Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Mascara

Straying as bit out of my area of expertise on this one but, I have just seen a TV advert for mascara.  This particular one is being advertised as giving a 'false lash effect'.  Not sure I understand this, is the mascara meant to make it look like you are wearing false eyelashes?  If so then I really don't understand!

Oh and just to make it more confusing, the woman in the photo ad campagin is wearing false eyelashes to advertise mascara that makes it look like you are wearing false eyelashes.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Flog It

Just seen an old dear on Flog It sell a plate for £2,000.  She was so excited and said now she could afford to travel around Britain on a holiday.

'Where do you want to go?' asked the even more excited presenter.

'Lincoln' was the reply.

I have to stop watching this programme!

Monaco Grand Prix

Bit of an car smash at the Grand Prix today when an accident was reported on the BBC.  the newscaster told us the accident happened when the driver 'lost control of the back of the car'.

Not sure I understand that - if you have control of the front of the car, does the back of the car not just follow!

Friday, 27 May 2011

Dear David - Take That Concert

Dear David

I am going to see Take That and the Pet Shop Boys, and I need some advice on clothes to wear, and is it acceptable to take my pork pie to eat?


David Responds

Ah yes, summer concerts have started and well done on getting a ticket to a great show. But with the concerts comes the problem of what to wear as you have just raised.

My observation of concerts is that lots of people don’t make any effort at all - turning up in some ratty old t-shirt and a donkey jacket. This is all wrong.

The key to what to wear is who you are going to see. You should match your outfit to the look and image of your chosen band\artist. It is fine to turn up looking like an old tramp if you are going to see Oasis (are they still on the go?) but if you are going to see someone a bit more glamorous then you should dress accordingly. For example a Kylie concert demands sequins, gloss and glamour.

For your particular concert you have the added complication of it being an outdoor event. (I think it is outdoors - it is in one of those football stadiums isn’t it (or should that be stadia?). So I think layers are the order of the day. 

You can take off a top layer if it gets hot, but remain warm should it become cool. It might be tempting to wear jeans, but if it is likely to rain these will be very uncomfortable if they get wet, so I suggest cotton trousers (linen might get a bit creased with all the sitting and standing) and some comfortable shoes. 

Rather practical advice I am afraid, but an outdoors venue does present problems and it is better to be safe than sorry. 

For a bit of glamour why not add a long trailing chiffon scarf in a bright summer colour. This will be sure to get you noticed and some admiring glances - just make sure you don’t catch it in the doors when you get off the Metro.

Oh and as for your pork pie ….

I am sorry, but that really will not do. I feel quite faint at the thought of you stuffing a pork pie in your pocket for a snack at half time.

Even if it is wrapped in cellophane and kept discretely in a side pocket of your handbag it presents far too many difficulties should you choose to consume it in public.

My best advice is to eat nothing at your (I think young people call it a ‘gig’, I do not) concert. This is less complicated but carry some smelling salts in case you collapse with excitement and lack of food.
Whatever you do - enjoy and have fun.

Celebrity Week

What have our celebrities been up to this week
  • Katie spent £11,000 on bleaching and extending her hair and now it is all falling out - your hair isn’t bits of steel pet it is … well hair;
  • Olivier took Halle to a Kylie concert in Australia - why would you do that, idiot!;
  • Russell got deported from Japan for being a criminal;
  • Ryan has had better weeks;
  • the preacher who predicted the end of the world has had to go back to the newsagents and ask them to start delivering his papers again;
  • Katie sparked pregnancy rumours because her hair fell out;
  • David said even he knew who the footballer was;
  • Cheryl got sacked from US X Factor and is to be replaced by Nicole - you read it here first that Nicole is better at it than Cheryl;
  • Cheryl got sacked because Americans can't understand her Geordie accent, - but they can understand Steve Jones Welsh accent? - Cheryl you shouldn't have upset Paula!;
  • Kerry turned up in Marbella and tried to attach herself to the The Only Way Is Essex lot;
  • Oprah finally packed it in and had her last Oprah Winfrey show; and
  • Geordie Shore started and caused an uproar in Newcastle.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Fashion for a Princess

That President chap had lunch with the Queen yesterday and came round in the evening for a state banquet (it must be costing the Queen a fortune in house keeping). Before lunch the President met The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, just fresh from their honeymoon in the Seychelles. Mrs President looked quite nice in a shocking pink bolero jacket. Your blogger isn't a great fan of mrs President's fashion, but this outfit was quite nice.

