Saturday, 17 March 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Hugh is going to be Philip;
  • the Queen celebrated her wealth;
  • sorry a correction - the Queen celebrated Commonwealth day;
  • Harry raised his eyebrows;
  • Katie went to the races;
  • Katie stole a pink fur hat;
  • correction - Katie wore a pink fur hat and stole;
  • some famous people watched some horses run round a field in the cold;
  • Louise looked weary;
  • Meghan got baptised;
  • Chris had a late night;
  • Camilla received a doctorate;
  • Camilla said 'eeh let's take your pulse';
  • Kate wore a green coat;
  • Kevin decided to stop playing cricket;and
  • Noel had a haircut.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I was wondering if you have your Easte range in yet.'

'Yes, we have a full range of Easter Patisserie items, what can Iget you?'

'Lovely, what have you got?'  I asked

'We have hot cross buns' Agatha paused

'Is that all?'

'err ... we have hot cross buns in packs.' said Agatha encouragingly

'That's disappointing, is that all you have, I might try ASDAs.'

'Err no, wait' said Agatha urgently 'we have ... 'Agatha looked around the Patisserie counter 'we have ..' she repeated 'Easter eccles cakes.'

'Easter eccles cakes? There's no such thing as Easter eccles cakes.'  

'There is' defended Agatha 'they had them at the last supper.'

'No they didn't, I've read about that, there was no mention of eccles cakes at the last supper.'

'Eerr no, they had them the day before, of the Wednesday.'

'No they didn't, that's daft.'

'So they could have hot cross buns, but not eccles cakes?' countered Agatha

'Oh I don't know, I never thought of that.'  

'Yes it is a very big Easter tradition, in err .. Yorkshire.'

'I didn't know that.'  Agatha could see I was weakening

'I could do you an offer, if you have your usual peach melbas I'll let you have four Easter eccles cakes at our usual price.'

'Oh thank you, I'll take them.'

When I left I heard that Kkkkeeeerrrrcchhhhiinnnngggg! noise again.

Saturday, 10 March 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some famous people baked some things; 
  • Simon was tired and disheveled
  • some people won some Oscars – apparently this is very important; 
  • Meghan went to Birmingham; 
  • Meghan said 'eeh yup'
  • Harry said 'that's more your Yorkshire';
  • Donald is going to meet Kim; 
  • Hugh had another baby; 
  • Sid left his flight from Dubai before he had planned to; 
  • the Queen had a party in front of her Aga;
  • correction - the Queen had a party for the Aga; and
  • Ed went tot he races.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual when you have a minute.’

Agatha started to get my things off the shelves and struck up a bit of conversation when she got back to the counter. 'Anyway you never told me how the darts went the other week.'

'The darts?' I queried

'You said you were doing the darts with the holy fathers of the Mary contraption.'

'The Immaculate Conception' I corrected 'and it was the holy fathers of the Corpus Christi.'

'Whatever, so how did sister inoculated get on?'

'Sister Immaculata.' ... she was fine, they put her in charge of the Patisserie stall, they said she couldn't get into any trouble on a Patisserie stall.' Agatha bristled

'What Patisserie stall?' she demanded ' I run the Patisserie services round here, she didn't get no Patisserie stuff from me.'

I could see Agatha was getting cross 'Ah no' I said 'it was just a little stall' I tried to smooth Agatha's ruffled feathers ... 'a couple of things ... just light refreshments ... nothing as grand as you have here. Her bloomers were no where near as big as yours.'

'Well that's all right then, I can't have no nuns running Patisserie scams round here, that's what I am here for' Agatha stopped mid sentence 'selling choice Patisserie items that is, not running scams.' she corrected.

'Anyway here's your stuff' hastened Agatha 'I have to get on.'

“Choice Patisserie items” she said … “here's your stuff” she said … I wonder if ASDAs have a Patisserie.

Saturday, 3 March 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Liam is selling his house in America;
  • Meghan went on a visit with Harry, Kate and William; 
  • Meghan said ‘eeh you have to do loads of these visits’; 
  • Boris made one of his little speeches; and 
  • Jeremy and Theresa made speeches as well – mind you can’t get moved for speeches this week; 
  • William is going to the holy land; 
  • Leonardo and Brad are going to make a movie about something or other; 
  • Donald said he didn’t like the look of Theresa’s borders; 
  • Meghan has to pass a UK citizen test; 
    Meghan said ‘this question says to name the Queen of England … is that your nan?; and
  • some people thought it would be quite nice to get an Oscar.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'eeh mind it's cold out this morning, that car park is dead slippery.'

'Yes it has been a cold few days, what can I get you?'

'I wasn't sure you would have your full range in, what with the snow and everything.'

'Yes we have been busy this week, I've had a lot of interest in my bloomers.'

'Ha ha, I bet you have, you need some nice big bloomers in this weather.'

'What.' said Agatha with pursed lips


'and my fancies have been selling like hot cakes.'

'ha ha' I laughed 'have you been heating them up?' I sniggered

'What?' said Agatha with a stern look


'Look I've been flat out all week and me feet are killing me, what do you want?'

'I'll have my usual.'

Honestly you can never get a laugh out of that woman.  Miserable old bag.

