Saturday, 16 June 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen had her colours troopped - she said they needed doing they were filthy;
  • David went to Brussels;
  • David said 'eeh I've not been here for ages';
  • Kate ran down a hill;
  • The Queen wore a green outfit; 
  • Meghan went on a day out with the Queen; 
  • Julen got sacked from Spain; 
  • Julen told Real Madrid he could start a bit sooner than he thought if they liked; 
  • Charles and Camilla went to Cork; 
  • Charles and Camilla had a walk along the beach;
  • Camilla walked barefoot on the beach;
  • Camilla said Damn I've just put a hole in these tights;
  • some footballers were in Russia; and
  • Christiano scored some goals.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

While Agatha got my items I had a look around the freshly decorated Patisserie. ‘My word’ I said ‘you have got a lot of flags hanging around, what they for.’

‘Oh yes, we were on all night putting them up, they are for the World Cup.’

‘The World Cup? What’s the World Cup got to do with a Patisserie?’

‘Well it’s patriotic.’

‘Is it? I’ll have a patriotic peach melba then, ha ha. Only joking, how does it work then?

How does what work?’

‘Well how do you make the flags work, what do you do?’

‘Err …what? oh I know … you err buy extra cakes from the country that is playing football on the day.’

‘Oh that sounds exciting, who is playing today?’

‘Oh errr …’ Agatha opened the door leading out to the kitchen ‘Margaret’ she shouted
‘Who’s on the football today?’ there were muffled voices from out the back and then Agatha closed the door and returned to the counter.

‘There’s Denmark.’

‘I suppose I could have a couple of Danishes, but that’s not very special.’


‘Do they do cakes?’

‘Iceland then?’

‘I don’t think so.’


‘Oh no.’


‘They do the Dame Nellie Peach Melbas, I get them every week.’

‘Well what about France then?’

‘I suppose ... I could have a Croquembouche.’

‘A what?’ queried Agatha

‘Never mind, I’ll have two French fancies.’

She builds you up and brings you down.

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to the races;
  • the Queen said she felt lucky because she found a fiver in her handbag she had forgotten about;
  • Melania didn't go to Camp David;
  • Sean wore some cargo pants; 
  • Theresa met David; 
  • Theresa said ‘I’m sick of you, you’re getting on me nerves’;
  • Bouncy Knowles started her world tour with Kanye – or is it the other one?; 
  • some soap people won some awards;
  • Meghan had a day out with the Queen;
  • the Queen said 'I'm 92 you know';
  • Harry went back to work after his honeymoon; 
  • Harry said ‘eeh that went by dead quick’; 
  • Theresa went to Canada; T
  • Theresa said ‘I’m fed up with that Boris; and
  • Louis quit X Factor – I quit it years ago.


Agatha was at the Patisserie.

‘Morning dear.’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual

Agatha busied herself getting my items, as she placed my peach melbas in a box I leaned over the counter, and looked over each shoulder, lowering my voice I said ‘I hear you have got some mince pies in’

‘What, what’s that you say?’ said Agatha

‘Mince pies’ I said a little more loudly

‘Mince pies? What about mince pies.’ Asked Agatha

‘Ssshhh not so loud’ I said looking round to see if there were any other customers nearby ‘I heard that you had mince pies in, what with it being near Christmas.’

‘Christmas!’ exclaimed Agatha ‘It’s not Christmas.’

‘I know it’s a bit soon, but someone I know was on about it, he said you had mince pies in, he was quite sure about it.’

‘We haven’t got any.’

‘Are you sure?’


‘Can you not have a look out the back.’

‘Can I not have a look?’



‘Go on.’


‘Go on.’


‘Go on.’

‘If you don’t stop going on I’m calling the manager.’

I only wanted a mince pie, I don’t know what al the fuss was about.

Saturday, 2 June 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Hugh got married;
  • Melania varnished;
  • sorry that should be Melania vanished;
  • BGT continued to sap the energy out of any talent this country might have had;
  • Dec was Ant and Dec;
  • Gordon threw a salmon at a wall - what a strange thing to do;
  • Zinedene packed his job in; and 
  • Matt packed his job in as well;
  • Simon wore a shirt – well most of a shirt; 
  • Rosanne took some sleeping pills; 
  • Apparently racism is a side effect of sleeping pills - I wonder if taking Alka Seltzer makes you a homophobe; 
  • Ronan said he couldn't be bothered to build a stadium;
  • the Queen wore some sunglasses; and
  • Nick and Greg swapped jobs.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

Agatha busied herself getting my order. She came back to the counter and placed my peach melbas in front of me ‘Euphonium’ she said

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘Euphonium. Last week you said Deidre Catchpole had euphonium, what’s that.’

‘Oh yes, I remember, it’s a musical instrument.’

‘I see.’ Agatha didn’t look as if she saw at all

‘She used to have a Variety act’ I confided ‘she was combined uni-cyclist and human cannonball till she had her accident, after that she lost her balance and fainted every time someone struck a Swan Vesta. So then she took up the euphonium. I said to her at the time, I don’t think you have thought it through, I said you will never get a euphonium to band practice, you have only got your bike and I’m not sure they will let you on the number 28 with it. I said would you not be better off with a piccolo? She said no, she said she had her heart set on learning the euphonium, she said she didn’t think you would get a proper oomph with a piccolo. I said yes I suppose so … I said I could see she was more of a Wagner than a Peer Gynt.

