Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Squirrels

Although I see squirrels most days I don't give them much thought.

I didn't even know we had black squirrels.

Apparently after moving into the UK and almost wiping out red squirrels, the same thing is now happening to grey squirrels.

I don't like grey squirrels, they are creepy.

But I am not sure I like the look of black squirrels either!

Monday, 30 January 2012

Dear David - Behaviour

Dear David

I recently won a reality tv series and ever since I keep showing my brassieres. Is this acceptable?

Anonymous celebrity (Newcastle)

David Responds

No it isn't, stop it.

Friday, 27 January 2012

Dear David - Tennis

Dear David

I keep losing tennis matches. I am fed up, what can I do?

David Responds

You could try and start winning matches, but on the positive side you are the first person to lose the Australian Open four years in a row!

Dear David - Shoe

Dear David

I found a ladies shoe (black, size 6, slightly scuffed) recently. What should I do with it?

Indigenous Australian

David Responds

I think I might know who it belongs to - send it to Australia House.

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Heidi and Seal are getting divorced - I only just found out they were married;
  • Cheryl might be doing X Factor again;
  • Joan (78) had a face lift - another one;
  • Simon has a new girlfriend - but she looks like the last one;
  • Caroline got chucked by that little lad she was seeing;
  • Caroline got chucked so Harry could check out the totty in the US when on tour - oh no sorry, that should read Caroline got chucked so Harry could concentrate on his music career in the US;
  • Princess Marie had a baby;
  • Brad might be going to marry Angelina;
  • Amy’s new reality show isn’t going to be on anymore;
  • Orlando wore some purple trousers;
  • Ashton was at Demi’s house;
  • TOWIE is starting up again;
  • David and Rihanna were at the basket ball - but not at the same time;
  • Nicole might have a replacement for Lewis; and
  • Becky left Corrie.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Dear David - Julia

Dear David

When I left home this morning I was walking fine. But since I got home I feel lopsided and as if I am standing at an angle. This has happened so suddenly, I am very worried.

Julia Australia

David Responds

Check your shoes pet, you might have lost one.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Dear David - Scotland

Dear David

I have seen a lot in the news about an independent Scotland. I am a bit concerned as I live and work in England but I have family in Scotland, I have a few questions, could you put my mind at rest?

David Respond

An independent Scotland is something for us all to think about. I will try and answer your questions, to take them in order:
  • You should still be able to buy oatcakes at a reasonable price in England, as far as I know there are no plans to impose an import tax on this product;
  • Singing of Auld Lang Syne in England on New Year’s Eve will still be legal, - even if perhaps it should not be;
  • There will be border controls at Berwick - but it is unclear whether it is to keep the English out of Scotland or the other way around;
  • There is no truth in the rumour that Kenneth McKellar will be president of Scotland;
  • Similarly there is no truth in the rumour that the Queens head will be replaced on bank notes by a picture of Oor Wullie;
  • You will still be allowed to drink English Breakfast tea in Scotland.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Silk Cape

I don't know if you have seen the spider silk cape on show at the V and A.

Apparently it has taken eight years and more than a million Madagascar Golden Orb spiders to create this work of art "with the quality of a fairy story".

I've seen pictures of it and it could do with a hem in it!

Gym

Popped in the gym to night for a bit of a run and to lift some weights up and put them down again. 

Still got lots of January people in the gym and one new chap was in changing room getting changed when I arrived.  He was puffing and panting and exhausted he had to have a sit down.  I thought he was going to have a heart attack.

You know your blogger, I am always ready with a bit of encouragement and a cheery smile so I started chatting with a 'Seems like you've had a hard work out'.

He said 'I haven't been in yet, I've just got here'.

He give me a right look. ooops!

Monday, 23 January 2012

Dear David - Jam and Scone

Dear David

I recently had tea with, lets call him a gentleman caller, and when I put jam on my scone he said I was dead common. I am worried, should I not have done that?


David Responds

Ah yes, the jam on scone question. It is fine to put jam on your scone, but as with all things, there is a way to do it and a way not to do it.

Briefly you should cut the scone with a knife, then lay it gently on the side of your plate. Spoon a small amount of jam onto your plate. You can then spread the jam, onto your scone. Never use the serving spoon to do this.

You don’t tell me how you put jam on your scone, but I suspect you scooped some jam straight from the jam jar (small shudder) onto your scone.