And it was way better than the effort Catherine turned up in. Now I know they are doing the 'new royals, new way thing' but I'm sorry but a £175 dress from Reiss just doesn't do it.

Even I would spend more than a couple of hundred pounds to turn out for such an occasion (and as you know, your blogger hardly spends anything at all on clothes).

Really this just isn't good enough, I think they have gone too far the other way. If this continues Catherine will turn into a right 'hausfrau'.

If you remember, Wallis Simpson used to call the Queen Mother (when she was Queen) 'cookie'. Catherine could end as some frump stuck in the middle of no where with a similar nick name.

Catherine take some fashion advice from Princess Anne, or Fergie or Beatrice and Eugene …

ok bad examples - give me a call!

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Parachute

I see that that banker chap from the IMF that got himself into a bit of trouble last week has been given a £250,000 golden parachute.

I'm not being funny, but the last thing you want a parachute made out of is gold!

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Obama in the UK

That President chap popped round to see David Cameron this afternoon.  He was dying to show off his big Presidential car and take David for a drive in it.

Yes well it might be big and flash, but at least our cars can get over a bump in the road!

Monday, 23 May 2011

Ash Cloud and President

I see the ash cloud is already causing problems by forcing that President chap to leave Dublin 12 hours early to avoid being stranded if planes are cancelled tomorrow.

A bit of a disappointment for people in Dublin I am sure, but it has caused chaos in Buckingham Palace.  The Queen is still doing out the spare room for her guests and isn't quite ready for them arriving. 

She was supposed to be getting her spare duvet cover back from the cleaners in the morning but has had to borrow a set off the Duchess of Cornwall.  And Andrew was supposed to be staying over tonight so he has had to go and stay with the Duke of Gloucester.

Then she just realised she didn't have enough in for breakfast in the morning so she had to go back to Camilla's and borrow half a dozen eggs and a bottle of milk.

The Queen thinks she will be pleased when they have gone!

Ash Cloud

I see another volcano has erupted in Iceland sending an ash cloud high into the air.  You might remember this happened last year and caused chaos with flights all over Europe being cancelled for days.

We were told that this one was a little different to last years, but there could still be some disruption to flights.  The man on the news went onto explain that the particles from this volcano were heavier than the ones last year and so should fall into the ocean more quickly and therefore be less likely to travel great distances over Europe causing problems for aeroplanes.

Well that is some good news.

But hang on, didn't we have this all out years ago when Sir Isaac Newton invented the Laws of Gravity.  I am sure he said that gravity causes items to fall to earth at the same speed no matter what they weigh (I think it is the Equivalence principle).  I seem to remember doing an experiment dropping a stone and a feather from a high window to test it.

I am no scientist so maybe my readers can help me out here - has the man on the BBC news got it wrong?

President in Europe

That President chap has popped over from America to visit some places in Europe.

First stop was Ireland where he has met the Teashop of Ireland. I don't know who the Teashop is, but I think he is in charge.

Correction

The President met the Taoiseach of Ireland.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Fractions

One of my correspondents mentioned fractions the other day.  Specifically quarters and sixths.  I found this a little alarming as I don't believe in fractions as they don't exist.

Let me explain.

If I have a chocolate bar and I break it into two pieces, some say I now have two halves of a chocolate bar - I do not, I now have two chocolate bars.

I accept that the two chocolate bars I now have are individually smaller than the original bar - but I do have two chocolate bars.

