Saturday, 20 January 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ryan thought he would be Wales manager for a bit;
  • Davina was 50;
  • Donald past his cognitive test; 
  • Donald got 31 out of 30 for his cognitive test; 
  • Kate wore a red coat; 
  • Emmanuel said he would lend us a tapestry; 
  • Theresa met Emmanuel; 
  •  Harry and Meghan went to a castle; 
  • Harry said ‘our nan’s got one of those’; 
  •  Meghan said ‘Do I have to do this stuff all the time’?; 
  • Theresa wore a ratty old coat; 
  • William spent £180 on a haircut; 
  • Boris thought he would quite like to build a 22 mile long bridge; 
  • Boris asked if anyone knew if we had any construction companies in the country; 
  • Ant fell in a ditch; 
  • the Pope went to Peru;
  • the Pope had a flat tyre - well he din't his car did; and
  • the Pope said 'Do I look as though I would have a puncture repair kit on me?'


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘Where’s your Chardonnay?’ I asked

‘Over on the back aisle with the other wines. Eeeh I’m dead funny me.’

‘I meant your Chardonnay, she was on the counter last week.’

‘I know, I was just having my little joke, is it the usual.’

‘Yes please.’ Agatha started getting my things

‘I had a nice little chat with your Chardonnay last week.’

‘Oh yes?’ Agatha stopped what she was doing ‘What did she say exactly?’

‘Oh nothing, not much just that you had a hit list of customers.’

‘I wouldn’t say ‘hit list’ exactly.’ Agatha slowly re-started getting my order ready.

‘What would you call it?’

‘Well err just a list of customers with … errr … specific requirements?’

‘Specific requirements?’

‘Well just things they like to be just so. Like your mate Clara Toffington-Sythe.’

‘Clarice Peffington-Smythe.’

‘That’s her. She can be a right faff, and I wouldn’t care but her granddad was a rag and bone man.’

I was suddenly interested ‘What was that about Clarice?’

‘Nothing just her granddad used to have a round over on the Wellington estate before they pulled it down for the by-pass. My gran used to say there was always a bit of a mystery over where he got the money for the horse and cart.’

‘Hang on a minute while I write this all down.’ I then picked up my order and left.

As I left I heard a shout of ‘Chardonnay! What have you been telling the punters?

Saturday, 13 January 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa thought she would like a new cabinet;
  • some famous people got some globes - what a funny thing to get;
  • Donald had a little fire at his house:
  • Donald said 'book ... what book?';
  • Oprah made a speech; 
  • Nigel said he would quite like to have another referendum; 
  • Nigel just realized his meal ticket ends in a year or so; 
  • Gary proposed to his girlfriend dressed as Winston – Gary was dressed as Winston not his girlfriend; 
  • William said he hadn’t been asked to be best man yet; 
  • Harry said he was thinking of asking Kenny from the Ist Dragoon guards; 
  • Donald had a medical; 
  • Matt packed in doing Strictly on Ice;
  • Donald isn’t coming to London; 
  • Donald said he couldn’t be bothered to open the new US embassy; 
  • Donald said it wasn’t very nice anyway; 
  • the Queen said ‘quick book us up for a week away before he changes his mind’; and
  • The Queen said her crown was dead heavy.

US Constitution

You used to hear a lot about the US Constitution and its superiority over to other constitutions. One of its features being that any US citizen could become president.

You don't hear much of that these days.


Chardonnay was still at the Patisserie …

‘What do you mean Agatha told you about me?’

‘She gave me a list of people to watch out for.’

‘A list?’

‘Yes, I have it here.’ Chardonnay picked up a roll of paper and unfurled it to show its contents.

‘There’s a lot of names on the list aren’t there.’ I said

‘Yes, Agatha says there are a right load of funny b … people gets in here, we have a lot to put up with, she said we shouldn’t have to take any nonsense.’


‘Yes, Agatha said some people come in with highfalutin ideas.’


‘Yes highfalutin. Agatha says some people come in with fancy highfalutin ideas and expecting to be served at a moments notice.’

‘She says a lot doesn’t she?’

‘She has been very helpful, she told me how to handle punters … customers, so they don’t hang around all day cluttering up her nice counter. She said you have to be firm with them or they will have you run ragged.’ Chardonnay paused for breath and looked at me ‘She said you would be in early’ she continued ‘she said you always were … before she hardly had time to get her bloomers out or give her baps a good flouring..’