I could see Agatha rolling her eyes ‘Was there anything else, you have got a queue forming.’

‘I was just telling you about the euphonium, you did ask.’

‘Yes I did didn’t I, I never learn.’

I wonder what she meant by that.

Saturday, 26 May 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen looked at some flowers;
  • the Queen said 'eeh I've been dead busy this week';
  • Roman didn't have a visa;
  • Charles had a garden party for his birthday - I got some socks;
  • Harry got attacked by a bee;
  • Orange Katie was 40 - is that all;
  • Boris had a phone call;
  • Boris said he knew it was a prank call straight away - well after eighteen minutes anyway;
  • Boris wants an airplane; 
  • Boris said he was fed up waiting for Theresa to finish with hers;
  • A1 are re-uniting – the A1 can be a nightmare; 
  • Donald isn’t going to Singapore;
  • Nicola thought she would quite like to be independent again; 
  • Meghan got a new coat for her arms;
  • sorry, that should be Meghan got a new coat of arms; and
  • Daniel is going to be James again.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

'I can do you some royal wedding peach melbas, two for £7.'

'... royal wedding peach melbas? It's over now, we are back to normal.'

'Pity' said Agatha 'we got a job lot ... errr I mean ... a special order in.'

'err special order you say?'

'Yes, I'm just waiting for the vicar to come in and take half a dozen.'

'The vicar? That's not like him, he visit's his parishioners around afternoon tea time, he never has to buy cakes.'

'Did I say the vicar' said Agatha 'I meant Peffinton-Smythe, yes that was her, your mate she has been on the phone making a big order.'

'How did you mix up the vicar with Clarisse Peffinton-Smythe?' I laughed 'Mind you, thinking about it I can see the resemblance, They have the same colour blue rinse.

‘So that’s two peach melbas?’

‘I’m not sure, if Clarisse is having the vicar round for tea I might not need two.’

‘Are you sure? The vicar can get through a few cakes.’

‘You’re right, I’ll have two. So you don’t know why Clarisse made such a big order, is she having a do?’

‘I think she said she was having the choral society round, she said Deidre Catchpole would be round to pick the cakes up.’

‘Oh are they back on speaking terms? Last time I spoke to Clarisse she said it would be a cold day in hell before she had that woman back in her house, not after the .. well let’s just call it an incident.’

‘What incident?’

‘Sorry, my lips are sealed, let’s just say it was three weeks before Deidre could play the euphonium again.’ With that I picked up my things and left.

Behind me I could hear Agatha whisper ‘what’s a euphonium?’

Saturday, 19 May 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news - royal special
  • Harry and Meghan got married;
  • William was best man for Harry;
  • William said 'I can't believe wor kid got married on cup final day';
  • William said 'I wonder if I can get my phone on in here';
  • the Queen said 'which one is Harry again?'
  • Philip said 'do I have to go?'
  • the Queen told Philip yes he did have to go and she didn't want him disappearing down the pub because if he thought she was doing this on her own he had another think coming';
  • the Queen was cross when she put her foot through her last pair of tights;
  • the Queen told Ann to run round Camilla's and see if she had a spare pair she could borrow;
  • the Queen said if the one with the broken nose was coming to make him stand at the back, cause she said he ruined her pics at Christmas;
  • Ann told the Queen Charles was walking down the aisle;
  • the Queen said 'oh god, who is he marrying now';
  • Charles said 'What's 600 times £4.50 a head?; and
  • the Queen said 'do you think I will be back in time for the 3:30 at Chepstow?


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said 'I was wondering if you had anything special in, what with it being the wedding.'

'What wedding?'

'You know, the wedding, the royal wedding, Harry and what's her name, the American.'

'Oh that, no.'

'No what.'

'No we haven't anything special in, I've got the usual.'

'That's a disappointment, I was sure you would have had something special in for the wedding, I would have paid extra for that.'

'Oh err actually, now you mention it we might have a few special items in, just for the wedding.'

'Oh have you, like what?'

'Err' Agatha looked around the shelves and retrieved something from under the counter, we have these for £5.'

'They look like gingerbread people.'

'They are ... gingerbread wedding people.'

'They don't look very weddingy.'

'I could ice a veil on that one.' offered Agatha

'I don't know, it's a bit boring and your normal gingerbread people are only 50p.

'What about theses then?'

'What are they?' Agatha showed me two more cakes. 'They are eclairs with icing sugar on.'

'That's not weddeny.'

'It is sort of weddeny, and only £6.'

'It's getting dearer, anyway icing sugar is more your Christmassy, not weddeny.'

‘What about some Battenberg then?’

‘Oh no.’

‘What about … err ‘ Agatha cast around looking for suggestions .. ‘I know, I can do you two vanilla slices and I can pipe H and M on them – yours for £8.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘It’s all I’ve got.’

‘I’ll take them.’

‘Done’ said Agatha

I think I have been.