Sunday, 31 July 2011

Dear David - Uniform

Dear David - For most of my career I have always worn a suit and tie for work. However two years ago the powers that be decided to put us all in a uniform. Now it could have been worse it could have been a rubbish one, but in fact it was quite smart - navy suit (2 or 3 buttoned depending on personal preference) solid lilac shirt or lilac ...and white stripped shirt and a matching tie (I picked the tie btw but that's not relevant). It was a little trolley dollyish but acceptable. However due to cuts we are having the uniform stopped (apparently they are thinking of doing something similar with our pensions......).
 
Anyway my problem is this, I have noticed that there is a shift these days for male Managers in the rest of our organisation to wear smart trousers with open neck shirts and no tie. I'm a little confused as to what to do as I was always happy with my traditional suit and tie combo - could you help please?
David Responds

Thank you for raising this topical subject. You don't say what your profession is, I am assuming it doesn't involve wearing a paper hat? But the question does show a lack of foresight from your management - how did they think they were going to pay for the uniforms!

But to your question. There is a definite move away from wearing ties in the office environment and thank goodness for that.  I believe the teaching profession abandoned this practice many years ago, instead going for the tweed jacket and pipe in pocket look. I myself abandoned tie wearing some years ago and feel much better for it. After all our lady colleagues are not forced to work buttoned up to the neck.

The tie of course, for some, can be a form of refuge, they feel it confers authority and status. This is nonsense you don’t need to rely on a tie to give you authority. Authority and status comes from you, not a piece of material.

After a lifetime of tie wearing, switching can be difficult. At first your colleagues will seek to mock you and pass comments such as ‘Where is your tie?‘ These witty, observant and sometimes stinging comments can be deflected with a clever lightening response, such as ‘I’m not wearing one’. This will leave your tormentor speechless and much less willing to pass comment in the future.
So be brave and embrace this new freedom. Or if you feel this is too much too soon try a compromise of not wearing a tie on Mondays and Fridays.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:

  • Cheryl has decided she definitely isn’t getting back with Ashley;
  • Cheryl has realised which side her bread is buttered and is making up with Simon;
  • Catherine got some new earrings, just like ones Diana used to wear;
  • Catherine has realised that everything she does from now on will be ‘just like Diana did’ so newspapers have an excuse to put Diana on the front cover and sell more copies;
  • Natalie has lost three stone since she split from Adam;
  • Natalie pushed her child in a buggy along the prom in a bikini (Natalie was in the bikini not the child) - Natalie pet, you cover up when you are off the beach, the locals don’t want to see tourists half undressed walking around the shops;
  • Abbey Clancy has decided to take Peter’s name now they are married - unfortunately that makes her Abbey Crouch (maybe she hasn’t heard of the biscuit!);
  • Ryan had a dance on a table with a belly dancer;
  • Tara had a night out with her nose;
  • David (Beckham not Cameron) is going to show his underwear in H&M;
  • Zara and Mike were getting ready to get married;
  • Anne had said she thought Mike should get a new nose for the wedding but he never got round to it;
  • Anne wondered if Tara was using her new nose this weekend;
  • Anne said they should put Mike at the back behind a vase of flowers when they took the photos.
And Amy, bless her, couldn’t go on any longer.

Dear David - Dress Down Day

Dear David

We are having a 'Dress Down' day at work soon, but I don't know what to wear. I am very worried, please help.

David responds

Workers in offices will be familiar with this concept, it means, for one day you can leave the business suit at home and come to work in casual dress.

This is fraught with difficulty as 'casual dress' is rarely defined leaving the office worker with a nightmare to negotiate and all too frequently resorting to washed out, shapeless t-shirts and ill fitting jeans that any self-respecting scarecrow would die before wearing.

The root of this problem is not in the 'casual dress' code, but in the lack of wardrobe discipline.

Let me explain. Your clothes should be sorted and categorised into very clearly defined wardrobes. This need not be a physical wardrobe - but if you have the space it does help. This means for each item of clothing you should decide its intended purpose. Put at its simplest level you wouldn't attend to your garden in your best going out clothes.