‘Well I do like to be in early, before you get a run on your peach melbas and you run out and I am left pondering how to manoeuvre around a socially embarrassing scenario.’

‘Hoover round the social in a whatyoh?’

‘pondering how to manoeuvre around a socially embarrassing scenario.’ I repeated


‘I'll have to tell the vicar I’ve got no cakes.’

‘Oh, why didn’t you say.’

‘I thought I did. So have you got my order?’

‘I have it here, all ready for you.’ Chardonnay disappeared behind the counter and returned with my order.

What excellent service, I think I could get to like Chardonnay.

Saturday, 6 January 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry went to the French Riviera;
  • Donald said he had a big button; 
  • some people went into the Celebrity Big Brother house;
  • Donald had a nice book written about him, 
  • Ivanka thought she might like to by-pass an election and just become president; 
  • Sam fell off a ladder; 
  • Steve is braggadocious; s
  • ome people were thinking about skating on the telly; 
  • Amanda that used to be Cleo and then married Mike Baldwin is 82; 
  • Tom isn’t going to buy Michael’s house; 
  • Donald likes a McDonalds; 
  • Donald said McDonalds had got his name in it; 
  • Gordon give some tips for eating less when you go to a restaurant;
  • Gordon said his best tip was to eat less;
  • Donald was dead cross; and
  • Donald said he was a very stable genius.


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie … there was a new assistant at the counter

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘I’ve not seen you before, are you new?’

‘I started yesterday. I’m Chardonnay.’

‘Of course you are. Is Agatha not in?’

‘Is she not in?’

‘Yes, well no. Is she?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

I decided to start again ‘Is Agatha in?’

‘No, well yes.’

You’re doing it now.’


Nothing. So Agatha is in?’

‘Yes she is in, but she is out the back having a ta .. break.’

‘A tabreak?’ I queried

‘A break.’

‘Will she be long, she normally does my order, she knows what I like.’

‘I can serve you.’

‘I’ll wait if she won’t be long.’

‘I have full authority.’ I could see she going to insist so reluctantly I gave my order.

‘Oh’ said Chardonnay

‘What oh?’

‘Are you “two peach melbas and friendly with the vicar”?

‘I do have the occasional melba and I do know the vicar.’ I conceded warily

‘Aunt A… I mean Agatha told me about you.’


‘I mean Miss Agatha.’

I was beginning to see a resemblance

To be continued …

Saturday, 23 December 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joe won Strictly; and
  • everyone won on The Apprentice;
  • HM Queen Elizabeth sprung a leak - the ship not the person;
  • Philip said 'We haven't got to go to that Royal Variety thing again this year have we?;
  • the Queen said 'No, one of Charles's is doing it;'
  • Philip said 'Charles'eses?'
  • the Queen said 'eeh our mam loved that Max Wall at that Royal Variety';
  • Philip said 'she loved the gin at the Royal Variety';
  • the Queen said 'you never liked our mam';
  • David might have to pull his tree house down; 
  • David is too old for a tree house; 
  • Boris is going to see Vladimir; 
  • Theresa told Damian he would like to spend more time with his family; 
  • Theresa went to Poland; and
  • Camilla had some Strictly people round for tea.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll collect my Christmas order if it is ready.'

'Morning' replied Agatha as she finished stacking a shelf. 'Is that your order for your afternoon tea with the Toffington-Sythes?'

'Ppeffington-Smythes' I corrected, yes they are coming over this afternoon for our pre-Christmas afternoon tea.'

'It's all right for some, I'm in here until 6 o'clock.’ Agatha started to assemble my Christmas order ‘I don’t think I know the Ppeffington-Smythes, do they come in here?' she asked by way of conversation.

‘Clarisse used to come in here but she stopped ages ago, she said there was a right misery on the bakery counter.' Agatha pursed her lips

'and you won’t know him, he never comes in here. Clarisse says he is very big in the men's department.' Agatha dropped her tongs when she heard this bit of information.

