Saturday, 18 August 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people are going to do Strictly; and 
  • some other people you have never heard of are going into a house;
  • Idris thought he would quite like to be James;
  • Peter offered Katie a branch - what a funny thing to do;
  • Katie sold her pink horse box – the horse box is pink, not the horse; 
  • Mike bought a department store; 
  • Mike’s department store website was taken off-line; 
  • Mike should stick to Sports Direct tat; 
  • Danny thought he probably wouldn’t go to Jersey for a while;
  • Madonna was 60 - they never play Madonna’s best tune; 
  • Wayne and Colleen are going to Washington - they will be able to go shopping at the Gallaries;
  • Katie wants to do Strictly on Ice; and 
  • Imran became Prime Minister - talking of Prime Ministers ... i wonder where ours is, I've not seen her for ages.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual’ as Agatha got my order I said ’you will never guess’

‘What’ said Agatha

‘I saw sister Immaculatta again in the week, I’ve not seen her for ages and then that’s two weeks in a row.’

‘Oh, is that all.’

‘She was coming out the off-licence with a brown paper bag and a packet of mints, she said she had just been in to get the communion wine for the holy father.’


‘You don’t think of that do you?’


‘Nuns with mints, I mean you never see nuns eating mints do you?’

‘I suppose not, I’ve never thought about it.’ Agatha placed my items on the counter

‘I said to sister Immaculatta I didn’t know you were allowed to eat mints, she said it was fine, they were allowed to eat mints just so long as they didn’t sell them on the black market. I said “what?” I was really shocked, she said she was only joking, she said there was nothing in the bible about nuns not eating mints. Well there wouldn’t be would there … I said … there weren’t any nuns, not then, not when Jesus was around. They came later didn’t they … round about the time of Audrey Hepburn, I saw that film where she was a nun, dead sad it was, I think she went out to Africa, but she never ate any mints, but then it was in black and white, the film that is not Africa, so you probably wouldn’t see the mints, not if they were polos, because they are white mints, or what’s the other ones called, the ones that are dead strong, they are mints and they are extra strong … what they called again? Anyway I can’t eat them, they are dead strong.

Agatha was rolling her eyes ‘Was there anything else?’ she asked

‘Err no, just my usual is fine.’

I picked up my things and left. It is not often you get to have a nice conversation about nuns and a packet of mints.

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kim is still building nuclear weapons - eeh and after he said he would stop as well;
  • Britney sang some songs;
  • Leonardo wore a snorkel; 
  • Tom said he was thinking of packing in acting;
  • Theresa went to see Nicola;
  • Nicola said 'not her again, what does she want this time?';
  • Katie spent £45 million – I suppose spray tans are quite expensive;
  • Sandi got mistaken for Tom;
  • Boris thought he would like to be Prime Minister again - Boris has had two chances to go for it and bottled it at the last minute every time;
  • David thought he might sell his swimming pool painting for £62 million;
  • Mike bought a department store for £90 million – you couldn’t even buy a footballer for that; and
  • Mariah had a scheduling conflict – I think that means she was late; 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ I thought I would strike up a little conversation while Agatha got my items.

‘I saw sister Immaculata of the holy rosary the other day.’

‘mmm’ acknowledged Agatha

‘She was in the high street.’

‘mmm’ said Agatha as she got my medium sliced multi-seeded off a shelf.

‘I’ve not seen her for ages.’


‘Of course the vicar doesn’t really approve.’


‘Not with mixing with the Catholics.’


‘Not that he has anything against the Catholics of course.’


‘He says some of his best friends are the Catholics.’


‘Well not his best friends exactly’ I laughed ‘not sure the bishop would be very happy about that.’


‘but he says he knows some Catholics.’


‘Well one, he used to know one.’

‘mmm’ replied Agatha ‘do you want your melbas in a box?’

‘Mary Mopp, it was, well she was really called Mary Moss but we used to call her Mary Mopp because she was a char down the social. We used to have a laugh about that we did … Mary Mopp. Ha ha’


‘Never said it within her hearing of course, what with him being the vicar, not sure she would have liked that.’


‘Probably thought it inappropriate.’


‘But we did have a laugh about it.’ Agatha put my boxed melbas on the counter ‘Was there anything else, I’ve got a queue forming?’

‘No thanks’ I said as I picked up my items.

Sometimes you can’t get a word in with that woman

Saturday, 4 August 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa went for a walk - last time she went for a walk we had to have a general election;
  • Kate was 60 and Emily was 200 - what a coincidence; 
  • Salman thought he would quite like to build a city;
  • Geraint won a cycling race;
  • Emanuel was having his holidays in the beaches and vineyards of the south of France;
  • Theresa went to see Emanuel;
  • Theresa said she wanted to discuss her Brexit paper with Emanuel;
  • Emanuel said 'are you kidding me?'
  • Emanuel said he wasn't expecting Theresa and he had nothing in;
  • the Queen said 'eeh that Thomas';
  • Gordon went for dinner in Beverly Hills;
  • Elon lost £500 million;
  • Theresa went on a charm offensive;
  • Theresa said 'what's charm?'; and 
  • Leonardo went incognito in Italy. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.  I was wondering if you have a three for two on?’

