning to see it arrive safely by helicopter at Lands End.

We were treated to live coverage from the BBC and a reporter could hardly maintain her indifference as she interviewed a father and son.

She started asking the boy (no idea how old he was, he might have been three, seven or 12) anyway she said he must be very excited about the Olympics to be at Lands End so early in the day …

‘Will you be watching it all on TV?’

‘I might’

‘oh err, do you like lots of sports?’

‘Not really’

With enthusiasm like that we can hardly fail …

And I might be biased, but I think my interviews with her majesty the queen were rather more informative.

Still round the corner we had Ben Ainslie all ready and willing to be the first to hold the Olympic cheese grater. Flame lit and he was off, for a slow walk of 100 meters, it hardly seemed worth the effort. Still he seemed to enjoy himself. But be warned we have 70 days of news coverage of people in white track suits walking down roads to look forward to!

Friday, 18 May 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • The ratbag was tired and emotional after some play she was in ended;
  • the ratbag was as tiered and emotional at a newt;
  • David went for a night out wearing navy jacket, navy polo shirt and navy jeans - you ever thought of wearing grey for a change?;
  • Angelina bought a helicopter for Brad;
  • Kate ore pink dress she didn' get from Top Shop;
  • Harry got engaged (McFly one not Prince of … one);
  • queen Sofia didn’t pop in to see the queen;
  • Mark made $19 billion dollars ringing a bell;
  • Boris picked up the Olympic flame and so far, has managed not to lose it;
  • Anne got a new torch;
  • Rihanna wore some stars and stripes shorts;
  • Spandau Bal have reformed - again - but without Tony Hadley;
  • Dawn is going to be looking for Jesus - not the real one though; and
  • Gary met Harry to sing a song.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Donna Summer

one of mum's paintings ...

Dear David - Euro 2012

Dear David

I noticed an item in the News about the upcoming Euro football championship. I want to join in with the excitement, is there an official start day when we begin to pretend England can win this competition?

David Responds

There is no official start date to this collective delusion, the best guide is to check your local supermarket.

You will find supermarkets never miss an opportunity to increase sales, so they can be relied on to be the first to put out the flags and decorate their stores at the start of any national festival.

For interest, this period of national self-delusion lasts until the point in the first game against an ‘easy’ country when the opposition scores the first goal.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Dear David - Panther

Dear David

What’s the difference between a Panther and a Puma?

David Responds

Ooh a nature question - I don’t get many of these.

Panther refers to members of the animal genus Panthera which include the tiger, lion, jaguar, and leopard while the word - Puma - refers to the genus Puma which is also the name for the cougar (or mountain lion).

The word Panther comes from the Greek, whereas Puma is more Spanish in origin.

Dear David - Eyelashes

Dear David

I have read that J-Lo uses real mink hair for false eyelashes. I don't have a mink, can I use a ferret instead?

David Responds

No you can't.

Dear David - Men's Fashion

Dear David

What is the hottest trend for men's fashion this year?
David Responds


Prints on everything, shirts, trousers even shoes. If you are laughing at the thought - I will remind you of the fact next summer when you are wearing yellow print shirt and blue print shorts!

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Dear David - Inquiry 2

Dear David

I took your advice today and didn’t wear that black dress with the Peter Pan collar - I wore a black trouser suit instead. What did you think?

David Responds

I was a bit drab lovey, have you not got a chiffon scarf?

Dear David - President

Dear David

I have just started being president of a big country and so far I have been soaked to the skin in a massive downpour and my plane has been struck by lightening. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Oh dear, I’m sure this isn’t how you imagined it would be, and it isn’t going to get any better, I would pack it in now.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Dear David - Inquiry

Dear David

I used to run a national newspaper and tomorrow I have to go before a committee of inquiry. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, don’t wear that black dress with the Peter Pan collar - you are far too old for it.

Interviewing the queen

I’ve been offered and extra interview with her majesty the queen, well I was in the area.

This time I thought I would ask about all famous people she has met.

‘Have you met Brad Pitt?’


‘Have you met Matt Damon?’


‘Have you met Johnny Depp?’


‘Have you met David Beckham?’

'Yes, I have met famous women as well …'

‘Have you met Barbra Streisand?’


‘Have you met Judy Garland?’


‘Have you met Bette Davis?’

Are you gay'

‘… Have you met Bette Davis?’

'Yes, and I have met Joan Crawford’

‘I wasn’t going to ask if you had met Joan Crawford’

Have you met …. Katie Price’?’

‘Who is Katie Price?’

‘Never mind. Have you met Joey Essex?

‘Who is Joey Essex?’

‘Do you not get ITV2?’