'Pardon.' said Agatha

'In John Lewis’ I continued ‘Clarisse says he is the supervisor in menswear.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha picking up her tongs and arranging my winter black forest gateau and winter coconut haystacks in a box. She stopped mid-arrange and said ‘Ah’

‘What ‘Ah’ I said

‘It’s your éclairs.’

‘What about my éclairs, don’t say you haven’t got any.’

‘No, no it’s not that, we have plenty of éclairs … ’ Agatha paused … ‘but I forgot to order the finger ones, we only have the round ones.’

I staggered back a little. ‘Say that again, slowly this time.’

‘We … don’t … have …’ Agatha paused ‘… any finger éclairs’ she completed at a rush.

I went ashen ‘What am I going to do?’

‘I could do you a replacement. What about a couple of sly cakes?’

‘Sly cakes! I can’t give the Ppeffington-Smythes sly cakes, not of a Christmas, I will never hear the end of it.’

‘I could cut them into finger shapes.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I could sprinkle them with icing sugar.’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘We could call them … oh I don’t know … err … winter fruit delights.’


‘or, enraptures …winter fruit enraptures.’

‘Oh I like that. I’ll have four.’

Agatha completed my order and I left

As I left I heard Agatha shout out ‘Margaret, get those old cakes out the back, I think I’m onto something here.’

Then there was that kkkeeerrrcchhhinnnggg noise again.

Agatha is on holiday until the new year.

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Someone you never heard of won something in the jungle; 
  • Some Star Wars people made a new film;
  • Meghan is going to Sandringham for Christmas; 
  • Gwen has a My Little Pony jumper; 
  • Brad and Jennifer have been on some dates; and
  • Jennifer and Alex are getting engaged;
  • Some people were in the Strictly final; 
  • some people were in the Apprentice final; 
  • Shirley will do Strictly again next year; 
  • Theresa went to Brussels again; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I’ll be talking like a Brusslesish person soon’; 
  • Justin said he is going to marry Harry - I suppose that’s allowed these days; 
  • Boris had a can of peach juice; 
  • the royal family got ready for Christmas; 
  • Philip said ‘Is Charles bringing that Camilla again this year?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘Don’t start, you know he will be bringing her’; 
  • Philip said ‘Well she better not pinch my chair next to the fire again like she did last year’; 
  • the Queen said ‘Not that again’; and
  • Mark and Michelle are back together after eight months.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll pick up my Christmas order while I'm here.'  Agatha busied herself getting my things.

'And can I give you my Christmas order as well?'

'I'm getting your order ready.' said Agatha with a puzzled look on her face.

'Ah no, that's my Christmas order for the vicar, I want to give you my other Christmas order for next week.  I always have the Ppeffington-Smythes the Saturday before Christmas.'

'Sounds painful.'


'Nothing.'  Agatha picked up a pencil and paper 'What would you like?'

'Well I'm doing a Christmas afternoon tea.  I thought I'd have a Christmas theme and have winter coconut haystacks and slices of winter black forest gateau.'

'What's winter coconut haystacks and winter black forest gateau?' asked Agatha again with a puzzled look

'Well they are just like normal coconut haystacks and black forest gateau, but they have the word winter in them.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha when clearly she didn't 'Wait a minute, this isn't your daft idea for coconut haystacks like you wanted last year ... coconut haystacks without any coconut in them.'

'Ah no, that was for Deidre Catchpole.  That's different.  She can't have anything with coconut in, not after that incident at the traveling fair when the big lad off of the Waltzer caught her unawares by the coconut shy.  Ever since then she shakes and has night tremors if she so much as has a bounty.'

Agatha gave a deep sigh 'So what do you want.' asked Agatha

'I'll have coconut haystacks and black forest gateau for four and you better give me a couple of eclairs as well, not the round ones ... Clarisse' I paused and Agatha looked at me expectantly 'PPpeffington-Smythe that is, she doesn't like the round ones, she says they are more for your riff raff.

Agatha rolled her eyes.  'It's another world.'

'So that's coconut haystacks, black forest slices and a couple of eclairs ... not round ones.' Agatha summarised.

'Oh and could you sprinkle some icing sugar an them?'

'Icing sugar?'

'Yes, make them a bit Chrismassy.'

'Would you like them to play Jingle Bells'

'That won't be necessary.'

I was sensing sarcasm, and there is no need I was only placing a small order.