No wonder he thinks you are dead common.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Paul Daniels

Your blogger is a bit on the squeamish side, so not happy reporting this one, but apparently Paul Daniels has cut a finger off with a circular saw.

There is no truth in the rumour that they have thrown the wrong bit away!

Friday, 20 January 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Michelle and Max aren’t engaged anymore, but they are still dating - yeah right; and
  • Benedict has split up as well;
  • Lauren fell over in her heels;
  • Rihanna wore a swimsuit;
  • While Coleen wore a bikini;
  • Denise was topless on Celebrity Big Brother - thank goodness I missed that episode;
  • Rhodri and Natasha might be getting back together again - Rhodri are you mad?;
  • Jude doesn’t have as much hair as he used to have;
  • Simon said X Factor and Britain's Got Talent weren't very good last year - we already worked that one out;
  • Johnny and Vanessa aren't together anymore - and this time it has nothing to do with Angelina … we think;
  • Christian celebrated 20 years of putting red soles on his shoes;
  • a few people were evicted from the Big Brother house - there might be people still in it, but who knows:
  • Sharon (Stone not 'the vile …') wore a leopard print coat; while
  • Alesha wore a bright yellow dress for the start of Britain’s Got Talent.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Dear David - Time

Dear David

I have seen something on the news about getting rid of Greenwich Mean Time, but I don’t understand it. Can you explain it?

David Responds

Yes I can. Time was invented about 300 years ago at the Royal Observatory at Greenwich.

After time was invented it was decided that the rest of the world should have it as well. It was realised that everyone couldn’t have the same time, or we would all go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time. This would mean that the world wasn’t being used for at least a third of the time every day.

To remedy this, time was given out in stages. The countries nearest Greenwich got it first. And then countries further away got it until there was time all the way to Australia.

You can see where time started in Greenwich as there is a white line painted on the ground.

We don’t have Greenwich time in the summer as Greenwich time is quite cold.

What you have seen in the news is that they want to make time more accurate, so they are planning to move the Greenwich line a few inches to the right.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Jedward

It is sort of fortuitous that twins John and Edward have names that let you join together and make a single name Jedward.  

I suppose it is as well they weren't called Brian and Astards.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Deart David - Difficult Questions

Dear David

I was asked by an acquaintance at the weekend how to use predictive text. Rather than tackle the question head on I decided to pretend to be partially deaf (only partially as I did not want to appear to be claiming benefits). Did I take the correct course of action? If not please advise, bearing in mind this person would not look out of place on the set of Downton Abbey and appears to have some learning difficulties also my time is paid at a high premium.

Perplexed

David Responds

Oh dear what a difficult and complex situation. Let me take it a bit at a time.

If you are in a social gathering and you are asked a difficult question that, either you don’t know the answer to, or can’t be bothered to get into, pretending to be partially deaf isn‘t really the best thing to do. You might have to follow this through for many years to come and could be come quite tiresome.

Much better to take the queen mother approach. When asked a tricky question, smile sweetly at your companion and ask ‘have you come far’?

This rather neat change of subject will throw your questioner and their confusion to come up with an answer will give you time to think of a follow up question - or in an emergency plot your escape.

I am not sure which character from Downton Abbey you acquaintance fulfils, I suspect it is the kitchen maid, but the queen mother approach works in any social situation and is suitable for all from a Duchess to … well someone who isn’t a Duchess.

Dear David - Dolly Birds

Dear David

I saw one of your recent letters about yachts and you mention ’dolly birds’. I have never heard of dolly birds, can you tell me what they are?

David Responds


Yes I can. A dolly bird is a young lady who wears a small, tight bikini at all times. She wears high heel shoes and has big hair backcombed into a large bouffant style.

Dolly birds generally talk in a whisper and move around on tip toes. The professional dolly bird will wobble a bit as she walks. 

Dolly birds are not to be confused with Katie Price. Jordan is not a dolly bird - she is too rough.

Dear David - Yachts

Dear David

I saw your earlier advice about getting a yacht and wondered how old is too old for a yacht, just in case I fancy having one later in life?

David Responds

A good question but one I am afraid may leave me open to charges of sexism in my response, but please dear reader, remember I only report the rules, I don’t make them up.

A man can have a yacht at any age. In youth a yacht is an exciting adornment to a man’s personality. As you travel from one exotic location to the next you will be the envy and object of desire for all.