‘Do I not get ITV2?’


‘No … I have met people other than actors, like politicians and other royalty, I’ve met lots of those, why don’t you ask me about them?’

‘Ok … Have you met Prince Charles?’

‘well yes of course’
‘Have you met … Princess Anne?’

'… ask me about politicians'

‘Have you met … Benjamin Disraeli?’


‘No, I thought you said you have met lots of politicians?’

'He died before I was born. Why not ask me about Tony Blair, I liked him?'

‘Who’s Tony Blair?

Security Questions

Got a phone call from, well lets just call them a media supplier, after introducing himself my caller asked me …

‘Could I just ask you some security questions;’


‘Can you tell me …?’

I responded

‘Can you tell me …?’

I responded

‘That’s right’

That sorted I asked him

‘Could I just ask you some security questions;’

‘Sorry, what do you mean?’

‘Well you have asked me some questions to confirm who I am, now I would like to ask you some … just so I know who you are …’

‘but I told you where was from when you answered the call’

‘yes you did, but I confirmed who I was when we first spoke - but you still wanted me to answer questions;’

‘well alright, but we don’t normally answer questions’

‘ok - what’s the capital of Peru?’

‘sorry? How is that a security question?’

‘well it probably isn’t but I didn’t know you were going to ring, so I’m not prepared’

Pause … ‘Is it Lima?’

‘very good, yes it is. Your next question, who won the Olympic football event at the last Olympics?’

Longer pause ….’I don’t know’

‘Sorry I can’t continue our conversation’

‘No wait, what’s the answer?’

‘Sorry I don’t know either!’

laura and davide

cousin laura and new family member davide

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Hilary decided not to wear make up;
  • Harry (One D not Prince of) is looking to do ‘other projects’ - already!;
  • the queen got all dressed up for the State opening of Parliament - over in 15 minutes she thought it was hardly worth the bother;
  • Rihanna was exhausted;
  • Rihanna was as exhausted as a newt;
  • Hilary Clinton went into administration;
  • Chantelle had to carry some carrier bags full of shopping;
  • Chantelle and Alex look like they might not be together much longer - no need for Alex to rush the divorce from the orange one now;
  • some people you have never heard of and will never hear from again got through to the final of BGT (correct at time of going to print); and
  • Wayne raced a horse - well he didn’t actually race the horse … but he might as well have as it came in last.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Dear David - Evening Dresses

Dear David

I like those evening dresses that are long at the back and short at the front. Do you have any advice for carrying off the look?

David Responds

Yes, check your knees in a full length mirror!

Dear David - Parliament

Dear David

I have to open parliament and make a speech today, but I want to go to the races. Do you have any advice on how I can get to Chester in time for the 14:30?

David Responds

Oh dear, being double booked for an engagement is the curse of modern life, and unfortunately no one can be in two places at once.

To hurry things along, try turning two pages over at a time when you read your speech. No one will notice and you will be out in half the time.

Good luck and if you have a tip for the 3 o’clock, let me know!

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Press Conference

You might have seen on the news that two years after they first gave a joint press conference in the rose garden at No 10 Downing street, David Cameron and Nick Clegg have given another joint press conference.

I’d like to report the important things from that meeting.

Nick decided to wear a lighter blue suit than the one he wore in 2010, but he wore the same yellow tie.

David wore the same navy blue suit he wore in 2010, but he has lost a bit of weight so the top fastened button wasn’t pulling tight so much.

David decided on a different tie (empirical) purple, instead of the party blue he wore two years ago.

During the speech David removed his jacket for the ‘Obama power look’ while Nick kept his jacket firmly buttoned.

If you want to know what they said - see News at 10.

Dear David - Right or Wrong

Dear David

Can you tell me, is it better to do the right thing for the wrong reason, or the wrong thing for the right reason?

David Responds

Oh dear, this is one of those difficult philosophical questions, when really I am much more comfortable advising on what should be worn with what1

Still since you ask…

Hmmm let me think … doing the right thing is always the right thing to do (it is sort of in the title), but if it goes wrong, well that wasn’t your fault.

Doing the wrong thing, is just wrong and if it ends up being for the right reason, well that is just good luck.

So although this is a tricky one, and tomorrow I might give a different answer, I would say it is best to do the right thing for the wrong reason ….

Repost - about rain!

With umbrella sales reportedly up 5,000%, I thought a re-post on the subject or rain and umbrellas might be timely …
Dear David

It rained heavily last night and I got very wet. I have always wondered if there is any value in running to get out of the rain - does it keep you drier?