To give you some guidance put each item of your clothing into one of the following categories (try to resist putting the same item in two categories, this leads to confusion for the casual observer and indecision in the wearer), starting at the top:
  • Saturday night out
  • Friday night out
  • Out for dinner
  • Work clothes
  • Weekday night out
  • Shopping in town on a Saturday
  • A day out (beach\country etc) without children
  • Shopping in town weekday
  • A day out (beach\country etc) with children
  • Grocery\retail park shopping
  • Going to the gym\exercise event
  • Participation at gym\sports event clothes in general
  • Attending the garden if you have a gardener
  • Attending the garden if you don't have a gardener
Once you have done this it will be very easy to decide what to wear for any given occasion. If you have an occasion that is not on your list, go for the nearest equivalent.

So for 'dress down' day I would aim at 'shopping in town weekday' clothes. If your office is particularly well heeled, you might want to bump that up to 'Shopping in town on Saturday'.

This guidance will also help you when shopping for clothes - the next time you see something you like but you are not sure if you should buy it, check your wardrobe categories and if there isn't a category, don't buy it!

Dear David - Trains

Dear David

I don't think I expressed my problem very well in my last letter. All the trains at the station were cancelled, what should I have done?

David Responds

This is a frustrating experience but there is nothing you can do to make trains start running again.

Hanging about the station with other annoyed and trapped people will only send your stress levels higher. If this happens to you again, leave the station immediately and head for a nice little coffee house (not a brand one if you can find one). Order your favourite drink and settle down with your book.

Resist all temptation to try and get updates from the station for at least one hour (a serious disruption will not be sorted in under an hour).

When you establish that trains are running again, leave ample time for the riff raff (or 'other commuters' as they prefer to be called) to be cleared from the station. Delayed people will pile onto the first train out - this unseemly experience is to be avoided at all cost.

This could mean a significant delay to your journey, but as word of the travel disruption spreads, people that would have gone to the station for the later trains will be put off and make other arrangements, giving you a relatively quiet journey home.

Dear David - Trains

Dear David

My train has been cancelled, what should I do?

David responds

Get the next one.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Minus Numbers

Watched a programme about numbers on TV last night. I don't like numbers, they get too confusing. I am sure we can get on quite well enough without them.

Anyway this Marcus chap was on about negative numbers. I remember doing them at school and we learned that if you multiply a minus number by a minus number you get a postive answer. That doesn't make sense to me but I was fine with it as it was a rule. I like rules they make life simpler.

My issue was that we were just told the rule and it wasn't explained why it was so. And that was my difficulty.

Let me give you an example. This morning I didn't have an apple. So I was minus one apple. But then I thought about it and maybe really, I didn't have two apples, or 20 apples or I didn't have 100 apples. I became quite alarmed as I had nowhere to put all the apples I didn't have.

But I decided that for my example it would be easier if I just had minus one apple - so to continue, if I mulitply the apple I don't have with another apple I don't have, then according to that Marcus chap I should have one apple.

Well I tried it and it didn't work. I started with minus one apple and I still had minus one apple.

I hate numbers!

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Olympics

Bit of an item in the news at the moment (in between all the doom, gloom and disaster) as it is one year until the start of the 2012 Olympics. The theme of the item was that here we are only one year to go but only about a third of the country is excited by the event.

What a strange thing to report. The Olympics are one year away - if you are excited about it now, you will be an emotional wreck by the time they start!

If there is a lack of enthusiasm it is hardly surprising. I like the Olympics as much as anyone, but we have already had the build up for six years (yes it was indeed July 2005 when London was chosen for Olympics 2012) so if they don't give it a rest for a bit we will all be sick of the sight of it by the time it starts!

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Ryan

I see Ryan Giggs has been on holiday with some of his Manchester United team mates.

Apparently they went to a Burlesque show at a nightclub in New York and Ryan was seen on a table gyrating with a scantily clad belly dancer.

I suppose if you find yourself on a table with a belly dancer the only thing you can do is gyrate!

Paperchase Again

I have to go in Paperchase to get another card again this week.  I don't like going in there - the woman behind the counter doesn't like me for some reason!

Water

Some exciting 'new product' news.

I have discovered a brand of weight watchers water, it has reduced calories and a vitimin.

Can't wait to try it!

Pricey

Oh and a warning for those in Leeds thinking of buying a book - Katie ratbag Price is signing copies of her new autobiography in a Leeds book store. As you might know Katie has written about 40 books, most of them autobiographies. It doesn't say here whether she has actually read her latest autobiography, but she is attempting a book signing record to sign as many books as possible in the shortest time.