An older man, even elderly can still have a yacht and receive admiring glances. If you are elderly you will be able to stock your yacht with numerous dolly birds in bikinis. But be aware the dolly birds will run around in a fast jerky motion in time to the Benny Hill theme tune.

A lady yacht owner is something of an anomaly. Most ladies realise that yachts are a bit of a waste of money and the money would be much better spent on shoes. Ladies beyond the age of around 45 should not really be buying yachts.

Moon Probe

And in a bit of space news, the stricken Russian moon probe has crashed back to earth. 

The Russian military aren't too sure where it has landed and have been looking all over for it.

So could you have a look out the back and see if you can see it - Joan you might want to check your hanging baskets.

Yachts

I see the Education Secretary has suggested we buy the Queen a yacht as a present for her Diamond jubilee.

I am not being funny but what does an 84 year old woman want with a yacht? And anyway times are hard and we haven’t any money - can we not just get her a bunch of flowers instead?

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Dear David - Cold Weather

Dear David,

I live in the north, but with today’s cold weather I wonder, is it too cold to go out tonight?

A concerned southerner.

David Responds

I can understand your concern. For a born and bred northerner then the simple answer is - it is never too cold to go out. I suspect at the back of your mind is the coat question?

Again the simple answer is that you do not wear a coat no matter what the weather conditions.

Personally I have taken a relaxed view on this lifestyle choice and introduced the ‘0 degrees’ rule.

If the overnight temperature will be a minus figure, then you should wear a coat. If the figure is 0 degrees (ice melts at 0 degrees, water does not freeze at 0 degrees) or above, then you should remain coatless.

This is a simple rule to follow for the first thirteen weeks of the year.

Gym

Popped to the gym this morning and even though my gym isn’t noted for its warmth it was cold even for there.

Not that I mind - who wants a warm gym, (and a three mile runs soon warms you up), but scraping the ice off the inside of the windows isn’t good, so I am not sure we really needed the fans switched onto full!

Still we seem to be back to normal with a sprinkling of lady clients, and not just the one with the funny hair-do that makes her look like a labradoodle!

Friday, 13 January 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Antony got a Buy None Get One Free deal on cheese and wine at Tesco;
  • Tesco didn’t know they were doing Buy None Get One Free deals;
  • Beyonce bore bouncing baby boy - well actually it was a girl, but that spoilt my alliteration;
  • Chloe had a day out in Essex without any make-up on;
  • Kate went to see a film about a horse - the queen mother would have tried to put a fiver on it;
  • Someone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house; and
  • someone no one has heard of was the first to leave Strictly on Ice;
  • Ashton shaved his beard off;
  • Lauren is worried about her bosoms;
  • Madonna has been wearing gloves;
  • Fergie (Duchess of not Alex) might have to spend 22 years in a Turkish jail;
  • After a pub he has part shares in went bust, Antony says he has had better weeks;
  • Princess Ann save £40 by not booking a hotel room with a sea view because it was night time;
  • Beatrice went to a party with Madonna;
  • While George went on holiday;

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Tesco

Apparently Tesco have had £4 billion wiped of the value of their shares due to poor sales.

I can't account for all of their losses, but I think £18.23 can be attributed to a new recipe idea on Ready Steady Cook!

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Dear David - Dog

Dear David

I have just taken delivery of a new jumper for my boxer dog, but I think the arms a little long. What should I do?

David Responds

I am sure you were quite excited waiting for your dog's jumper to arrive and are now a little disappointed that you have to return it to get a different size. But there is no need. Just turn back the sleeves a little and add a jaunty cuff to your boxer's jumper.

Cuffs in doggie jumpers are so in this season and your pooch will be quite the envy of the dog park in his new outfit.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Higgs Boson

Watched a bit of a programme about the Higgs Boson. Don’t know if you know much about it, but the Higgs is this particle that they have been looking for, for ages. And it is quite important.

They have however had a hard time finding it, so they have been trying to locate it by working our where it isn’t. So far they have found lots of places where it isn’t, leaving one or two places where it might be.

There must be an easier way to find it.

Why don’t they go back to where they last had it and start looking from there? Having said that and watched the programme I am not sure they ever had it in the first place!

Oh and here is a hint - I think they should look a bit more closely at 125 Gev

Dear David - No Trousers

Dear David.

