Saturday, 24 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George's boat collided with another boat;
  • Julie got a ladydamesirknighthoodship;
  • Angela went to see the Pope;
  • Angela told the Pope she had had that Donald round;
  • the Pope said he knew how she felt as Donald had been round his as well;
  • Liam went to Milan;
  • Hew wasn't sure the 10 o'clock news had started;
  • the Queen opened Parliament;
  • Dennis said they should get their skates on;
  • the Queen had a 'Take your child to work day';
  • The Queen wore a hat;
  • the Queen went to the races;
  • Theresa went to Brussels; 
  • Theresa said being Prime Minister wasn't all it was cracked up to be; and
  • some people were singing tunes in a field in Somerset. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello' I said 'you back from your disa ... holiday?'

'Holiday? Oh yes I'm back.'

'I see you have peach melbas on the shelves again.'

Agatha looked a little cross 'Yes we are selling them again, back by popular demand. Do you want a couple?'

'No, I think I have gone off them a bit, and anyway I don't think I can afford them.  They were getting quite expensive before you stopped selling them.'

'As you like, what can I get you.'

'Although' I said and paused 'I heard you could get them on the black market at a knock off price.'

'I wouldn't know anything about that. what can I get you' continued Agatha trying to hurry me along.

'I heard some old dear was flogging them off round the back of the community center.'

'I wouldn't say old.'

'Oh, so someone was selling them knock off.'

'I don't know' said Agatha a little flustered 'do you want serving or not, I've got a queue forming.'

'I heard she was shrouded in a cloud of Embassy Regal selling melbas.'

'It was no 10.'  Agatha slapped her hand over her mouth.

'Ah ha, so it was you, I knew it!  I will have two peach melbas, and I think these ones might be at a discount price?'

'I'll put a sticker on, say the pastry is smashed in.'

'That will be very nice thank you.'

A bargain for once.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Celebrity Week - State Opening Royal Special

A Celebrity State Opening Royal special
  • the Queen had a 'Dress down' day;
  • the Queen said 'ooh it feels like a Friday';
  • the Queen sent her best crown to the Houses of Parliament;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind don't let that crown out of your sight it's me best one';
  • the Queen's State Trumpeters started a trumpet song when the Queen walked through the door;
  • the Queen dropped her handbag';
  • the Queen said I wish they would wait till I sat down before doing that'
  • the Queen said 'I think I've left me glasses in my other handbag;
  • Prince Charles says 'you haven't man, we checked before we left, have another look'
  • 'the Queen read a speech';
  • the Queen said 'What's that word?'
  • Charles said 'Brexit';
  • the Queen said 'that's not a word';
  • the Queen said 'That's never a 'B' it looks like a 'P' I thought she was wanting a Prexit lol;
  • the Queen said 'she's not said anything about that Donald coming'; 
  • the Queen said 'Is that it? It was hardly worth coming for';
  • the Queen told Charles to see if that nice Jeremy had a Racing Post she could borrow.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Dear David - Brexit

Dear David

Do you trust the government to manage Brexit within two years?

David Responds

Which government ... you mean this government?

Not really, it took them three months to lose their own majority.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen forgot she was getting a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen dropped a teacup;
  • the Queen said 'what the bloody hell was that?' 
  • the Queen said 'what damn fool is making all that noise outside';
  • Harry had a party; 
  • Donald had a cabinet meeting where everyone told him how lovely he was;
  • Donald said he din't fancy coming to Britain because people shout a lot;
  • Theresa has had better weeks;
  • George had a great week;
  • Theresa went to Paris for the evening; 
  • Theresa went to see England play football in Paris; 
  • Theresa did a Mexican wave on her own; 
  • Theresa said ‘have you not got any wheat fields?’;
  • Theresa went to see Emmanuel;
  • Emmanuel said will you stop saying 'Hey, Macarena!' every time you want to ask me something;
  • Tim packed his job in; and 
  • some people got things off of the Queen because it was her birthday.

Sainsbury's

Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

… Margaret was placing doughnuts on a shelf with her tongs

‘Oh hello Margaret’ I said ‘Is your Agatha not on today?’

‘No she is on a dis .. holiday, she is on holiday.’

‘You were going to say a disciplinary weren’t you? What she done this time?’

Margaret put her tongs down and looked around, leaning over the counter as she confided ‘the manger found out she had been stashing peach melbas and selling them round the back of the community centre. He was furious, he only found out after the vicar collared him in the Blue Ram, complaining about how we don’t do peach melbas any more.’

‘What she like! So you have peach melbas in then?’

‘Yes we have loads, how many do you want?’

‘I’ll have two.’

Margaret picked up her tongs and busied herself getting my cakes. ‘I’ll just pop them in a box for you.’

‘I must say this is lovely service.’

‘When your Agatha is on she can be a little brusque.’

Margaret stopped what she was doing.

‘Sometimes my cakes are all bashed in at the side’ Margaret stared at me with a stricken look on her face.

‘She can be a bit rough with them and sometimes there is a little thumb print in the cream.’ Margaret started shaking her head frozen to the spot

‘She is standing behind me isn’t she?’ I hurriedly picked up my cakes and left.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Dear David - State Opening

Dear David

I was supposed to having a big event next Monday where I get to wear my best crown but now I've just had Theresa on the phone and she wants to put it off until Tuesday.

Thing is I'm at the races on Tuesday so I can't really do this opening thing. I am dead fed up, how can I get out of it?

HMQ

David Responds

Oh you as well, she has never been off my phone since last Friday.  That Theresa is becoming a right nuisance ... 'what should I do about this? ... what should I do about that? I tell you if she comes round here I'll give her strong and stable.

What were you asking again ... oh yes the races.  Just tell her straight, tell her you're not doing it and that is that.  Or say you can do first thing, but you need to be away by 12 and you want a helicopter to get you to Ascot because the trains get dead busy if you leave it too late.