Presumably that will be the theme of her next autobiography - 'the day I spent in WH Smith writing my name' - oooh can't wait!

Weather

Why do weather forecasters say some of the things they say. This morning we were told 'if you are looking for some sunshine then head West'. What a funny thing to say - who, on a Tuesday morning gets up and thinks 'I wonder where there will be some sunshine to day and I will go there?'.

Unfortunately for most people you have to take the weather you get - the option of traipsing round the country for some weather you like isn't available!

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Reacher

I read quite a lot of books and Jack Reacher is one of my favourite characters so I was quite pleased to see that they are making a movie featuring this Lee Child creation. 

If you have ever read any Reacher novels (there are about 15 and I have read most of them) you will know that our hero is six foot five and a has a build to go with it.  I was therefore a bit surprised to see Tom Cruise is going to play him in the film.

Now I have nothing against Tom Cruise (although I prefer Matt Damon) and there is a bit of a mystery about how tall he actiually is - but he isn't six foot five!

Earrings

I see Catherine has some new earrings, supposedly modelled on a pair of Diana's favourite ones.  This was reported by the Mail, as an excuse to show pictures of Diana.

The Mail, ever helpful, drew little yellow circles around the earrings in their ears, just in case we weren't too sure where to look!

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Cashpoints

You know cashpoints?

You know when there are two cashpoints next to each other and they are both free so you have your choice of which one to use?

Question

When you are using it and someone you don't like the look of comes to use the free cashpoint - is it always wrong to be 'helpful' and tell them the free one is out of order?  Even though you know it is working perfectly well.  Just so you can make them wait a bit longer until you have finished your transaction.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • J Lo and Marc are having some time apart;
  • Rebekah has had better weeks;
  • Pussycat Kitten and Louis got engaged, (or one of world’s most glamorous women gets engaged to one of the world’s most boring men);
  • Jennifer had a new movie out this week - doesn't Jennifer have a new movie out every week?;
  • Andrew isn't allowed to be a trade ambassador anymore;
  • Andrew is wondering how he is going to fill his days now;
  • Paris was told she was knocking on a bit;
  • Rupert was fed up with his holiday in the UK so he decided to go back to the US;
  • Rebekah had a day trip to the Houses of Parliament in the first week of her summer holidays;
  • Rebekah didn't know she was going to be having summer holidays;
  • Pixie has a new boyfriend and some new bosoms;
  • Pussycat Kitten Nicole and Louis aren’t engaged after all;
  • Steps are getting back together for a reality show; and
  • Dynasty is getting back together for a 30 year reunion show.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Paperchase

Bit of a scene in Paperchase this morning. I bought a card, handed it over to the lady so she could swipe it with the beep thing and gave her my money.

She then put my card on the counter.

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

I looked at the card.

She looked at the card.

She looked at me.

I looked at her.

I thought - well I'm not moving from here - I will stand here all day if I have to.

She caved in - 'Would you like your card in a bag?' she asked.

'Yes please'.

Leaving

I was having a bit of a chat with one of my ladies in the hotel restaurant this morning and she told me this was her last week at the hotel. She said she was going back to Mauritius to open a restaurant.

'How wonderful' I said. 'That sounds lovely, I will have to come and see you'.

Me and my big mouth.

She was highly delighted and disappeared to get me her email address, phone number, her sister's phone number and said I could ring anytime.

Still she did say they were also doing accommodation and I could stay for free and eat for free in her restaurant.

I wonder where Mauritius is ...

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Cable

With all the furore around News International over the last few weeks - no one seems to be mentioning Vince Cable.

You might remember Vince was sacked a few months ago for letting slip that he wanted to block the Murdoch bid for BSKYB. If only he knew then what he knows now!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Dear David - Holiday Packing

Dear David

I am going on holiday soon but the baggage allowance from the airline is the barest minimum - I will never be able to take all I need with me - please help.


David Responds

This is a common problem but you need to think about how to tackle it carefully - get it wrong and you could be in for a disaster of a holiday. Follow my top tips for carefree holiday packing:

Clothes

Lay out all the clothes you want to take on holiday with you. Group all your clothes together, all your shirts\blouses together, trousers\skirts together and so on. Then for each category of clothing sort them into preference order, your favourite at the front all the way to your least favourite at the back. Once you have done that, halve the pile of clothes and take only the top half on holiday. So a pile of eight shirts becomes four.