As a further example of how fractions just confuse things because they don't exist ... imagine I eat three biscuits a day and I decide to reduce my calorie consumption so in future I only have two biscuits a day.  Using fractions this means I have reduced my biscuit consumption by a third. 

Now imagine I do it the other way around.  And each day I eat two biscuits but decide in future to have three each day I will have increased my biscuit consumption by a half. 

This is clearly unfair and a conspiracy by fraction users to confuse!

The Queen again

The Queen had been on all morning doing out the spare room for that President chap that is coming to stay for a few days on Tuesday when William and Catherine popped round.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have just got back from honeymoon. 

'That's all I need' she thought as she saw them from the bedroom window - 'those two with their pics and tales of a lovely time in the  Seychelles when I'm up to my eyes in all this.  They better not be expecting Sunday lunch!

The Queen

The Queen has just got back from a visit to Ireland, and was looking forward to putting her feet up with a weeks worth of Coronation Street and Emmerdale, only to find out that President chap is coming round on Tuesday.

She says she is fed up as she has just sat down and now has to do out the spare room.  She thinks being a Queen isn't all it is cracked up to be!

Saturday, 21 May 2011

End of the World

Dear David
I have heard it is the end of the world today and I don't know what to wear. Please help.

David Responds

This is a good question and was something I hadn't thought about until an hour or so ago - so your question is just in time.

Perhaps if I share my thoughts about what I should wear it would help?

At first I thought I might wear my new Versace as I haven't worn it yet and it seems a waste not to give it an outing.  But then I thought it might make me look a bit flash and if God is one of those boring gods that goes on about 'spending money on clothes when there are poor people in the world' it might get a bit uncomfortable.

Also he might be in a bit of a mood so I don't want to stand out and leave me open to him spotting me and saying 'hey you in the Versace, come here we will start with you'.

So I think something tasteful but understated.  I have heard there will be an earthquake - but no mention of floods otherwise I would advise against jeans (which might get wet and be difficult to get dry) so a nice pair of smart jeans and a white top.  I think white will have a subliminal effect, suggesting purity and innocence.

But you need to think about your ultimate destination. Heaven always looks a bit draughty to me and the other place looks over warm, so perhaps a light cardigan over your outfit would be a good move, then you can take it off if it is too warm.

I think comfortable shoes rather than killer heels would be advisable as with over 6 billion people to process you could be hanging around for a while!

This blog will continue throughout the end of the world and I will be broadcasting from somewhere or other in due course.

End of the World

We have had a bit more information about the end of the world.  Apparently the world will end at 18:00 tonight (Saturday 21 May 2011).

This is a bit inconvenient.

I am in the middle of a book I am enjoying and I don't have time to finish it today plus there is an Inspector Morse on ITV3 I haven't seen and now I will never know how it will end!

Friday, 20 May 2011

Celebrity Week

What have the Celebrities been doing this week - in case you missed it:

  • Fergie got hypnotised for a show in America - funny that, they were trying to put her to sleep while I was trying to stay awake;
  • Cheryl wore some blue trousers, (or is that pants?);
  • Dannii left X Factor and we are getting Gary Barlow instead - can we not just keep Dannii;
  • Alex has been spending a lot of time in Cannes:
  • Alex has never been in a movie;
  • The Queen had garlic for dinner in Dublin;
  • Colleen wore some high heels;
  • Cheryl went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway (start with raspberry ice);
  • Oprah was having farewell shows in America - she is dragging it out a bit, I thought she finished ages ago;
  • Jeremy is living on his own now after a bit of an argument with his wife - and comes after rumours he had an affair with Jemima Khan (yeah right - he wishes);
  • Arnold is living on his now as well;
  • Pop star to Opera star 2011 competitors are announced with Geordie Joe in the line-up - from X-Factor winner to washed-up in one leap!

End of the World

Apparently it is the end of the world on 21 May 2011 - again. I say again as we have had several 'ends of the world' over recent years and we are still here.

These statements about the end of the world are bandied about all the time but they are never very precise and not well defined. I only make the point as the end of the world is fairly important so you would think they would have thought it out properly.