David Responds

This is a good question as it is the subject of endless debate. There is a mathematical equation to consider and helps provide the answer. It goes something like this - for each second you are in the rain x number of raindrops will hit me. These are calculated by considering the speed of the falling rain (but see my earlier blog on the invention of the laws of gravity) density of raindrops and prevailing wind speed.

This then needs to be considered in two ways
Walking pace - which increases the length of time in the rain; and
Running pace - which decreases the length of time in the rain but increases the density of rain that hits you.

There have been many experiments in this area and the general agreement is that it is better to walk in the rain as overall you will be hit by less rain.
This is the scientific answer but is counter-intuitive.

Regular readers of my blog will know I believe there is more to life than science so follow my top tips for getting about in the rain:
  • You need to consider how you are perceived by the casual observer. Walking in the rain could make you look quite mad so consider developing a 'slight jogging in the rain' approach. This will give you the benefit of reduced rain coverage and seeming as though you are sane;
  • If you insist on sticking to scientific principles and walk in the rain, then don’t sing as you walk. This is likely to get you sectioned;
  • Don't automatically reach for your umbrella. Consider your destination. If you are going home then getting a little wet will cause no lasting damage, so maybe just leave your umbrella where it is. If you are on your way to work or an engagement then using your umbrella might be a good idea to save you spending the rest of the day sporting a rather 'bedraggle' look;
  • Umbrellas are one of the major cons of the 20th century. They provide minimal protection and the benefits are far out-weighed by the stress caused in the anticipation of sudden wind gusts blowing your umbrella inside out. In addition to the inconvenience of dealing with the wet umbrella when you reach your destination;
  • Don't use an umbrella while riding a bicycle;
  • Be aware that if you do use an umbrella, you will attract waifs and strays without umbrellas wishing to share yours as you walk;
  • Do not share your umbrella, the person you share with will invariably be taller than you, requiring you hold the umbrella beyond your head, this means you get wet and they stay dry. At your destination they will quickly disappear leaving you to deal with the wet umbrella. Tell them that if they are so keen on umbrellas to go and buy one. This will make you unpopular, but said person will never ask to share your umbrella again!

Monday, 7 May 2012

Interviewing the queen ... again

This is the fifth and final of my exciting interviews with her majesty the queen.

This time I thought I would ask about all the flowers she receives.

‘I’d like to ask you about all the fabulous flowers you receive’

‘You again’


'Do you like roses?’

'Look, I have a dress fitting at 11 o’clock'

'Is it for a blue dress?’

'Don’t start that again'

'Do you like roses?’


'Do you like chrysanthemums?’


'Do you like daisies’


'Do you like lilies?’

'They are alright'

'Do you like marigolds?’

'No, they are a bit ‘public park’ for me'

'Do you like tulips?’


'Do you like carnations?’

'No, they are banned from my palaces'

'Really! Why?’

'They are dead common'

'Do you … like … geraniums?’

'Geraniums aren’t really flowers, they are plants'

'But they have flowers on them - do you like geraniums?’


'Why not?’

'They have hairy leaves, they give me the creeps'

'Do you like …’

‘Hold it there, there are thousands of flowers, I haven’t got time to go through them all!’

And off she went, I thought it was a bit abrupt, but I am sure these interviews have given a fascinating insight into the life of the queen. Maybe I’ll be invited back one day!


Sunday, 6 May 2012

Interviewing the queen ...again

This is the fourth in an exciting series of interviews I have been offered by her majesty the queen to celebrate her diamond jubilee.

This time I though I would ask about her fabulous wardrobe.

'Have you got a blue dress?


'Have you got a red dress?


'Have you got a yellow dress?


'Have you got a green dress?


'Have you got a purple dress?


'Have you got a …. check dress?



'I don’t wear check dresses'

'I’ve seen you in a check dress … in Scotland

'That was a kilt'


‘Have you got a blue hat?


‘Have you got a green hat?


‘Have you got a red hat?


‘Have you got a blue hat?

'You have asked me that before'

‘Have you got an … orange hat?


‘Have you got red shoes?

'Is this going to go on all day?'

‘Have you not got red shoes?

'Have I not got red shoes?'


'You haven’t got red shoes?'

‘I have‘

'You just said you hadn’t'

‘I didn’t, I said I hadn’t not got red shoes’

‘So have you got red shoes’


‘You definitely said you hadn’t’

'I didn’t - look I haven’t got time for this, stop asking me questions’.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Dear David - Election

Dear David

I have just won an election, I am very excited. Do you have any advice for me for my next term in office?


David Responds

Yes, get a decent haircut you are a grown man not 17. Oh and while you are at it, tuck your shirt in!