Repeat this with all your clothes, you will than have a more manageable amount of clothes to take and you will have all your favourites too!

The Rationale for this approach is that you will take too much and inevitably bring back clothes you didn’t wear, prioritising in this way makes sure you only take what you need.

Cosmetics

A frequent mistake is to get caught up in the holiday excitement and buy new everything to take on holiday. New shampoo, new conditioner etc. This is a mistake. A full bottle of shampoo is quite heavy. Multiply that by all the various things you take and you could find a significant proportion of your valuable baggage allowance is taken bottles of things you need. Instead just pick up the half used bottle from your bathroom and take that - just be sure there is enough to last for the duration of your holiday.

Or better still do what I do - don’t take any of these things with you and buy them at your holiday destination. When your holiday is over, leave what is left for the chambermaid. This saves carrying them to your holiday destination and leaves more room for clothes. And I know Boots have a 3 for 2 offer on and they are cheaper in the UK - but an extra 50p on the price of your holiday isn’t going to make any difference.

Accoutrements

Don’t take a beach towel, they are bulky and can be fairly heavy, buy one at your resort and bin when you leave. Don’t buy from your hotel, instead, support the local shops and buy from a shop in the resort. (Hotels are cashing in on ‘all-inclusive deals’ and killing local communities).

Leave your holiday iron behind. You don’t need it. If you are worried about creases, sprinkle your clothes lightly with water when you unpack your case. Pay special attention to creases (see earlier blog for more information about creases) and hang them up to dry. In the morning you will find the creases have disappeared.

Dear David - Tool kit

Dear David

I have just bought my first house and I think I should have a tool kit for odd jobs. I can't afford a lot of expensive tools, so could you tell me the minimum tools I should have in my toolkit.

David Responds

Yes tools can be very expensive and it is easy to be persuaded to by lots of tools you might use once and never need again. For your minimum requirements you need only two items:
  • If something moves and it shouldn't - use duct tape
  • If something doesn't move and it should - use WD40.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Archaeologists

There has been a bit of a rumpus in the press from archaeologists. Apparently government is cutting funding for archaeologists leading to potential job losses.

Now I’m not in favour of archaeologists losing their jobs, but I do wonder whether we need so many.

We have been digging things up for years and I am worried that there isn’t much left underground to find.

I think they should leave some for future archaeologists to find, or archaeology will be dead boring in the future.

If they don’t in say couple of hundred years, all they will be able to find is some rotten 60s tower block - which isn’t the same as finding an Egyptian pyramid or a Roman amphitheatre!

Sunday, 17 July 2011

A Pride Night Out

A Night Out

A bit of a night out in the Laughing Donkey this week. You might be aware that this weekend was Newcastle Pride. It has come a long way since the olden days when it was two people sitting in a field in the pouring rain for the afternoon. These days there are events, parades, people you have never heard of standing on a stage in a field and singing - all sorts of things (and a special mention to Miss Joan and friends for managing a tent all afternoon in the rain raising money for a worthy cause), then the Saturday night is the social event of the year.

First let me define ‘social event of the year’, I am sure you will have more exciting and glittering nights in the year, so the night is probably better described as ‘the busiest night of the year‘. Busier than New Year’s Eve and slightly warmer.

It is a great excuse to get out the crash barriers and cordon off 20 square meters of a car park and charge people £5 for an armband to stand there in the cold all night.

I planned to give the armband thing a miss this time - the last time I shelled out £5 to stand in a car park, it was last August bank holiday we were the only ones there and it was freezing.

What to wear is a bit of a puzzle as the evening can get a bit messy so your best togs are not necessarily a good idea. You need to aim for something ‘summery’ but functional. This of course is heavily influenced by the weather as your friends will make you stand outside. In the end I decided on something I think youngsters call a ‘t-shirt’.

Bit of a surprise as we arrived, to find the crash barriers had not been put in place around the car park giving free access to the coach station and surrounding streets.

Still it was busy, a bit too busy for your blogger’s liking and the Laughing Donkey was the busiest of all.

If you have ever been in the Laughing Donkey you will know the floor is always covered in glass and tonight was no exception, which I couldn’t understand as all the glasses were plastic.

There was not a spare corner to be had so a quick drink squashed in a corner next to the tab machine and off next door to the Rusty Bucket.