For example, the statement is that the end of the world will happen on 21 May 2011. Presumably that means it has to be 21 May 2011 everywhere on the planet, otherwise the world will end in some places on 20 May 2011 - and that would not fulfil the prophecy. I don't remember the bit that says 'the world will end on such and such a date except for Toga, where the world will end a day earlier.

Add into this the recent decision by Samoa to move the International Date Line (see earlier blog entry) then we have a recipe for confusion.

At a practical level, if the world ends on Saturday, will it be in the morning or later in the day? This is important because if it is mid morning for example, then I won't bother going to Sainsbury's first thing for my weekly shop as I normally do, and will just make do with what I have in. But if it is going to be in the evening then I might as well go and get something nice for lunch - I might even get a pack of chocolate doughnuts as a bit of a treat!

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Shopping for 18s

From my postbag

Dear David

What does one buy a young man on his 18th Birthday these days?

David Responds

This is a perennial question as it can be so difficult to resolve. Fashion changes and as you get older your perspective changes making it more difficult to find the right answer.

You don’t describe your relationship to the young man in question (family, contemporary etc) but follow my top tips to find your way out of this tricky situation:

If you are a parent - don’t try to give a ‘cool gift‘, your efforts will not be appreciated and you will invariably get it wrong;

If you are a favourite aunt\uncle, then you have a little leeway to try for cool. Your nephew will view you differently to his parents so you might get away with a cool gift and increase his regard for you at the same time. Unfortunately I don’t know the young man in question so I can’t advise on the particular gift (for example a telescope might be so cool for him, but probably so uncool for most). I will have to leave this to your judgement. But see below for some dos and don’ts no matter who the man is:

Don’t buy:


  • Clothes (unless you have been given very clear guidance on what to buy);
  • Ditto footwear;
  • Anything from Marks and Spencer;
  • Pyjamas;
  • Beauty products\spot preparations of any description (no matter how badly you feel they are needed)
  • After shave (you will by the wrong brand - and no you still can’t buy Brut);
Consider
  • Vouchers if you must - but try Amazon or itunes instead of WH Smith;
  • A beer hamper (lots of different beers and eating things in a big basket)
  • A foolproof omelette pan if University is on the horizon;
  • Games accessories (make sure he doesn’t already have them though)
If all else fails - there isn’t an 18 year old on the planet that will not happy accept money!

Fancy Dress Parties

From my postbag

Dear David

I have been invited to a fancy dress party and I have no idea what to wear - please help.

David Responds

Oh dear, the fancy dress question. This is tricky unless you understand the point of a fancy dress occasion and know how to avoid the many traps laid by your host. Let me explain.

A fancy dress party is not held so guests can have a good time, the point of a fancy dress party is for the host to get a fantastic outfit and show everyone up. Remember your host has probably been thinking about holding this event for weeks or months so will have had the pick of the 'fancy dress shop' or lots of time to think about and make their own creation.

So be aware you go to a fancy dress party at a disadvantage.

But follow my top tips to get the best from fancy dress parties:
  • For gentlemen avoid the 'cross dressing' trap, you cannot win in this scenario. You will either look like a truck driver in a frock, or if you put time, effort and money into it and make a 'passable' woman, you will be open to accusations of enjoying the experience a little too much;
  • For ladies do not fall into the trap of applying 'hideous make-up' (a la witches) to your face, you can be assured that your host will have full face and perfect make-up;
  • Don't hire your outfit from a shop, they say they clean them after every use - they do not;
  • Think about how you are going to get to and from the venue before deciding your outfit - if you are on the bus, then it might be best not to go as a giant chicken;
  • Fancy dress outfits rarely have pockets (this detail is usually forgotten) - so keep a folded £10 note in your shoe, in case of high jinx and you end up abandoned in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home;
  • Make sure your head is easily detachable (your costume head not your real head) in case you have a panic attack, and so you can eat and drink in comfort;
  • Consider the season before deciding your outfit - if it is high summer do not go as 'the mummy'; far too warm for a hot evening;
  • If the party is themed - stick to the theme, but make sure your costume is easily identifiable. For example, if the theme is children's stories or fairytales and you go as Peter Pan, make it obvious who you are - otherwise you will spend all night telling everyone you are not a pixie;
  • Don't go as a pixie unless you are petite - you don't get big pixies.
Enjoy if you can, but fancy dress parties are beset with problems and are best avoided.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Soaps