‘What? asked Agatha

‘A three for two on.’

‘You mean like in a horse race?’

‘A horse race?’

‘Yes, three for two on.’

‘I never mentioned horses.’

‘Oh ... a three for two on what?’

‘Peach Melbas.’

‘I’ve never heard of that horse, I’ll have to ask around.’

‘What you keep going on about horses for?’

‘You asked if you could get three for two on peach melba. Is it running at York?’

‘No Rene's on the high street ... on peach melbas ... Rene's on the high street has got a three for two on peach melbas.’

‘Oh I see … no.’



‘I could get my peach melbas cheaper at Rene's.’

‘I know, you said, we still aren’t doing them three for two.’

‘I could go to Rene's.’

‘Well go.’

‘It’s miles away.’

‘I know, it’s on the high street. I can’t do you three for two … but I can do you a three for four.’

‘Oh all right, I’ll take that.’

Agatha got me my things and I left. As I headed to the door I heard that ‘Keeeerrrrcchhhinnngggg’ sound again.  I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 28 July 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Cheryl is making a film;
  • Camilla struggled to eat an ice cream;
  • Judy said 'you should have had a magnum';
  • Camilla said 'eeh I couldn't drink, not at this time of day';
  • Donald lost his star;
  • Mark lost $18.8 billion in a couple of hours – eeh what’s he been doing; 
  • Imran thought he would quite like to be a Prime Minister; 
  • Theresa thought about getting on a horse; 
  • Theresa thought her ministers should all go on holiday to Europe – how lovely; 
  • Orlando got cross; 
  • Brigitte had a baby; 
  • Julian might not be able to stay in the embassy much longer; 
  • heresa went to Austria; 
  • James borrowed the most books – sorry that should read James had the most books borrowed; and
  • Tom had his concert cancelled - so it wasn't all bad news.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual'  While Agatha set about getting my sliced multi-seeded I thought I would strike up a bit of conversation. 'I don't suppose Deidre Catchpole has been in this week has she?'

Agatha placed my loaf on the counter 'She has as a matter of fact, she was in of a Wednesday.'

'She wasn't'

'She was.'

'She wasn't'

'She was, I said she was.'

'I'm surprised, I've not seen hide nor hair of her since that incident in the Laughing Donkey.  I thought she was keeping a low profile until the vicar had calmed down.'

'Well she was in.'

'She wasn't.'

'Don't start that again.'

'I wonder what she wanted ... what did she want?'

'I can't tell you that.'

'You can't tell me? why ever  not?'

'Client confidentiality.'

'Client confidentiality!' I exclaimed ... in a bakery?'

'Patisserie.' asserted Agatha

'Patisserie' I corrected '... client confidentiality ... in a Patisserie, I've never heard the like.'

'Would you want all and sundry knowing how many peach melbas you buy?'

'I don't think that is important.'

'and how many mince pies you get through of a Christmas.'

'I might have the occasional mince pie over the holiday period, just to pass around, you understand.'

'special order I have to put in sometimes for extra pies, just to keep up, and what about all those eccles cakes you got through for the World cup, would you want them down the community centre knowing that?.'

'Yes well, let's leave it at that shall we.' I said as I picked up my items and left.

I am going to have to play a bit smarter if I am going to get any information out of her.

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people sang some more ABBA tunes;
  • some French people won the World cup;
  • Theresa wanted to start her summer holidays early;
  • Theresa said she could get a good deal on a fortnight in Benidorm if she cold leave first thing on Friday;
  • Jupiter got twelve new moons – how lovely; 
  • Donald said he hadn’t said something – I am sure he said it, I heard him; 
  • Katie was looking forlorn – aawww; 
  • Pixie said she needed 18 bridesmaids; 
  • Dominic went to Brussels’ 
  • Dominic said ‘eeh isn’t it nice here; and
  • some people will be judging X Factor.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘Oh you’re usual … you don’t want a special item dedicated to the World cup?’

‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘… not some specially created delicacy flown in from the four reaches of the continent’

I’ll have my usual.’ I repeated

‘you don’t want some speciality originally created for Napoleon?’

‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘or something with a sprinkling of unicorn dust.’

‘I don’t want unicorn dust … that’s just daft.’

‘It’s you’ said Agatha putting her hands on her hips ‘you come in here every week with your highfalutin ideas. I don’t get any of this nonsense from my proper customers.’

‘Highfalutin … what’s highfalutin?’

‘Highfalutin … It’s sort of posh and daft … yes … posh daft ideas.’

‘Well I am very sorry if I have inconvenienced you by wanting something a bit different, I suppose if I wanted a pasty in a paper bag that would be all right!’

‘I’ve got pasties in.’

‘I don’t want a pasty.’

‘You just said you did.’

‘I didn’t.

‘You did.’

‘I didn’t.

‘You did, I heard you.’

‘I was being ironic.’



‘Look what do you want, I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘I’ll have my usual.’

Sometimes I don’t think she listens to a word I say.