Things were not much quieter here, I noticed there was a new DJ in place (at least new to me as I haven’t been in the Rusty Bucket for ages). His choice of music led me to presume he was straight and he didn’t quite get the Pride thing. Bon Jovi and The Drifters aren’t really the order of the day, but I think someone had a bit of a word and soon there was Kylie - sanity restored.

The rest of the evening was more of the same and goodness knows what time I got home.

Friday, 15 July 2011

Celebrity Review

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Rupert and Rebekah went for Sunday lunch, Rupert went to get their coats and when he got back he asked Rebekah if he had had any phone calls - Rebekah said there were no messages on his answer machine;
  • Simon wore a pink shapeless jumper - instead of the white shapeless t-shirts he normally wears;
  • Rupert says Rebekah has always been like a daughter to him - some daughter;
  • Arnie is thinking about making a new movie, now that he doesn't have to be Governor of California;
  • Angelina and Brad decided to get married - Oh dear;
  • Rebekah has been a bit quiet this week - perhaps she has gone to the hairdressers or taken that rotten denim jacket with the brass buttons she wore for lunch on Sunday down the tip;
  • Rebehah finally got the message and decided she wanted to spend more time with her family;
  • Tara had a photo taken of her face and her nose in the same place and at the same time;
  • Sam and Chloe had dinner with Richard and Judy;
  • Victoria had a baby at half past seven;
  •  Geordie Joe won a contest singing some songs and got a record contract;
  • Halle and Olivier went for a walk; Olivier is looking a bit rough these days
.

Dear David - Creases

Dear David

When I go out for the evening I often find my shirt is very creased when I get out of the taxi. How can this annoying occurrence be avoided?

David Responds

I suspect that when you go out you make a last minute decision on what to wear and iron a shirt just before you go out.

This is part of the problem. When you iron clothes you should wait at least three hours before you wear the garment.

If you don't believe this advice - let me ask you a question, do you iron a shirt each morning for work and wonder why it is full of creases by the time you get to your office?

This is because ironing warms the fibres of your clothes and warm fibres are liable to form creases. To minimise creases wait until the material has fully cooled - hence the three hour wait.

As further help, when you get into the taxi, if you wear your shirt outside your trousers, unfasten the bottom one or two buttons. This will allow you to put the tail end of the shirt fronts to your sides and eliminate the 'fold over' as you sit in the taxi. Pull the shirt taught to your body as you fasten the seat belt and you should arrive crease free.

Your question does give me one worry. I suspect you make a last minute decision on what to wear for a night out and reach for the iron.

When preparing for a night out you should really lay out (or have some one do this for you) two or three potential outfits on your bed, (or chaise lounge if you have one). Do this early on to give lots of time to make a decision on your final selection and time to consider appropriate accessories, to give a stunning final outfit. This will also give your partner fair warning on what you are planning to wear and avoid an embarrassing 'Howard and Hilda' clash of colour or style.

Princess Michael

We haven't heard anything from Princess Michael of Kent for ages but she has been in the news.  If you are under 35 you might not have heard of Princess Michael, or Princess Pushy as she is known in the Royal Family and in the Press, but she was the Fergie of her day.

She has been giving us all some beauty tips and confidentially tells us she 'has the kind of skin that doesn't age'.

Well I've had a good look and I think you need to have a word with the manufacturer pet, because it looks like it is ageing to me!

Thursday, 14 July 2011

GM Daybreak TV

Bit of an item on GM Daybreak TV about the national rise in house break-ins. We had an interview with a young lady who has had her house broken into twice in recent months.

GM Daybreak TV very helpfully showed us where theives had got into her house and, should you wish to, where you could get in too.

They then very helpfully told us that the young lady lived on her own with two small children.

I don't want to worry you pet, but I wouldn't be feeling any safer!

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Dear David - Socks

Dear David

I have read earlier advice about socks and I now realise I have a drawer full of inappropriate socks. What should I do with them?

David Responds.