Do you remember a time when you could watch soaps and you didn't need a hotline number to call at the end of it!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Eurovision in the Laughing Donkey

Another Eurovision this weekend and another night in the Laughing Donkey.

Those of you unfamiliar with the events calendar of the clientele of the Laughing Donkey might not realise that Eurovision is a highlight of the social year. It comes just after New Year’s Eve and local Pride as the next biggest night of the season.

Except for your blogger - I have never really been into Eurovision I stopped watching it when Katie Boyle left.

For the evening you have two choices, either go out and watch it in the bars or stay in and watch it on TV. You must do one or the other. If you are staying in to watch on TV it is quite usual to invite friends round and make them watch it with you - as they wolf all your gypsy creams and polish off your best sherry.

I have never entertained on Eurovision night and always go out and get made to watch it on the TV in the bar. But I did enter into the spirit of the thing this year and bought a sweep stake ticket for £1 - (sold to me by this charming young man who normally works behind the bar but was selling tickets and playing records tonight) my chosen country Bosnia Herzegovina did better than expected and at one point I was this close to the £75 prize - but it wasn’t to be.

This young lady I have never seen before won second prize of £25 voucher for beauty products of her choice, and it has to be said, never was a prize so needed.

The night started fairly quiet but picked up once the show was over and those ‘partying’ at home came into the city to carry on the evening. Added to the regulars was a lively group of hen nighters with a ‘Katie Price’ theme. It was quite bizarre and a little alarming to be surrounded by six Katie Prices!

The Laughing donkey was in full Eurovision mode with every song a previous Eurovision entry - who knew there were so many Euro songs!

Katie Boyle and Sandie Shaw

It was much better in those days

North Weekend

I see Radio 1 had a Big weekend in Carlisle this week (yes really Carlisle). Saw a bit of an item on the local news where they reported that big stars like Olly Murs were appearing. I know Lady Gaga is there tonight (love to see her face when she gets there) sorry but it just looked cold and miserable to me - the reporter looked sick of her life!

And over on this side of the country Whitley Bay’s football team were celebrating winning something or other with an open topped bus ride through the town. The town centre was packed with four people standing on a street corner waving.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Speculate

Bit of an item on the news about in incident being investigated by the police. The lead police person was asked for comments but replied that it was ‘too early to speculate’ on what had happened.

Sorry but I have to take issue with this statement. The incident had just occurred and exactly what had happened is unknown, so it seems precisely the right time to speculate on what happened. 

It will be too late to speculate once they have worked out the sequence of events and the mystery is solved!

Question

Is it always wrong to tell a small child it is only two weeks to Christmas even if it is only the middle of May?

Halves Again

There has been another report about children in the media.
Apparently half of children feel stress due to pressure from their parents when taking exams.

That is another half to add to the two haves identified earlier in the week.  This makes three halves - now I am even more confused!

Have you noticed how it is always halves? Do children ever do things in quarters?

International Date Line

I see Samoa has decided it doesn't like where it is in the South Pacific, or more accurately it doesn't like which side of the International Date Line it sits, so it has decided to move. So in December they are going straight from 29 December to 31 December. This means they will be in line with Tonga rather than the US.

This is all very well and probably not something I need to worry about (after all I rarely need to visit the International Date Line) but I think I should have been consulted before this decision was made.