Today is ‘No Trousers day’, a day where you go to work without any trousers on. I am thinking of taking part this year - should I?

David Responds

Don’t be ridiculous.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Late Christmas Card

Came home yesterday to a 'couldn't be delivered - insufficient postage paid' card from the Post Office, so after a trip to the sorting office this morning and handing over £1.36 I received my last Christmas card of 2011.

It was from my aunt and she does this every year - posts her Christmas cards without stams on, she says she is getting forgetful in her old age.

I'm going to do that this year!

Friday, 6 January 2012

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Arnie and Maria might not be getting divorced after all;
  • but Katy and Russell are;
  • Kym wore a duffle coat to watch a football match;
  • while Wayne got wrong for going out for a meal on Boxing Day;
  • David is doing Britain’s Got Talent;
  • Alesha left Strictly and got a job on Britain’s Got Talent;
  • Simon said he misses the money BGT normally makes so he is going to do it this year - what’s that - oh sorry I’ll read that again, Simon says he misses Britain and the wonderful British audiences so he is going to do BGT this year;
  • Alex told Chantelle (that is pronounced Chantewuhll) the first night they met he would get her pregnant - it is more usual to ask if they lady would like a drink;
  • a load of celebrities started the new series of Celebrity Big brother;
  • Kirk woke up wearing a fur lined hat and sun glasses - that is so last year;
  • Wayne has a new hair-do, but not more hair;
  • Simon called Will obnoxious - yes really;
  • Ashton is still on holiday;
  • Sienna is going to have a baby - and it isn’t Jude’s - apparently; while
  • Beyonce still hasn’t had her baby.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

New

Bit of an unnerving incident in the office this morning.

I had just arrived and this woman I have never seen before (it is a big office) came up to me and gave me a beaming smile and a cheery 'good morning'.

I am not being funny, but I prefer to know someone at least 10 years before we get on such familiar terms first thing in the morning!

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Strictly on Ice

We are only days away from the new series of Strictly on Ice - how exciting.

I have had a quick scan of our celebrities and have noticed a worrying development.

Some of our celebrities appear to be on their second lap of Reality programme. Sam and Mark were on X Factor and Andy from Coronation Street was on the singing show on the BBC that no one can remember and I am sure Jennifer Ellison has been on the Ice programme before (or was she on the kitchen one that was hosted by the one that got sacked from Have I Got News for You?).

If some of the contestants are on their second reality go - are running out of celebrities?

M25

I was thinking about the M25 the other day.  Well it was a bit quiet and I had nothing else on.

I have noticed that on traffic reports they say things like 'at Junction 15 going clockwise' or 'Junction 21 going anti-clockwise'.  I always thought that this was quite helpful and having never been on the M25 I thought no more about it, until today.

Now having thought about it, I don't think it is that helpful at all.  If I was on the M25, would I know if I was going clockwise or anti-clockwise?  Are there sign posts showing the 'clockwiseness' direction of travel?

And for the young of today, what with all the digital clocks and phones and things, do they know what clockwise is?

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

And the Republican Nomination Is ...

Bit of excitement in the world of US politics where they are trying to decide the Republican nomination for President.

If you are not so knowledgeable about US politics it is quite complicated - I might do a special post at some point - but basically there are two parties; the Democrats and the Republicans.

To put it simply, the Democrats hate the Republicans and the Republicans hate everyone.

As mentioned earlier the Republicans are looking for a new leader, it is more or less down to either Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich.

What sort of names are they for President of your country Mitt or Newt.

It wouldn’t happen over here. King Newt sounds like a character from Toad of Toad Hole and King Mitt sounds like a large oven glove!

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Morecambe and Wise

If you watched any TV over Christmas, you might have seen one or more of the many Morecambe and Wise shows, in fact they were difficult to miss, I know, I tried.

I am going to put my hand up and say the unsayable - Morecambe and Wise are not funny. They never have been.

To prove my point we had a programme of clips from their shows hosted by Paul Merton (this was one of many of the best of Morecambe and Wise shows on over the last week or so) and even he had to bring guests onto the show to tell us how good they were. If they were that good, the clips would stand alone and not need any commentary to explain how funny they were.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against them - is just that they were not that funny. Oh and don’t give all that about how they got an audience of 30 million one Christmas night - I know, I was there, and there was nothing on the other side!