It is nice to see this most important advice being taken seriously, but I understand your dilemma. In these days of unbridled consumer waste, it is important to make full use of everything for which we no longer have a need. Try my top tips for using unwanted socks:
  • If you have small children, consider making a puppet theatre using your unwanted socks to create clever and amusing sock puppets. You can also build your own theatre to hold many puppet plays. You will find your winter evenings will fly by;
  • If your children are older, (mid to late teens) then consider they same approach. Your children will think you are quite mad and refuse to co-operate. They will be appalled when you insist on holding puppet plays for them and their friends when their friends call. This will ensure they always go to their friends houses in the evenings, giving you some valuable 'me time';
  • Consider keeping some of your unwanted socks for the autumn season when local children will be creating guys for bonfire night (I don't approve of bonfire night, but still it persists). Often guy construction concentrates on the body arms and legs, but the feet are often sadly neglected. Your unwanted socks can be filled with old newspapers and will make an interesting, and anatomically correct addition to the guy;
  • We haven't had any floods for a while in this country, but save your socks for the next disaster. Wearing 'comedy' socks outdoors is still not allowed, but in the circumstances of a flooded house and being bundled unceremoniously into a rowing boat by the fire brigade, perhaps a glimpse of 'Scooby Doo' socks will lighten the mood.

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown has suggested the News International (The Sun) used illeagal means to obtain his son's medical records.

The Sun absolutley deny this saying they used entirely legal means to obtain the medical records of a small child and publish them for all to see.

I think they have missed the point.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Fans

Bit of excitement at the gym tonight.

After ten years of promising, they have finally installed fixed fans throughout the gym.

Now all they have to do is switch them on!

Tyne Bridge Tower

I see the Tyne Bridge Tower has now gone.  I wonder where they have put it?

Beatrice

I see there are rumours circulating that Beatrice is about to announce her engagement to her multi-millionaire boyfriend.

Fergie is so excited - she can already hear the sound of tiny little cash registers.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Product Warning

If you fancy trying a new body exfoliator watch out for Boots Orange Lime and Mandarin Invigorating Body Scrub.

It's rotten. It brought me out in a spot which lasted almost two hours and leaves your skin feeling like it is covered in wax!

Fake or Fortune

Watched a fascinating programme about a painting and the investigation to find out whether it was a genuine Rembrandt or not.

After much effort (and 40 minutes into the programme) to establish the painter they took it to the world's leading expert on Rembrandt - what he doesn't know about Rembrandt isn’t worth knowing.

He looked at the painting - considered it carefully and declared …

… it is not by Rembrandt.

Our presenter was very disappointed, but asked, ‘how can you tell?’

‘It isn’t signed by Rembrandt’

Are they kidding me? I could have worked that out and saved them a trip to Holland!

Why do I watch this rubbish!

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Motorist

I have a question for the motorist who followed me to Sainsbury's this morning.

What is the stopping distance travelling at 30 mph?

No, I don't know either, but I know it isn't four inches!

Dear David - life advice

Dear David

I used to be the editor of a national newspaper and now I lead an international corporation, but things haven't been going so well lately. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes. Start using a decent hair conditioner. Try John Frieda.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Andy decided he wasn’t going to go to Wimbledon on Sunday after all;
  • Kirk and Lauren split up … again - I'm not even sure these are real people;
  • but Cheryl and Ashley look like they are getting back together - careful pet;
  • Frank and Christine are still on holiday - I make that four weeks, they must be getting fed up by now?;
  • Prince and Catherine are wandering around Canada looking at things;
  • Catherine is wearing a lot of dresses from Reiss;
  • Catherine wore skinny jeans in Canada - Catherine, don't wear the skinny jeans again;
  • Cilla was invited to an event at the Ivy to add some glamour - the Ivy needs to get out more;
  • Justin and Jessica are back together;
  • Kelly's lipstick was a bit smudged after a night out;
  • Palin says she didn't cry because everyone said she was horrible;
  • Rebekah kept her job but sacked 200 of her team;
  • Rebekah thinks she can ride out this storm - but she can't;
  • Rebekah is so deluded she doesn't realise she will be forever linked to the mess that is News of the World;
  • its not been a great week for men called Andy;
  • Dec is going out with his ex-girlfriend’s best friend - that is always such a good idea!;
  • lots of Harry Potter people went to the pictures to see the picture they just made;
  • Katie says she won’t get married again as it costs too much - well if you didn’t get married so often, stopped changing into six dresses when you do get married it might be a bit cheaper!; and
  • Pat decided she didn’t want to be in EastEnders anymore.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

News of the World

I know I said I would keep out of the News of the World row, but really ...