As you know I am trying to tidy the Universe up a bit (move the planets around a bit so that they are more evenly spaced, move the sun back a bit so it isn't quite so bright on winter mornings, that sort of thing) and it is quite time consuming so I could do without people here making changes and moving things around without consultation or thinking of the consequences. For example, what if everyone decided they wanted to move the International Date Line because they didn't like today's date? There could be duplicate dates or missing dates all over the place. What about Greenwich Mean Time (you might be aware of GMT - it is a line painted on the floor in a room in Greenwich), has anyone thought of that? Does it need to be moved as well?

I don't even suppose they have thought about how they are going to move the International Date Line, it looks quite big and difficult to handle. Are they just going to lift it up and move it over Samoa and put it on the other side. That looks really tricky to me.

The whole thing just hasn't been thought through and has got shambles written all over it!

Socks ... Last Word

Following a recent discussion, I would like confirm that the sock rules apply to ladies as well as gentlemen…

… and you know who you are miss!

Friday, 13 May 2011

Celebrity Review

A quick catch up on what our favourite celebrities have been doing this week:
  • Katie had a night out with her boyfriend without wearing any make-up (it was Katie that had no make up on, not Leandro) - I've seen the pictures, word of advice pet, get your make-up bag out again;
  • Rosie Huntington-Whiteley wore some shorts (no, I've never heard of her either);
  • Sarah Jessica Parker had big hair - sorry love this look isn't for you, far too much lacquer on it (do they still call it lacquer?);
  • Judy had big hair as well, and that didn't work either;
  • Eliza Doolittle wore a short dress, but still didn't say 'Oi'm a good girl oi am' on stage;
  • the celebrities are all wearing white lace - with Angelina Jolie and Penelope Cruz leading the way;
  • Greta Scacchi says she knows she has lost her looks as she hasn’t turned any heads for ten years - it might be a bit longer than that;
  • Greta Scacchi is about to play Bette Davis - you wish pet;
  • The Queen got a winner on the horses - she was delighted as she had a £1 on to win;
  • the Queen got a peck on the cheek off Camilla but wishes she hadn‘t;
  • Eva Longoria wore some shorts to go shopping, while her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz wore some shorts on the beach - according to reports he looked in great shape - looked like he could lose a few pounds to me;
  • Enrique decided he had had enough of being support to Britney, so now he is going to have his own tour;
  • Enrique is 35 - how did that happen, was only yesterday he was 20!;
  • Katie decided she had had enough of going out without make-up on so she wore a little bit on a night out with her boyfriend Leandro, Michelle Heaton and her current husband Hugh Hanley;
  • Michelle (Collins not Heaton) started work as the new landlady in Corrie;
  • Prescott was on Piers telling us all about his affair - just when we had all managed to wipe the image from our minds

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

11 May 2010

It is a year today since Gordon Brown went to Buckingham Palace to resign as Prime Minister.

The Queen said she remembers it very well as she missed Emmerdale that night waiting for Gordon to call round and she never did find out what Cain Dingle said to Charity about the robbery.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

More Reality

I notice we have a new programme starting tonight where they take homeless people and let them move in with celebrities for two weeks. In the first show, some poor homeless person is forced to live with Colin and Justin for a fortnight. 

I think I would rather stay on the strrets!

Corrie

Bit of a dramatic\comedy moment on Corrie last night when Marc finally told Rula Lenska he was a cross dresser.

Much comment in the media today on the three way scenes between Audrey, Marc and Claudia with a commentator saying the story was unrealistic as Marc was the ugliest trannie he had ever seen.

There speaks a man who has never been in the Laughing Donkey on a Saturday night!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Washing Machine

Bit of an excursion after work tonight to buy a new washing machine.  How exciting.

I was quickly descended on by an assistant very keen to tell me how washing machines work - how she thought I had managed to wash my clothes for 30 years without such knowledge is beyond me, still she seemed quite happy to go through her routine. 

And anyway it is quicker to let them go on than to try and shut them up.

Machine chosen and delivery arranged we got the the horrible bit.  Trying to sell me warranty insurance.

Again it is easier to let them go on than try and shut them up so I let her go through all the details and then said, 'no thank you very much I don't want it'.  She was a bit surprised when I said that.

