Saturday, 18 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Mo got his sirknighthoodship;
  • Mo got a big hat;
  • Some people you never heard of headed to the jungle;
  • Boris's dad went into the jungle;
  • the wrong one went into the jungle;
  • Leonardo sold one of his paintings for $450; 
  • Leonardo said ‘eeh that’s a lot of money for one of my paintings’; 
  • Leonardo said he wished he had done a few more n
  • paintings now; 
  • Michael and Boris are friends again; 
  • Boris must really want to be Prime Minister;
  • Theresa was in Gothenburg;
  • Theresa said she was clear ... very clear  ... about something or other;
  • Serena got married.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘How can I help you?’ asked Agatha ‘We now have our Christmas range in.’

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘as it’s November I suppose you have your Christmas range in.’

‘Yes we have the full range available today.’

‘Have you got the full range?’

‘We have got mince pies, Christmas cake, stollen .. the full range.’

‘Have you got mince pies?’

Agatha started to look a bit cross ‘I just said … we have got lots of mince pies, packs of mince pies, anything you want.’

‘Do you have packs of mince pies?’

‘Are you on a time delay? Yes, we have packs of fours and twos.’

‘How many are in your packs? Have you got sixes?’

‘Look I just said we have packs and no we don’t do sixes we do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘We do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘I could do you a four and a two’ offered Agatha’

‘It’s not the same, I wanted a pack of six.’

Agatha leaned over the counter and lowered her voice ‘I could do you three twos and just charge you for two fours’ Agatha looked over her shoulder ‘but don’t tell the manager.’

‘Oh that is very good of you, I’ll have three twos then.’

Agatha made up my order and I left. As I walked to the checkout I heard that ‘Keerrrrrcchhhinnnggggg! noise again.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Aston left Strictly;
  • Priti went to Africa; 
  • Priti came back from Africa sooner than she thought;
  • Theresa said 'I'll have no one left at this rate';
  • the Queen said 'eeh have I got that much money';
  • George got a new statue;
  • Louis said his jet wasn't really a jet it was a big car, a big car with wings;
  • Doddy was 90; 
  • Barak turned up for jury duty; 
  • Theresa said she was dead fed up; 
  • Conor went to a boxing match;
  • Conor was told he wasn't supposed to be at a boxing match;
  • Tom got a new chimney; and 
  • Ant and Dec went to Australia.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning’ she greeted

‘Morning’ I replied

‘Right, what can I get you … a strawberry tureen trifle?’

‘Sorry?’

‘or perhaps a unicorn illusion cake?’

‘What?’

Or a sachertorte with a lemon glaze?’

‘I’m not with you’

‘or maybe an opera cake with a side of crushed raspberries’

‘you have lost me’

‘or maybe you would like me to go on a four week overland trek over the Eurasian steppes to get you some yak milk to make a Mongolian blancmange?’

‘you don’t get yaks in Mongolia.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing’

‘I’ve had weeks of your fancy Bake off demands, well now I’m ready for you, I’ve got everything … what do you want this week?’

‘I’ll have two jam doughnuts.’

I don’t know what is wrong with her these days.

Friday, 10 November 2017

Dear David - Gift

Dear David

I have started my Christmas shopping and just found a lovely make up kit that I think would be ideal for my friend. Unfortunately the pack has a ‘Starter Kit’ sticker on the front. Do you think I should still buy the gift?

Photo of my friend enclosed.

Anon

David Responds

Oh dear a sticker on a make-up pack saying ‘starter kit’ you might as well say you are as ugly as sin but have a go with this, see if it does any good.

No I don’t think you should buy this as a gift for your friend.

Oh wait a minute … there is a photograph in the envelope …

… I like these letters …

… with photographs in them …

… let’s have a look …

Ah … oh dear … buy the gift.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Dec was disheveled;
  • Louis won some car race;
  • Prue told us who won the Bake off;
  • Robert got some grey hair;
  • Cheryl is going to do Strictly on Ice;
  • David fixed his freezer;
  • Victoria said can we not get a professional in, we have loads of money;
  • David said had she seen the prices they charge;
  • David and Victoria had a Halloween party; 
  • Victoria said ‘have you fixed that freezer yet’; 
  • Michael said he couldn’t be bothered being Secretary of State anymore; 
  • Julia said she didn’t like her legs being bandied around on the news; 
  • Alex is doing Strictly on Ice; 
  • Donald lost his Twitter account for eleven minutes;
  • the world had its best eleven minutes this year; and 
  • some people were on the Orient Express. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘What with the Bake off finishing I think I’ll have some special celebration bread this week.'

‘Oh has it finished? asked Agatha 'Thank goodness for that, we might get back to normal now.’ I ignored this slight to my TV show.

‘I think I’ll have a selection of celebration loves.’ I repeated

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a focaccia?’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a savoury filled plait.’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a Rye split’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a mix of wholemeal, spelt and mixed grain?’

‘I’ve got brown or white.’

I could see I wasn’t going to get my celebration loaves. ‘Do you still flour your baps?’

‘I beg your pardon.’ said Agatha sharply

‘Nothing' I could see Agatha wasn't in a mood for fripperies 'I’ll have a dozen brown baps.’

I don’t know why I keep on coming here, they never have what I want.

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry went to Lancashire; 
  • Gareth got some new hair;
  • Bruno had a holiday in LA;
  • Bruno was tired;
  • Siobhan said she wasn't that fussed about Elizabeth;
  • Harry went to Copenhagen - Harry gets around;
  • Wayne got some trainers;
  • Wayne said 'who knew there were this many park benches in Liverpool;
  • Nick lost some of his listeners;
  • the Queen said she had been married nearly 70 years;
  • Philip said he thought it seemed longer;
  • Philip said 'Your mam never liked me';
  • the Queen said 'Our mam was right about you'; and
  • Olivia is going to play the Queen because Claire is fed up with it;
  • the Queen said she should try doing it for 70 years;
  • Philip said 'Not that again';
  • Simon fell down the stairs  and
  • Gemma fell through the floor.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted

'What can I get you this week?' asked Agatha

'Have you got craquelin buns?'

'I beg your pardon'

'The vicar said he thought you had craquelin buns.'

'If you don't stop that I'll call the manager.'

I decided to change tack, I could see she was in one of her moods. 'Well have you got two pink meringue flamingos?'

'No, look I've got apple turnovers and doughnuts and hurry and make your mind up, you've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got something Halloweeney?'

'Halloweeney?'

'Yes sort of Halloweeeney ... maybe a scary cake.  I think the vicar might quite like that.'

'I thought vicars were against that sort of thing.'

'That's more your Catholics. The Father at Mary of the Immaculate Conception said he thought pumpkins were the work of the devil.'

'I haven't got time for this' said Agatha with a touch of impatience

'Can you put black icing on a couple of apple turnovers?'

Agatha pulled a face and gave a little shudder 'You want apple turnovers covered in icing?'

'Yes.'

'If it means you will go away, I suppose so, but I haven't got black.'

'Orange?'

'I've got orange.'

'Great I'll have two apple turnovers with orange icing.'

Sometimes it can be realy difficult to get the simplest thing at that Patisserie.