Saturday, 16 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people found out who they will be dancing with on Strictly;
  • some people found out they only had two weeks work;
  • Tomasz went to Tampa;
  • Tomasz got a new red over jacket;
  • Gigi lost a heel;
  • the Queen was given the first new £10 note;
  • the Queen put the first new £10 note in her handbag; 
  • the Queen said 'that will do nicely for the bookies this afternoon';
  • Madonna brought a new DVD out;
  • Theresa is planning a speech;
  • Boris decided to get in first;
  • Boris said 'now where did I put that bus'; and
  • 'Rooney party girl' is now a person. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George and Amal went to Venice;
  • the Queen said she was off to open a bridge;
  • Philip said he thought it looked nice and that they probably put on a good buffet so thought he might come with her;
  • the Queen said she thought he was doing that back fence before the winter set in;
  • Kate thought she would have another baby;
  • George had his first day at school; 
  • George thought ‘stuff this for a game of soldiers’; 
  • Wayne said Colleen shouldn’t have ten holidays a year; 
  • some people baked some biscuits;
  • Theresa said she wasn't a robot;
  • Theresa said she would exterminate anyone who said she was a robot;
  • Conor went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • Camilla named a ship HMS Prince of Wales;
  • Camilla said 'eeh that's what my husband is called';
  • Camilla said 'not my first husband I meant the one I have now'; and
  • Boris went to Estonia.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Donald said he would go to Texas;
  • Texas said 'haven't we suffered enough'; 
  • Theresa went to Japan;
  • Theresa thought she might get a new video recorder while she was in Japan;
  • George went to school;
  • some new people baked some cakes - it took ages because of all the adverts;
  • Some people did some boxing;
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be Prime Minister at the next election – that should be nice; 
  • Some footballers stopped being transferred; 
  • Mike said ‘I’m not buying any of those, they are dead expensive’; 
  • Wayne said ‘What’s that blue flashing light?’; 
  • Wayne said ‘eeh officer I’ve had a dead good night’: 
  • Wayne said ‘What you want me to blow in that bag for … are your chips hot … ha ha that always makes me laugh’; and 
  • Madonna moved to Lisbon. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was stacking shelves at the back of the Patisserie this morning ...

I had to call out to her to get her attention ....

'Hello dear' I shouted Agatha stopped doing what she was doing and turned to face the counter.

'Oh my good Lord, what happened to you' I exclaimed when I saw her properly

'What do you mean' she said

'Well your face ... what's happened?'

'Oh that, what with starting an hour later I have a bit more time in the morning, I thought I would put a bit of make up on.'

'Oh is that what it is, I thought you had had a fall. I didn’t know you could get black lipstick’

‘It’s not black, it’s crushed plum’.

‘Well, it’s very nice whatever it is, it goes with those lines under your eyes. You have drawn them quite deep haven’t you.’

‘I haven’t drawn lines under my eyes.’

‘Oh sorry. Did you know you get little creases in your lipstick when you purse your lips like that.’

’Look what do you want, I’ve got a queue forming.’ I could see Agatha was getting a bit tense so I ordered my usual and left.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen said 'If you have nothing to do you can put up that shelf in the spare room;
  • the Queen said 'Did you put that shelf up?'
  • Philip said 'i didn't have time to get round to it, I've been busy with things';
  • The Queen said 'You were sitting in that chair when I went out first thing this morning;
  • Bradley is going to be a companion;
  • some people are going to start baking; and
  • some people are going to start boxing;
  • Mel has silver hair; 
  • Mark earned $68 million last year – what a  lot of money; 
  • Andrew isn’t going to do Sunday Politics anymore; and
  • Wayne isn't going to play for England again;
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Sarah had some booze after winning CBB - sorry that should say Boos; and
  • Jenna is going to be Victoria again; 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'
'Yes.'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom jumped off a building; 
  • Tom almost landed on another building; 
  • Tom said 'Ouch'; 
  • David built a castle; 
  • David said 'I've got three pieces left over'; 
  • Daniel said he thought he might quite like to be James again; 
  • Cheryl gets up an hour before her baby to do some online workouts; 
  • Cheryl does kick boxing or yoga in the afternoon when her baby is asleep; 
  • Cheryl obviously doesn’t do double shifts at Greggs; 
  • Tom broke his ankle; 
  • Tom is over 50 and shouldn’t be jumping off buildings; 
  • Leo and Kate went to St Tropez;
  • David and Victoria were in Malibu; 
  • Donald fired someone;
  • Donald said 'who can I fire next, I like doing this'; and
  • some more people are doing Strictly.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.