She reminded me that I would be covered if, for instance, I left some nails and screws in a pocket and they damaged the drum.

Well really, how likely is it that I am going to have nails and screws in my pocket.  I said I was unmovable on the subject and she asked me why I didn't want the insurance as at only £7 a month it was a bargain.

I asked her a question first - 'Are you saying that the machine I am buying is of such poor quality that it will break down after only a year of use?' 

She was horrified 'Oh no' she said, 'it is a very good machine'.

'Well then, why do I need insurance?'

She couldn't answer that one!

Halves

According to reports in the papers today, half of all parents let young children watch inappropriate programmes on TV. Another report says that half of all parents say their children's grades are suffering due to too much internet access.

Is the second half of the parents the same as the other half of parents? Or are the second half of parents the other half to the first half of parents? Or are they a different half altogether - this is very confusing!

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Elections

After all the excitement of the elections this week there is the inevitable fallout ...
The Liberal Democrats have decided that the Tories are 'ruthless, calculating and totally tribal', has it taken you a year to work that one out?

In Scotland the leader of the Liberal Democrats has resigned after losing eleven of their sixteen MPs.  He said it is time for the party to elect a new leader.  Well it won't take an Alternative Vote system to do that ... perhaps a coin?

And over in Northern Ireland, who knows, two days after the election they are still counting the votes! 

Socks Again

My earlier post about socks has prompted a flurry of interest and a request for further advice as the latest spring fashion from the catwalks is to wear dress suits and shoes without socks. My correspondent asks ’is this ok?’.

I am sorry but this is a bit of trap for the unwary fashionista. It looks fantastic on the catwalk with some Versace model striding up and down with a couture suit, high end shoes and no socks, but I am sorry dear reader, life is not like that.

Try walking round town all afternoon or B&Q for an hour in dress shoes and no socks and then tell me your feet feel great.

I am sorry but the point of socks is that they protect your feet from leather shoes. Admire this look from afar - but keep your socks on.

Having said that, the more advanced fashionista knows fashion is not about comfort, it is about the look. So if you are prepared for agony in the foot area go ahead, you know what you are getting into!

Tyne Bridge Tower

If you have been across the Tyne Bridge recently you will have probably noticed the construction works on the Tyne Bridge Tower.  It has been empty for ages and they are pulling it down - but due to its location, it is coming down brick by brick (if you can have bricks with 70s concrete). 

To keep the works out of view they have covered the whole building in plastic sheeting - I don't know why they have done that we all know what they are doing. And anyway we will be able to tell when they take the sheeting off and there is no building !

Friday, 6 May 2011

Celebrity Review

Well back to earth for this week’s celebrity review, not sure I can continue as all the glamour seems to have gone:
  • Lorenzo got married for the fifth time, still looking fantastic in his 50s;
  • Catherine wore a dress from Zara for her first day as a new wife - the dress was too short at the back;
  • Kirstie wore a bra and let everyone see her straps;
  • Cheryl got to judge US X Factor after all; Cheryl is taking elocution lessons for when she goes to work in America (elocution lessons for Americans to understand - yes really) - she is being taught to say 'pants' instead of 'trousers' - I am not sure Cheryl was planning to say 'your act is trousers', but I suppose they know what they are doing;
  • Cheryl is being taught to say 'yes of course' instead of whey aye pet';
  • Cheryl is learning to drink her Newcastle Brown Ale from the schooner glassware used to serve beer in the United States;
  • Courtney and Brad had dinner together - Jennifer wasn't invited;
  • Catherine went shopping in Waitrose,
  • Catherine pushed a shopping trolley in the car park;
  • Catherine thought 'stuff this for a game of soldiers, when do I get to wear tiaras and open places;
  • Kelly got a new boyfriend only a month after chucking her British 'rocker' boyfriend (whatever a 'rocker' is);
  • Paul asked Nancy to marry him - silly old fool, did he learn nothing from Heather;
  • Nick wished he had never heard of AV.