Apparently according to that Rebekah woman, she isn't to blame as she was on holiday when all these things happened so it is not her fault, and apparently this afternoon she told the 200 people that have just lost their jobs to blame The Guardian!

I have met some people that are oblivious, self-obsessed and full of themselves - but wow nothing on this scale!

News of the World

I am not going to get involved in all the dirt that is the News of the World except to note that Cameron is planing to set up some enquiries. He is trying to decide whether these enquiries should be under oath or not. What a funny thing to have to decide.

On the one hand, do I have an enquiry where people have to tell the truth or suffer criminal action consequences, or should I have one where people can pop along for a chat if they feel like it and tell us anything they want? Tough decision.

Oh and while I am on the subject, the headquarters of News International looks like a right dump!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Cool

Now you know me, I am not one for standing on old fashioned ways of doing things and being a sticker for doing things 'properly' but really there are limits.

I have just received a work email addressed 'hey David', which is bad enough, but it goes on to suggest that 'if I am cool with the proposal …'

Well I am not 'cool' with the proposal, I am unlikely to be 'cool' with anything.

What I might be 'is an agreement with the suggestion' but I will most definitely not be 'cool'!

Fashion

Note to the young gentleman I spotted at the train station. Your outfit was bang on trend, with high fashion shoes, this season's chinos with rough turned up cuffs, plunging t-shirt and full glamour shades.

Only one small point - it was 6:30 in the morning and chucking it down!

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Checkouts

At the time of morning I go to Sainsbury’s there are only ever one or two checkouts open. So bit of a restricted choice this morning either, Checkout Nervy where the young girl jumps with fright every time the scanner beeps, or checkout nosey, where she passes comment on every item as she scans it (you might remember, she was the one that picked up one of my items from the delicatessen and asked ‘do you eat these? With my response 'no, I buy them and then chuck them straight in the bin when I get home'. We haven't spoken since).

But just in time before I made my depressing choice I spotted a checkout at the far end of the store with a long queue. I think everyone else had come the reluctant conclusion that a long queue was the best option!

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Dear David - Camouflage

Dear David

I saw your response about Farah trousers and wondered if you had any advice about wearing Camouflage Cargo pants?

David Responds

Unless you are expecting a terrorist attack as you wander around the Metro Centre, I suggest leaving camouflage clothes to the armed services.

If you do need camouflage as you walk around the Metro Centre carrying a Greggs pasty would be much more effective!

Friday, 1 July 2011

Celebrity Week

A look at this week’s celebrities:
  • Cheryl had a birthday and dyed her hair;
  • Cheryl dyed her hair because she is thinking about getting back with Ashley;
  • Harry has been linked to a number of ‘new girlfriends’ - which means he isn’t seeing any of them;
  • Zoe left the Apprentice when it should have been that ratbag Melody (Helen to win);
  • Peter and Abbey got married;
  • Peter and Abbey didn’t sell their wedding pictures to Hello, so we get to see them for free - wow how lucky are we?;
  • After spending a fortnight in the Caribbean and the weekend in Glastonbury, Wayne and Colleen have gone on holiday to the French Riviera;
  • Colleen got some new swimming outfits and Wayne still had his hair;
  • Wayne is fed up because he has to go back to work on Monday;
  • Wayne is wondering if anyone will notice his new hair when he goes back to work on Monday;
  • Wayne and Colleen took their family on holiday with them;
  • Someone thought Wayne and Colleen were on location for new series of ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’;
  • William and Catherine are in Canada for a few days;
  • the Queen loaned Catherine a brooch, but she says she wants it back when she gets home because she got it when she first went to Canada in 1951 and there isn’t a mark on it and it comes up like new every time she wears it;
  • Catherine wore a red hat and a white dress because it is Canada day (if you live in Canada you have to wear a white dress and a red hat on 1 July each year) - she was going to cut down her wedding dress, but she has been that busy what with one thing or another so she hasn’t had time so she bought a new white dress especially for the day instead;
  • Katherine (Jenkins not duchess of) and Gethin went to Wimbledon to see Andy fail to get to the finals again;
  • TOWIE’s Mark and Lauren were in a gondola in Las Vegas! (that is what is says here);

Dear David - email

Dear David

My son is about to get married, but I really don't like my future daughter-in-law. Should I email her and tell her that I don't like her?

David Responds

Err, you might want to think carefully about that one!