Saturday, 24 February 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people won some BAFTAs;
  • Edward and Sophie went to St Moritz for some skiing; 
  • Henry isn't leader of his party anymore;
  • someone wondered who would lead UKIP this week;
  • Cheryl opened her new Trust Centre;
  • Cheryl said - how many surnames are you allowed - no reason for asking, she just wondered;
  • the Queen went on a visit to the Royal College of Physicians;
  • the Queen said - actually now I'm here it's my back it's been giving me gyp;
  • the Queen went to a fashion show;
  • the Queen said 'eeh is that what they are wearing these days;;
  • the Queen said 'mind I can see our Margaret in that';
  • some people you never heard of got some BRITs;
  • some people pretended BRITs were dead important; 
  • Ant drove into a tree;
  • Theresa was on Richard and Judy - well the new ones that do Richard and Judy;
  • Theresa said 'eeh aren't Holly's questions dead hard';
  • Theresa had a meeting at Chequers; and
  • Victoria hurt her leg.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual when you have a minute.’

Agatha started to get my things and she was in a talkative mood this morning. ‘So are you up to much this afternoon?’ she asked as she put my sliced multi-seeded on the counter.

‘I am actually.’ I said ‘don’t tell the vicar, but I’m doing the scoring at the holy fathers of Corpus Christi annual darts tournament to raise money for a pilgrimage to Lourdes.’

‘Oh that sounds fun.’ said Agatha I could tell by her face she didn’t think it sounded fun at all. ‘Why are you doing the scoring, have they not got someone to do it.’

‘Ah well yes, they could do … sister Immaculata did it last year, but it ended up in a bit of a shambles.’

‘What happened?’ asked Agatha suddenly interested

‘I don’t know if you know sister Immaculata?’

‘Err no, not really we don’t see much of the little sisters of mercy round our way.’

‘Well sister Immaculata has never been good with numbers, she can’t tell 3s from 5s and father Dominic said her incompetence cost him the match. Sister Immaculata was livid … then father Dominic said he had never a met a nun so inaptly named.’ Sister Immaculata was furious … she said that father Dominic had obviously never met sister Virginia … and sister Virginia gave her a right look, she was dead cross, and said what did she mean by that crack. Then it all got a bit ugly.

Agatha was rolling her eyes ‘It is another world.’ she said ‘so then what happened?’

‘Well nothing really, mother superior came in and brought the whole event to an end. She said she didn’t know what the holy fathers were thinking of and then she made all the sisters leave. So they asked me if I would do it this year. They said it might avoid an unseemly repetition of last yeas’ fiasco.

Talking of which I need to get a move on, the vicar is coming round early so I can get to the holy fathers by 2 o’clock, and don’t forget, not a word to the vicar.’

I picked up my things and left, leaving Agatha shaking her head muttering ‘I don’t know why I talk to these people.’

Saturday, 17 February 2018

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Jamie lost £71 million - I wonder where it is;
  • Harry and Meghan went to Edinburgh;
  • Harry took Meghan to a sandwich shop;
  • Harry said he was on a budget;
  • Meghan said it is dead cold up here;
  • Theresa went to Belfast;
  • some sports people went dashing around in the snow abroad - and it was dead cold;
  • Alec got a new hip;
  • the Queen met some Tongan rugby players;
  • Helen wore a red dress; and 
  • Kate wore a hairnet; 
  • Jacob said he was packing in being President; 
  • Colleen had a baby; 
  • Boris made a speech so he could be Prime Minister; 
  • Theresa said she wasn’t finished yet; 
  • Theresa met with Angela; and
  • someone won a skeleton at the Olympics - what a funny thing to win.

There is an App for that

There is an App that can analyse your profile pic and show you what you looked like when you were younger. How exciting!

We used to be able to do that in the olden days, it was called looking at old photographs.


From last week ... Agatha was still at the Patisserie …

‘So, if I was interested in the eggs, how much are we talking?’

Agatha picked up a calculator ‘Let me see.’ she said as she switched it on ‘thirty eight eggs at £3 each is ... £152 and my expenses of £1 an egg’ she muttered ‘That’s £190.’

‘goodness, that’s a lot for a few eggs.’

‘It’s quite a few eggs, and they are top quality.’

‘I suppose’ I said reluctantly ‘I’ll have to think about it.’ Agatha stood and waited while I thought about it. I was tempted by a triumph over Clarisse when I offered her an Easter egg treat in August, I could just see her face. ‘Go on then, I’ll take them.’

‘That will be £190.’ said Agatha … ‘in advance.’

I took out my wallet, fortunately I had just been to the bank. I took out ten £20 notes and handed them over. ‘That’s £200 ‘ I confirmed

‘Don’t worry about the £10 difference, you can give it to me next time your in.’

‘Oh ok thank you, that is very kind.  When do I get my eggs? I don’t think I can manage them now.’

Agatha looked over her shoulder and scribbled on a scrap of paper. She handed the note over ‘It’s the back of the old Do It All on the industrial estate, if you pull into the car park at midnight on Tuesday I will be waiting. Oh and ask for Sid so I will recognise you.'

Ask for Sid? I thought, I was beginning to have doubts about this.