Reporting

After all the excitement of the royal wedding, GM Daybreak TV has had to go back to reporting boring serious things like politics (oh and puppy dogs leaping up to burst bubbles). So with lots of elections being held on Thursday they had lots to report on Friday.

Sue Jameson drew the short straw this time and had to stand outsdie Birmingham coucil offices at 6 o'clock this morning.

Why do they do that - make someone stand outside an empty building and tell us what they could just have easily done from the studio?

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Socks

From my postbag.

Dear David, I have been wearing socks for many years but wonder if I have been doing anything wrong. Can you give me some tips for wearing socks?

Ah yes - socks. Those most neglected of clothing items. For men (and I am restricting advice in this response to men) socks are often a necessity rather than something we choose to wear. They form a functional role in protecting your feet from potential chafing caused by shoes. This does not mean they should be ignored, so follow my top tips for carefree sock wearing:


  • When standing socks should not be visible to the casual observer;
  • When seated keep the amount of visible sock to a bare minimum;
  • In no circumstances should flesh between the top of your sock and the bottom of your trousers be visible; breaking this rule could make some observers with delicate constitutions faint or be physically unwell;
  • Socks should match your trousers not your shoes;
  • Never wear white socks except with sporting outfits;
  • Never wear sport socks with dress shoes, (they are too bulky and will just feel wrong);
  • Don't wear 'novelty' socks. You may be given them as gifts, (if your friends give you novelty socks as gifts - change your friends), if so then wear them in the house (if you must) - never out of the house. Wearing socks with Mickey mouse on them and other such things at work for example, will at best make people think you are a bit of a joker, or what I think the Americans call 'a goofball';
  • Don't roll down or fold socks when wearing them. Your socks should be pulled up straight to mid calf length to give a slim line look;
  • Keep your socks in your sock drawer. Don't roll your socks into a ball, this will make them misshapen and potentially stretch\break the elastic in the top of the sock. Arrange in pairs and fold each pair in two. (Or four if you have lots of socks and limited space);
  • Never wear socks with shorts; (and it goes without saying never with sandals - oh make this one easier, if you have any sandals, throw them in the bin now).

Monday, 2 May 2011

Night Out

Well it was another night in the Laughing Donkey in celebration of Mr H’s birthday.

The bar was still resplendent in its royal wedding decoration, well I suppose two streamers and a box of balloons don’t come cheap and they might as well have their money’s worth.

It was however bank holiday hen night hell, with troupes from all over paying us a visit. One group I got chatting to had travelled all the way from Stockton - a great miss to the drinking dens of that town I am sure.

They were playing a little game of giving people cards with printed ‘hen night antics’ on them. Very daring - but a card passed to me saying ‘kiss a man’ seemed to lose its piquancy considering where we were.

Miss Pink was on sparkling form as we chatted and she sipped from her glass of wine, the wine was her favourite type - the sort with grapes and alcohol in it. She was fresh from her visit to Beverly Hills and regaled me with tales of her happy holiday. She was very complimentary about my shirt, saying how nice it looked and how well it had survived almost intact from its many trips in my washing machine.

She thinks I was too drunk to pick up on that comment - but I wasn’t! Just wait dear.

Beatrice and Eugene

Last word …

I cant’ let the wedding go without mentioning Beatrice and Eugene. I shall spare comment on the particular outfits they treated us to at the wedding - plenty of others have covered those two particular disasters. No I have more general advice.

Beatrice - you are fifth in line to the throne, you must have access to the best stylists that tax payers money can buy. Please listen to them.

Eugene - when it comes to make-up - less is more. Your eye make up is far to heavy for a young girl - take some fashion tips from Camilla (there is a sentence I never thought I would say) and lighten up the mascara.

And for both of you - you need to get some other friends, you always come as a matched pair, you invite one - you get the other one. If you keep this up you will never get husbands and will be doomed to spend the rest of your lives as a parody of pantomime sisters - if such a thing is possible.