Friday, 4 May 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Katie is getting married - again; and
  • Dannii might be doing X Factor again;
  • Jeremy has had better weeks; and
  • so has David;
  • Katie says she is just like Elizabeth Taylor - yes I can see it now, the bit where she got an Oscar for putting the chip pan on in her reality series;
  • Chris says he thinks his hearing problem might have been caused by loud music - go figure;
  • Duran Duran are doing the Olympics - singing not running;
  • Mariah wore some tight leggings;
  • Helen is making a Hitchcock movie and wore pyjamas;
  • Dawn has lost lots of weight and is wearing her wedding ring;
  • Bruce is making another Die Hard film;
  • Kathering has got some legs;
  • Jill is doing Abigail's Party;
  • Justin (T not B) says his clothes in 'N Sync days were embarrassing - you got that right;
  • Lenny is going out with someone that looks like Dawn; and
  • Aled is going to be doing Daybreak with Lorraine.

Interviewing the queen ... again

Your blogger has been offered the chance to interview the queen again. I think she likes me This time I thought I would find out what she likes to eat.

'Do you like bread?


'Do you like corn flakes‘?


'Do you like jam?

'What sort of jam'






'I didn’t know you could get plum jam’

'You can?’

'Do you like kippers?’


'Do you like sausages?’


'Do you like …. parsnips?’


'Do you … like … chocolate cake?’


'Do you … like … sly cakes?’

'What’s a sly cake?’

'Its like a sweet pastry sandwich filled with currants’

'No, I don’t like currants'

'Do you like Eccles cakes?’

'What’s an Eccles cake?'

'It’s like pastry filled with currants’

'No, I don’t like currants'

'Do you like … garibaldi biscuits?’

'What are garibaldi biscuits?'

'They are like flat biscuits filled with currants’

'Stop asking me about currants, you’re obsessed!'

Dear David - Weetabix

Dear David

I notice in the news that the Chinese have bought Weetabix. Does this mean I have to have sweet and sour with Weetabix in future? I am very worried.


David Responds

No this recent event does not mean you will have to have sweet and sour on your Weetabix in the future. The change of ownership should see no changes to the product.

But really Ethel love, we have talked before about the things you worry over - you have had porridge for breakfast every day without fail for at least 70 years so I don't know why you are worrying!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Interviewing the Queen ... again

The queen liked my last interview so much, she has agreed to another one.

This time I thought I would ask her about all her fabulous jewels ...

'Do you have a crown?'


'Do you have a diamond tiara?'


'Do you have a diamond necklace?'


'Do you have a pearl necklace?'


'Do you have a diamond earrings?'


'Do you have a diamond brooch?'


'Do you have a … diamond bracelet?'


'Do you … have a … diamond watch?'



'I don't wear watches'

'Really! How do you tell the time?

'I don't need to - nothing starts until I arrive, and if I am late, people just have to wait for me'

I thought that was a bit rude

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Interviewing the Queen

Brought to you by Dear David 

Your blogger has obtained a rare interview with Her Majesty the Queen. I thought I would ask her about the many countries she has visited during her long reign …

'Have you been to France?'


'Have you been to Germany?'


'Have you been to Australia?'


'Have you been to America?'


'Have you been to Canada?'


'Have you been to Peru?'


'Have you been to … Papua New Guinea?'


'Have you ...… been to …. India?'


'Have you been to Saskatchewan?'

'Saskatchewan isn't a country'

'I know, I just like saying it'

'Have you been to Saskatchewan?'


' You have been to a lot of places'


Cake stands

Excitement mounts as we head toward the Diamond Jubilee weekend. I am sure you are making all sorts of plans, but I want to raise one particular thing you should be thinking about now.

Cake stands.

This may seem a strange thing to be worrying about at this time, but cake stands are frequently over looked and left to the last minute. Imagine your horror if on jubilee morning Mabel is setting out your tea table and you don't have a suitable cake stand.

I can see you now with a confident smile on your face, thinking 'oh this isn't an issue for me - I have my cake stands ready and I know where they are'.

But not so fast - this is a Diamond occasion and the tatty old cake stand you got off your nan will not do.

For this celebration your cake stand probably needs to be crystal, or your finest china decorated with a suitable delicate design.

And before you ask - no you cannot improvise by putting a plate on a tin of beans and covering with a doily!

Tuesday, 1 May 2012


My favourite programme is on TV at the moment. That simple tale of everyday folk shown in The Only Way Is Essex.

I will save you the background, but there is a current storyline where Charlie chucks Gemma.

They have a coffee after the event and Charlie tells Gemma that even though he has chucked her, she is very special to him, he feels they have so much to give each other as friends and that he always wants her in his life.

In case you don't know - this is man talk for 'I never want to see you again as long as I live'!